Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be shit scared of childbirth

128 replies

jezzy56 · 04/10/2021 14:47

I have a dc already who was born by emergency c-section.

Pregnant again and hoping for a vaginal delivery this time but I'm so scared. I guess it's maybe fear of the unknown. I had contractions with my ds for several hours but never experienced the pain of a vaginal birth. The thought of tearing and having stitches down there makes me cringe.

Can anyone offer any positive stories or experience please? I'm feeling so anxious that I'm considering requesting an elective section but I know the risks and recovery for that are tough too and I would like to do it naturally if I can.

OP posts:
Mammma91 · 04/10/2021 18:04

I had a forsteps delivery in theatre and 7 stitches.

I imagine a c-section to be 1000x worse OP. That first wee was stingy. But after about 2 days, I was fine. Stitches healed as they should after a few weeks. You’ve had major surgery to have your first little one. Contractions are worse than the actual pushing in my experience xx

2bazookas · 04/10/2021 18:05

Well IME during labour and delivery the vagina wasn't the sore place I had big babies needing assisted deliveries, a ventouse and high forceps, episiotomies for both of course; but they must have given me plenty of local anaesthetic down there because I didn't feel either the cut or the stitching.

My labour pain was tight across the belly, and some ache in the thighs and lower back, similar sensation to a painful period but more powerful.

Why not ask for an epidural / Then you can have a vaginal delivery without much/any discomfort at all.

Cutesbabasmummy · 04/10/2021 18:12

I had an epidural that only worked on my left half. I was induced due to a variety of issues. I was sick 6 times during labour. I was in a lot of pain in the half I could feel. I need an episiotomy and forceps and I tore. The junior Dr stitched me up too tightly and the wound didn't heal fully for 5 months. I know a c section isn't a walk in the park but I wish I had had one.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 04/10/2021 18:14

I had to vaginal births I tore slightly with both but didn't need stitches. DS2 was completely drug free and it hurt like hell but the thought of it was worse than it actually was. I was refusing to push until they gave me something but they couldn't give me anything as he was crowning so it was drug free. I was fine the day afterwards

Saoirse82 · 04/10/2021 18:17

@SherryPalmer

I have to say, I didn’t find labour empowering at all and the contractions were excruciating but the fear of tearing was much worse than the reality and I had an extended second degree tear.
Did you not read the OP, she said positive birth stories.
RaginaPhalange · 04/10/2021 18:22

I had an awful vaginal birth, had a 4th degree tear lost 2l of blood, 2 blood transfusions. DP was very supportive and after 5 days he had enough and told them I was going home.

I then went on to have an elective c section and it was by far the best decision I made. I was terrified but my dp kept me calm and I got through it only lost 500ml blood. Was in for 24hrs and I felt well enough to go home.

Treacletoots · 04/10/2021 18:23

I had an elective section and it was a breeze. Quick pain free and no issues on recovery. The midwives do love to try and scare you by saying emergency and elective are all the same but it's total bullshit. It's just a job protection racket (I had a bad experience with midwives trying to push me into a 'natural' birth with a breech baby, and for what? Women hating the lot of them!

Don't be afraid of an ELCS. It was a great choice for me, and many others.

Mangoandbroccoli · 04/10/2021 18:25

I've had two full term, very different vaginal deliveries and can honestly say they were the most incredible experiences of my life. First involved 2 days of labour, an induction and epidural. The epidural was what I needed to take away the pain and exhaustion and allowed me to regain control. The second was 2 days of labour and a drug free delivery where I felt completely in control throughout (well, mostly 😂) and I much preferred being able to feel everything. Yes it was challenging at times but I felt like an absolute warrior! Both positive experiences were attributed to hypnobirthing and a great birthing partner. It doesn't need to be all the hippy bits if you're not in to that, but just understanding what your body is doing and why makes a massive difference. I didn't exactly have speedy straight forward deliveries yet still think of them so positively and would do it again in a heartbeat. In fact I'd take childbirth over the sleep deprivation of the first year any day 😂

SmellyOldOwls · 04/10/2021 18:29

@nahnahna

I had three vaginal births, I think you can't underestimate the value of the moment taking you over ! Honestly I was so unprepared mentally for mine, I just went with it and perhaps that can help.

Gas and air is wonderful btw

I've had two C sections and I'll have a vaginal birth now, gutted I've never been able to experience this!

