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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say yes then no ?

89 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 02/10/2021 23:35

I've been good friends with someone I really do love and value for a few years although she is quite demanding as a friend , and quite needy / bossy

Recently this got worse as her marriage ended - her dh asked for divorce . She lives in a 2 million £ house , has cleaners , gardeners etc and doesn't work .
I rent a one bed place , work and am independent.
She asked me if I'd like to move in with her when she moves- she says I'll
Have own room , lounge and bathroom. She wants me to fund some renovations and says well both make money .
At first this sounded like the answer to my prayers - I'm in a rental . She said she would stay home and look after our pets , we'd split the bills so would keep the cleaner , have a great standard of living . I'd be secure new place has a pool , tons and tons of room . Large gardens . .

But the more I'm getting into this arrangement the more precarious it seems . She will be moving abroad as she has a home abroad - she wants me to fund renovations and then when we sell (she sells) well both make something from it . I aren't worried she would rip
Me off or anything like that . But she's needy , demanding, bossy and a drinker . She has a teenage girl who I do adore but I live alone now as both my kids are adult . I love my own space and being my own boss . She's determined this is happening despite when or if I say I have reservations and I've realised without someone else's money she couldn't maintain her standard of living,

We're both single but I've tried to broach the subject of what happens if we meet anyone?
What happens to me when she sells ?
What happens if I can't get a mortgage that's funds the renovations?

She dismisses it all . I'm sure we could live together happily if we do indeed have our own space but I'm getting cold feet and do t know how to
Broach this now because she tells me I'm being silly , being a witterer, a washer woman etc etc and that it will all be fine and to leave everything to her .

Am I being stupid and looking a gift horse in the mouth?
I do love her and I've said I will not put our friendship at risk . She says I'm being daft .

OP posts:

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2021 00:11

Really?
We do get along really really well.it'a bit meant to be a long term thing- 5 years maybe .

Argh ! Just struggling.

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 03/10/2021 00:13

Meh. If you've nothing much to lose but possibly something to gain it could be fun.

Have a back-up plan as to how to extricate yourself though if all goes tits-up.

My main concerns would be her drinking and the daughter having wild parties!

MoveOnTheCards · 03/10/2021 00:13

This really isn’t in your favour OP. The incremental benefit isn’t your’s. I would walk away. (Run).

Merryoldgoat · 03/10/2021 00:17

This is the idea of two drunken idiots.

My friend and I would come up with similar after a lot of wine. We’d never be daft enough to act on it.

Throckmorton · 03/10/2021 00:19

And when you can't afford something she wants you both to purchase, presumably she'll call you silly and pressure you into it. And if your circumstances change and you need to move for work or a relationship...? I would not risk this.

ironorchids · 03/10/2021 00:19

You stand to gain little and lose a lot. The risk to you is huge and not matched by the potential small gain.

A fabulous lifestyle on someone else's terms is not as fabulous as it may seem.

Being at the whim of someone else who is already dismissing your worries with petty name-calling (the hallmark of an someone who doesn't have an argument with any substance) has the potential to turn ugly quickly.

TartanJumper · 03/10/2021 00:19

No.
Just tell her you have other plans.

TartanJumper · 03/10/2021 00:21

Meant to add: was watching Oprah once, and she gave a tip: if someone asks you do something, and you say no, if they keep pushing think:
Why are they trying to control me?
What do they want from me?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2021 00:22

@stillvicarinatutu

Really? We do get along really really well.it'a bit meant to be a long term thing- 5 years maybe .

Argh ! Just struggling.

You won't get along if you carry on with this ridiculous plan.

But she's needy , demanding, bossy and a drinker.

These are your words. You'd really go into business with a woman like this? What she is proposing is going into business with her. Don't be daft.

violetbunny · 03/10/2021 00:22

Do not touch this with a bargepole.

Yes you'll be out of your insecure rental, but what happens if you fall out? If you don't have a legal right to the property you'll be out on your ass. If you do have a legal right, things will get very messy as you'll need to extricate yourself financially.

You'll be putting money in for renovations - when you sell the place how are you going to agree what a fair return for you is on your investment?

How is she going to afford the place without her ex? Sounds like you'll be funding some of it, but what about the rest? It sounds like she wants you to fund her lifestyle but hasn't actually figured out the realities of her financial situation. If she can't afford the remainder, it's you who will be left picking up the pieces financially unless you want to lose your "investment".

You would be crazy to even consider this.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2021 00:23

We are not two drunken idiots thanks !

This was a proposition that would allow us both a really good standard of living and mutually beneficial. It's a lot to consider yes - but as best friends who get along well , have fun , and enjoy each other's company, are both single and are looking for a 5 year plan - it's not exactly bonkers . It's worth thinking about , even if I aren't completely feeling it.

