How do you co parent effectively when one of you is stricter than the other?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

My husband is stricter than I am and it causes some disagreements between us. He had a very different upbringing to me.

If your partner is different to you with parenting, what sort of compromise do you make so everyone’s happy?

We are often not 'on the same page', when it comes to parenting and 'discipline', but there are many many pages in the book of child rearing, so we just muddle through both doing our best with our different life experiences. I'm not big on the whole disciplinarian malarkey cos that's not how I was brought up, but we seem to be managing ok

A 7 year old needs help with chores. Keeping a room tidy and devising a system for it is quite a complicated task for a child.
Work alongside her and help her to do it, thats how they learn.

I am afraid that your husband reminds me of my ex who was DD’s stepdad (we separated when she was nine). I felt like he bullied her (and yes, he did do nice supportive things with her to so it was not constant), but he too liked everything a certain way and it is a stifling atmosphere for a child. My DD was a very well-behaved child, did well at school, no trouble at all, but he needled away at her. I didn’t want her growing up like that. She actually still cannot eat or listen to certain things because they remind her of him, eight years later. And it was nothing overtly abusing, ‘just’ low level control.

I am afraid fluffypastelslippers is right - he is coming home and asking her about her room as soon as he gets in, which is not nice behaviour. That is what you said. You then justified it by saying he was tired and grumpy.

You have given this man a privilege - allowing him into your DD’s life. He is bullying her about her bedroom, a space which makes no difference to his life at all. If she had left things all over the living room, that would be different, but her bedroom is her space. Think about boundaries here - why is he dictating how her room should be? He is not her father, she should be able to close her door and have space. And yet, every day he makes himself the arbiter of her own personal space. That is overstepping boundaries. You take a different approach which is setting expectations and working with her to achieve them. That is reasonable and treats her like an autonomous human being who you support to learn and manage. You are helping with her space once a week, and leaving her in peace for the other six days. You see the difference otherwise you would not have posted.

@SheABitSpicyToday

ALL THREE OF US have agreed that her bedroom needs to be kept tidy. There’s nothing wrong with that agreement. I just don’t think she needs reminding of it every day when he gets home. She gets very upset when her room is messy and likes to keep on top of it but obviously her standards aren’t as high as she’s 7.

I did not read this before I posted. Your daughter is doing great - it sounds like she keeps her room to the standard she can manage and recognises this needs to be done. I think that is age appropriate and she should not be being told there is something wrong with that. No wonder she is beginning to show behaviour which is resentful.

I agree that coming in from work and attacking the child is bullying rather than strict. A young child can tidy away toys every day, but if they miss it occasionally you focus on firstly "how was your day?", then prompt gently or offer to help them tidy before bed. Extra rewards if they do it without prompting. It isn't a naughty thing to have a messy room, it's failing to hit an additional standard, so it's way over the top to shout about it. As PP point out above, it's also her private space, so it's over-stepping a boundary to have that as the main topic for nit-picking. Veering between authoritarian shouting and disney dad is never going to be a healthy parenting approach, it is confusing for children. A step-parent can help with children, but it is not appropriate for them to lead with establishing rules; if he doesn't understand and accept that then you don't just accept his bullying of her, you need to separate so that you can look after your daughter.

He has never once shouted at her.

And he is as much her father as anyone else could be. He is the only father she has ever known and I absolutely expect him to parent her the same way he will parent his own when he is born. We would not work as family if she was just my child to deal with and he was on the outskirts.

And he is as much her father as anyone else could be.

He isn't though. Don't lose sight of that fact.

We would not work as family if she was just my child to deal with and he was on the outskirts.

You don't work as a family though, that's why you posted.

You sound so defensive OP - yet you're posting here about this which makes me think this stuff does worry you really?

Unfortunately he's likely to have a different sort of bond with his own child which will be all the harder for the 7 year old. I don't think he'll be able to help that.

I'm autistic and respond well to "rules" - so what about blanket rules like: "first thing when you get in, you HAVE to hug and ask how the day was. Then tea. Every Saturday we'll look at the bedroom together." sort of thing?

If he keeps doing it, whether you like it or not, it will affect her and her future relationship with you both.

Most low level "abuse" isn't done by monsters, it's done by normal (but damaged) people who feel they can't help themselves or change. They absolutely can. There's no way he treats his boss or you like this is there?

How long ago did he move in? You say he is "the only father she's ever known", but also that she says she wishes he hadn't moved in, so she remembers living without him. You've even moved area to be with him and that was recent if she's moved school; how long ago was that?

Working together as a couple to raise children is all about flexibility; towards each other and towards children. You have picked someone who is unfortuntely unwilling to be flexible. I think you're being resistant because you're pregnant and have decided that means this is it for you all and you mustn't even disagree with him. It isn't, you are allowed to see what isn't working and take a different path.