SmellyOldOwls · 04/10/2021 18:29

Never have a vaginal birth that should read.

cjpark · 04/10/2021 18:32

I had 2 full term vaginal deliveries too. It honestly wasn't as bad as gallstones! I tried and stayed as active as possible and stay at home as long as possible. Paracetamol and baths helped so that by the time I went to hospital I was 7cm dilated.

Gas and air for the crowning and home again within 6 hours. I think not being afraid is massively empowering - labour will happen, it will hurt but you will be safe and have a baby at the end of it.

PhillMcCann · 04/10/2021 18:38

If you've experienced contractions op you've done the worst bit ime.

The actual birth and pushing wasn't nearly as bad as the contractions for all 3 of mine. You also have the additional motivation of knowing it's the last hurdle and nearly over.

emmylousings · 04/10/2021 18:39

Loads of gas and air, have someone with you who you would be happy to wipe your arse if need be. I have had two vaginal births, little tearing, healed up quickly, much quicker than a section would have taken. Up and about the next day. Just get into the zone, have whatever drugs you fancy. Your body can usually do it, and despite there being 'no medal' you will feel proud as punch. It's also much better for your baby's health, they pick up important gut flora on the way out.

ChickPeaSalad · 04/10/2021 18:39

@thepeopleversuswork

This isn’t going to be popular but my recommendation would be to swerve the “positive birth” rhetoric as far as you can.

This sort of thing sets women up for failure.

Birth is scary and difficult. But you and your baby will be OK.

But none of the woo around positive thinking, none of the yoga, the breathing, the soundtracks, make any difference.

If you go in with your eyes and your mind open you will do far better that listen to - or God forbid pay for - any nonsense about birth being “empowering”.

I agree with this 100%. It’s often pushed as a way to try and get women to spend money on things like videos about breathing techniques which can be learned in minutes with a YouTube video. It’s also pushed because it means a birth costs less if you have fewer interventions.

With no other medical procedure would people be encouraged to try and cope with it without pain relief, encouraged to listen to a CD to get through it, told to visualise waves to cope with the pain.

I’ve noticed that people who’ve had births without intervention (including pain relief, which is an intervention) often speak about it without referencing the role luck plays in your birth. If you’ve been able to birth your baby relatively quickly and without pain relief then great, that’s one way to do it, but that wasn’t because you learned yoga or breathing techniques. It was because you were one of the percentage of people whose bodies and babies cooperate in such a way that that kind of birth was safe and doable. For a number of women it doesn’t matter what you do, you will either require intervention/pain relief or there’ll be a tragic outcome.

In my line of work I speak to so many women who feel shame and guilt and embarrassment for their birth not having gone the way they wanted it to or were led to believe they could influence into happening. Quite literally nobody had ever told them birth involves a degree of randomness and it’s very little to do with what you do. If you prepare and have a straightforward birth it’s tempting to believe that your preparation caused that outcome.

It’s terrifying when you realise that you’re going to go through something that is essentially happening to you, that you have no real control over, that comes with risks and is usually extraordinarily painful. Makes you feel better to believe you have some control over that, that’s human nature.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/10/2021 18:41

Not a fan myself. There is nothing better than an epidural. Had I not had one I dread to think how much it would have hurt, I was stitched from ear to ear and had ve²ntouse, forceps the lot.

Xmassprout · 04/10/2021 18:41

I've given birth twice and both were unassisted vaginal deliveries with just gas and air. I didn't tear either time and had no complications. One birth was in a birthing pool and the other on a bed hooked up to the tracing machine.

If you're terrified of vaginal birth or complications from a vaginal birth, would it be better to opt for an elective section? Unfortunately nothing is risk free, and as you say the not knowing is really hard. You've just got to do what you think will be best for you

Feelslikealot · 04/10/2021 18:42

You're right you don't know what you're going to get with a vaginal birth. You could end up with a straightforward birth, or you could end up with a stage 4 tear and lifelong incontinence. With an ELCS the risks are very predictable. It's controlled and it's safer. If i had any more children (after my ELCS) no way would i opt for a vaginal birth. The risks are too high. The medical profession's idea of a good vaginal birth is one where mum and baby are alive. Birth injuries to either party don't really come into it.

If you do try vbac, then make sure you have a plan of what you want to happen if for eg the baby gets stuck and at what point you'll go for csec. Do your research before you decide. Look into how different interventions can impact on you and the baby ie the risks involved with induction in case that becomes necessary.

