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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Benefits of having only 1 child?

117 replies

TheOneTed · 01/10/2021 00:09

Shamelessly posting on AIBU for traffic.

I'm TTC and it's been nearly a year. I know others have been trying for far longer than me, but I'm starting to lose hope.

I already have one DD so know I am very lucky to have her. Please can people share positives about having one child? I always said I'd TTC for a year and then stop as I don't want it to become a huge stressful process and I am already late 30s.

Thank you in advance :)

OP posts:
RealBecca · 01/10/2021 11:41

Oh and we will always have room for her so lifelong security. We hope to afford a big house in the country by early 40s, even with working part time as one is so much cheaper.

So she will always be able to live at home or move back, or raise a family or save money, even if she has her own family so its a lifelong benefit. We are also able to save to help her with a house deposit without having to do the same for a sibling. So 50k is 50k, not 25k etc.

She will also always come first, not juggling multiple kids needs.

But only children are 100% casually stigmatised as lonely or selfish, none of which is true. Maybe because they arent always having to share? Who knows.

But making the decision to stick at 1 was the hardest part.

bookworm14 · 01/10/2021 11:50

What a lovely thread, and generally free of the usual negative only child stereotypes.

I do agree with a previous poster that it’s important to build strong social networks for your child if they are an only, and ensure they spend plenty of time with people other than their parents. I make sure my DD has a lot of playdates, and she also has cousins close in age which helps. Extracurricular activities are also good for encouraging socialising.

My reasons for stopping at one are the same as others’: lack of broodiness, more quality time to spend with DD, a calm house, plus health issues that mean I get tired very easily and am quite often unwell. I also have a sibling with severe disabilities and know that I would not be a good parent to a disabled child, so I feel it would be unwise to roll the dice again.

RealBecca · 01/10/2021 11:52

Oh and if we go out there is a 2:1 ratio so one of us can hold an adult convo while the other chats or whatever

Imatwinmum · 01/10/2021 11:57

@RealBecca

Oh and if we go out there is a 2:1 ratio so one of us can hold an adult convo while the other chats or whatever
Yes to the ratios! Our kids now outnumber us and it’s frightening!
TwinsandTrifle · 01/10/2021 12:27

But only children are 100% casually stigmatised as lonely or selfish, none of which is true. Maybe because they arent always having to share? Who knows.

They very initially are a bit more so, than siblings who have to share, or in my case, boy twin has developed an early resilience to girl twin swiping everything he touches. But this is only really in early childhood. When nursery and school starts, an potentially lonely only is then surrounded by peers. I suppose I didn't know how to share with my peers at first, but not because I was a grabby selfish child, simply that I'd never been in a position where I'd had too. I picked it up pretty quickly, it's not hard. You learn all sorts of social aspects when you start nursery etc. And with my twins, they only benefit from their specific sibling dynamic, using that exact example, girl twin will discover at nursery that most children will not be so accommodating when she just takes what they are playing with, as her brother allows.

LittleGwyneth · 01/10/2021 12:59

Some of the people I know with the closest and best relationships with their parents are only children, they still go on holiday together in their twenties and genuinely enjoy each other's company. They're also incredibly close to their cousins who are like siblings - any chance of some cousins for your DC?

FriedasFingers · 01/10/2021 13:20

I only have one. There was a point in my life when I thought I'd have none, so can honestly say I'm grateful to have one at all.

Totally agree with the cousins point, mine has two who are one year older and one year younger so they are have similar interests and mostly agree about what they want to do together. We've just moved half-way across the country to be closer to family, cousins especially so our child can have these close family relationships due to having no siblings.

And to be honest in the end our decision came down to money. We can keep our small cruddy car, only pay for one load of after school clubs, have a smaller house but live in a lovely area. We can all go out for dinner. We can scrape by while I grow my small business whilst doing 'little' jobs, therefore I'm happy focusing on creative things I love. And if Mum is happy then everyone is happy.

I see friends with more children completely stringing themselves out to afford even the most basic of 'luxuries'. Husband and I made a very conscious decision that we wanted absolutely none of that.

Plus I'm too old to have more!

Original poster
TheOneTed · 01/10/2021 13:38

I've been busy working all morning and just came on to read all of these wonderful messages, thank you so much!

