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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to question a man’s character based on the type of woman he’s married to?

133 replies

PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 00:50

There are these two women I know personally and I know for a fact they are not nice people. I don’t know their husbands personally but I’m questioning the character of a man who willingly marries someone who is rude/mean to people for no reason at all. Like what kind of man are you? Not just that on social media they (the women I know) post endless social justice-y stuff that I know in real life they don’t actually live according to.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 10:09

I always felt differently about Kelsey Grammar when his wife was on American Housewives. But I'd been seeing him as Frasier Crane.

Frasier was once married to Lilith...

What was his wife like on American Housewives?

GoOnDoAnASEyeroll · 03/10/2021 10:11

Because the people you choose to spend your life with reveals a LOT about your own character and what you value. If someone is married to a racist, you can be certain that they themselves are racist too, because people marry people they share morals, values and overall character with.

Agree with this too, though I'd say some people don't realise till later in the marriage. It's only bad if they continue to stay with the person who's obviously despicable.

The only justification for it will be that they can't get away but they want to.

the80sweregreat · 03/10/2021 10:16

Sometimes you really do not know what someone is like until you live with them.
They may have been nice to hook in their partner then show their true colours once they got what they wanted!

Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 10:25

Thank you @GoOnDoAnASEyeroll and @Meripenopause Smile
I feel like you and a some other posters on this thread really understand where I am coming from.

OP posts:
TheGrumpyGoat · 03/10/2021 10:30

I love it when OP’s only acknowledge the posters who agree with them and don’t address any other points raised Grin

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 10:40

@PostingOnMN

Thank you *@GoOnDoAnASEyeroll and @Meripenopause* Smile I feel like you and a some other posters on this thread really understand where I am coming from.
So it is not possible to understand you and yet disagree with you?

And you think that quote from earlier isn't true?

Suitcaseseverywhere · 03/10/2021 10:41

@TheGrumpyGoat

I love it when OP’s only acknowledge the posters who agree with them and don’t address any other points raised Grin
😁 I was about to post this.

So, op, my ex is an utterly abhorrent person. I left him.

So I’m ok as a person now, but was a wanker when I was married?

Or is it more likely that he masked and it took me time to realise, realise it was him not me, and then to leave?

TolpuddleFarter · 03/10/2021 10:42

I know a couple where the woman is fairly unpleasant (and would be hard work to live with.) She is considerably better looking than him. I think he's chosen her for arm candy reasons. I don't judge, but you do have to be careful what you wish for sometimes.

the80sweregreat · 03/10/2021 10:45

My brother is a nice person but his wife is awful. I'm not sure how he puts up with her to be honest !

TheGrumpyGoat · 03/10/2021 11:00

Thinking about it, I don’t actually know any truly vile women. There are of course people I know who I don’t personally like, but that’s usually just due to us having personalities than don’t gel, or there is a particular aspect of their character that I don’t warm to. They all have their good points though. So I’ve never judged a man for being married to a truly awful woman, because I don’t know any truly awful women. Maybe I’m just lucky.
Also, we have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. People can be completely different at home compared to their public persona. I don’t know.

GoOnDoAnASEyeroll · 03/10/2021 11:01

Or is it more likely that he masked and it took me time to realise, realise it was him not me, and then to leave?

I think this is what OP is saying. That you realised and left is a positive thing and different from those who realise and don't leave (assuming that they can leave). Those who willingly stay are either cut from the same cloth or don't see it as a problem, which is essentially the same.

I believe OP is saying if you (man or woman) willingly stay with a known wanker/racist/abuser/murderer, etc, then you can't be all that opposed to it yourself.

Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 11:05

@GoOnDoAnASEyeroll

Or is it more likely that he masked and it took me time to realise, realise it was him not me, and then to leave?

I think this is what OP is saying. That you realised and left is a positive thing and different from those who realise and don't leave (assuming that they can leave). Those who willingly stay are either cut from the same cloth or don't see it as a problem, which is essentially the same.

I believe OP is saying if you (man or woman) willingly stay with a known wanker/racist/abuser/murderer, etc, then you can't be all that opposed to it yourself.

That’s exactly what I was trying to say. Thanks for writing it properly for me. Smile
OP posts:
Suitcaseseverywhere · 03/10/2021 11:06

But it’s not always possible to just leave and it takes a lot of time and emotional energy.

TheGrumpyGoat · 03/10/2021 11:07

@PostingOnMN are these women known racists or murderers? Or do you just not like them?