Society sells you childbirth as an "experience". It's still one of the most dangerous thing a woman can go through. Don't feel you're missing out if you don't get the experience society tells you you should have. That way lies madness!

Feelslikealot · 04/10/2021 18:45

ChickPeaSalad

Read her post again. That was brilliantly put.

Feelslikealot · 04/10/2021 18:47

Gas and air for the crowning and home again within 6 hours. I think not being afraid is massively empowering - labour will happen, it will hurt but you will be safe and have a baby at the end of it.

This kind of comment can be incredibly harmful but actually I'm really pleased - for you that you've never experienced what can go wrong with a vaginal birth.

A woman won't necessarily be safe, and not all women take their baby home. Birth is incredibly dangerous and op needs to do her research with her eyes open as to the risks involved in all her options.

Lex345 · 04/10/2021 18:48

3 vaginal births for me-and although the last one was 11 years ago so the rose tint glasses are probably on a bit now, they were painful but manageable. I had 2 inductions (first pessary, second drip) and one almost 3 weeks overdue but natural labour.
Best advice I could give is listen to your body, don't suffer any pain you cannot handle, there is no medal for going without pain relief, gas and air is great imo.
I remember after each birth being terrified to poo though!

apalledandshocked · 04/10/2021 18:51

I can second what others said about the most painful bit of childbirth being the contractions. I don't want to be crude but if you think about the size of your vagina compared to your cervix (normally a pin prick) then its not that surprising - its just that you cant see the cervix dilating, you just feel it. And you went through that with the first birth.

I didn't have any pain relief during labour (not through choice, long story) except a tens machine and though the build up was excruciating, the pushing part was absolutely fine, in fact it was a relief to finally get to that stage.

namechangedaily · 04/10/2021 18:56

My first birth was long but not horrendous. I had contractions for 25 hours from start to finish but they were only really bad in the last couple of hours. I ended up having the ventouse and I think I was cut and needed stitches.
I had a baby 2 weeks ago and I was so scared of labour I had months on end having panic attacks about it.
My waters broke and no contractions started so they wanted to induce me and we spent all day at hospital trying to convince me to let them start the induction. In the end they just had to break the remaining of my waters and labour started naturally.. 47 minutes later she was born! I just had gas and air, no stitches. I'd had really bad constipation during pregnancy and I'd genuinely spent longer straining to poo than I did pushing her out!! x

apalledandshocked · 04/10/2021 18:56

I will add though, as others have, that absolutely have pain relief, and if you would prefer an ELCS then have that!!!

SudokuWillNotSaveYou · 04/10/2021 19:01

I understand asking for positive stories but here’s the thing and it’s SO important:

The majority of stories are “positive” and we’ll never hear them. There are more and more papers that think the internet and specifically boards like MN play a big role in developing tokophobia (fear of pregnancy and childbirth) because women are often sharing horror stories, BUT it’s while they’re reaching for support (something these papers don’t seem to take into account - it’s not sharing horror stories for fun). These women desperately NEED a place to go when things don’t work out perfectly, or go wrong, or go REALLY wrong, and they need the support of other women. And MN is great for that. But it doesn’t mean they represent the majority of births. Statistics just don’t bear that out.

If your birth is “textbook,” and by that I mean, vaginal, use of just what we consider normal pain relief (gas and air, pethidine, maybe even an epidural), a graze or a first degree tear which heals naturally without stitches, which means less stitches than a c-section… women don’t usually come on here to talk about it at length.

Maybe you’ve been scared because you read something that said 85% of women experience a tear during first childbirth in the UK. But like I said, the statistics say most will be first degree tears that heal naturally. About 33% of women may need stitches and 3 in 100 will have a more severe tear. But you’re bound to hear more about when things go wrong, like with anything.

As other posters said, yes, there is a HUGE amount of luck involved in the kind of birth you get, so whatever happens, the best birth is one in which you don’t pressure yourself and you don’t feel like a failure no matter what happens. As long as the baby is born without the help of 10 little green men from Mars, it’s a natural birth, even if it’s a C-section.

jezzy56 · 04/10/2021 19:04

Thank you some really thought provoking responses both for and against!

The pain is scary but I know I could manage that. It's the risk of complications and lifelong issues they frighten me most. Especially the thought of incontinence issues as I already have serious anxiety surrounding urgency.

If I knew for certain it would all go smoothly I would opt for a vaginal birth every time but I'm just so scared that my body can't or won't do it after having a c section before.

OP posts: