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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer DH no sympathy

132 replies

Coffee2sugarss · 04/10/2021 21:20

I’m so fucking mad.

DH went out all day to football and then a gig, caught the wrong train home and then got into an argument with some lads on the train. A British Transport Police person seems to have intervened and DH stepped away.

On the train platform (trying to work out a way home) one of the men from the altercation spotted him and punched DH. DH swears he didn’t throw any punches but he now has a fat lip and keeps getting upset that he is going to get arrested or called in for questioning or lose his job.

He says police intervened, took his details and shoved him towards the taxi rank.

AIBU to offer no sympathy at all. DH was stupid enough to get hammered and into these situation he should live with the consequences.

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 05/10/2021 14:49

YANBU. He got drunk and couldn’t control himself. It’s his own fault.

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 15:33

@seaandsandcastles

YANBU. He got drunk and couldn’t control himself. It’s his own fault.
Would you say the same thing if it was a woman who got punched in the face while she was waiting for a train?
seaandsandcastles · 05/10/2021 15:51

@icedcoffees I’d say the same thing to anyone who was drunk and mouthing off. Actions have consequences.

ChickPeaSalad · 05/10/2021 15:53

Holy fuck.

If I got punched by someone, regardless of what words were exchanged, and DH acted like this in return?

I'd DTMFA.

gannett · 05/10/2021 16:06

[quote seaandsandcastles]@icedcoffees I’d say the same thing to anyone who was drunk and mouthing off. Actions have consequences.[/quote]
You have no idea what "mouthing off" even entails in this scenario.

Were the group of lads acting like pricks, maybe even abusing othe passengers, and OP's husband told them so?

Did he just make a sarky wisecrack that they took umbrage at?

Neither of those things should EVER have the consequence of getting assaulted.

The only scenario in which I'd say he deserved what he got is if he'd been abusive first. There's no evidence this was the case and from OP's updates and description of her husband it doesn't sound like it's what happened.

NumberTheory · 05/10/2021 16:07

Being attacked is traumatising. I'm not surprised your DH doesn't feel like going out. If he needs it there may be some counseling available through the GP, a work scheme or look up if there is something local for victims of crime here: www.victimandwitnessinformation.org.uk/find-local-support/

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 16:10

[quote seaandsandcastles]@icedcoffees I’d say the same thing to anyone who was drunk and mouthing off. Actions have consequences.[/quote]
Delightful piece of victim blaming there Hmm

What kind of behaviour do you think is deserving a good punch in the face off a stranger, then?

ChickPeaSalad · 05/10/2021 16:15

[quote seaandsandcastles]@icedcoffees I’d say the same thing to anyone who was drunk and mouthing off. Actions have consequences.[/quote]
I'm so sorry you've grown up in an environment where you've been conditioned to believe that being assaulted is an expected outcome of saying something or having an argument. Physical violence is never okay, regardless of getting into an argument.

seaandsandcastles · 05/10/2021 17:12

@gannett I didn’t say they would deserve it, I just said that actions have consequences.

@icedcoffees Again, never said it was deserved.

@ChickPeaSalad Nice try, but I’ve never even seen a physical fight.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/10/2021 17:51

I’ve never even seen a physical fight.

Lovely, then your whole point of “actions have consequences” is based on zero experience with violence. No wonder you are victim blaming. You probably feel that your personal safety measures actually protect you from witnessing or being targeted with violence and thus anyone attacked must somehow be partially to blame? Instead you should realise you have been lucky.

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 18:40

@icedcoffees Again, never said it was deserved.

You said it was his own fault!

"seaandsandcastles Tue 05-Oct-21 14:49:54*
YANBU. He got drunk and couldn’t control himself. It’s his own fault.*

seaandsandcastles · 05/10/2021 19:05

[quote icedcoffees]**@icedcoffees Again, never said it was deserved.

You said it was his own fault!

"seaandsandcastles Tue 05-Oct-21 14:49:54*
YANBU. He got drunk and couldn’t control himself. It’s his own fault.*[/quote]
Yes, it is his own fault. That is not the same as deserving it. There is a distinction.

He did not deserve to be punched in the face, but it is his own fault that he was.

