to question a man’s character based on the type of woman he’s married to?

[PostingOnMN]

There are these two women I know personally and I know for a fact they are not nice people. I don’t know their husbands personally but I’m questioning the character of a man who willingly marries someone who is rude/mean to people for no reason at all. Like what kind of man are you? Not just that on social media they (the women I know) post endless social justice-y stuff that I know in real life they don’t actually live according to.

Some people choose to wear all kinds of masks with different people. Sometimes even people who have been together for years may not truly know their partner.

I wouldn't question a persons character based on the character of their partner. Just like I wouldn't assume they shared the same attitudes or beliefs about something.

It would be quite challenging particularly if a persons partner was really vile and was a bigot. Some people do change over the course of a relationship or hide there true self. I had a lovely friend who was married to a pig of a man but she was too scared to leave him. He was emotionally abusive and a very nasty person, of course he wasn't like that to begin with - if he was I doubt she would have married him. They moved away and I sadly lost touch with her years ago. She was not a bigot and did not share the same horrible opinions of her husband.

I would judge someone if they remained in a mutually supportive relationship with someone who had committed an awful crime though. Some people are just too terrified to leave a person after being conditioned to live in fear after sustained abuse. However to proactively support a partner who has done something terrible when you are in a non abusive relationship is quite different entirely.

Umm yeah it's weird to assume that because you consider someone to be horrible, that they must be inherently bad and that their partners are some kind of weirdos for marrying them?

It has never occured to me to judge anyone's character by what their spouse is like.

I base my opinions on the person's own character.

If anything. What their close friends are like would be a better indication.

DH likes painting miniature figures of orcs and trolls etc.

Judge away

He also drives very slowly, leaves his socks lying around, and loves nothing more than having a baby in his arms to cuddle.

I drive too fast, dislike him leaving socks around, and have no desire to cuddle babies if there is one available.

Funny old world isn't it.

@SunburstsOrMarbleHalls

Some people choose to wear all kinds of masks with different people. Sometimes even people who have been together for years may not truly know their partner.

I wouldn't question a persons character based on the character of their partner. Just like I wouldn't assume they shared the same attitudes or beliefs about something.

It would be quite challenging particularly if a persons partner was really vile and was a bigot. Some people do change over the course of a relationship or hide there true self. I had a lovely friend who was married to a pig of a man but she was too scared to leave him. He was emotionally abusive and a very nasty person, of course he wasn't like that to begin with - if he was I doubt she would have married him. They moved away and I sadly lost touch with her years ago. She was not a bigot and did not share the same horrible opinions of her husband.

I would judge someone if they remained in a mutually supportive relationship with someone who had committed an awful crime though. Some people are just too terrified to leave a person after being conditioned to live in fear after sustained abuse. However to proactively support a partner who has done something terrible when you are in a non abusive relationship is quite different entirely.

Exactly this and the situation of your friend. A lot of people aren't in a situation where they can leave. If you don't have a support network, and you have kids, you could be in real trouble if you leave someone like that. I also think a lot of women pretend to accept behaviour while they are with their partner to keep the peace. It's not worth it to then go home and deal with the fall out.

So your partner is probably a dick because they’re married to someone very judgemental?

And anyone who has been in an abusive relationship is abusive by association? No, that’s a stupid way to think. If you’ve met the husbands and they are rude then judge them because they are rude.

I think I get what you mean. My BIL's wife is all over SM praising her god, rabbiting on about helping others and being kind, BUT when we asked BIL to take care of DD when we had no childcare and our DS was in hospital he said no because she wanted him to go out with her friends. Not only was my DH hurt by this, but he had to sneak DD into hospital just so I could get a break and have a wee.. It was a real eye opener and I guess I'd misjudged her on the persona she was portraying on SM. I've zero time for her now but her marriage is her marriage and how they treat each other within the marriage i couldn't possibly say, all I know if that you sometimes can't take people at their word

Well OP, is your partner a judgmental soul who deploys smiley faces in lieu of critical thinking?