GoOnDoAnASEyeroll · 03/10/2021 11:16

@Suitcaseseverywhere

But it’s not always possible to just leave and it takes a lot of time and emotional energy.
That's the thing we've said. For some, they can't leave due to circumstances beyond their control. That is different from those who "can't" leave because they can't be arsed or don't see it as a big deal.

I don't think OP is saying they must leave - it's up to them. Just that if they aren't leaving because of the latter, then it says something about them.

Best to call a spade a spade.

GoOnDoAnASEyeroll · 03/10/2021 11:17

@PostingOnMN Smile No worries.

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 11:24

@GoOnDoAnASEyeroll

Or is it more likely that he masked and it took me time to realise, realise it was him not me, and then to leave?

I think this is what OP is saying. That you realised and left is a positive thing and different from those who realise and don't leave (assuming that they can leave). Those who willingly stay are either cut from the same cloth or don't see it as a problem, which is essentially the same.

I believe OP is saying if you (man or woman) willingly stay with a known wanker/racist/abuser/murderer, etc, then you can't be all that opposed to it yourself.

This is an incredibly simplistic and binary view of abusive relationships, especially ones with violent men.
Conair · 03/10/2021 11:25

People have different perceptions of others, few people can be liked by everyone.
Some people can appear rude to some but are loved by others.
It is just your opinion on one person who is as flawed and complex as us all and with issues that you may never know about.
No one is perfect and everyone can be loved, most people can be good and bad so don't be so judgmental about someone who in your opinion is horrible but who others think the world of.
A bit of a one sided and clouded vision- Worry about your own life/ relationships.

TheGrumpyGoat · 03/10/2021 11:29

This is an incredibly simplistic and binary view of abusive relationships, especially ones with violent men

Exactly this. There is only one person I know who I really, truly dislike and that is my friend’s husband. The reason I dislike him so much is because of how he treats my friend. He is utterly charming to the outside world. I can’t judge her for remaining married to an absolute prick, because his awful traits (belittling her, making her feel worthless etc) are precisely the reason she is still married to him. He has eroded all her confidence.
But would that example not count because he’s nice to people other than his wife?

GoOnDoAnASEyeroll · 03/10/2021 11:31

This is an incredibly simplistic and binary view of abusive relationships, especially ones with violent men.

Only if you think so.

You seem to have missed where I've repeatedly said 'if they can' because I know it isn't that simple/easy. I grew up in one and I was married into one too. I think I have some idea of what I'm saying.

Also, this isn't only about abusive or violent relationships. OP's question was quite a simple one that's been turned into something deeper.

TheGrumpyGoat · 03/10/2021 11:33

@GoOnDoAnASEyeroll

This is an incredibly simplistic and binary view of abusive relationships, especially ones with violent men.

Only if you think so.

You seem to have missed where I've repeatedly said 'if they can' because I know it isn't that simple/easy. I grew up in one and I was married into one too. I think I have some idea of what I'm saying.

Also, this isn't only about abusive or violent relationships. OP's question was quite a simple one that's been turned into something deeper.

Yes… the OP’s question seems to be more along the lines of ‘if I don’t like someone, does that mean I should automatically dislike their partner too?’.
DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 11:35

@GoOnDoAnASEyeroll

This is an incredibly simplistic and binary view of abusive relationships, especially ones with violent men.

Only if you think so.

You seem to have missed where I've repeatedly said 'if they can' because I know it isn't that simple/easy. I grew up in one and I was married into one too. I think I have some idea of what I'm saying.

Also, this isn't only about abusive or violent relationships. OP's question was quite a simple one that's been turned into something deeper.

The entire definition of "if they can" is exactly what problematises it. Anyone CAN take the kids and walk into a police station....
GoOnDoAnASEyeroll · 03/10/2021 11:36

You're making it into something simple now. If they can means if the circumstances allow. I've also mentioned this in my posts. No, not everyone can.

DrSbaitso · 03/10/2021 11:37

@GoOnDoAnASEyeroll

You're making it into something simple now. If they can means if the circumstances allow. I've also mentioned this in my posts. No, not everyone can.
No, I'm explaining why "if they can" in the context of an abusive or violent relationship ISN'T simple at all. Anyone CAN walk out, if they're not chained to the radiator or something, so what do you mean by "if they can"?
Suitcaseseverywhere · 03/10/2021 11:38

What @DrSbaitso said 100%