AIBU to offer DH no sympathy

[Coffee2sugarss]

I’m so fucking mad.

DH went out all day to football and then a gig, caught the wrong train home and then got into an argument with some lads on the train. A British Transport Police person seems to have intervened and DH stepped away.

On the train platform (trying to work out a way home) one of the men from the altercation spotted him and punched DH. DH swears he didn’t throw any punches but he now has a fat lip and keeps getting upset that he is going to get arrested or called in for questioning or lose his job.

He says police intervened, took his details and shoved him towards the taxi rank.

AIBU to offer no sympathy at all. DH was stupid enough to get hammered and into these situation he should live with the consequences.

But it also depends how much of this is true and how much is being omitted. He might have been spoiling for a fight and deliberately provoking these guys more than we know,

It doesn't matter whether he "provoked" anyone. He still shouldn't have been punched in the face.

The victim blaming on this thread is awful.

If a woman got into a row with someone, would she deserve to be punched in the face because she was "spoiling for a fight"?

If he was drunk, spoiling for a fight and winding up this group of lads, well it's not exactly surprising. No one deserves to be assaulted but how much did he actually provoke them, who started the argument and what was it about?

That's irrelevant really. Plenty of times on here there are posts from a woman who has been down right goady and provocative and then has been pushed or something and all hell breaks lose on MN that she has been assaulted should ring the police should LTB etc etc

@icedcoffees

But it also depends how much of this is true and how much is being omitted. He might have been spoiling for a fight and deliberately provoking these guys more than we know,

It doesn't matter whether he "provoked" anyone. He still shouldn't have been punched in the face.

The victim blaming on this thread is awful.

If a woman got into a row with someone, would she deserve to be punched in the face because she was "spoiling for a fight"?

This.

Violence just isn't acceptable. Defend yourself if someone is attacking you but starting a fight because someone says something you don't like, just no.

If you go down that path, who judges what is acceptable enough to warrant a punch in the face.

I could only judge if I've never been drunk. But I have. So I can't.

Does he get drunk often?

Drunk gobby men tend to get into fights with each other. It's stupid but far too many of them do it for some reason.

So was he drunk?
And he has form for being "gobby"?

Mmmm why is he worried about being arrested if he just took a punch? It will all be on cctv.

DSs girlfriend was groped in a town bar by a 56 year old married man with children. DS who was much smaller and 30 years younger approached the man to ask him why and the bloke, all big and hard with his mates started shoving DS who punched him and they ended in a fight.

All on cctv, Both we’re arrested.

DS was let off as it was clear they said, the other man was the aggressor. The police tried to prosecute the other man for sexual assault and that was on CCTV too, but the CPS dropped it. Tbf the police WOMAN tried really really hard for nine months.

I digress, if your DH did nothing why is he worried? The police have got far too much going on to start trawling CCTV looking for people that were assaulted.

Of course YABVU! I doubt people would be deliberating over this as much if the situation was reversed and OP's husband was being cold and uncaring after a group of women punched her and left her with visible injuries.
I know he doesn't, but you can bet I'd have marks on my knuckles if someone punched me. I'd never start a fight, but would defend myself whenever possible. I would also be very worried in case I ended up getting equal blame if there was nothing (CCTV, witnesses, etc.) to prove I was defending myself and not just fighting.

Yabu; I’d have lots of sympathy for my husband if this happened to him. Do you not like that he had a few drinks?

The victim blaming on this thread is astonishing. As for saying this is a new low for MN that completely minimises the range of emotions you should feel for your partner in this.

Yes, I would be annoyed that my DH got so drunk he got the wrong train home. DH doesn’t make a habit of getting so drunk he gets the wrong train home, so that in itself I’d be pissed off for a little bit but I wouldn’t be ending my marriage. Possibly a different situation if that happens every month.

I’d be annoyed at DH for mouthing off to a bunch of lads on the train. I can recognise that my anger here is because of fear for him putting himself in that situation. Logically, I can recognise that these lads are probably the instigators (given they then punched him at the station after the argument had been broken up) and they were probably spoiling for a fight. My DH isn’t the type of person to go looking for a fight and given your DH is worried about police involvement and his career, it sounds like he isn’t either. I can recognise that this behaviour from the lads shouldn’t go unchallenged but I can still be angry that my DH decided to be the one to challenge that behaviour. Again my anger is out of fear of him getting hurt. I can also recognise I’ve done some stupid things, sober and drunk, I’ve called out something before and then in an instant worried about what the consequences to me will be. DH has been angry at me for those times, again it’s fear of me putting myself in situation in which I get hurt.

I can be angry about DH being punched, especially after the altercation has been broken up once. There will definitely be a lot of anger to the group of lads. There is also anger at DH and I think the anger is knowing that I was right and my fear has come true, not at DH for getting himself in that position. Although in the heightened emotions at the time it’s hard to separate those feelings of anger and what is the underlying driver for that anger. The anger should be short lived and after that would probably come fear of how much worse it could have been. Fear so strong it’s not masked by anger anymore. And relief that DH is home.

So OP you aren’t unreasonable to be angry as long as you can recognise your anger for the last two events are driven by fear for your DH and that he isn’t actually at fault. It doesn’t sound like he makes a habit of getting pissed and getting the wrong train. He might be mouthy but again it doesn’t sound like he is unnecessarily mouthy and mouths off for no reason?

I’d support my DH if this sort of thing happened. Suppose you got into an argument with some women after a night out (and you didn’t start it), then one of them found you on the platform and punched you? And the police assumed you’d both been fighting and didn’t help just took you to the taxi rank? Wouldn’t you hope your DH would be supportive?

