To say no visitors for Christmas dinner?

[Debbiebarkle]

My family have never invited/made us Christmas dinner since we started our family 8 years ago. But there's an expectation for them to come to ours if we're having it at home.

My grandmother expects it every year and declines all other invites from othe people, patiently awaiting her invite from us and if we don't invite, she eventually asks. My mother lives 100 miles away and will visit the whole family at Christmas time- my siblings, itger grandchildren and my grandmother and will assume she's having Christmas dinner with us on the years we don't go to my inlaws. My siblings never invite my mum for Christmas dinner. My Dad is really difficult to cater for and is separated from my mum- they seem to hate each other so if I invite one but not the other, there's a massive undercurrent of annoyance and resentment.

My mum always says she'll help with the dinner but is always running late frok visiting other family members so doesn't. Frankly, I'm fed up of being in the kitchen on Christmas day when we don't go to my inlaws and missing out on my young children. I'm stuck in the kitchen most years and I'm also tired of entertaining my family who never offer to cook Christmas dinner for us.

My mum and grandmother have already assumed they're coming over for Christmas again this year and I'd just like a year of not having to worry about entertaining anyone, not worrying about offending anyone and having a turkey sandwich for lunch instead, should we want to! We probably will have a proper Christmas dinner but I just don't want the pressure of having to have one.

My inlaws never pressure for coming to us for Christmas dinner and will offer to cook a nice meal for us sone years, but my family are takers and I'm a bit fed up of it.

AIBU to say nobody for Christmas dinner? Even if my mum has travelled to visit everyone on the day? I know that if we don't ask her to come for dinner, nobody will but that's wgere it begins to snowball and others want to come too. Before you know it, we're saying "another won't hurt" but actually it does and it's draining.

I mean seriously who talks to family like this 'just send them a brief whatapp we aren't hosting this year'.

Mumsnet has become an odd place. Of course the OP could be clear and assertive but this is her family who love her and want to spend christmas with her - not mortal enemies to be cut off.

@Wondergirl100

I mean seriously who talks to family like this 'just send them a brief whatapp we aren't hosting this year'.

Mumsnet has become an odd place. Of course the OP could be clear and assertive but this is her family who love her and want to spend christmas with her - not mortal enemies to be cut off.

Did you actually read the OP? Even just the first sentence -

"My family have never invited/made us Christmas dinner since we started our family 8 years ago. But there's an expectation for them to come to ours if we're having it at home."

You say "this is her family who love her and want to spend christmas with her", but the OP has made clear that they only want to spend Christmas with her if she hosts them. Surely they would take their turn to host if spending time with OP was all they wanted? But no, they "never offer to cook Christmas dinner for us." But they expect OP to cook for them. Again, read what she wrote -

"I know that if we don't ask [her mother] to come for dinner, nobody will but that's where it begins to snowball and others want to come too."

The only invitations her "family who love her" issue are to themselves, to be hosted by her. They don't invite their mother either! How very loving of them. Not.

Maybe your family love you and want to spend Christmas with you Wondergirl100, but outside your family there are other families who are different. Sometimes very, very different. Maybe that's why you find Mumsnet is an odd place, because it exposes you to these differences, which it seems you to struggle to accept. And nobody has suggested that the OP cut off her family - just that it's absolutely OK to not invite the for Christmas.

Lots of great responses.
But many are missing my point about my Dad and the fallout from having my mum and Gran over and the guilt when he's on his own and they're spending it with us.
My Gran is an ungrateful so and so and has been spouting lots of insults lately, possibly due to old age but she's doing it infront of my children which I don't want. I really don't want her here.
My DH is fantastic at the meat and roasted vegetables and we tend to do it between us- I do all the stove top stuff and will make a soup starter. But my Gran is so demanding it pulls me away from the children and my mum will turn up late, swarm in, eat, swarm out again with her dessert wrapped in foil and I'll wonder why we bothered.

