How do you co parent effectively when one of you is stricter than the other?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

My husband is stricter than I am and it causes some disagreements between us. He had a very different upbringing to me.

If your partner is different to you with parenting, what sort of compromise do you make so everyone’s happy?

You both need to read some child rearing books together.
www.amazon.co.uk/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/184812614X/ref=bmx_dp_1n7e2cgo_2/262-9585705-9232942?psc=1&pf_rd_p=94426033-0f75-42e1-88f2-9726a24245b4&pf_rd_r=WGGB0HR915VQ6N6P2HWQ&pd_rd_wg=3vzjQ&pd_rd_i=184812614X&pd_rd_w=PchEx&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&pd_rd_r=9c872647-1804-4b4a-8910-7cdc3ad27417
Here's one - because unless you are a child expert there's no reason either of you know what is best to do. So much research has been done over the years and so much advice (other than this is how I was brought up!) is available, take advantage of it.

Each do your own thing as long as it's nothing abusive, but also (this is v important) don't undermine each other.

Eg if DC comes saying "mum, dad says I can't have Nintendo because I was rude to him, can't I have it back now", you don't give it back until Dad says it's ok.

I have a sibling with a DP who is softer than them. I often notice they won't dispense the discipline that is hard - let's face it taking away screens as a consequence can be a pita for the parent, but it can also be very effective. It's very difficult on my dsibling as they are often forced to be bad cop when they don't want to be.

Battle of my life

It depends how strict we are talking: if you mean too strict and aggressive that’s one thing. If you shy away from correcting your children, then that’s another.

Can I just say it’s horrible being the strict one! Being left to do the hard stuff all the time is depressing and divisive. My husband wouldn’t step up for years and I used to get really upset with him. It’s also undermining. At one point I didn’t feel like I wanted to coparent with him any more.

I have basically trained him. It took years.
But he was literally the softest dad I know. I started telling him off every time he failed to parent his children effectively: great dad, poor disciplinarian.

You don't parent effectively that way. So you need to come to an agreement with each other on how to present a united front.

We have slightly different approaches, but don't undermine each other, so kids know what to expect

We agreed that if it's a safety issue, the more cautious approach wins

We are pretty United and only undermine if we really truly believe the other is being unreasonable. But I’ve been told on mumsnet before how I’m a truly awful shitty strict mum so the fact he is more strict than me has got me thinking about things a bit more.

@Spiindoctor

You both need to read some child rearing books together. ]] Here's one - because unless you are a child expert there's no reason either of you know what is best to do. So much research has been done over the years and so much advice (other than this is how I was brought up!) is available, take advantage of it.

Good advice and a good book. Children require their needs met (not hungry, tired etc), kindness, consistency and guidance. It may just be phrasing, but while consistency matters, "strict" isn't necessarily helpful if your rules or consequences aren't proportionate. What are the actual rules you disagree on, are they to keep your child and others safe, or are they sometimes demanding actions from the child unnecessarily? What are the consequences and do they vary to match the issues? E.g. distinguish bad behaviour (throwing so deprive of item / toy), laziness (no treat as chores not done) or mistakes (spilled drink, help to clean up and remind to be careful).

It's helpful to think about the difference between authoritative parenting - setting boundaries in the kids'/family's best interests and sticking to them vs authoritarian parenting - for example when you make kids conform to your idea of what is right and don't leave space for them to be themselves.

It really does depend on your definition of 'strict' but I personally couldn't raise children with someone who isn't on the same page as me.

We have pretty much the same rules I just think he could relax a little bit.
For example, she keeps her room tidy. That’s pretty much her only job. I don’t think she needs telling everyday though, I’m happy for her to keep on top of it on her own terms and on a Saturday morning I’ll go in and give her a hand. Fir him sometimes he comes hone from work and it’s the first thing out of his mouth before he’s even said hello and it just pisses me off.

I forgot to answer what we do. Before having DS, we talked a lot about parenting and decided on a nurturing approach, and we both read the book linked above. We've developed our approach as DS grows, things that work or don't work we mention to each other and we've stayed consistent with how we choose to parent. There's a lot of not sweating small stuff with a little kid, in particular recognising when they are acting up due to being tired and need a rest to calm down, or when they are worried and need a hug. We are consistent however in consequences with anything that would injure or break stuff (throwing / kicking etc). If one says a toy is removed then it isn't given back until next day, we never undermine but discuss if we think something needs to be done differently and compromise. We also recognise if the other one is exhausted and take over, to avoid getting ratty with DS just because we are tired. We have a happy child who people comment is extremely well behaved child, so it's working so far. We'll adapt more together as he grows and changes.

Eg if DC comes saying "mum, dad says I can't have Nintendo because I was rude to him, can't I have it back now", you don't give it back until Dad says it's ok

But that is simply doing what the most strict parent decides? There's no compromise there?

