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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to offer DH no sympathy

132 replies

Coffee2sugarss · 04/10/2021 21:20

I’m so fucking mad.

DH went out all day to football and then a gig, caught the wrong train home and then got into an argument with some lads on the train. A British Transport Police person seems to have intervened and DH stepped away.

On the train platform (trying to work out a way home) one of the men from the altercation spotted him and punched DH. DH swears he didn’t throw any punches but he now has a fat lip and keeps getting upset that he is going to get arrested or called in for questioning or lose his job.

He says police intervened, took his details and shoved him towards the taxi rank.

AIBU to offer no sympathy at all. DH was stupid enough to get hammered and into these situation he should live with the consequences.

OP posts:

DailyMailHater · 04/10/2021 22:52

Maybe cause he is in shock at the situation and is having to deal with the fact he has been attacked - therefore possibly not thinking straight.

expat101 · 04/10/2021 22:54

DD and I were on the tube once and a soccer game must have finished as supporters from both sides got on the train. Clearly, one man had far too much to drink and kept walking past us to try and antagonize a supporter of the other team.

the guy did his best to ignore him, and fortunately, the mates of the drunk got him off the train at the next stop.

So I can totally understand how a fight can be one-sided. Maybe your DH can't remember things fully having sunk a few, and is worried that he went too far?

Support DH but perhaps enquire with the police if any footage is available to view, perhaps for them to identify the other person and follow it up? They would understand you wanting to know this I'm sure.

Lou98 · 04/10/2021 22:55

@Clymene

None of us know what happened with the blokes he had the altercation with. He might have gone up to them and shouted racist abuse at them.

The rape comparisons are desperate and pathetic.

He also might have been sat minding his own business

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2021 22:55

How on earth is a man raping someone the same as a pissed up man being mouthy and starting a situation that ends in a fight??

Unanananana · 04/10/2021 22:55

This situation is not comparable to a woman being raped. Its not even similar.

You know your DH OP. You sound like you want to be supportive without condoning his silly actions which must be a difficult balance to strike.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 23:03

@Wolfiefan

There is a massive difference between a drunken man gobbing off and ending up in an altercation and a woman who goes out , has a few drinks and is raped. FFS. Why would he be so worried about police if he was the victim of an unprovoked attack?

But that’s not the comparison. The comparison is Mouthy drunk person on wrong train in an argument, which ended, but is subsequently punched in the head later on at the train station.

Substitute man for woman. Why the difference? If the DH deserved to be punched, then so would a woman in the same circumstances.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 23:04

@Wolfiefan

How on earth is a man raping someone the same as a pissed up man being mouthy and starting a situation that ends in a fight??

But we don’t know that he started the argument, and it did not end in a fight. It ended on the train. Then later at the station, one of the men punched the DH in the head.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 23:07

@Clymene

None of us know what happened with the blokes he had the altercation with. He might have gone up to them and shouted racist abuse at them.

The rape comparisons are desperate and pathetic.

Or maybe the “lads” were shouting racist abuse at the DH? You are so desperate to victim blame its pathetic.

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2021 23:07

Who said anyone deserves to be punched?
If he’s being open and honest why is he worried about police?
He has form for getting drunk and aggravating behaviour. I would put money on him not being totally honest.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 23:14

If he’s being open and honest why is he worried about police?

Honestly, everyone is worried about the police these days and for good reason.

Pinkplums · 04/10/2021 23:21

My DH was out once after a rugby match. Some of his friends found themselves in a heated argument with some other men. My DH shouted to his friend “leave it now, they’re just tossers” and promptly got punched in the nose. He managed to leave without any more actions and on his way home found a police officer and explained it to him. The pc didn’t care less and threatened to arrest him for being drunk and disorderly if he didn’t go away (I imagine he looked a state covered in blood and was probably quite agitated/wound up - but still!)
He needed surgery on his nose and was really affected by the whole incident. I was very sympathetic and feel sick at the thought of someone hurting my DH. He was really upset after it, concerned the police would get involved against him and was totally shook by the whole thing. He was also concerned that it looked really bad for his career to have been involved in something.
I think your DHs version sounds plausible and that if you think it’s not in his nature to be aggressive then you should have sympathy. Wives don’t have to punish husbands bad behaviours and it sounds like he has had far worse than he deserved (since he doesn’t deserve any of it!)

