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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband called me a bitch

126 replies

PelaLa · 02/10/2021 06:47

Asked DH quietly to stop snoring/ move over a bit to see if that would help.
He stormed through to the spare room, slammed the door and shouted that I was a fucking bitch.

I know it's annoying to be woken up, but I couldn't sleep either due to the snoring.

Surely this is an overreaction?

OP posts:
BillMasen · 02/10/2021 11:38

[quote Cadent]@BillMasen so then why are you surprised I responded after you quoted me?[/quote]
I was surprised you challenged me to do something I’d literally just done

And interested that I was actually asking if other posters would say a snoring woman “needs to go”. To which you replied “yes the man should go”

BrendaBubbles · 02/10/2021 11:41

That is extremely aggressive reaction off the cuff and I’d be worried about his capacity for future or what unspoken resentment he is harbouring. We are being told to see the signs in aggressive men and it’s not time to start diminishing it

Cadent · 02/10/2021 11:42

@BillMasen no you asked if ‘they should leave’. I assumed you meant should a man leave a woman who calls him a fucking bitch, and I said yes.

You need to ask clearer questions, you’re getting yourself in a muddle.

BillMasen · 02/10/2021 11:45

[quote Cadent]@BillMasen no you asked if ‘they should leave’. I assumed you meant should a man leave a woman who calls him a fucking bitch, and I said yes.

You need to ask clearer questions, you’re getting yourself in a muddle.[/quote]
I do apologise. I’ll make it simpler for you next time we’re in disagreement

CaptSkippy · 02/10/2021 11:46

@Harford

I have always considered a gendered slur a deal-breaker

and yet every 2nd thread in mn is LTB or a woman calling another woman a bitch so do you keep reading the thread or is it a deal-breaker?

Baffles me how some women on mn get the hump with the 'bitch' word as it offends women when bastard is the equivalent pretty much to men and yet this isn't an issue. I'm not saying it or any name-calling is acceptable because it isn't but you can't pick and choose, if you use any of them then don't point the finger at others.

I once worked with a woman who hated the word 'bitch' as it offends women, the same one went on several rants openly in the staffroom about how she'd never work in a male-dominated profession or teach in a boy's school as they ''were all misogynistic bastards she couldn't stand'', note she was stating this on teenage boys/children as well.

I'd like to see the reaction if a male teacher went on a rant about how he refused to teach in a girl's school or work with women as they were all ''moaning and complaining bitches.''

I can't stop people from calling me a b*tch online, but I can break up with someone I am in a relationship who calls me that. This is what is meant with deal-breaker. It breaks the relationship for me and I could no longer love that person.
MNHQ
YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet · 02/10/2021 11:51

Hello - the OP's thread is quickly becoming derailed. Can we politely ask posters to keep things on track? Thank you.

RiverSkater · 02/10/2021 11:59

I often nudge my partner to sleep on his side as he snores very loudly. He has things to use which stop him snoring but won't use them. I have had broken sleep for 15 years. We don't have a spare room and if we did it would be my room.
He just turns around and that usually solves it. He doesn't like being woken but it's not a full wake up and he goes to sleep immediately.
Your husband was out of order. Tell him so and hope it's a one off. If it's part of a pattern of behaviour move to the spare room and make plans to leave.

aLifetimeAgo · 02/10/2021 12:28

Similar happened to me at the beginning of my relationship.

DP was cooking a complex dinner and I was hungry, saying it always takes so long so he got annoyed and said I was carrying on 'like a f bitch'.
I was so shocked I was shaken up. I left the house as I needed to go sit in the park and think.
He found me and apologised, did try to justify it sheepishly saying it's a normal saying (huh? 🤔); I was having none of it.

This was a long time ago and we are both nice to each other, even when we're angry.
I think you need to show him this is not okay, and don't let it happen again. It's forgettable once and if they're regretful, but that's no way to treat a person.

updownroundandround · 02/10/2021 12:32

@Harford

It's mn, men are the enemy remember.Hmm

*1. If they walk behind you they are terrifying you,

  1. if they want to be sensible with cash they are financially abusive,
  2. if they are pissed of over something they are bullies,
  3. if a group of men socializes together they are being misogynistic ad spend their time belittling women.
  4. if any double standard against men is called out on mn or a poster is being nasty to one it's ok as men have caused all the problems in the world since time began so every man must pay,
6.if they are white they are very privileged and live in a mansion...
  1. If they chat to a woman in any way they are creeps.
  2. if they leave a dirty cup out then LTB*

I'm wondering whether you should be joining Menkind instead of MN? Hmm

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 02/10/2021 12:33

The difference between how my ex and how my DP gets me to turn over if I'm snoring or taking up too much space in the middle is remarkable.

DP - lays his hand flat against my shoulder slowly but firmly, if I even wake up properly at all, I just turn over and the problem is solved.

Ex - poke poke poke POKE MOVE OVER YOURE SNORING I CAN'T SLEEP SHIFT YOURSELF YOU SOUND LIKE A FUCKING PIG [made sounds like a pig at a trough] poke poke POKE SHOVE FUCK'S SAKE. Followed by - poke poke you aren't going back to sleep before me poke poke give me some duvet [snatches it in the middle and spins around in a leap off the mattress leaving me with a corner and cracked struts on the bed]

One got told to 'fuck off you fucking cunt' at 3am eventually. One hasn't.