Restaurant? No cooking and it's neutral territory. You can invite both parents. Warn them if they don't behave, they won't see hide or hair of you at Christmas again.

The gran sounds like hard work.

I found myself in the exact same situation, it was really hard work, so l stopped doing it. I enjoy Christmas day so much more now . I invite family over boxing day afternoon.

Thinking the same @moonface123 I'm even happy to have people over on Christmas provided it's not for lunch. I literally just want us to be left alone betweem 12 and 3 and happy to be flexible for the rest of the day.

Just tell them now that you are not having anyone for Christmas dinner this year so they need to chat to your siblings if they expect to be hosted by someone. Don't feel bad for it but do it asap so you can relax and they can organise an alternative.

Why don't you accept your PIL's invite this year? Your Grandmother and DM will have their routine broken and will not see coming to yours as a given any more. That will mean next year they won't be expecting an automatic invite (and avoids any issues with your Dad).

@Wondergirl100

I mean seriously who talks to family like this 'just send them a brief whatapp we aren't hosting this year'.

Mumsnet has become an odd place. Of course the OP could be clear and assertive but this is her family who love her and want to spend christmas with her - not mortal enemies to be cut off.

Then why can't they host? Or offer to do the cooking?

I got some advice off Mumsnet over the past year which has really helped me, in terms of setting boundaries - I've cut contact with my mum and siblings (I'm not saying you should do this btw!) but its because I realised through the wise advice on Mumsnet that I am allowed to have boundaries, and sharing DNA with someone doesn't mean you have to ignore bad behaviour. I set boundaries, they laughed at me and tried to walk all over them so I ceased contact.
In your case it could be - Grandma says nasty things in front of your children? Ok Grandma doesn't get to visit unless she stops.

You don't have to be mean about setting boundaries - you can just say "we aren't hosting this year" and keep repeating. Don't give reasons -yes they're family and there's love involved, but it sounds like they always rely on you and some of them aren't even that nice about it or grateful for the offer of dinner.

My life has become much better since I started setting boundaries, there are a few good posts on here about doing this. But I would say don't lie - you don't need to fabricate stories about restaurants to justify wanting Xmas dinner with your children. x

Definitely YANBU, @Debbiebarkle.

Draft your email, WhatsApp, etc to everyone's- including your dad - Now! Make it very clear you are not hosting Christmas and do not leave any leeway for others to guilt trip you into doing something you don't want. Christmas is a biggie, but this applies to lots of other things too. Re-read your draft to ensure you've left them no wriggle room and press send!

If they really push (and they well may) don't be conciliatory but just say "we don't want to!!" That is pretty unequivocal. There may well be ructions but think how much better it will be next Christmas, the Christmas after that... Think how much lighter you'll feel without that burden.

Good luck! 🌹

I think you should take the whole day off, not just 12-3. PP said to keep repeating "we're not hosting this year" and I agree! Let mom and grandma know early so they make other plans. Make a Lasagna or something the week before and throw it in the freezer, try overnight Frenchtown for Xmas morning, throw the Lasagna in the oven and enjoy the day!

OP, has your gran always been difficult or is the insulting language a fairly recent thing? If it is it could be Alzheimer’s, as inappropriate or offensive language, bad temper etc can be a sign. Regardless of whether she can behave appropriately in front of your DC, it spoils the day for everyone. And frankly, your mum nipping in and out because she’s late after seeing everyone else is a bit of an insult, as if you are only good for supplying the dinner.

Totally OK for you to not host Christmas dinner, and to enjoy a low-key meal/day instead. Go for it!

I would set your stall out ASAP, stating you aren’t hosting Christmas. Don’t get sucked into explaining or justifying it, l would just tell people. Your family sound like rude, lazy, freeloaders. Let me guess you pay for all the food and alcohol?