It is incredibly hard and hugely easier when they’re small. I’ve found it becomes much more of an issue as they get older. We’ve been told it is hugely common and the key is to put in time to regroup and talk away from situations. Also both will have to compromise.

Also yes it is horrible being the strict one. I do find though that even though I’m the stricter one I’m still the one my children come to and confide in if the chips are really down. Maybe it’s a security issue.

@SheABitSpicyToday

We have pretty much the same rules I just think he could relax a little bit. For example, she keeps her room tidy. That’s pretty much her only job. I don’t think she needs telling everyday though, I’m happy for her to keep on top of it on her own terms and on a Saturday morning I’ll go in and give her a hand. Fir him sometimes he comes hone from work and it’s the first thing out of his mouth before he’s even said hello and it just pisses me off.

The obvious point here is that tidiness is subjective and many people would disagree as to whether a room was tidy. Both of you need to agree what this means for your daughter if that is her role in the family. If it means no clothes on the floor and the bed made then she should accept that. Yes, she can negotiate a bit with you both on the standard but once it is set that’s it. Typically this type of chore is linked to a reward.

Should it be pointed out when she doesn’t do what is expected of her. The answer is yes because then she will understand why there is a consequence of her not doing what is asked of her. If the bed isn’t made and she is supposed to do that then one of you needs to point that out. At some point you both should sit her down and explain the consequences. If chores are linked to pocket money then she will know why she isn’t getting her pocket money.

If you never said each day that the bed wasn’t made, she could argue down the consequences and feel the consequence is unfair. The other issue is that she needs carrot as well as stick. Do either of you praise what she does do right ? Reinforce her positives and success when it comes to tidiness.

I am the strict one in our family

She gets praised for doing things well. But atm I just feel like he’s always on her about something and she’s already quite stressed due to new school, new area, new baby etc.

sometimes he comes hone from work and it’s the first thing out of his mouth before he’s even said hello and it just pisses me off.

This isn't strict so much as it is simply horrible behaviour from him. I wouldn't want my child living with a man who didn't walk in the door and ask them how their day was. The finding something to moan about straight away is a red flag to me and will only escalate as she gets older.

@SheABitSpicyToday

She gets praised for doing things well. But atm I just feel like he’s always on her about something and she’s already quite stressed due to new school, new area, new baby etc.

That's a lot for her to deal with, at any age, although you don't say how old she is. I was guessing young because you say you will help with her room and she doesn't do anything else.

The problem you have here is unless they build a solid good relationship now, her teen years will be hell with him around.

She’s 7. He does a lot of great things with her too, it’s not all doom and gloom he just has to have things a certain way (autistic) and as he’s not her biological father I think he just doesn’t have that connection that I do with her. He loves her very much and his upbringing I think had a large amount to do with it which is things we’re working on together.

This is tricky tbh. Many couples find this can become a big problem if not sorted out. Maybe some parenting classes may help . My dh is also soft but I'm not terribly strict either! Somewhere in between is a good place to aim for I think

She is also very resistant to him atm which is making things more difficult. Things like “I don’t need to listen to daddy I only need to listen to mummy”. Which I obviously tell her is not the case at all and she listens to us both. It’s hard for him too having her scream at him all the time about how much she hates him and how she wishes he didn’t live with us anymore then all of a sudden she wants something from him and it’s all “you’re the best daddy in the world” etc. it’s been quite hard to navigate.

**Eg if DC comes saying "mum, dad says I can't have Nintendo because I was rude to him, can't I have it back now", you don't give it back until Dad says it's ok

But that is simply doing what the most strict parent decides? There's no compromise there?**

It may be for that specific moment but then on the quiet later you discuss it and explain your side of things and how you disagree. It only works if you are prepared to work together though and back down sometimes. So in this situation, say my dh said something I disagreed with, I'd leave it till we were on our own, say why I don't think he handled it in the right way and sometimes he will say its something he really feels strongly about so I let it go, other times he may concede and in that situation HE will be the one to give the toy back early so it doesn't look like I made him back down if that makes sense.

it’s not all doom and gloom
he just has to have things a certain way (autistic

Please don't use his autism as an excuse for bad parenting. Plenty of us manage it just fine.

The problem with 'it's not all doom and gloom' is that some of it is awful and that's not good enough.

@SheABitSpicyToday

She is also very resistant to him atm which is making things more difficult. Things like “I don’t need to listen to daddy I only need to listen to mummy”. Which I obviously tell her is not the case at all and she listens to us both. It’s hard for him too having her scream at him all the time about how much she hates him and how she wishes he didn’t live with us anymore then all of a sudden she wants something from him and it’s all “you’re the best daddy in the world” etc. it’s been quite hard to navigate.

She is 7 and he is an adult. Please focus on her feelings in the situation, not his.