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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To intervene with someone's parenting skills?

107 replies

parentinghelp1 · 04/10/2021 22:44

Has anyone ever had a situation where they think someone close to them is failing as a parent?

Do you intervene when you feel the children are at risk of having poor outcomes when they're older (they aren't in danger but I feel they could have issues as adults)

I don't have kids so I know mentioning anything is going to lead to 'you don't know anything because you haven't got kids'

What do you do? Just let people carry on potentially hurting their children and them growing up hurt because of their childhood?

I'm no way is this a judgmental post - I am just worried for the children.

It makes me sad.

Also very scared of ruining relationships by intervening.

OP posts:
swanswallow · 05/10/2021 07:17

Just echoing what others have said, I would suggest phoning the NSPCC to discuss the situation in full to get advice anonymously.

Goldbar · 05/10/2021 07:17

I presumed the "unnecessary physical force" was things like grabbing, dragging with one arm, picking up and generally manhandling when the child is misbehaving. All things which you might occasionally have to do with little children but it's very worrying if they're happening all the time. If it's more than this, imo it's probably abuse.

Practicebeingpatient · 05/10/2021 07:31

@parentinghelp1

Has anyone ever had a situation where they think someone close to them is failing as a parent?

Do you intervene when you feel the children are at risk of having poor outcomes when they're older (they aren't in danger but I feel they could have issues as adults)

I don't have kids so I know mentioning anything is going to lead to 'you don't know anything because you haven't got kids'

What do you do? Just let people carry on potentially hurting their children and them growing up hurt because of their childhood?

I'm no way is this a judgmental post - I am just worried for the children.

It makes me sad.

Also very scared of ruining relationships by intervening.

All children grow up to have issues as adults no matter how exemplary the parenting. I have yet to meet an issue free human.

If the children are being damaged by neglect or abuse you should report it. I agree that you should consider ringing the NSPCC to discuss this before making a decision. That way you can give examples without outing yourself or the family.

Underamour · 05/10/2021 07:36

To turn this around:- you are a single parent living in overcrowded conditions. Your children always have to look perfect and get to school on time because single parents get judged and people call SS on them (a commonly held belief where I live). You’ve cleaned the house at 6am because the kids wrecked it again, ironed the uniforms and you need to get them to school before work even though you were up half the night with the baby. Little Jimmy doesn’t want to go so you go down to his level and tell him 3 to see his friends(a note of desperation in your voice). Little Jimmy’s wails grow louder and you think about getting into trouble for being late again. You can’t afford to
Lose this job because benefits barely even cover rent and food and the kids are growing so fast. You feel sick with stress. JIMMY GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE DOOR you shout because you don’t have the energy to ask politely. You pull on Jimmy’s arm a little too hard, finally get to school a minute late (ignoring the judging looks of the other parents) then run to work.

I am not this parent btw but I can see how hard it can be and how parents fall into doing this through stress and exhaustion. What a lot of parents actually need is a break. Also some positivity from friends and family because if you are listening to crying and arguing all day it drains you.

Muttly · 05/10/2021 07:49

It does sound like there is emotional and to a lesser extent physical abuse. I would very gently try to support the parent and children as best I can. In the main though there is almost nothing you can do because this will not meet the threshold for intervention. I would not say anything remotely critical to the parents, nothing after a criticism will be heard. So the support would have to come from a place of understanding.

I think that there is no way we can get through life without seeing many situations of less than ideal parenting. Even people who truly pour themselves into parenting make serious mistakes and carry through less than ideal stuff from their past.

Bellringer · 05/10/2021 07:50

Speak to school, this may be part of a pattern
Keep in touch with family, offer childcare, befriend

LookItsMeAgain · 05/10/2021 08:13

[quote parentinghelp1]@YouMakeShitTea it definitely isn't a social services issue.

Doesn't mean it isn't an issue though I don't think it's that black and white [/quote]
How do you know it isn't a social services issue.
You've noticed it
You're concerned by it
Why wouldn't you report it???

What does have to be enough for them to intervene, to offer support and help?? A child being physically injured? How do you know that it hasn't already happened?

Call them and let the professionals do their job. The kids may thank you in later life for making that phone call.

Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 05/10/2021 08:29

It sounds like the parent is very unhappy

This is exactly what it is, or certainly a big big part of it

OP posts:
Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 05/10/2021 08:30

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn that's very similar to what I am trying to describe here.