For those who shared personal stories of infertility, bereavement and loneliness. I really appreciate you taking the time and am sending you hugs.

My DD does have a cousin close by and another one on the way, and they already get on so well, so hopefully they will be like siblings Smile

You've managed to make me feel excited about the possibility of only having one. I think we will still try for a little while more, but now I feel it's good either way, and I never expected to feel like that.

I think because so much of my parenting experience has been through lockdown, I've not done much holidaying/social events etc, but of course it makes sense these things are cheaper and easier, which is a real positive.

I know if I don't fall pregnant again I will look back at this thread when I'm feeling low. Thank you again.

OP posts:
AnimalGirl75 · 01/10/2021 13:52

Luxury holidays cost less - and I mean Dubai, Seychelles etc... You can fit in two a year.

TwinsandTrifle · 01/10/2021 14:12

Luxury holidays cost less - and I mean Dubai, Seychelles etc... You can fit in two a year.

This with bells on. With just DS we were all over the world, long haul, luxury. Usually business class. Holidays were amazing.

DTwins haven't been anywhere, mainly through covid. And now we can travel, they're about to turn two so they need a bloody seat each as opposed to the last couple of years where they could have sat on our laps or airline bassinets. Eg. Before: Took just me and DS to Mexico. Ten days. 5* hotel, loads of incredible excursions, bus class. Came to a few thousand. Not cheap. Not coil over in horror expensive. To replicate that, same hotel (instantly need a bigger room), same excursions, same flights with DS, DH, me and DTwins? Could literally buy a new range rover for the same.

We will take DTwins on these kind of trips one day. Probably once every three or four years. DS went twice a year. Plus holidays in Europe.

DTwins will get to know France very well for the foreseeable Grin

byvirtue · 01/10/2021 15:20

We’ve reached a point where people are actually offering to have our DD overnight, we don’t even ask! Husband and I have lots of weekends booked up thanks to not just family but friends too.

I have naturally gravitated into friendships with other mums of only children and it’s so easy to arrange play dates, trips out to the theatre etc and everything is age appropriate.

I was on the fence about having a second and the older she gets the more thankful I am to have stopped at one. I’m a much better parent to one than I would be to two (plus!).

Wegobshite · 01/10/2021 15:20

My DS is an only , he’s 27 now and I think the benefits of being an only child can sometimes outweigh having extra siblings
I did make sure that from an early age he went to nursery and holiday clubs so plenty of socialising with other children .

Money - & Time - I had plenty of both to give him for extra stuff at school holidays
I was able do pay for extra lessons as he is dyslexic
Amazing holidays to places that if I had more than 1 we would have never done .
I was able to buy him his first car and he has just got a big inheritance of mine to enable him to get his first house which he probably wouldn’t have got if I had more than one child .
I’ve made sure that he has a strong bond with my sisters kids and the rest of the family growing up as well

TiddleTaddleTat · 01/10/2021 15:33

Originally planned for two, but stopped at 1 DC and very glad I did too. Financially it wouldn't have been viable to have more, and would have resulted in much more stress for all of us, less desirable area etc etc.

Getawaywithit · 01/10/2021 15:47

The benefits for me as an only child were very much related to finances and whilst they could never be considered rich or even well off, every spare penny was made available to me at times when I needed it. I did have the terrible, terrible job of managing my mum with dementia and of doing that alone but I do recognise that even with siblings, I still might have had to do it alone.

There are pros and cons and I am very much of the ilk that life is what it is and you have to make the best of it.

upinaballoon · 01/10/2021 16:09

As Getawaywithit said, there are pros and cons, and life is what it is and you have to make the best of it. (pause) And even if the parents haven't got much to leave you, you don't have to share it with siblings when they go. I'm being flippant but it's true.

Imatwinmum · 01/10/2021 16:10

@TwinsandTrifle

Luxury holidays cost less - and I mean Dubai, Seychelles etc... You can fit in two a year.

This with bells on. With just DS we were all over the world, long haul, luxury. Usually business class. Holidays were amazing.