MmNc01 · 05/10/2021 00:16

Strange thread.

XenoBitch · 05/10/2021 00:27

YABU
He came home with a fat lip and shame. If he had been stabbed and taken to hospital, would your thoughts be the same?

MurielSpriggs · 05/10/2021 00:43

@Wolfiefan

How on earth is a man raping someone the same as a pissed up man being mouthy and starting a situation that ends in a fight??

Victim blaming

PurpleOkapi · 05/10/2021 02:47

I don't know why anyone's talking about rape. If a drunk woman gets on the wrong train and is "mouthy," does she deserve to be punched in the face?

NumberTheory · 05/10/2021 03:22

The being so drunk you can't get the right train home is the sort of thing that gets you embarrassment and loss of trust from your partner. It does not, and should not, receive physical punishment. An assault on the street can be traumatizing. It's not normally just some brief pain. He deserves sympathy and support from those who love him.

But if his getting so drunk he got on the wrong train home is one step too far for you. If it's a line in the sand or the last of many occasions when he's promised not to but done it anyway. If drink has been a problem and this is one more indicator that he has a problem he won't acknowledge or deal with effectively. If it isn't so much that you think he deserves to be assaulted as that he's just lost your love/trust/respect and, regardless of him being assaulted, you need to reconsider your relationship with him. If that's what's happened, then you don't have to push all that to one side and be sympathetic just because he was assaulted. It's not your responsibility to make up for the fact there are violent assholes out there who crossed paths with someone you are on the verge of breaking up with.

twoandeights · 05/10/2021 03:39

What was the incident with the woman on the train? Whatever it was, it was so bad that the other guy got off the train and followed your husband to confront him. If it was me, before any sympathy I’d be calling the police to find out what happened. You need some fact finding. Why was he being gobby towards a woman? He was on his own on the train? Something doesn’t add up.

MorriseysGladioli · 05/10/2021 03:47

He wasn't being gobby towards a woman.

PurpleOkapi · 05/10/2021 04:27

There was no incident with a woman on the train. We're talking about women on trains to argue with OP's view that being drunk on the wrong train = deserving to get punched in the face.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 05/10/2021 05:13

My (( sober)) dp got into a row on the train because a bunch of drunks were singing songs about oral sex in front of terrified kids. One was so scared he'd locked himself in the toilet.

They then had a damn good kicking planned as he got off the train....... It was only avoided because he'd overheard them planning it so the police met them at the station..... Your dp really isnt to blame because he met a bunch of thugs who wanted a fight to round their night off.

Aprilx · 05/10/2021 05:19

@Coffee2sugarss

Save your fake sympathy for someone you actually care about.

Obviously I do care about him he’s my DH of many years

You don’t sound like you care. You should like you are talking about someone that you really dslike.

Aprilx · 05/10/2021 05:20

@twoandeights

You need to read the thread again. 🙄

onelittlefrog · 05/10/2021 05:26

It's impossible to tell from your post really because we don't know exactly how your husband was behaving. We don't know him or his personality.

If he was drunk, spoiling for a fight and winding up this group of lads, well it's not exactly surprising. No one deserves to be assaulted but how much did he actually provoke them, who started the argument and what was it about?

If they started on him when he got on the train and he was just defending himself, and didn't provoke anything, that is different.

It shouldn't have led to assault in either situation but the second feels more unjust and unprovoked.

Without the details, no one can say how much he's got himself to blame and whether he deserves any sympathy or not.

There will probably be CCTV on the platform showing what happened.

onelittlefrog · 05/10/2021 05:29

@PurpleOkapi

There was no incident with a woman on the train. We're talking about women on trains to argue with OP's view that being drunk on the wrong train = deserving to get punched in the face.

Yup.

He didn't deserve to get punched in the face for being drunk (or for any reason).

But it also depends how much of this is true and how much is being omitted. He might have been spoiling for a fight and deliberately provoking these guys more than we know, he might not.

Impossible to say without knowing more.

Oblomov21 · 05/10/2021 05:35

Hmm. His story could be true. What if these men, this group of men were really obnoxious and rude and Dh felt he couldn't just not say anything. They could be a group of thugs. I saw plenty myself when I last took the train up to London!
And then he was hit.
It could be a load of nonsense. But it's perfectly plausible that this is exactly what happened.

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