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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To intervene with someone's parenting skills?

107 replies

parentinghelp1 · 04/10/2021 22:44

Has anyone ever had a situation where they think someone close to them is failing as a parent?

Do you intervene when you feel the children are at risk of having poor outcomes when they're older (they aren't in danger but I feel they could have issues as adults)

I don't have kids so I know mentioning anything is going to lead to 'you don't know anything because you haven't got kids'

What do you do? Just let people carry on potentially hurting their children and them growing up hurt because of their childhood?

I'm no way is this a judgmental post - I am just worried for the children.

It makes me sad.

Also very scared of ruining relationships by intervening.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/10/2021 23:07

Excessive physical force sounds worrying

Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 04/10/2021 23:07

@PurpleDaisies it's not excessive, unnecessary

OP posts:
Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 04/10/2021 23:08

It's unnecessary I mean

OP posts:
Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 04/10/2021 23:08

I've decided already from some of the posts I won't be saying anything. There isn't abuse or neglect so I guess you're right it's none of my business.

It just makes me sad.

OP posts:
YouMakeShitTea · 04/10/2021 23:09

Difficult to say tbh from what you've said.

Social services may be appropriate?

orangeautumnleaves · 04/10/2021 23:09

Yes I have a very good friend who was really not a great mum. No abuse but certainly not nurturing.

Her son is now an adult in his 20's with many many issues, it's been pretty evident from him mid teens that he was heading down the wrong way and just couldn't handle much and was very very influenced by others and not in a good way.

My friend has been forced to take a long hard look at their relationship and her role in that and is now in counselling.

But no I did nothing. Why? My friends husband was and is fab and I think I really hoped that he son would be less affected by his mum as he had a dad who was nurturing, was great with him etc but at the end of the day it was mum he spent most time with so the reality she was the key parent.

Even now in hindsight I look back and know that had I said anything it would have been met by deaf ears, she would blame her son for his behaviour ( this was when he was young) you could see she felt no responsibility for it herself. It was as if she treated and reacted to her son as a 6 year old as if he were an adult.

Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 04/10/2021 23:11

@YouMakeShitTea it definitely isn't a social services issue.

Doesn't mean it isn't an issue though I don't think it's that black and white

OP posts:
Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 04/10/2021 23:11

@orangeautumnleaves it's horrible to see isn't it

OP posts:
Mantlemoose · 04/10/2021 23:18

As there is physical and verbal abuse then yes, report to SS. You're doing it for the right reasons.

whynotwhatknot · 04/10/2021 23:18

i think contsant shouting is abuse actually

Original poster
parentinghelp1 · 04/10/2021 23:20

Theres is no way I would report to SS - it isn't at the point where they need to be involved from what I've seen.

Does that mean if it isn't a social issue it should just be left then?

OP posts:
orangeautumnleaves · 04/10/2021 23:21

[quote parentinghelp1]@orangeautumnleaves it's horrible to see isn't it [/quote]
Yes it is horrible to see. And even worse watching the child grow and seeing it all fall apart when it need not have. Now he just breaks my heart.

TableFlowerss · 04/10/2021 23:41

@gogohm

Depends if I felt that there was real danger. I did interfere or rather offer firm advice when I saw an acquaintance's grandchild being neglected, I pushed for them to contact the health visitor and they ended up have parenting classes, the child isn't quite where they should be for 7 but has caught up from where they were (I discovered my change that the grandmother was sitting the child in front of the tv from 8-5 each day rather than taking him to nursery even, food was crisps and cans of coke, grandmother has lmild learning difficulties. )
Just to inform you for future, ‘Learning Difficulties’ are specific, such as Dyslexia, Dyscalculia etc etc….. it doesn’t affect intelligence.

If you mean a ‘Mild Learning Disability’, that’s something quite different and that corresponds with an IQ of lower than 70.

SummerInSun · 04/10/2021 23:42

Do you have the sort of relationship with the children where you can be someone they go to for extra support/comfort/nurturing? Give them some of what they aren't getting from their parents?

Also, do you have any sense of why the parents are so stressed and shouty? That doesn't sound like a deliberate choice of parenting style, but rather people who are super stressed. Are they under financial pressure, in very stressful jobs or at risk of unemployment, for example? Do they just never get a break? Just wondering if you could identify the underlying cause and help with that?

Justilou1 · 04/10/2021 23:43

Can you talk to their school? That might be a way to get the parent some help…

BoredZelda · 04/10/2021 23:47

“Poor outcomes” sounds like a judgement thing.

BloomingTrees · 04/10/2021 23:48

I agree with SummerInSun. Could you help them out in anyway?

Stompythedinosaur · 05/10/2021 00:08

For me it depends on the relationship a bit.

I think a person who isn't fussed about how well they parent is unlikely to listen to advice, but equally I don't think I could be friends with someone who constantly shouted at their dc so I might as well say something just so they know it stands out to others as a problem.

Constant shouting and pushing doesn't sound good at all. Poor dc!

Ambersand · 05/10/2021 00:21

I know it's against the bible according to mumsnet but personally I would love if you said something. It might make a difference. I am in a similar situation, not quite abuse, not quite neglect, not warranting social services and yet very distressing to watch, year in year out. The kid in watching is 10 now and her behaviour is disturbed and she is really unhappy in herself. Heartbreaking.

TartanJumper · 05/10/2021 00:25

It's so hard.
I don't think most people would deal with an "intervention" well, unless they are reasonable enough to have insight into their own behaviour, which most people who need intervention are not!

RedToothBrush · 05/10/2021 00:34

Parents will only behave like that if they feel pushed to the edge. They probably shout because they feel like they are falling already.

I doubt additional outside criticism is going to help. Quite the reverse. And it may make it worse.

What they probably need more is simply a break and some space from the stress of being a parent / other multiple responsibilities they are juggling.

I'd be thinking about why they are behaving like that first and foremost....

urbanbuddha · 05/10/2021 04:00

Emotional abuse is abuse. You've seen "unnecessary physical force". This could be worse when there are no witnesses present. I think you're right to be worried about it. The NSPCC has a helpline. You could give them a call and ask their advice.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 05/10/2021 04:43

It is abuse and I would report it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2021 04:46

Please don’t listen to people saying none of your business. Talk to the parents, try to calm them down. Plant seeds in their head that they’re not dealing with it effectively eg ‘Wow you seem stressed’. Let them talk, empathise, ask them if they’d like to deal with it another way. Flag it to the school.

If this person is acting like this with under 8s, who generally are pretty easy in comparison to teens, what going to happen when the kids hit puberty?!

Vaselike · 05/10/2021 04:50

Are you in the position where you can regularly (once a month?) ras the kids out by yourself, “aunty/uncle’s treat”?

This would have the double whammy of giving the parents a break but also the kids a break too (and building a positive relationship).

Most parents are just trying their best, and everyone parents differently, but I’ll join you with the judgy pants that some people’s best isn’t good enough.