People get into altercations for all kinds of reasons. I’ve seen dads almost throw punches over parking spaces outside school!

Your DH was attacked and injured. Maybe he was drunk and didn’t diffuse the situation well, but unless he started the fight it sounds mean to blame him.

Ahhh, I hadn't read any further when I posted that. I'll report it as it seems like the OP's first post can't be relied on and he may not have been the aggressor after all .

I would say victims are often concerned about reactions from others.
It's a well known phenomena, particularly amongst females who have been drinking etc.

@Coffee2sugarss

I’m in a difficult position here how do I be supportive without looking like I condone it? (Getting hammered and being mouthy)

As pp's have said if this was a woman who had got "hammered" and "mouthy" it would be all sympathy. Tbh you sound really unsupportive and quite cold.

if your DH did nothing why is he worried? The police have got far too much going on to start trawling CCTV looking for people that were assaulted.

Many victims worry about the police. Especially in cases like the DHs where they intervened but did not seem to care that a violent crime had been committed against him, but instead shoved him towards a taxi rank. As you say, they don’t have the resources to look up the cctv to find out who was the aggressor. The DH could be worrying what happens if his attacker files a false report with the police? Would he be arrested and questioned for something he did not do? Should he file a report himself? And if he does, and the attacker lies, will he be arrested, questioned? Then lose his job because he was arrested even though innocent? (This does happen).

Victim Support U.K. mention this phenomenon as well
“If you’ve been a victim of crime, you’ll need to decide whether or not to tell the police. It’s okay to feel unsure about this or worry about what will happen if you do. You might think that the police won’t care. Maybe you’ve had a bad experience with the police in the past. Or perhaps you’re worried that if you talk to the police, it will only make things worse.”
www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/reporting-crime/

You should just take his word for it, and offer support and sympathy for the fact he has been assaulted after the whole incident.
He is an adult, he is well aware that he got himself in the mess of the wrong train situation. But that part is irrelevant. He was assaulted.

IF the police do want to speak to him further (very unlikely), and it turns out he was more involved than he has told you, then you can be mad at him.

Right now though, he is a victim of an actual crime and his wife isn't being very supportive.

From the OP's updates it doesn't seem like her husband is the kind of man who goes out spoiling for a fight when he gets drunk. Never been in trouble with the police, a natural worrier, evidence doesn't point towards him throwing punches. Sounds like he was just a bit of a smartarse to some real thugs.

Violent men don't need much of an excuse to use their fists and it sounds like the OP's husband was just the victim of this. The least you can do is offer support. Being the victim of assault isn't just about the physical pain but how it can leave you anxious for a long time afterwards.

You think he's been stupid getting drunk - I'm sure he does as well. The last thing you need when you're beating yourself up (metaphorically) over doing something stupid is your partner rubbing it in.

* he has always been gobby *

I can’t imagine ever falling in love with a man like this

I’ve calmed down and we’ve had a really good talk today (and a few tears and cuddles)

He is absolutely mortified and still upset about the whole thing. He’s not sleeping, turning it over in his mind. As I say he has no criminal record. Neither of us do.

Thanks for the practical advice on here, he’s taken a picture of his arms and hands. I’ve tried to reassure him that if he was in trouble either for his mouthy behaviour (breach if the peace?) or for what happened on the platform he would have been arrested. I passed on the info of why you all think they took his name and address.

He was due to go out this Friday but he’s cancelled it, he says he’s never going out again. I did say to him that’s not realistic and he needs to think above what he could do in the future - not getting so hammered, getting an Uber account.

Thanks nest of vipers, off to name change

Oh take picture of his “fat lip” and facial bruising too. That is also proof he was assaulted resulting in bodily harm.

I’d also go to the Victim Support UK page and have him read through the resources on there and maybe consider accessing support. Being assaulted can be quite traumatic and the reaction of “never going out again” is avoidance behaviour that is quite common after a traumatic experience.

Thank you @PlanDeRaccordement

@DartmoorChef

He was on his own after a few drinks and got punched. He's lucky he wasn't more badly injured. Would you be quite as cold if this was a woman who had been attacked after she'd had a few drinks?

Yabu

This. You don't even know he was gibby. He might have been minding his own business and been started on by this group. Does defending himself verbally mean he was gobby? The lack of empathy is astonishing.

Like others have said. Imagine this scenario. You go for a few drinks and to a concert with friends. You get lost on he way home and end up on the wrong train. A group of women shout at you. You are sat in the seat they want. They demand you move now. You tell them no, there are plenty of other seats. You won't be moving. One of them threatens you physically and punches you. You are shocked, upset and bleeding.

You then go home and your dh is angry. You had been drinking and were gobby. This is your fault. Can you imagine the bewilderment and hurt you would feel?

This is what you did to your dh. I hope you apologised. I understand the knee jerk reaction if you were genuinely horrified by what might have been. But this is not his fault and you were in the wrong

@PlanDeRaccordement

Oh take picture of his “fat lip” and facial bruising too. That is also proof he was assaulted resulting in bodily harm.

I’d also go to the Victim Support UK page and have him read through the resources on there and maybe consider accessing support. Being assaulted can be quite traumatic and the reaction of “never going out again” is avoidance behaviour that is quite common after a traumatic experience.

Not “proof” in the slightest

Unless photos taken by police

Disregarded completely

If they didn't arrest him at the time, I doubt he'll be contacted again