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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say yes then no ?

89 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2021 23:35

I've been good friends with someone I really do love and value for a few years although she is quite demanding as a friend , and quite needy / bossy

Recently this got worse as her marriage ended - her dh asked for divorce . She lives in a 2 million £ house , has cleaners , gardeners etc and doesn't work .
I rent a one bed place , work and am independent.
She asked me if I'd like to move in with her when she moves- she says I'll
Have own room , lounge and bathroom. She wants me to fund some renovations and says well both make money .
At first this sounded like the answer to my prayers - I'm in a rental . She said she would stay home and look after our pets , we'd split the bills so would keep the cleaner , have a great standard of living . I'd be secure new place has a pool , tons and tons of room . Large gardens . .

But the more I'm getting into this arrangement the more precarious it seems . She will be moving abroad as she has a home abroad - she wants me to fund renovations and then when we sell (she sells) well both make something from it . I aren't worried she would rip
Me off or anything like that . But she's needy , demanding, bossy and a drinker . She has a teenage girl who I do adore but I live alone now as both my kids are adult . I love my own space and being my own boss . She's determined this is happening despite when or if I say I have reservations and I've realised without someone else's money she couldn't maintain her standard of living,

We're both single but I've tried to broach the subject of what happens if we meet anyone?
What happens to me when she sells ?
What happens if I can't get a mortgage that's funds the renovations?

She dismisses it all . I'm sure we could live together happily if we do indeed have our own space but I'm getting cold feet and do t know how to
Broach this now because she tells me I'm being silly , being a witterer, a washer woman etc etc and that it will all be fine and to leave everything to her .

Am I being stupid and looking a gift horse in the mouth?
I do love her and I've said I will not put our friendship at risk . She says I'm being daft .

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 02/10/2021 23:38

Ah.
I wouldn't.

But if you do, thrash out details with a solicitor and get it in cast iron.

FWBNC · 02/10/2021 23:41

Just say 'I don't want to do this'

...stick to it. It'll be a living nightmare!!

Neveranynamesleft · 02/10/2021 23:41

Don't understand why she wants (or needs) you to fund renovations.

Teach234 · 02/10/2021 23:41

Don't do it

scarpa · 02/10/2021 23:42

So she wants you to fund (and presumably project manage, as she'll be off abroad) her renovation, so she can profit when she sells, and you'll have no legal claim on any of it?

Nah, absolutely not. If you weren't fussed about staying in your current rental/moving house, and you were both benefiting in that you'd manage her house renovations in exchange for getting to stay there til she sells, fine.

But you SHOULD NOT be paying for her house renovations unless she gets a legal contract drawn up and your name on the deeds of the house so you have a legal right to your investment in it.

Given that you're not even sure you can live with her, I'd give this a hundred-mile wide berth.

honeylulu · 02/10/2021 23:42

This sounds terrifying, not least because you seem to be sleepwalking into it!

So you live with her, prima facie, for free? But fund unspecified renovations for an unqualified sum? And you have to get a mortgage to do it (how, on what basis)?

I would be saying hell no unless I was 100% clear about the proposal and happy with it. That's before we get to her being needy and bossy!

Coronado2 · 02/10/2021 23:43

Would the house be fully on her name? If so I don't see how you could get a mortgage for the renovations?

I'd think very carefully about giving up your own space either way though.

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/10/2021 23:43

Have you considered a shared ownership? Even 5%

What figures are you talking about to pay for a renovation? Is there a limit to the fund? What if you can’t or don’t agree on these matters? What would you personally make on the deal? Who pays for buying and selling costs?

There’s a lot to this and I wouldn’t walk in blindly.

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2021 23:44

The renovations thing - I think she thought I'd feel better buying into the place and would make money so it's not all on her terms.

It Felt like a great idea to begin with it really did . And I'm often staying with her now - I do t know - I'm just so worried about what could go
Wrong.

