to question a man’s character based on the type of woman he’s married to?

[PostingOnMN]

There are these two women I know personally and I know for a fact they are not nice people. I don’t know their husbands personally but I’m questioning the character of a man who willingly marries someone who is rude/mean to people for no reason at all. Like what kind of man are you? Not just that on social media they (the women I know) post endless social justice-y stuff that I know in real life they don’t actually live according to.

@PostingOnMN

There are these two women I know personally and I know for a fact they are not nice people. I don’t know their husbands personally but I’m questioning the character of a man who willingly marries someone who is rude/mean to people for no reason at all. Like what kind of man are you? Not just that on social media they (the women I know) post endless social justice-y stuff that I know in real life they don’t actually live according to.

Is this a reverse?

A lot of people are nice when they marry, but life grinds them down and they change.

YABU because she might be controlling and abusive and he may be a victim.

I really don't think you can.

You get your givers and your takers and like magnets they are drawn to each other.

That maybe too simplistic but unfortunately people who internalise blame often end up with people who project blame outwards. So that both of the couple are ''comfortable'' blaming the same person for everybody. The one who internalises isn't happy but puts up with it due to fear / low self worth.

You also get extraverts and introverts together. One of my neighbours is so friendly he cuts the grass in the front gardens of about four of his neighbours and his wife would not even say hello back if you passed her on the streeet. (i've tried!)

But I wouldn't read anything in to that, who is the ''nice'' one or if that says anything about his character. No.

We need more information OP

Ending your posts with a smiley emoticon is very like meaningless sjw posts on FB. You really aren't coming across well. My prediction is your seeing or thinking about seeing a married man and fixating on his wife????

Another thought, a relative in my extended family has been vile to me. But I don't for a minute think that her husband knows this! If she's told him anything she hasn't framed it how I see it which is that she's given me the silent treatment for over 18 months (I think) for no reason at all, even before then she fawned over everybody else in an obsequious way. I was just a bit wary, assessing, and for that I was iced. I'm like a ghost to her. But it's in such an OTT way that I'm clearly INSIDE her head.

If she tells her husband anything it's probably Joy wasn't all over me admiring me so she hates me poor me.

So the idea that spouses know how awful their other half has behaved to other people is not realistic. They don't know.

OP are they very attractive women? Some men will still want an attractive woman even if she’s bitchy or brainless. To be fair some women prioritise looks over everything else too.

* Because the people you choose to spend your life with reveals a LOT about your own character and what you value. If someone is married to a racist, you can be certain that they themselves are racist too, because people marry people they share morals, values and overall character with.*

^I completely agree with this.

@CounsellorTroi

OP are they very attractive women? Some men will still want an attractive woman even if she’s bitchy or brainless. To be fair some women prioritise looks over everything else too.

Actually speaking very generally that is something that TELLS you a lot about a man, if he is more intelligent than his more attractive wife. It tells you that external validation matters to him more than compatibility. That's not a judgement, because if it works it works, but yeh, why does it work, how does it work? That depends on what matters to people and it could be a case of needing that external validation. My Wife Is GORGEOUS. MY HUSBAND can afford this house and cars.

I've wondered this before too.

I worked with a lady for 9 years, she was the meanest, scariest person I've ever met.

So rude, controlling. You couldn't ask a question or do anything without her biting your head off, whether your position was below her, equal or even above.

Just an utter twat

However, her boyfriend was the nicest, most gentle and fun person ever. I really liked him!

I often wondered why he was with her.

Not to derail the thread, but one of my brothers remarked on the suitability of a man for his daughter by saying: The dog likes him, and they're good judges of character.

*But I never judged him as he's so nice

Married people don’t always share the values, some do, some may, some do not.
Therefore it is much more reliable to judge someone based on their own behaviour and not that of their husband, wife, friend or family.
You seem quite invested in understanding so perhaps you really know this already?? Have the women in question hurt you and you are trying to work it all out?

@echt

Not to derail the thread, but one of my brothers remarked on the suitability of a man for his daughter by saying: The dog likes him, and they're good judges of character.

Ha ha! A good start!

People can be blinded by lust, or they can be looking for certain qualities in a person and turna blind eye to the rest (very common) or, they might be passive or masochistic and get a kick out of being married to a bully. Some people feel special if their spouse is horrific to the rest of the world but nice to them.

People are complex.

@NCkitchen

I've wondered this before too.

I worked with a lady for 9 years, she was the meanest, scariest person I've ever met.

So rude, controlling. You couldn't ask a question or do anything without her biting your head off, whether your position was below her, equal or even above.

Just an utter twat

However, her boyfriend was the nicest, most gentle and fun person ever. I really liked him!

I often wondered why he was with her.

I knew someone like this. She was negative all the time and a real bully. She reduced everyone to tears. Her fiance was gentle and calm and handsome. I later heard they split up and was glad he had such a lucky escape.

I wasn't married to him but my last bf, we had a great relationship until the ''values'' ground in to both of us began to conflict against each other. I am a saver. He was not. He drank every day. I wanted to limit it. But that's my take. He might say ''I was relaxed, she was not''. 'she worries too much. I don't''
So its not about GOOD character and bad character.

I do think it's an interesting question though. Would like to know what the actual situation is though!! If you haven't met these men, is there any reason you feel that their wives are reflecting on them? Like, if there were two foolish vapid married women in my office but I'd never met their husbands, I wouldn't feel any interest in their husbands' characters.

Would love to know why you're wondering in this situaiton.

It's an interesting question.

But when someone asks on here, "Can I be in a relationship with someone whose political views are completely opposite to mine?" there's a substantial number who say, "of course you can you bigot". Not sure I could personally.

I second the suggestion that you are justifying potentially chasing after a married man on the grounds that his wife is a horrible person?

Yes, people are complex, my father's mother died when he was a child and he is my mother's foot soldier. She was one of about 10 kids and she seems to like that he is her back up. Together they are a functioning person.

Are we saying that the partner of a murderer is just the same as the murderer then in terms of thoughts, personalities, values? Often the murderer has a completely different persona at home, and to a lesser extant I think we might all behave differently in certain situations/relationships.

@mathanxiety

If someone is married to a racist, you can be certain that they themselves are racist too, because people marry people they share morals, values and overall character with.

Really?

I don't agree with you at all.

Many people think they know the person they are marrying but are gravely mistaken. Hence the high divorce rate, and those who stay married are often stuck with very few options but to wait it out.

Totally agree with this. OP your premise is unhinged.

I think you ca wonder why their partner is with them? Why their partner can't see how awful a person they present to others

I suspect the answer will be one of 4 things-

1- spouse/ partner is unaware- as they behave differently to wife/ spouse so they don't see it

2- they are abusive/ were nice at start and spouse/ partner is only starting to see it / feels they can't leave marriage/ as have DCs together

3- spouse/ partner doesn't care about this side as it's aimed at others not them/ they have other nice qualities - ie accepts person's flaws as they have other great qualities too- love the person not all their sides

4- spouse/ partner share same values attitudes and can also be horrid

@echt

Not to derail the thread, but one of my brothers remarked on the suitability of a man for his daughter by saying: The dog likes him, and they're good judges of character.

Well I imagine Hitler’s dog liked him!😆

I suspect most falls under 1

Love can be blind
Spouse can get an inkling that the person can be a bit difficult to others but not know full extent and later be shocked to find out.

People who are unpleasant yet don't lose their jobs, can be good at manipulating others - so it looks like others being difficult not them- or playing things down.