To say yes then no ?

[stillvicarinatutu]

I've been good friends with someone I really do love and value for a few years although she is quite demanding as a friend , and quite needy / bossy

Recently this got worse as her marriage ended - her dh asked for divorce . She lives in a 2 million £ house , has cleaners , gardeners etc and doesn't work .
I rent a one bed place , work and am independent.
She asked me if I'd like to move in with her when she moves- she says I'll
Have own room , lounge and bathroom. She wants me to fund some renovations and says well both make money .
At first this sounded like the answer to my prayers - I'm in a rental . She said she would stay home and look after our pets , we'd split the bills so would keep the cleaner , have a great standard of living . I'd be secure new place has a pool , tons and tons of room . Large gardens . .

But the more I'm getting into this arrangement the more precarious it seems . She will be moving abroad as she has a home abroad - she wants me to fund renovations and then when we sell (she sells) well both make something from it . I aren't worried she would rip
Me off or anything like that . But she's needy , demanding, bossy and a drinker . She has a teenage girl who I do adore but I live alone now as both my kids are adult . I love my own space and being my own boss . She's determined this is happening despite when or if I say I have reservations and I've realised without someone else's money she couldn't maintain her standard of living,

We're both single but I've tried to broach the subject of what happens if we meet anyone?
What happens to me when she sells ?
What happens if I can't get a mortgage that's funds the renovations?

She dismisses it all . I'm sure we could live together happily if we do indeed have our own space but I'm getting cold feet and do t know how to
Broach this now because she tells me I'm being silly , being a witterer, a washer woman etc etc and that it will all be fine and to leave everything to her .

Am I being stupid and looking a gift horse in the mouth?
I do love her and I've said I will not put our friendship at risk . She says I'm being daft .

I've tried to talk about my misgivings , my friend is now suggesting she put it in joint names from the off. This is difficult because at first it sounded fun and I got swept along but it's clear that this was her only plan in order to keep her nice lifestyle. I'm fairly sure even with the place in joint names , my own spaces etc I have misgivings about living with anyone . I've just got home to a silent , quiet , calm house and I like it more than I realised . This feels like it has so much potential to go wrong . She's back peddling on moving abroad , everything and I feel so awful about it .

Unless you buy the property jointly with her, then you won't get a mortgage to do the renovations. Is she offering to sell you a share of the property, or is she solely buying, but wants to to fix it up with no names on the deeds.

If the latter, don't do it, you may think she won't rip you off but no one knows what the future holds. She could boot you out the minute the work is done and you'd have little comeback from it

Don’t give up your independence to effectively be a lodger in someone else’s home/ renovation project.

Hi Friend,

I have decided that I can no longer go ahead with the renovations as planned.

All the best,

Then block and give yourself a breather for a few days/weeks/month.

I say go for it. You are not financially secure now if you are renting so you have nothing to lose and only able to gain with putting your money into property. Just make sure you have it all drawn up with a solicitor. It sounds like you will have a lovely place to live and she will be abroad a lot so you will have chance to have your own space.

Is she using you to prop her her immediate lifestyle?
What if she tires of it and she decides to sell? Where will that leave you?

Solid legal advice is what you need... just hope that your friend agrees to this!

I cannot imagine how you would get a mortgage as you wouldn't have the collateral the bank would need. Let's say she buys a 800k house and you apply for a mortgage for renos of, say, 50k, what security can you offer the bank? It is extremely naive for her to say she would buy the house in joint names considering the tiny fraction of equity you could contribute. Her solicitor would caution her against that.
How old are you both?
Why doesn't she just buy a nice house that doesn't need renovation, have you there as a tenant and flog it off (at a likely profit) when she is ready to move overseas?
Like everyone else here, I think this plan (fantasy) is a disaster in waiting.

This is mental.
I can't believe anyone would sign up for this.

Oh this doesn’t sound great.

Look I can see where it sounds like a good idea in the ‘what if’ stage, but I feel like it’s going to fall apart in the ‘oh shit this is happening’ stage.

First and foremost this is a big financial risk for you. What would plan B be when it goes tits up?

What happens when you don’t agree on something financial?

How is your investment protected?

If it were me, I would use the ‘I don’t want to mix business and friends’ line to back out of this. Someone who isn’t using you will be disappointed but will understand.

T,ke a chance if every single thing appeals to you. But you have already stated that she is bossy, very go ahead, and a drinker to boot. She seems to be full of great ideas, that are tempting to you, so decide if you can keep up with her,and all her plans.

Just no, for all the reasons outlined up thread. It's complicated and has the potential to get very messy , very quickly.

STOP THIS INSANITY NOW...............

tell her..... this does not work for you... the end

This has "car crash" written all over it.

The letters are 2 metres high in fluorescent pink paint.

Don't even think about doing it.

I messaged a very gentle but honest message earlier this morning. I said I was saying no for the right reasons and from the heart because I don't want us to fall out .

I've had nothing back all day .

This is unusual for someone who rings me 7 times a day

I've sent a
Further message saying I hope we are still friends .

I've messaged because she is domineering and would try and talk me round and because I'm working 12 hours a day at the moment and can't talk .

I'm a bit sad and I know she will be absolutely raging with me but if she ends our friendship over this so be it .

She was texting me at 3 am this morning despite knowing I was up for work at 6 . I feel if we lived together she would be sitting on the edge of my bed instead of texting .
And I can envisage her being "off colour" on a morning and me taking her daughter to school.

