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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer DH no sympathy

132 replies

Coffee2sugarss · 04/10/2021 21:20

I’m so fucking mad.

DH went out all day to football and then a gig, caught the wrong train home and then got into an argument with some lads on the train. A British Transport Police person seems to have intervened and DH stepped away.

On the train platform (trying to work out a way home) one of the men from the altercation spotted him and punched DH. DH swears he didn’t throw any punches but he now has a fat lip and keeps getting upset that he is going to get arrested or called in for questioning or lose his job.

He says police intervened, took his details and shoved him towards the taxi rank.

AIBU to offer no sympathy at all. DH was stupid enough to get hammered and into these situation he should live with the consequences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Coffee2sugarss · 04/10/2021 21:54

It seems AIBU - How do I help here then? Reassure him he won’t be arrested or called in for questioning? What did the police take his name and address for?

OP posts:
DailyMailHater · 04/10/2021 21:55

Your DH has been assaulted and is upset / worried you should be supporting him.

If he got mouthy on the train then ok you don’t support that but none of that justifies him being assaulted.

MurielSpriggs · 04/10/2021 21:56

If you are going to get so smashed that you are gobbing off at people on trains, then there will probably be consequences.

Just like women getting drunk and wearing short skirts Hmm

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2021 21:57

Nobody should be assaulted.
But are people really ok with someone being pissed and gobby on public transport?
I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason he’s so worried is he thinks he could be on camera. And that he hasn’t been honest about his own behaviour.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 21:58

@Coffee2sugarss

It seems AIBU - How do I help here then? Reassure him he won’t be arrested or called in for questioning? What did the police take his name and address for?
For a police report? Victim impact statement? They take details down of victim and attacker.
PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 22:00

I’d have him take photos of his hands as that is proof he did not assault anyone.

DartmoorChef · 04/10/2021 22:01

He was on his own after a few drinks and got punched. He's lucky he wasn't more badly injured. Would you be quite as cold if this was a woman who had been attacked after she'd had a few drinks?

Yabu

Unanananana · 04/10/2021 22:02

@MurielSpriggs

If you are going to get so smashed that you are gobbing off at people on trains, then there will probably be consequences.

Just like women getting drunk and wearing short skirts Hmm

Getting drunk and wearing a short skirt is no reason to be assaulted. Ever. I didn't say it was.

But this is not the situation here.

Her DH was mouthing off at other people. I worked in pubs for almost 15 years. This sort of thing will end in a fight, male or female.

WorriedGiraffe · 04/10/2021 22:02

What would they call him in for questioning for? What crime did he commit? People are allowed to be drunk etc, he left when told to, so it’s not like he’s committed a crime, he’s the victim, the police should be supporting him really. Have you asked if he wants to report the assault?

Highflyingadored · 04/10/2021 22:05

I would give him sympathy for the pain/ butt hurt for getting punched but not for getting himself into that situation in the first place. Check that he hasnt got any injuries and maybe get a doctor checkup in case. Most likely pride has taken the biggest dent.

Police will take details to keep on record I would assume for repeat offences and data tracking etc. Or incase the other guy files a complaint then they have the details ready. As he wasnt being arrested he could have refused to leave details but that never goes down well m.

If he is concerned he could contact 101 and ask if there is anything pending on file against or for him, under GDPr they have to declare that much.

WorraLiberty · 04/10/2021 22:19

@Coffee2sugarss

Save your fake sympathy for someone you actually care about.

Obviously I do care about him he’s my DH of many years

Well you haven't made it 'obvious' here at all.

I sincerely hope if you ever get assaulted after an argument, your DH has some sympathy for you.

Dissimilitude · 04/10/2021 22:24

The whole thing seems like a nothing incident, the police are not going to charge anyone over a minor scuffle and some mouthing off.

Tell your DH to calm down over it, nothings likely to happen.

Clymene · 04/10/2021 22:26

I guess like the OP, I live in a world where your husband getting so drunk they can't get the right train home and then getting into an altercation is deeply worrying and disgusting, not deserving of sympathy.

The MN bar gets ever lower.

Original poster
Coffee2sugarss · 04/10/2021 22:27

Thank you @Clymene

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/10/2021 22:31

@Clymene

I guess like the OP, I live in a world where your husband getting so drunk they can't get the right train home and then getting into an altercation is deeply worrying and disgusting, not deserving of sympathy.

The MN bar gets ever lower.

The OP says he got into an argument with some lads on the train.

Not once has she stated the argument was his fault.

She does however state that once he was off the train and standing on the platform, one of the lads walked up and assaulted him.

What is deeply worrying and disgusting, is that you think that's not deserving of sympathy.

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 22:32

I don't think it's fair to assume that because someone is drunk, it's their fault if they're attacked or otherwise assaulted.

PurpleOkapi · 04/10/2021 22:33

@Clymene

I guess like the OP, I live in a world where your husband getting so drunk they can't get the right train home and then getting into an altercation is deeply worrying and disgusting, not deserving of sympathy.

The MN bar gets ever lower.

In your world, if a woman is so drunk she gets on the wrong train and is then "gets into an altercation" in which she's physically attacked, does she not deserve any sympathy, either?
TractorAndHeadphones · 04/10/2021 22:36

@Wolfiefan

Nobody should be assaulted. But are people really ok with someone being pissed and gobby on public transport? I wouldn’t be surprised if the reason he’s so worried is he thinks he could be on camera. And that he hasn’t been honest about his own behaviour.
Nobody said they're ok with him being pissed - but he shouldn't have been assaulted (if that was indeed what happened). Just that my first reaction to someone getting raped while drunk wouldn't be to get angry at them for being drunk, it would be 100% at the rapist.
WorraLiberty · 04/10/2021 22:38

Exactly @TractorAndHeadphones

The victim blaming here is shocking.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/10/2021 22:42

@Clymene

I guess like the OP, I live in a world where your husband getting so drunk they can't get the right train home and then getting into an altercation is deeply worrying and disgusting, not deserving of sympathy.

The MN bar gets ever lower.

Yes the MN bar is really low because of people like you stooping to victim blame simply because the victim was drunk, on the wrong train and “mouthy.”

You want to stop male violence? Right? Well a good start would be not victim blaming the male victims and calling a physical assault causing bodily harm “nothing”.

We complain about the “she asked for it” narrative, and yet people like you are happy to trot out a “he asked for it” narrative and then act surprised that there is equality in treatment of victims to male violence.

Wolfiefan · 04/10/2021 22:47

There is a massive difference between a drunken man gobbing off and ending up in an altercation and a woman who goes out , has a few drinks and is raped. FFS.
Why would he be so worried about police if he was the victim of an unprovoked attack?

Original poster
Coffee2sugarss · 04/10/2021 22:49

He is a natural worrier and neither of us have ever been arrested or in trouble with the law, we just don’t understand how it works I suppose.

OP posts:
Clymene · 04/10/2021 22:49

I don't have enough eye rolls in my keyboard for that post @PlanDeRaccordement

Lou98 · 04/10/2021 22:50

@Wolfiefan and what if it was a woman that had been flirting with a man all night, kissed him in a bar for example while drunk, led him on, so to speak, then decided that actually, she didn't want to take it further - so walks away - is it her fault if he then catches up to her and rapes her?

Clymene · 04/10/2021 22:51

None of us know what happened with the blokes he had the altercation with. He might have gone up to them and shouted racist abuse at them.

The rape comparisons are desperate and pathetic.