OP posts:

Elieza · 03/10/2021 00:23

If you had a landlord and tenant agreement signed showing clearly what not if the house is yours, then living together would be fine as you’d have security.

I take it she presumes that she’ll get the house on the divorce? Because if she doesn’t you’d both be out on your ears!

She could find her renovations from your rent money. If she wants you to pay for renovations or project manager things that should be done with a written agreement

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2021 00:26

No she'll be selling the 2 million £ place , splitting that with her ex and cash buying something more modest. That's what she has invited me to live in .

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2021 00:27

It's bonkers. It's the very definition of bonkers. Investing your money into a property you don't own, in the hopes that your bossy, controlling, drunkard friend won't fuck you over and leave you with nothing when they sell up and fuck off out of the country. You have expressed serious misgivings. Listen to yourself.

MadameMonk · 03/10/2021 00:28

You need to talk through the plan with a professional or two. Financial advisor, accountant, a solicitor too for sure, etc.

What will happen is that you will get a clearer picture of your personal financial future and how this plan might (or might not) fit. You be given different questions to ask her, and to answer for yourself. You’ll start to fill in a spreadsheet with actual numbers and months/years marked on it. Details will need to be thrashed out. Along this process you can afford to be very positive to her about the plan to co-habit. You’ll also see that you have 10 solid reasons why although you’d have loved to, it just isn’t possible. Blame the advisor if you have to. But I guarantee that starting to plan properly will throw up plenty of issues you (and she) haven’t yet considered. Maybe some opportunities too?

At the moment you only have her desperate desire to not have to work, and your half-hearted daydream of sitting by the pool. Since you say you value the friendship so highly, isn’t it time to give it respect by doing proper due diligence? You can tell her that too. And retell her every time she accuses you of just looking for an excuse to back out.

My instinct is that it won’t work out, because of your friend’s attachment to her old life. She can’t just slot in you and your limited funds but hope to otherwise go on as before.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 03/10/2021 00:32

Madame

Thank you . Incredible advice . Makes perfect sense.

OP posts:

Maskless · 03/10/2021 01:07

Your gut instinct says no.

Listen to it!

This has disaster written all over it, sorry.

She's far too pushy.

KikoLemons · 03/10/2021 07:32

MadameMonk is spot on.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 03/10/2021 07:53

It could work but you two need spend the time together to “What If” it to death.

Everything from what if one of you meets someone to what to do in a zombie invasion.

I would suggest for the first year that you don’t invest any money but instead just have a normal lodger type agreement that means either of you can give one months notice. Then either one of you can get out fairly easily if it doesn’t work.

If she isn’t willing to do the “What If” ing then don’t do it.

Mother87 · 03/10/2021 09:15

Aquamarine29 @ MadameMonk have covered it all...👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Mother87 · 03/10/2021 09:20

Sorry if I've missed something here
"Together we could run it easily , live a rather lovely lifestyle and both make money on modernising it and she would do it properly with me buying in etc"

Where's the bit where YOU make or even RETAIN your investment? What are you actually BUYING into/would that be contractual (your share) etc... Maybe just be a lodger & enjoy all - it's HER property so she can upgrade/re-model as much/little as she wants...

billy1966 · 03/10/2021 09:26

@Aquamarine1029

This.

Word for word.

movpov · 03/10/2021 09:36

It would be a huge no from me. Why does she need you to fund renovations when she has a £2 million plus house which can either be sold and proceeds split, or she can be bought out? Has she thought about getting a job herself?

I think you'd be mad to give up your independence; this will not work out and It's likely you'd be left with nothing. If you do decide to give this serious thought, at the very least speak to a solicitor to protect yourself

Quitelikeacatslife · 03/10/2021 09:37

No, she is trying to find a way to keep her lifestyle. Splitting bills could be a major flashpoint. She is not used to compromising on cost or budgeting I imagine. Also she should pay 2/3 if has daughter there too.
Maybe she buys something she can afford to run herself and you buy a smaller development together? Or you rent something together so both get a nicer house but not so fancy.
If you can't afford a cleaner, fancy house and pool between you then you just can't.
Your savings are precious to set you up, they could get frittered away. I can imagine she will say everything must be top spec etc. Have her previous developments been overfunded by husband?

merryhouse · 03/10/2021 09:41

The important thing to note is that she wants to do this because she can't afford the lifestyle she wants

If bringing you in is going to change that, then, by definition you are handing over money

Why don't you suggest she buys two houses with her share? - one maybe not as big or nice as she wants but nice enough, the other to rent out to someone (possibly you) in order to pay her expenses.

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