Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to question a man’s character based on the type of woman he’s married to?

133 replies

PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 00:50

There are these two women I know personally and I know for a fact they are not nice people. I don’t know their husbands personally but I’m questioning the character of a man who willingly marries someone who is rude/mean to people for no reason at all. Like what kind of man are you? Not just that on social media they (the women I know) post endless social justice-y stuff that I know in real life they don’t actually live according to.

OP posts:
Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 00:51

For the vote: YABU to judge a man based on who he’s married to. Or YANBU I also judge people’s character based on who they married.

OP posts:
MurielSpriggs · 03/10/2021 00:55

Your question is bizarre, but if you rephrase it as: can you tell something about a person from what their spouse is like? Then yes.

steff13 · 03/10/2021 00:57

Why are you in a position to be judging their husbands' character?

Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 00:59

@MurielSpriggs

Your question is bizarre, but if you rephrase it as: can you tell something about a person from what their spouse is like? Then yes.
I meant the question exactly as it it written. Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 01:02

@steff13

Why are you in a position to be judging their husbands' character?
Because I can. Smile
OP posts:
EmergencyHydrangea · 03/10/2021 01:04

Well a lot of really nice women i know are married to absolute arseholes so I don't see why it couldn't work the other way round

NatriumChloride · 03/10/2021 01:05

This is a weird thread. Are these women genuinely rude and horrible to everybody, or is it just towards you?

Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 01:07

@NatriumChloride

This is a weird thread. Are these women genuinely rude and horrible to everybody, or is it just towards you?
Does it make a difference?
OP posts:
Holskey · 03/10/2021 01:10

I think they probably know the women better, and even if they're arseholes, they probably have something loveable about them. Agree with PP: nice women marry arseholes too.

steff13 · 03/10/2021 01:12

I think they probably know their spouses better than you do. Maybe they're not nice, maybe there's more to them than you know. 🤷‍♀️

steff13 · 03/10/2021 01:14

Does it make a difference.

Sure it does. “If you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you're the asshole.”

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2021 01:16

Why do you want to judge additional hangers on? Is it a hobby?

Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 01:17

@steff13

Does it make a difference.

Sure it does. “If you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you're the asshole.”

Cool Smile
OP posts:
Seafog · 03/10/2021 01:18

Just because someone is sometimes rude or mean doesn't mean they don't deserve to be loved too. We all have flawsWink

themidnighttrain · 03/10/2021 01:21

Like many people, I have a shitty ex. I'd hate to be judged by his standards. :(

We don't all wake up overnight and decide to leave a bad relationship with a bad person. It takes time. If someone had been judging me for being in a relationship at the end of it when I was desperately unhappy and trying to find a way out, that would really have been kicking someone when she was down...

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2021 01:22

Like many people, I have a shitty ex. I'd hate to be judged by his standards. :(

Good point. ExH is a twat.

Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 01:33

@steff13

Does it make a difference.

Sure it does. “If you meet an asshole in the morning, you met an asshole. If you meet assholes all day, you're the asshole.”

That quote is not true btw. It’s perfectly possible to meet many nasty/rude people in one day without being one yourself. Smile
OP posts:
lilmishap · 03/10/2021 01:33

So you don't know if these Two men are miserable in their marriages then?

What's your Husbands character like? What do you say about him?

steff13 · 03/10/2021 01:58

That quote is not true btw. It’s perfectly possible to meet many nasty/rude people in one day without being one yourself.

Perhaps not always, but fairly often.

Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 02:02

@steff13

That quote is not true btw. It’s perfectly possible to meet many nasty/rude people in one day without being one yourself.

Perhaps not always, but fairly often.

Hmm… I personally have never known a situation when that quote was true. Smile
OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 03/10/2021 02:32

I can't understand why you don't judge the men's character based on... Their character.

And judge the women based on their character.

I've know loads of men at work who were misogynist fuckers.

Some going to strip clubs when working late, prostitutes to rooms at Xmas party.

I doubt they let their wives know what they were like and up to.

I should judge their wives then?

I feel for them personally.

Original poster
PostingOnMN · 03/10/2021 02:41

@NiceGerbil

I can't understand why you don't judge the men's character based on... Their character.

And judge the women based on their character.

I've know loads of men at work who were misogynist fuckers.

Some going to strip clubs when working late, prostitutes to rooms at Xmas party.

I doubt they let their wives know what they were like and up to.

I should judge their wives then?

I feel for them personally.

Because the people you choose to spend your life with reveals a LOT about your own character and what you value. If someone is married to a racist, you can be certain that they themselves are racist too, because people marry people they share morals, values and overall character with.
OP posts:
Nancydrawn · 03/10/2021 02:42

People don't always treat their spouses the same way they treat others. Sometimes they are awful to partners and seem kind and lovely to the outside world. Sometimes they are lovely to their partners but can be jackasses in the world.

Sometimes spouses know about this flip. Sometimes they don't.

If someone is sitting there while their spouse is being dreadful and is silent, I suppose they are somewhat complicit.

But no, I tend to think people remain individuals even whilst married, and the actions of one do not necessarily redound or discredit the other.

NiceGerbil · 03/10/2021 02:48

OP your view is that the wives/ partners of these men. Often at home with young kids.

Married them knowing that they said nasty things at work to or around female colleagues. And that they enjoyed going to strip clubs and paying for sex.

And that because they married them. They share his view that it's fun to say things that are really grim in front of women at work, with the aim of shocking/ upsetting/ putting them in their place.

And that they held the view that there's zero problem with going to strip clubs/ paying for sex. And don't mind at all. In fact, they approve.

Really? Really really?

Why did they always lie about what they were up to then? To their other halves?

NiceGerbil · 03/10/2021 02:51

I honestly find it baffling to judge one person on the character of someone else. Even their partner.

When men kill their children. Do you think oho she needs to be looked into. Must have murderous inclinations.

Ditto any other crimes?

Your approach is very strange.