There’s a minority of cases in which you may be right, ime, but I agree with PPs about meeting asshole after asshole all day.

I’m honestly wondering why you feel the need to “question someone’s character”? That is just odd

Some people have a lot of time on their hands.

And rather than doing something constructive turn to curtain twitching, gossip and being judgemental.

It's a hobby though ..?

OPs DH must be deeply judgemental and lacking in insight, because despite people being arseholes the whole damned time, he can't see that the common thread to all those encounters is him. So deep in denial it's a smiley-face issue to him.

But that's going by your standards, OP. Taking a sample of behaviour - yours - from my interpretation of how you come across on the thread, and then extrapolating it to other people.

And that's why I think the whole concept is flawed.

I guess that I'm more likely to think 'he must be a saint to put up with that' than to assume he's a shit. Or to think 'she's probably not like that at home'.

And most likely at all never to think along those lines spontaneously at all it's this thread that got me wondering (briefly, in passing)

I seem to have been thinking of the question the other way round, e.g. I always admired Sarah Brown so thought Gordon Brown must be fundmentally a good man, or she wouldn't have married him.

No, I don’t think that’s fair. Lots of women are married to real arseholes and I don’t judge the women for the behaviour of their husbands. I just judge the husbands.

Besides, people don’t all interact with one another in the same way. These women might be rude to you, but they’re probably perfectly pleasant to their husbands. Their husbands might not have any idea they’re rude to other people.

Do you also judge women who are married to nasty violent men?

You can't judge someone's character based on their spouse.

Why are you only judging women based on this criteria?

My ex is an arsehole. So was I a dick when I was married to him but I’m not now?

I didn’t find out he was a dick until we’ll into the marriage by the way, or I wouldn’t have married him.

People mask and then it slips you know. Ex still masks to those he doesn’t really know. His current wife is kid having him drop it with her and she doesn’t understand what’s going on and why he’s changed towards her.

So what's your oh like op? Based of your comments here people must question his character regularly

If someone is married to a racist, you can be certain that they themselves are racist too, because people marry people they share morals, values and overall character with.

Really?

I don't agree with you at all.

Many people think they know the person they are marrying but are gravely mistaken. Hence the high divorce rate, and those who stay married are often stuck with very few options but to wait it out.

There are so many people on here trapped in relationships with arseholes who don’t seem to share their abusive tendencies. And on the news we see it - whether unaware of partners’ crimes or the victim of them. Clearly being with someone doesn’t mean you are the same as them or even know that much about them.

In fact I am a dick and my partner is completely unobjectionable. For some reason he can see past my dickishness. And most people consider him fairly saintly for this.

You make the mistake of thinking people choose where to love. And too frequently they don't.
You may be calm and shrewd but a lot of people aren't. Blaming them for their personalities is absurd.

I think people are much more influenced by their DPs. And the type of childhood home they had - it doesn't always mean they marry someone like their influential parent, it can sometimes mean they marry someone they think is the opposite of their influential parent. (note 'they think' because often the 'opposite' can turn out to be similar in many ways).

What a strange post. I don't know anyone who judges a person based on who they marry/live with, it's an odd thing to do. You seem to be someone who sees everything as black or white - there really are a lot of other shades in-between.

I used to work for a lovely lovely guy who was married to a complete bitch (both worked for the same organisation, I knew her before I knew him).

To be honest, I never understood the dynamic of their relationship, especially as she was as mean to him as she was to everyone else. I suspect they got together young, she is a relatively attractive woman, he is probably not a conventionally attractive man. She clearly has some mental health issues she is unleashing on the rest of the world. He sees a therapist, she doesn’t.

I would in no way judge him on her behaviour. But I do pity him.

No because people can be totally awful to others and then be lovely to their family and vice versa. There's people in the world who see me as the nicest ever and I'm sure there's many who think I'm not. You and these women could rub each other the wrong way. Actually I met the school bully of my childhood recently and she was lovely, chatty, attentive etc and her child was exemplary, saw a little boy fall and ran over to see if he was okay. I was stunned!!!