That's exactly it, thank you for articulating it for me

OP posts:
Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 05/10/2021 08:31

@Goldbar

I presumed the "unnecessary physical force" was things like grabbing, dragging with one arm, picking up and generally manhandling when the child is misbehaving. All things which you might occasionally have to do with little children but it's very worrying if they're happening all the time. If it's more than this, imo it's probably abuse.
That's exactly it, yes it's that type of thing
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2021 08:31

@parentinghelp1

It sounds like the parent is very unhappy

This is exactly what it is, or certainly a big big part of it

This is what I'd focus on.

Check in with them about how they are, offer support where you can to them etc and it should bleed through to their kids.

Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 05/10/2021 08:35

Thank you all for your comments - It's really helped me as I didn't know NSPCC dealt with something like this.

I think the solution here is two things - NSPCC and helping by taking the kids out more - though this is very tricky as I'll be honest I work very long hours and don't live close. But I can try I guess, I'll have to make the extra effort.

I will try these two approaches. Trying to talk to the person in question will not worked - I've tried the 'are you stressed' thing many many times and even suggested they get hell but it falls on deafs ears.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2021 08:38

Trying to talk to the person in question will not worked - I've tried the 'are you stressed' thing many many times and even suggested they get hell but it falls on deafs ears go with "how are you doing" / "how's things" etc rather than making a statement that suggests YOU know better than them what's wrong with youm

Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 05/10/2021 08:42

@SleepingStandingUp they will say 'not well' and then where do you go from there? I can't make this person happy?

OP posts:
Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 05/10/2021 08:47

@Goldbar to be fair, I wouldn't be commenting if it was random behaviour I'd seen in a park because that could be one situation of the whole week where the child is really misbehaving.

But this is different, it's regular - very regular

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/10/2021 08:50

I work very long hours and don't live close.

How do you know what’s going on with these kids then? Confused

RealBecca · 05/10/2021 08:55

"Does that mean if it isn't a social issue it should just be left then?"

Yes, unless youre prepared to have an open conversation about it with the parent.

AntiSocialDistancer · 05/10/2021 08:56

You can phone the NSPCC and know with confidence you can talk about issues and what they feel is appropriate action to take. And they can take the action themselves.

There's enough to what you've said that I think speaking to someone about specifics might be useful to share the decision making in what you need to do.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/10/2021 08:57

[quote parentinghelp1]@SleepingStandingUp they will say 'not well' and then where do you go from there? I can't make this person happy? [/quote]
It isn't your job to make them happy.

Ask them if they want to talk about it and listen not problem solve. Ask if there's anything you can do to help.

EducatingArti · 05/10/2021 08:57

I was a child like you describe. Outwardly a very "normal" middle class family, always fed and clean and decent clothes, but...
an almost totally emotionally absent father and a narcissistic mother who was emotionally neglectful and abusive.
I remember a family who came to stay with us. They lived in USA and the mother was so totally lovely to my I wanted to go and visit them in America, on my own. I was about 7.
As a young adult, being obviously under stress and strain an aunt said to me "It's your mum isn't it. I should have said something."
To be honest I don't think it would have had that much of an effect.
Once when we were out shopping my mum hit my sister. She stumbled and fell and a lady came and shouted at my mum and said she would call the NSPCC. Mum remembers this but rationalises this as "I didn't smack her hard but she tripped on the edge of the curb".
What saw me through my teenage years was love and unconditional positive regard from youth leaders at the Christian youth group I attended
I have had a lifetime of emotional difficulty and am still working things through in therapy.
Not sure what advice to give, but yes, try and build a different positive relationship with the children.

Mischance · 05/10/2021 08:57

How many children/families are we talking about here? If it is just the one family, then invite them round + parent and let them see how you do it. I am sure you are a shining example of perfect parenting!!

EducatingArti · 05/10/2021 09:13

Wow, so much criticism because the op is childless! Of course parenting is bloody hard but you don't need to have given birth to see when children are unhappy and that there could be another better way of parenting.

Peanutsandchilli · 05/10/2021 09:24

I'd rather intervene and be shouted at than leave a child in a potentially harmful situation. I once saw a mum pushing a pram with a baby, no older than 6 months, in it. This baby had a dummy in, and a face mask over the dummy. The mask kept slipping down so the mum was fiddling constantly to try and keep it over the child's face. I felt I had to intervene in that situation, but the mum just asked what the fuck it had to do with me and walked away. I'm hoping it made her research the danger she was putting her baby in.

QuestionEverythingBaby · 05/10/2021 10:19

But this is different, it's regular - very regular

How do you know this though if you work long hours and don't live near them?
It may just be the times you do see them eg in the evening, the parents are particularly stressed and shouty (we've all been there!).

Chamomileteaplease · 05/10/2021 10:41

From what you have said, to me, it most certainly does sound like abuse and I hope you can do something about it. I understand it is difficult but I hope you at least talk to the NSPCC for advice.

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