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 19:08

He did not deserve to be punched in the face, but it is his own fault that he was.

What's the difference?

seaandsandcastles · 05/10/2021 19:13

@icedcoffees Nobody deserves to be punched in the face, just like nobody deserves to be alone.

But if you go mouthing off and causing problems, it is your fault if you get punched in the face, just like if you’re a twat to everyone you know, you’re gonna end up alone and it would be your fault.

Actions have consequences.

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 19:27

[quote seaandsandcastles]@icedcoffees Nobody deserves to be punched in the face, just like nobody deserves to be alone.

But if you go mouthing off and causing problems, it is your fault if you get punched in the face, just like if you’re a twat to everyone you know, you’re gonna end up alone and it would be your fault.

Actions have consequences.[/quote]
Jesus, aren't you a pleasant person.

Nobody should be punched in the face for any reason, regardless of how much "mouthing off" you do.

If your daughter came home with a bloody face because she was "mouthing off" would you just shrug her off and tell her it's her own fault?

seaandsandcastles · 05/10/2021 19:29

@icedcoffees How many times do I need to repeat myself? Nobody should be. Nobody deserves it. But it’s a natural consequence of his actions.

If that happened to my daughter or my husband I’ll tell them they need to control themselves (don’t get drunk) and that this is exactly what happens when you go creating problems.

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 19:34

If you think being punched in the face is a natural consequence of anything, I think you have some issues tbh.

seaandsandcastles · 05/10/2021 19:36

@icedcoffees

If you think being punched in the face is a natural consequence of anything, I think you have some issues tbh.
And if you think you can go round mouthing off and being a twat without being pulled up on it then you’re very wrong.
Wolfiefan · 05/10/2021 19:39

Nobody should punch anyone. Ever.
Unfortunately some people do resort to violence. And getting pissed up and mouthing off at people like this could see someone getting punched.
I had a colleague who got drunk. He and a friend were making stupid and offensive comments about someone. He ended up needing surgery. Fair? Absolutely not. But if he hadn’t got pissed and acted like a twat then it wouldn’t have happened.

icedcoffees · 05/10/2021 19:45

And if you think you can go round mouthing off and being a twat without being pulled up on it then you’re very wrong.

I mean, there's being pulled up on something, and there's being physically assaulted.

According to OP, the altercation was over, they'd all been moved on, and this man came back over to the DH and smacked him in the mouth. That's not DH's fault.

If someone is punched in the face (or anywhere), the only person at fault is the one who threw the punch.

MurielSpriggs · 05/10/2021 19:59

@seaandsandcastles, for someone who has never seen a fight you are very enthusiastic in your defence of the right to violently assault non-violent people.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/10/2021 20:16

[quote seaandsandcastles]@icedcoffees How many times do I need to repeat myself? Nobody should be. Nobody deserves it. But it’s a natural consequence of his actions.

If that happened to my daughter or my husband I’ll tell them they need to control themselves (don’t get drunk) and that this is exactly what happens when you go creating problems.[/quote]
No, it’s really not a natural consequence of his actions to be punched in the face. Self control doesn’t protect you from harm any more than getting drunk results in harm.

You really need to read this
criminal-justice.iresearchnet.com/crime/domestic-violence/victim-blaming-theory/

Latenightpharma · 05/10/2021 20:33

@Wolfiefan

Nobody should punch anyone. Ever. Unfortunately some people do resort to violence. And getting pissed up and mouthing off at people like this could see someone getting punched. I had a colleague who got drunk. He and a friend were making stupid and offensive comments about someone. He ended up needing surgery. Fair? Absolutely not. But if he hadn’t got pissed and acted like a twat then it wouldn’t have happened.
This is exactly the same as "if she hadn't been wearing a short skirt it wouldn't have happened". What an embarrassing post.
Wolfiefan · 05/10/2021 21:16

It really isn’t. Confused

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/10/2021 21:24

@Coffee2sugarss

He is a natural worrier and neither of us have ever been arrested or in trouble with the law, we just don’t understand how it works I suppose.
Most likely outcome is that the copper thought none of this would have happened if he hadn't been a gobby pissed up twat and you never hear any more of it. Assuming that the CCTV doesn't show him starting it with a shove or two, that is.
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