I've done that . My kids are very much adults . I enjoy my time alone .

I could be giving up a lovely opportunity but my gut says not to do this because she is demanding, won't take no for an answer, drinks and smokes her way through at least 35£ worth a day . Probably more . If she doesn't respond I'm fine . I like her but hey ho. She isn't always the nicest person to be around and I've stuck around because I know I can go home when I need to.
I think we'd be miserable living together and she would hold the cards . I've told her there is no way she should put a property worth half a million into joint names and I actually do t want to be beholden to her . It would feel like I'm married again ! And I've said what if I do meet someone- I couldn't bring a fell home with her teenage daughter wandering around. It's just too weird . So I've said no , I've said it early so not pissing her about . If she doesn't want to speak to me so be it .

Well done. You've been true to yourself. Wait now for her to contact you.
If she drops you as a friend it would be her huge loss.

Thank gawd you said NO ..

you have done the right thing for You., you were essentially becoming a replacement Husband... 🤣

It sounds as if she sees you, in a way some (not all!) very wealthy people see those around them, as an instrument/appliance to do her bidding and she's angry because you are 'malfunctioning'. She also doesn't sound like a very stable personality - your description of her makes her appear impulsive, addictive, a risk taker. These two factors appear to have brought the plan into being in the first place, and mean that its whole foundations would have been on sand.

You've done the right thing saying no. There is going to be fallout, but at least you can withdraw to your own space.

Unless you have this all planned out properly, I'd say no.

The main problem I can see is that your friend is very used to the finer things in life and won't understand budgeting. This will be bad enough with simple things like the bills - she is probably used to having heating on whenever, and not giving a thought to buying the £15 bottle of wine v. the £5.99 bottle of wine - imagine what it will be like during renovations when she's insisting on the £300 kitchen tap and demands you pay half.

You need proper advice, a concrete plan and a backbone to deal with this. If she's making you feel awful for saying no thank you now... I shudder to think how she'll walk all over you (and leave you bankrupt) later.

Thank goodness.

It spelt utter disaster.

All of what she was suggesting was to enable her to live the life she wanted.

I could forsee you in a housekeeping/companion role/ PA role 24 hrs a day.🙄

All for the supposed pleasure of living in a nicer house...that you could be turfed out of at ANY time.

She sounds very spoiled and entitled.
Don't estimate how determined she will be to try and maintain HER comfortable life.

You being used for this purpose and your friendship being collateral damage will not register with such people.

Also being a kind person you would probably want to maintain a calm atmosphere for ger child, so she would use you as taxi/childcare for HER child.

There is absolutely NOTHING in this arrangement for you except disaster and bitter regret.

She dismisses it all
She's already dismissing your thoughts & opinions, & you're not beholden to her yet. DO NOT do this.
She sounds like a typical trustafarian type - full of happy anticipation of her own comfort & ability to live abroad in her other house, while someone else takes care of the grunt work - & pays for the privilege!
You would likely end up financially exposed, while she won't need to worry - she's already decided she's calling all the shots about the house you buy, what will be done to it, & when she will sell up.
How is that a safe or equal venture for you?

she tells me I'm being silly , being a witterer, a washer woman etc etc and that it will all be fine and to leave everything to her
& you love this woman - who insults you, intends to use you, & has given you no legal of financial details of how a deal might be framed?
She's used to throwing money around to get what she wants.
Right now, she wants you - as housekeeper, site manager, & financial mug. What happens when she no longer wants that?
She hasn't thought this through at all, it's just her latest whim. When she tires of it, she will not consider your finances or rights.

Also, why are you such pals with an airhead who talks down to you, calls you names, & bandies classist insults?

She was texting me at 3 am this morning despite knowing I was up for work at 6 . I feel if we lived together she would be sitting on the edge of my bed instead of texting
And I can envisage her being "off colour" on a morning and me taking her daughter to school.

Well done. This is your gut instinct, screaming to protect you.
She is a selfish woman, as her petulant response to your "sorry, no" has shown.

You would end up being responsible for all the bills (including heating the damn pool) on an expensive house, while she swans off abroad. She'd be full of "jam tomorrow" & bullshit, & when you communicate worries, like "I can't afford the £15k kitchen island you want", or "the electric bill is £4k this month, for the pool heating" she will call you names & leave you to deal with it.

After all - you're just her obedient washerwoman, aren't you?

I agree with @MadameMonk

She's trying to panicky problem solve how to go on in the style she's become accustomed to and is using you to solve this. But reality is she might have to drop the cleaner and come back down to earth.
She's not willing to compromise.
She could always spend 1/4 or 1/2 of the money from the £2 million house and buy something more modest to do up herself with the left over cash. Then cash in on that herself because SHE can fund the renovation. Then she can go it again with a bigger place from her own profit. But no. She just wants to continue living in a privileged dream world. You're not her solution. She's sold you on the apparent luxurious lifestyle

So glad you told her NO 🌸

I’d run very quickly in the opposite direction, unless the thought of being stuck in the big new house - requiring renovation - with her kids and your combined pets whilst she swans off overseas is a prospect that doesn’t phase you?

Just, no.

It sounds to me as though she wants a live-in caretaker who will ALSO pay towards the upkeep of the house. I wouldn't touch this with a bargepole.