To say no visitors for Christmas dinner?

[Debbiebarkle]

My family have never invited/made us Christmas dinner since we started our family 8 years ago. But there's an expectation for them to come to ours if we're having it at home.

My grandmother expects it every year and declines all other invites from othe people, patiently awaiting her invite from us and if we don't invite, she eventually asks. My mother lives 100 miles away and will visit the whole family at Christmas time- my siblings, itger grandchildren and my grandmother and will assume she's having Christmas dinner with us on the years we don't go to my inlaws. My siblings never invite my mum for Christmas dinner. My Dad is really difficult to cater for and is separated from my mum- they seem to hate each other so if I invite one but not the other, there's a massive undercurrent of annoyance and resentment.

My mum always says she'll help with the dinner but is always running late frok visiting other family members so doesn't. Frankly, I'm fed up of being in the kitchen on Christmas day when we don't go to my inlaws and missing out on my young children. I'm stuck in the kitchen most years and I'm also tired of entertaining my family who never offer to cook Christmas dinner for us.

My mum and grandmother have already assumed they're coming over for Christmas again this year and I'd just like a year of not having to worry about entertaining anyone, not worrying about offending anyone and having a turkey sandwich for lunch instead, should we want to! We probably will have a proper Christmas dinner but I just don't want the pressure of having to have one.

My inlaws never pressure for coming to us for Christmas dinner and will offer to cook a nice meal for us sone years, but my family are takers and I'm a bit fed up of it.

AIBU to say nobody for Christmas dinner? Even if my mum has travelled to visit everyone on the day? I know that if we don't ask her to come for dinner, nobody will but that's wgere it begins to snowball and others want to come too. Before you know it, we're saying "another won't hurt" but actually it does and it's draining.

Yanbu to announce this in October so there's plenty of time to organise an alternative

I can't see how your mum and gran will cause you lots more work personally. It sounds like it's your partner's turn to be in the kitchen so you can enjoy the children anyway.

This is one of the biggest reasons why I really hate Christmas. Last year was bliss for me because no one expected anything, but they have all come back with a vengeance this year.

Anyway, be clear that you aren’t hosting anyone at all this year.

@TinaYouFatLard

Are you talking about two extra people? Your mother and grandmother?

If so, I think you are being mean and melodramatic. You get hosted at your in-laws so you clearly aren’t slaving away EVERY year. Cooking for two extra people is nothing. Your mother and grandmother won’t be around forever.

I think the OP made it quite clear in her first post that it is not just her mother and grandmother who expect to be invited from her side of the family, and then it just snowballs and becomes exhausting, with nobody else on her side of the family ever thinking to reciprocate.

I don’t think YABU but it doesn’t matter what we think, will they think you’re being unreasonable and will it cause an atmosphere going on?

Tell them xmas dinner is lentil soup this year.
They'll think twice.

@Debbiebarkle Have you sent the text yet? As soon as you do, you'll feel loads better.

They’re taking the piss. Christmas at home is the best, why do none of your side want a turn?!

Be very clear they’re not coming this year and don’t respond to any hassle.

Go to your in-laws and be cooked for!

Send a text or make a phonecall today , it leaves loads of time to organize themselves, and you can tick that off your list and forget about it .

I'm not sure I'd be able to say to my mum and grandmother they couldn't come for Christmas dinner. Can you make it clear that the only way your hosting is if you get help? Also be tempted to buy plenty of ready-made sides and make it the least work possible for yourself. And get your dh to help

If you genuinely don't want them to come, then just tell them you want a quiet one this year.

However if it's the practicalities of it, then you need to get as much done as possible before the 25th (as I have learnt over the years, after having spent many a Christmas morning in the kitchen away from the kids). Prep as much as you can the night before (veg etc can all be peeled and put in water in the fridge overnight, sauces can be made, table set, turkey prepared etc) so it's more a case of popping in and out and putting things in the oven. My DH is on extra washing up duty in between (so stuff that either won't go in the dishwasher or we're going to need to actually eat with) and it runs relatively smoothly.

But you'll need your DH to help out (and preferably mum - maybe tell her to come an hour earlier than you actually want her so that she might get there on time!).

I would struggle with this OP. You have two options you either go with it and host - if this is your plan, why don’t you order in from M&S, Tesco etc then everything is already prepped.
Alternatively, you could invite them all on another day, maybe the Sunday before and have a little Christmas party. This would free you up to have Christmas Day on your own.
Families …..

Be prepared for your grandmother to refuse all other invitations as previously, then wail at the last minute that she'll be on her own. DON'T give in, or you'll be back where you started.

Isn't it a bit sad to be annoyed at your gran? Surely she doesn't have lots of Christmas's left ?

Re. your mum, rather than boil with irritation can't you just be honest and say look you are welcome, but we are doing things differently this year and either you step in and help or I'm not cooking a big dinner.