Last time l did Christmas, then l planned, ordered, collected and cooked it all. Then no one would wash up . I wasn’t going to do it as l did everything else. My then husband cracked and did it but was very bitter. I thought my mum’s and brothers bums were surgically attached to the sofa that test

This year my fiancé and l are going out for lunch, looking forward to it. Then a walk by the beach, a few drinks and relax in front of the TV

Test = year

Yes put your rules in place op. I dread that topic. My mother so difficult. Then wants overnights. Thank god my house small. Got snotty when I said his mum has be considered too. Stand your ground I had to

I would say no to xmas day but u could suggest boxing day instead, do a lunch then

When I refused to spend anymore xmas at inlaws or go for dinner EVERY sunday they stopped speaking to me. I didnt lose any sleep over it. Meant i also didnt have to go to mils funeral. Win win.
Have a lovely xmas. Your way.

@WhereYouLeftIt
Agreed.

OP,
Older cranky woman here who was given great advice by a few friends who had children before I did.

They warned me that the Christmases where your children are beside themselves with excitement, want to play with you and their toys, and the whole day can be magical are few enough.
The first Christmas a child doesn't believe is different to when they do, so treasure them.

Christmas in our house was all about our children.
No dragging them anywhere, pyjamas for the day as we are not religious, playing with them, having a light roast dinner, never turkey.
We had a nice simple roast meal, lots of their favourite deserts and as relaxed a day as possible.

I'm an excellent cook but have bought in sides like red cabbage and sprouts etc. as only myself and husband like them.
ANYTHING to make the day easier and more relaxing.

Every year I make a note of tips for next year.

We see friends and family on other days but Christmas is for us.

I was dragged to visit as a child and husband was one of 20 for a huge formal lunch.
We swore we would do it differently and we spent Christmas for many years, happily on our own before children.

My children are all big now and they still adore Christmas, pj's for the day and stockings at the end of the bed.

Last year I did magnificent rib eye steaks on the BBQ with dauphinoise potatoes made the day before, because that was what my children requested.

They decide among themselves the menu.

Christmas is only one day, but if you bail from standard tradition and make the day about what/how you want it to be, you will not regret it.

It has taken some lovely friends of mine the menopause to truly find the strength to say screw this, no more hosting a dozen plus people where they are left to pass out in the kitchen running the show with bits of help here and there.

They ALL without exception regret not putting their foot down earlier.

YOU do not owe your cranky grandmother and your rude mother Christmas lunch if you don't want to do it.

Tell them now and be done with it.
Let your mother sort out HER mother.

You enjoy YOUR children.
Your mother's behaviour dropping in to eat and leaving with desert is appallingly rude.

I certainly would never tolerate nor entertain such rudeness.

Op the others perhaps but what has granny done? Is she OK.. Sounds sweet waiting for an invite..

Take the bull by the horns and tell everyone now that you won't be hosting. That gives them all plenty of notice to make other plans and doesn't put you on the back foot when the inevitable questions from them crop up.

I think you need to make it clear to all your family that you will not be hosting Christmas lunch this year, so that they have time to make alternative arrangements.
I would also make sure you have a plan as to what you will say/do if they just turn up on the day anyway which, if they live locally, might happen.

Say to your mum it’s different this year, available from. 3pm, have buffet/finger food (stuff easy to set out, prep prepared). Just no offer of Turkey dinner. Don’t explicitly say no dinner, just present it how it is. Buffet anytime from 3pm, will be lovely to see you etc

@heldinadream

Tell them xmas dinner is lentil soup this year. They'll think twice.

Lol. Similar has worked here. Mil's expectation is an overlarge meal exactly how she cooks it served at 2.30. When we invited them for roast beef at 6, she declined in a huff and foisted herself on her other ds. She has cooked for us in the past and I have just quietly eaten a minute meal because I loathe turkey and apart from the pigs in blankets her "trimmings" are rank - I might just as well eat a block of lard. But I have been brought up to be polite so just eat the bits I can and stay quiet.