Opus17 · 02/10/2021 12:41

Yeah I'd be upset if DH called me this but at the same time, you could've gone to the spare room. I would just put it down to two tired people and tired grumpiness 🤷🏼‍♀️

chocolateorangeinhaler · 02/10/2021 15:28

My DP is the same. He can be vile after a nap or if I nudge him to stop snoring.

We have an agreement now. If he wants a snooze in the day he goes to bed to do it. At night I wear earplugs and if his snoring still wakes me I go to the spare room.

Don't take the reaction to heart. Someone getting woken from deep sleep isn't fully awake and aware. Just find ways to work round it. He's not snoring on purpose to annoy you. But I get you, it's fucking infuriating at 2am. All you want is for them to shut the hell up.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 02/10/2021 15:30

@Harford

*Really??

He's been woken up in the middle of a sleep, and is grumpy.

Unless there is any other behaviour that is worrying then I think you might be a tad over reacting*

It's mn, men are the enemy remember.

  1. If they walk behind you they are terrifying you,
  2. if they want to be sensible with cash they are financially abusive,
  3. if they are pissed of over something they are bullies,
  4. if a group of men socializes together they are being misogynistic ad spend their time belittling women.
  5. if any double standard against men is called out on mn or a poster is being nasty to one it's ok as men have caused all the problems in the world since time began so every man must pay,
6.if they are white they are very privileged and live in a mansion...
  1. If they chat to a woman in any way they are creeps.
  2. if they leave a dirty cup out then LTB.
So true. ⬆️
Harford · 02/10/2021 16:50

Because that's what adults do, they don't storm around swearing at each other and behaving like pricks

in an ideal world perhaps but we are all human and all have our moments.

KurtWilde · 02/10/2021 17:39

Amazing how some posters have never said something nasty in the heat of the moment. Such perfection in their worlds! Totally agree it wasn't a nice thing to say, but surely how he's behaved since is more telling of his actual character than a moment of nastiness? Has he apologised? Offered to try and figure out why he's snoring so much? Suggested he sleep in the spare room? Suggested OP sleep in the spare room (which is equally acceptable btw)?

Of course it's unacceptable if someone is constantly swearing at you and calling you names. But this snapshot isn't revealing any consistently nasty behaviour. Unless there's a huge backstory OP isn't telling us about, I couldn't get all worked up over an isolated incident.

Minfilia · 02/10/2021 17:52

My DH snores.

I nudge him and say “you’re snoring” and he says “I’ll go in the spare room, love you, have a nice sleep”.

Bit different to being called a fucking bitch.

Having said that it’s likely DH snores because he is overweight, so I’m not leaving my bed when it’s his issue to fix!

scarpa · 02/10/2021 19:00

He was unreasonable to call you a bitch, but YABU to have woken him up to ask him to stop doing something he probably has no immediate control over. I'd be pissed off too. And people snap when they're tired and annoyed. Unless he's got form for being mean generally, I'd accept you went about it the wrong way and then think of a plan that means you both get good sleep from now on,.

Either ask him to sleep in the spare room full stop (perfectly reasonable!) or if it's not every night, you go and sleep in there when it's bad. Waking him up in the middle of deep sleep to tell him to 'stop snoring' is ridiculous.

CaptSkippy · 02/10/2021 19:04

Wow, this has become a #WhatAboutTheMen thread.

MissMaple82 · 02/10/2021 19:33

I once got dragged out of bed by my ankles and dragged down stairs for waking a partner up for snoring - this is abuse, he has no right to swear at you and get aggressive. It's a red flag

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/10/2021 19:52

No excuse for that language. No one’s go to response should be misogynistic language- it’s telling this was his choice of words even if he was woken suddenly.

It probably would have been better if you’d just gone into the other room yourself rather than waking him though.

WhenwillSleephappen · 02/10/2021 19:52

@Rainbowheart1

I don’t know if that’s fair, what is he normally like?

I don’t ever swear at my DH and kids, ever I don’t think, but if D H wakes me I verbally abuse him and storm downstairs to the sofa. I wake up to find myself there, I don’t even know I’ve done it, we’ve been together a long time so I trust him when he says I do it, and he never reacts to me because he knows I don’t even know I’m saying it, and don’t act that way in day to day life. Some people are weird when they are woken in the night

I’m similar to this in that my husband can have a conversation with me in the night and I don’t remember in the morning.

I expect you’ve caught him in a deep sleep and he’s reacted badly & may not remember it

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/10/2021 20:03

KurtWilde

“I couldn't get all worked up over an isolated incident.“

Genuinely? (Not being sarky, just surprised to read some people saying things like this).

We’ve been married over 33 years, lived together prior to that, and my husband has never called me a bitch, let alone a fucking one.
Can’t recall ever calling him a male equivalent (whatever that would be?).

It’s just not how you speak to people you love, is it? Most certainly not over an entirely reasonable request.

lisaandalan · 02/10/2021 22:22

I would not have woken him, I would have just gone into the spare room myself. X

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 03/10/2021 07:45

Wow

Sure he was rude
You were rude first.
Just sleep separately til he sorts it out.

Polkadots2021 · 03/10/2021 08:10

@ChirpyChirp

He was out of order to call you a fucking bitch. Does he swear at you at other times or is this a one off?

Is there a reason why you woke him up rather than moving into the spare room yourself?

Are you serious Grin The only way of stopping someone snoring is to give them a nudge. It's their problem to solve, if you just buffer off to the spare room they'll never bother doing anything to fix it and you'll have set yourself up for a life of terrible sleep!!!!