We’ve been together 6 years. We lived together in a different area first but have recently moved area all together for work. She doesn’t remember a time without him, she just said she doesn’t want to live with him anymore. But this can be over anything, even him just saying that her dinners ready when she’s watching tv.

What tips it from parenting to bullying is the relentlessness of it, and the fact you say she is keeping her room tidy in a way she can manage, he has just found something to pick at her for, instead of recognising what she is doing.

I cannot imagine it really, or being subjected to it.

How is he going to manage when she is a teenager and develops more of her own individuality? Will she have the space to do that?

I would never make such a fuss over a 7 year old bedroom, I think he needs to back off

@SheABitSpicyToday

We’ve been together 6 years. We lived together in a different area first but have recently moved area all together for work. She doesn’t remember a time without him, she just said she doesn’t want to live with him anymore. But this can be over anything, even him just saying that her dinners ready when she’s watching tv.

How long ago did he actually move in, in the other area?

The way it comes across is that she really doesn't like how he talks to her. You've come on here making a post because you don't like it either. The only detailed example we have, a.bunch of adult women all agree with her that it isn't appropriate. So, just for a moment let yourself see that he isn't talking appropriately to her. You can have him read the book linked and go to parenting classes, to see if he will change. If he does then great. If he doesn't then you can make your decisions from there. Would you try that?

I am wondering how he will cope with the chaos of a new baby, or whether you will be run ragged trying to keep his level of order and ensure DD keeps it too.

Could he be stressed out by something, work perhaps, and he’s making her his whipping boy?

If so perhaps it’s time he addressed the real issue. You need to talk and find out where he’s at.

I’d suggest that you be responsible for enforcing the room cleaning and he is told to butt out if that particular thing. The rest of the house fine. He room her business. With your help as she’s just young. Perhaps she could just close the door over so he doesn’t see inside.

The other issue with different parenting styles is sometimes the one over compensates for the other. That only makes things worse. For example you feel sorry she hes hard on her so you’re lax in other areas with her. He sees that and thinks he’s not tough enough so gets even tougher. (PS I’m not saying this is definitely the case with you, I’m just mentioning as it creeps up and people don’t realise they are doing it).

Basically talk and sort it out. Both listen to each other’s feelings.

she just said she doesn’t want to live with him anymore.

Something has gone wrong. Listen to her. Children (she's 7!) cannot articulate as adults do.

Have lots of chats with him about what outcomes you both want for your children. Establish common ground. I had to nag DH to read the parenting books that I thought were brilliant. he's quite arrogant and resisted the idea that some book could teach him, but je saw me applying techniques that got rid of tantrums and stand offs and in the end started doing the same. We differ far less now than we did when DC were small. Our parenting styles have grown together.

This isnt about being strict or being shouted out this is about their interaction with each other and him constantly hounding her.

He is losing her - and the older she gets the worse it will get. He needs to work out whether he can cope with the idea of a room not being tidy or not. Because if he cant then living with you isnt going to work.

@Elieza yes he’s unbelievably stressed atm.

I'm sure that I've read this before.

Your daughter is going through enormous change and needs unconditional love and support and attention. Before the baby arrives and she becomes even more unsettled.

She is seven. Seven. A very young child who is still learning about everything.

You need to tell your partner that she needs unconditional love not moaning at and that is non negotiable

If he doesn't like mess then everyone agree that she keeps he bedroom door shut and he doesn't go in.

At that age she should be getting stuff and playing with it in order to learn. Not live ina show home.

When the baby arrives there will be mess. And he will have to live with it

He’s still trying to shed the way he was parented which from what he tells me sounded really bleak. I am too, we had very different upbringings but they were both pretty damaging.

I recognised your situation as I read through your posts and when I checked back I was right. From your previous posts your DD sounds very unhappy and I'm sure your partner's behaviour is not helping. He (and you) need to take a long look at yourselves and your reactions to her behaviour. She's seven and going through some big changes that she gets no say in. You're adults, act like it.

Perhaps a discussion on how he could alleviate his stress would be a good starting point. Does he feel tied to this job to be a provider for you all but hates it? Could he move departments or change something at work? Or get a new job? What options are there for change?

Taking out his frustration on her by trying to control things around him (like home tidyness) to compensate for his lack of control at work, is not the answer.

Point out that his childhood was not as happy as it could have been due to strict parents and how you know he doesn’t want that for dc so you’re going to help him by taking on the responsibility for her room yourself and even if it’s messy he’s to not get involved. And discuss what would help him to look past her room and leave that to you as it’s affecting their relationship. Could be just keeping the door shut.

Not a lot he can do stress wise atm we just need to get through it. It’s been a difficult few months for all of us.