Life is short and the irritations of family are what we will miss when they are gone. I think people have gone a bit overboard with the idea of 'doing what best pleases you' in life.

Wouldn't it be better to just find a way that it is manageable? ie. ask your mum to prep the veg the night before - have it all laid it? Isn't christmas about being together and grannies/ kids/ everyone getting on each others nerves!

You are clearly the best hosts. We are in the same boat OP, everyone prefers to come to ours and we get so fed up. Two years ago we went on holiday that week instead it was amazing. Our mums aren't getting any younger and no other invites so we love to have them, (dms husband therefore gets a reluctant invite) but planning to say no to everyone else.

I agree with @Wondergirl100 above. This coming from someone who had 20 plus years of in laws coming to us, loads of stress on me as always working Xmas Eve, kids and DH who couldn’t be arsed to do any thing to help prepare. My MIL would Keats drive an hour early even when I tried changing the time so I would stop being caught out either just getting into shower or coming out when they would arrive

She is dead now. My FIL took up w someone else before my MIL was even buried and he’s with her now on Xmas. Realising we’ll soon possibly be in our own as our DC are in their 20s and have serious relationships.

Be assertive now - group message to say we won't be hosting this year so please make your own arrangements. No need for excuses as they'll just find other arrangements. Then follow up with siblings/aunts/uncles to say as we're unable to host this year after many years of doing so, please can someone extend an invite to your mother/father. Emphasise how many years its been hosted at yours at that it's someone else's turn.

Where do your mum and gran go the years you are at your in laws?

Be up front with everyone: this year we have decided to do x y z.

I too do not want to be stuck in the kitchen, missing all the present opening because I'm basting a turkey. So what I do now is a buffet at lunchtime. Everything goes out as is pretty much- coleslaw, olives etc in the pots they come in. I put sausage rolls and part baked bread in the oven, everything else - cheese, cocktail sausages etc is cold. It gets laid out and we help ourselves. Also if we have visitors they can also help themselves. We have nice mince pies, choc log etc after the buffet when people aren't too full

Then Xmas dinner is about 6pmI usually pop in the kitchen about 3pm when everyone is watching a film, open a bottle of fizz and get the Turkey & gammon on. DH preps the veg and boils the potatoes. Then through the afternoon things go in the oven. DH washes up whilst I have a test. My Xmas dinner doesn't take all afternoon. Pigs in blankets, stuffing, all done Xmas Eve in the fridge in Pyrex dishes covered in foil ready. I honestly thing this is the easiest way. Xmas pud on offer only after.

Since I had kids we always spend Christmas Day at home just the four of us. We visit family on other days over Christmas or they come to us but Christmas Day for us as a family is about spending it really enjoying it with our children.

Just tell them now “ I’m not hosting Christmas,please make alternative arrangements”.You don’t have to explain where you’re going to spend Christmas or justify why not ( because it’s bloody hard work and nobody pulls their finger out)

It’s not like your DM and DGM have nowhere to go, they can organise something with your siblings.

Unless your DF has health dictated dietary requirements he’s just rude being so picky about food.

You have a small child,build your own Christmas traditions without stressing about the visitors or schlepping in the car for hours to please the family from whatever side.

I don’t understand physically able bodied people being invited for Christmas,plonking their arse and expecting to be waited on.
Contribute to Christmas with some offerings if food/drink brought with you and help in the kitchen before/after the meal.

YANBU OP, put your foot down.

I have been married 36 years and for the last 30 or so I have hosted Christmas. The numbers have grown and last year I cooked for at least 12. My DH is great, but it is really hard work. The family members also bring all their own presents to open at ours so there is a hell of a mess.

Tbh I have grown tired of it. It is hard making a stand. I deeply regretted falling out with my mum years ago and not having Christmas together because she died not long.

But, my eldest dd's behaviour became intolerable. She has a drink problem and two of her kids live with me already. She is out drinking at weekends and last Christmas she was argumentative and difficult and I felt I was walking on eggshells in my own home. If she is offended in any way, it ruins everyone's day so we all feel we have to tolerate it for the children.

This combined with her behaviour at my gs's birthday which I also hosted has made me become firmer. She turned up hungover, complained about the food and continually baited me trying to cause an argument.

I made my mind up there and then I would not host her again and I have stuck to it. It made me dread Christmas.

Stick to your guns, because your family all have alternatives. My youngest dd has said she wants to host when she moves to a bigger house. Time will tell! I will announce my retirement from my catering service this year I think.

@billy1966 is absolutely right.

October is the perfect time to announce that you will be having a quiet Christmas this year, just you/DH and the kids, and that you're telling them all now so that everyone else can make their Christmas plans ACCORDINGLY.

And don't budge!

It really is well past time that your parents, your grandmother, and your siblings realised that their years of take, take, take are over. They won't go quietly, but stand firm and do not budge. And have a lovely Christmas.!