How do you co parent effectively when one of you is stricter than the other?

[SheABitSpicyToday]

My husband is stricter than I am and it causes some disagreements between us. He had a very different upbringing to me.

If your partner is different to you with parenting, what sort of compromise do you make so everyone’s happy?

My DH is softer than me, and he has now realised what a problem it has caused (I say no, he says yes, he says no 5 times then relents) - he has discovered that children push boundaries and it has been causing so much stress - them not going to bed, shouting to get out the door as shoes aren’t on despite being asked repetitively etc.

So I am seeing it from a different perspective than you (and there are times though when he is way stricter than me and we butt heads - privately - about that).

Anyway, he has learnt, we’ve talked (you must always talk) and we are working at being on the same page. The last week or so has been a joy. Children understand expectations on them, both parents striving to do the right thing.

Yes we do have chats about it and things improve but then he comes home all tired and grumpy from work and doesn’t always stop to think before he speaks.

This isn't something you can fix single handedly. Does your DH think he needs to change the way he relates to his children? Both partners need to be on board with examining their own parenting style and working out how to do it together.

No we both feel that our own parenting style is right which is why we’re butting heads.

In this scenario he is the adult and he is the one who has to adjust. Especially since he isn't her bio dad and she knows it. So no more jumping down her throat the moment he comes into the house, no more constantly getting on her case, and relaxing his standards. His autism is no excuse - 'my way or the highway' is authoritarian parenting, and research shows that it is less than optimal.

Speaking more widely, a lot of the time you don't co-parent effectively. My late husband was an authoritarian. He was raised that way and believed it was the best and only way. He refused to look into any of the literature I provided (and used to inform my own parenting) and he just grew more and more hard line. It was one of the (many) things that broke our marriage and our DDs were so much happier when he moved out. They weren't difficult, unpleasant or unreasonable kids - quite the reverse. But they could never be good enough for him.

My DC would just go on strike if treated like that, DS3 would have a meltdown, if that's what you call it with ADHD.

DH just doesn't parent, and if he does it's all being nice, which doesn't work with my DC at all, they think you don't mean it.

@SheABitSpicyToday

Yes we do have chats about it and things improve but then he comes home all tired and grumpy from work and doesn’t always stop to think before he speaks.

So he pacifies you when you raise it but nothing changes. Again you are trying to excuse him - because he is tired this time. We are all fucking tired. We don't all have a go at someone else kid the minute we walk in the door. See him for what he is and protect your daughter for goodness sake.

Could DD also be autistic. Has DH thought of that? Is she also allowed to be tired and grumpy when she has been shut in school all day? I doubt he is the only one having a hard day.
And a new baby often leads to difficult behaviour from the other child. In fact I think it is to be expected. Are you making allowances for that.
Perhaps parenting classes for both of you would be a first move.
Telling you that he is in the wrong and he is not a good father doesn't solve any issues or help DD. You both need to work together.

@SheABitSpicyToday

No we both feel that our own parenting style is right which is why we’re butting heads.

You know he isn't her parent so he doesn't get to 'butt heads' with you over which style is right. He is staring very low level abusive behaviour towards your daughter. Otherwise known as 'being a cunt'. There is only one person who can protect her here and that is you. You by the way who has been manipulated into thinking his nasty streak towards your child is a parenting style.

Could DD also be autistic. Has DH thought of that?

Based on what?

Sorry @Fluffypastelslippers you are not helpful in the slightest. It is a minor disagreement yet because he is a man you are doing the classic mumsnet bullshit of making him out to be some awful abuser which is far from the truth. You can’t make these sorts of accusation from a few posts.

Should never have bothered posting here.

No it’s not the minute she gets home from school at all I have never said that anywhere!!!!

@SheABitSpicyToday

Sorry *@Fluffypastelslippers* you are not helpful in the slightest. It is a minor disagreement yet because he is a man you are doing the classic mumsnet bullshit of making him out to be some awful abuser which is far from the truth. You can’t make these sorts of accusation from a few posts.

Should never have bothered posting here.

He may not be an awful abuser now but he is showing all the signs of being a nasty cunt to your child. This will only escalate. I understand you being defensive as you can't see it for what it is, but please understand I am not the problem here.

You’re hilarious. As if anyone can make this sort of judgements off of a post on mumsnet ffs get a life.

You need to see it's not a 'minor disagreement' about parenting that's happening here. He doesn't get to decide how to parent your child.

Before having children DH and I, as another poster mentioned above, sat down and spoke at length about the kind of parents we wanted to be. Had our ideas not matched we would not have had any children together. You have literally let a man into your daughters life who is telling you how to parent.

Fuck that. Fuck that. And Fuck that.

@SheABitSpicyToday

You’re hilarious. As if anyone can make this sort of judgements off of a post on mumsnet ffs get a life.

I just cross posted with you.

It's very easy to see things differently from the outside. You may think it's hilarious but your story is a common one and spotting it at the beginning isn't easy when you are living it. You can be angry or laugh at me as much as you want, but ultimately you are just deflecting something potentially very serious going on in your home.

Isn’t there a million other things more important - homework, exercise, having a laugh, talking through the day over dinner, walking the dog, play dates, reading, watching tv, bonding as a family etc.

And where exactly have I said she doesn’t do those things everyday??

Yes I think you are downplaying the effect that he has - this isn’t strict this is his rigid views about cleanliness being pushed onto her who isn’t even his daughter

It isn’t that minor

He is using an authoritarian and controlling style, which is not parenting. Its being controlling.

Stop butting heads, stop facilitating him. Stop asking him, and start creating hard and fast boundaries. He has to work with you to do parenting.

ALL THREE OF US have agreed that her bedroom needs to be kept tidy. There’s nothing wrong with that agreement. I just don’t think she needs reminding of it every day when he gets home. She gets very upset when her room is messy and likes to keep on top of it but obviously her standards aren’t as high as she’s 7.

I am strict compared to most friends I know. Dh thinks I'm too soft. He also discounts my 20 years of teaching experience and knowledge of child behaviour theories. He too, tends to bark instructions rather than actually have conversations. Which as any teacher knows, is counter productive. He also manages to make simple tasks like cleaning teeth into huge dramas, resulting in frustrated kids.

He isn't as bad as his dad was, but he definitely doesn't go far enough to move away from that authoritarian style. It's lazy parenting- I'm not going to put much effort in, but I expect total obedience and respect.

@SheABitSpicyToday

ALL THREE OF US have agreed that her bedroom needs to be kept tidy. There’s nothing wrong with that agreement. I just don’t think she needs reminding of it every day when he gets home. She gets very upset when her room is messy and likes to keep on top of it but obviously her standards aren’t as high as she’s 7.

If this is a touch paper issue - you hate it, she hates it, it really bugs him - can you agree a specific rule around it?

e.g. her room must be tidy by bedtime/7pm, whatever. And he agrees never to comment before 7pm?

If he’s autistic and rules matter, this approach might help?