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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do you co parent effectively when one of you is stricter than the other?

102 replies

SheABitSpicyToday · 02/10/2021 07:09

My husband is stricter than I am and it causes some disagreements between us. He had a very different upbringing to me.

If your partner is different to you with parenting, what sort of compromise do you make so everyone’s happy?

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 02/10/2021 14:23

But he must not understand any circumstances take out his stress on s child. Which is what is happening.

He needs to stop.
Now.

LeVole · 02/10/2021 14:44

Put yourself in her shoes - how horrible would it be if someone you love came home every day and the first thing they said to you was "did you clean the bathroom". How depressing. Its not strict it's just downright unpleasant.

Quartz2208 · 02/10/2021 16:09

He can stop taking it out on her OP of course he can.

I really dont think you see it though. How unhappy and unpleasant this is for your daughter and why she is potentially acting out.

Yes it has been hard on everyone but you chose it you made decisions. She hasn't and she needs support and guidance not tough love.

If he wants a good relationship with her he needs to nurture that otherwise he will lose it.

And it is notable that your posts are full of excuses for him and you - do you ever afford her that?

Dishwashersaurous · 02/10/2021 16:30

Agree. I remember your other posts.

You are making excuses and blaming her.

She is a very young child. She needs and deserves love, support and help to manage difficult situations.

He needs dramatically change his behaviour

Sadless · 02/10/2021 16:38

My husband is very strict if he says my son had to be home for 9 and he came back at 9 15 he would lose his phone for a few days. I tried to argue that its wasn't that bad he would let us know he would be late but still. It got to the point where the unfairness of the rules that my son got offered to live some where else and he went. Now he's in a care home because he couldn't live with the stupid rules. Lucky my other kids wasn't as outgoing as him and rarely go out. But the amount of arguing about it was constant and I use to pretend he was in kitchen when he hadn't got in time. But I feel and felt like I didn't have a say its his rules and thats it.

My son is alot happier now I speak to him everyday and he's not far away and if he's 10 minutes late back there he doesn't get in trouble as long as he let's them know and he's nearly 17 now

Sal

Dishwashersaurous · 02/10/2021 17:00

Also can everyone remember that we are talking about a seven year child. Barely out of infants. Very young.

Who has moved to a complete new area and whose mother is pregnant, and suffering in the pregnancy.

The child needs compassion not strictures

Hobnobswantshernameback · 02/10/2021 17:01

Ye gods threads like this depress me Sad

N4ish · 02/10/2021 17:11

Your threads always turn negative incredibly quickly op. I’ve posted once or twice on your previous threads and had my head bitten off. I can see the same thing is happening here. Really not sure what you get out of posting, it’s doesn’t seem as if you want to take on board anyone’s opinions or advice.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 02/10/2021 17:17

I just get frustrated when people make stupid accusations off of one tiny bit of information. It’s not helpful in the slightest.

This is one small thing that we disagree about. That’s it.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 02/10/2021 17:24

But it's not one small thing.

You have posted multiple times about your daughter.

Therefore you must want to fix things.

But you can't fix things unless you make changes.

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 02/10/2021 17:28

She’s doing fine now. She’s having some counselling at school and we got to the bottom of what was worrying her.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 02/10/2021 17:34

Just listen to your own comments.

This is a seven year old child that requires counselling.

She needs unconditional love, support and parenting.

She doesn't need nagging and confrontation.

This is important and serious.

And you know this because otherwise you wouldn't be posting about it

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 02/10/2021 17:35

She gets all of those things ffs!!

OP posts:
N4ish · 02/10/2021 17:37

Definitely not one tiny bit of information! A lot of people are saying that your daughter would benefit from a more compassionate, positive way of parenting but you don’t want to hear that for some reason.

Dishwashersaurous · 02/10/2021 17:39

No she doesn't.

Your entire post was about the fact that the first thing her father does when he gets home is moan at her about tidying her room, and that she doesn't want to live with him.

That is not giving her unconditional love and support in her home environment.

That's moaning at her

MRex · 02/10/2021 17:51

@SheABitSpicyToday

She gets all of those things ffs!!
No she doesn't, you've literally just put up this OP saying your partner complains at her about her room. Now you say the poor child is in counselling? WTF is wrong with you that you let him bully her when she's vulnerable? Just stop it, now. Either he changes, or you move out if necessary. Your wishes to be with this angry man do not trump her needs for a calm and supportive home environment.
Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 02/10/2021 17:52

Right I’m out.

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 02/10/2021 17:54

You keep on posting

People give you advice saying that your child needs unconditional love and positive parenting.

You disagree and don't want to change anything.

And repeat.

What do you want?

Nowthisisme · 02/10/2021 17:58

@deeni

You sound so defensive OP - yet you're posting here about this which makes me think this stuff does worry you really?

Unfortunately he's likely to have a different sort of bond with his own child which will be all the harder for the 7 year old. I don't think he'll be able to help that.

I'm autistic and respond well to "rules" - so what about blanket rules like: "first thing when you get in, you HAVE to hug and ask how the day was. Then tea. Every Saturday we'll look at the bedroom together." sort of thing?

If he keeps doing it, whether you like it or not, it will affect her and her future relationship with you both.

Most low level "abuse" isn't done by monsters, it's done by normal (but damaged) people who feel they can't help themselves or change. They absolutely can. There's no way he treats his boss or you like this is there?

I think this is great advice. I don't know much about autism but it sounds like he is taking the tidy bedroom responsibility very literally and for some reason he is a bit fixated. I haven't read your other posts. But, in answer to your bigger question of how to parent when one of you is stricter than the other. Me, I am stepmum and would probably be described as having a 'stricter' style than dad. At times I coach my partner as, objectively, I can see that structure and consistency make for a calmer, happier child. But many other times, I (rightfully) learn to relax to his way of parenting. We try to adapt to each her changing ways and needs as she grows which frankly means new territory for both of us all the time!
Fluffypastelslippers · 02/10/2021 20:37

@SheABitSpicyToday

I just get frustrated when people make stupid accusations off of one tiny bit of information. It’s not helpful in the slightest.

This is one small thing that we disagree about. That’s it.

It's not a disagreement though. It's down to you to make decisions on how your child is parented.

The reason so many people can see what is happening from a small piece of information is because that small piece of information tells a huge story.

user1471442488 · 02/10/2021 21:16

Yeah of course you’re out. Yet another woman who puts her partners feelings above her child. If you don’t want to hear that from people then be a better parent.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 02/10/2021 22:00

Yet another adult putting the needs of a man child ahead of an actual child
Yeah your child is so sorted and happy she needs counselling
Ask yourself why that might be Angry

Original poster
SheABitSpicyToday · 02/10/2021 22:06

There’s no shame in counselling. What the actual fuck. She needed a bit of help with being in a new school and school have offered it to her. Fuck off!!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 02/10/2021 22:07

We sat down together (us and the kids) and made family/house rules and what the consequences would be if each of the rules were broken

Hankunamatata · 02/10/2021 22:18

Could you reframe? He checks if room is tidy when he gets home then they play a game together?