DTwins haven't been anywhere, mainly through covid. And now we can travel, they're about to turn two so they need a bloody seat each as opposed to the last couple of years where they could have sat on our laps or airline bassinets. Eg. Before: Took just me and DS to Mexico. Ten days. 5* hotel, loads of incredible excursions, bus class. Came to a few thousand. Not cheap. Not coil over in horror expensive. To replicate that, same hotel (instantly need a bigger room), same excursions, same flights with DS, DH, me and DTwins? Could literally buy a new range rover for the same.

We will take DTwins on these kind of trips one day. Probably once every three or four years. DS went twice a year. Plus holidays in Europe.

DTwins will get to know France very well for the foreseeable Grin

Ahh this is me! I dream of travelling but imagine the sheer horror of taking twins plus my eldest to somewhere like Maldives (not that we could afford 5 tickets!). We’ve got family in Dubai but would need to bring in aunties as reinforcement to make it through the flight. 🤣
UniBallEye · 01/10/2021 16:12

@TwinsandTrifle you mentioned about the sharing /selfish thing and I have to say that has not been our experience at all!

DD didn't have any trouble sharing, even when she was tiny. We always shared with her and she shared with us. When other kids came over she was always happy to see them and shared willingly (too willingly at times -eager to give them everything!)

As I said earlier in the thread, the kids less keen on sharing naturally came from families with siblings where enforced sharing was the norm and they made a grab for toys / treats etc because they could

UniBallEye · 01/10/2021 16:13

We've travelled extensively with dd too, both long and short haul and it's fantastic.

ohdelay · 01/10/2021 16:16

I've got one child. He gets the best me and I can put in the extra effort/attention/time/money as he's an only. This is probably more a me thing as I don't think I am a naturally motherly person.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/10/2021 16:18

I couldnt afford more than one as a single parent. Childcare was too much.
He's 40 now and very happy being the only one, I've been able to help him get him a house, he has never wanted a brother or sister and has loads of friends.
He's got younger cousins for his old age. And of course he will inherit both mine and his fathers money so has a retirement fund.

Deliaskis · 01/10/2021 16:21

Agree also about sharing....it's a bit of an only child trope that I haven't seen much in real life. DD has several only child friends and they have never had to squabble over their toys, so very often see no reason not to share them.

Icecreamsoda99 · 01/10/2021 16:22

More time and more money. I have a short temper which I work hard on to control but if I had more than one child to parent I'm worried I'd easily become a shouty/angry mum.

I also think that when people say how lonely they were as onlies they are from a different generation and parenting trends now are very different. An older friend of mine who warns me a lot about how lonely she was had a highly anxious mother who never let her doing any after school clubs, or play out on the street or go out with friends, so it's not wonder she was lonely! Not long ago there was still the idea that children were expected to fit in to their parents world and now things are so much more child focused.

fournonblondes · 01/10/2021 16:53

Less drama in the house. Some siblings argue a lot 🤣

Lavender24 · 01/10/2021 17:00

We have a three year old DD and aren't having any more for a variety of reasons. I had a very bad pregnancy, have birth injuries and really didn't enjoy the baby years but also

  • We aren't rich by any means but I am able to buy her things as and when I want. If we had another we'd have to budget.
  • We want to help her with things such a house deposit when she's older and help her out lots with her own kids if she has any
  • I always (and still do) feel that my brother was the favourite and I don't want her to feel that way
  • She'll get more one on one attention from us both and we can go on family days out without having to think about bringing a pram along
  • We have more space in the house only having one child and we are able to keep hamsters in large enclosures in the spare room which she loves
PumpkinPie2016 · 01/10/2021 17:02

I have a 7 year old DS and I love only having him.

No trying to juggle different children's needs/hobbies, enough money to spend on him and have a rainy day pot, plenty of one to one time, I can give lots of support with homework. If we wanted to, we could send him to private school for secondary.

He wasn't an easy baby but I just love the stage we are at. We can enjoy a meal out with him, he loves our yearly trip to the lakes and doing long walks.

Our house is peaceful, no sibling fighting.

I am one of 3 and actually very close to my brother, less so to my sister but of course, I love her. It may just have been our situation but I do feel there was very limited time and attention when I was a child. Funds were often limited and with 3 kids, some things were just not possible.

I wouldn't change having one for anything Grin