OP posts:
scarpa · 02/10/2021 23:45

Also it's a very big red flag that when when say you have (reasonable) reservations about her (insane) idea, she resorts to calling you names.

Is this someone you want to trust with your financial stability? That you want to give up a proper, legal tenancy to live with when she could throw a hissy fit and kick you out at any time?

Do not do this!

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2021 23:48

She wouldn't ever throw me out - that much I'm certain on .

If we
Did this properly it could work . We both said we'd take financial advice.

But she is used to a standard of living that is well beyond most peoples means .
Her maintenance after the divorce wi t pay for that .
Our combined income would and afford us a fabulous standard of living.

OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2021 23:49

Oh and she's a brilliant property developer. I have no doubt that we could make some money .

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 02/10/2021 23:49

Never give up your independence. Stay with her as often as you like but keep your own home.

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2021 23:52

It would be shared ownership. I'd have Avery small % for the renovations. But I'd be buying in . That's the plan.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 02/10/2021 23:53

I would suggest at the very least renting somewhere together first as a trial with her name on the lease (as she can afford to cover it) and with you having a lodgers agreement (so she can’t kick you out with no notice).
But overall you seem to have most to lose. I’m wondering what is in it for her?? Is she seeking companionship? If so Id be wary that she might find another friend she likes better.
It wouldn’t be for me - I think there is too great an imbalance

ThreeLittleDots · 02/10/2021 23:55

It's all a bit vague, how will she look after your pets if she'll be living abroad? Is her teenage daughter going with her?

You do realise splitting the bills on this home will cost a great deal of money once heating a pool is taken into account?!

MoveOnTheCards · 02/10/2021 23:57

OMG you are totally being used as a key component of helping being able to keep her swanky lifestyle. I don’t know what benefit there is to you?

I would just keep my living arrangements to myself if I were you OP. Let her sort her own financial arrangements.

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2021 23:59

No she'll move abroad in a few years when the place is sold. We'd both walk away with some profit is the idea .

She will not be able to maintain her current lifestyle with her maintenance from her ex .

She will have enough cash to buy a fabulous home cash but then as she doesn't work she wi the able to
Run it which is where I'd come in - between us we could, and we could have a great standard of living with the cleaner still coming , the pool, we get along very well, we'd eat together I guess , we'd shop together , pool resources for running the place and have a rather nice life in theory .

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 03/10/2021 00:00

@scarpa

So she wants you to fund (and presumably project manage, as she'll be off abroad) her renovation, so she can profit when she sells, and you'll have no legal claim on any of it?

Nah, absolutely not. If you weren't fussed about staying in your current rental/moving house, and you were both benefiting in that you'd manage her house renovations in exchange for getting to stay there til she sells, fine.

But you SHOULD NOT be paying for her house renovations unless she gets a legal contract drawn up and your name on the deeds of the house so you have a legal right to your investment in it.

Given that you're not even sure you can live with her, I'd give this a hundred-mile wide berth.

This.
Notaroadrunner · 03/10/2021 00:00

As much as I like my friends I would never live with any of them. I wouldn't enter into such an arrangement as it could well end in tears and loss of your friendship.

MoveOnTheCards · 03/10/2021 00:02

“I guess” “in theory” says a lot. You need to do some hard thinking and get a lot agreed in concrete terms. Otherwise it all sound bullshit and you’ll come out with bollocks all.

This all sounds very one-sided to me and not at all in your favour.

Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2021 00:03

The benefit to me would be I'd be out of my insecure rental, living in a large detached home with my own rooms, company when we wanted , fabulous standard of living . I could never ever live in a house such as she is buying alone . Together we could run it easily , live a rather lovely lifestyle and both make money on modernising it and she would do it properly with me buying in etc .

OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2021 00:04

But .
The more real it gets the less I want to buy in.

OP posts:
Original poster
stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2021 00:05

I feel like whatever I do now it's
Goi g to hurt the friendship

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2021 00:08

This is the worst idea I've ever heard. It will turn into a disaster.