Benefits of having only 1 child?

[TheOneTed]

Shamelessly posting on AIBU for traffic.

I'm TTC and it's been nearly a year. I know others have been trying for far longer than me, but I'm starting to lose hope.

I already have one DD so know I am very lucky to have her. Please can people share positives about having one child? I always said I'd TTC for a year and then stop as I don't want it to become a huge stressful process and I am already late 30s.

Thank you in advance :)

It’s generally much quieter with one. If you like quiet, then this is something to bear in mind!

I agree with all the pros mentioned here, and haven’t really seen any of the cons. Just not being pulled in two or more directions is a good feeling; you can focus on their interests and explore lots of different things with them.

My DH and I are both from big families and get on fine with most of our siblings but knew straight away we only wanted one child. The only thing I wonder if my teenager is lacking is the chance to mouth off about her parents to a sibling, or confide in them her secrets. But I never did this, and neither did my DH, so I imagine she probably gets enough of this from her friends.

Seeing siblings fight and squabble sets my teeth on edge. People say only children don’t learn to moderate their behaviour but I see it completely the other way. Not having an “instant friend” at home has made mine very aware of how to behave (ie she has to put some effort in!) and she is a really good calming influence on some of her friends that are sets of siblings as she’s able to see situations from two sides.

@WellTidy

It’s generally much quieter with one. If you like quiet, then this is something to bear in mind!

Oh yeah this a major benefit too!

I think lots of us get hung up on idyllic visions of gatherings of grandchildren and adult children and panic about being alone when we get older, instead of focussing on reality. I had a second child when my DD was three and she never got my full attention back in the same way. It just wasn't possible. And they bicker all the time. Two kids happily playing as best friends isn't often my reality!

I am one of three, and the reality of lots of people can be a lot more stressful than it sounds. Adult siblings don't always happily get on. DM also seemed to run out of energy for active grandparenting by the time mine came along. I also feel huge stress at the burden of having to stop her from feeling lonely now my Dad has died. I hope I don't put the same pressure on my kids.

I get the pull of another baby though, but your reality sounds 100% lovely.

It's only me and my daughter (and our many pets ) in the house and we are extremely close and she's my best friend. I share everything with her like she was a mate and I love movie nights/going out on weekends/holidays together just the two of us. We always have a lot of fun. As a huge bonus of only having one child, I have more money to spend on her. She is at a private school, we have a dog, a pony and I can take her away on random short breaks.

Honestly, try to enjoy the time with your DD. She may be your best mate in a few short years

I have 3 (all boys) and really wish, secretly, that id stopped at one.

Two of mine re now at Uni and there's one at home. I love only having one to look after (along with DH), he gets my full attention, time and money. We have become very close. The house is A LOT cleaner and tidier, I am not constantly food shopping. I feel calmer and less anxious. I am no longer a constant taxi driver, cook, washer woman, shopper, referee, cash machine, etc with no time to myself.

I really envy people who have only one child.

Oh, and I have a younger brother and I must say my parents definitely favour him and he turned out to be a bloody genius (Cambridge/Harvard) and I'm the disappointment in comparison. I'm very proud of him, but the bugger definitely stole my parents' focus

We've only ever wanted one, and feel very blessed to have him. Our pros are
Financially we can do more
Now he's older we have some more of our lives back
More time for him
We don't need a bigger house
We're able to give him a lot of experiences that we wouldn't be able to had we had a second child

I had just DS for 11yrs. Then DTwins. So I've had an only for as long as I can remember and suddenly what seems to be 45 children.

Good and bad:

DS:

Has travelled the world. Private schools. Easy to get childcare for one, essentially did as I pleased. Only one set of everything to buy (and store). First grandchild, parents went nuts. He just slotted into life.

DTwins:

I love having them. With such an age gap I'm so lucky they turned out to be twins as it would have been akin to raising two onlys with DS11 and a baby. I love that I'll have a big family with more grandchildren, but unless DTwins have their kids pretty young, I'll probably be dead before grandchildren from them reach 10. Yes I do have a favourite and they are DTwins, but mainly because DS has SEN but as my first, had nothing to compare him too, now I see just how insanely hard he was to raise, in comparison to how easy and joyful DTwins are. I didn't know any different at the time, but now I can see he virtually broke me, and it was often getting through the day, not enjoying it. I can't believe the difference with DTwins, who technically should be twice as hard, and exhausting me now I'm ten years older. They're a dream in comparison. DS is now a teen and that toddler time is thankfully behind us. It's because of how hard he was, I thought bugger having two of these, and wondered why on earth other people put themselves through it and how they coped. I didn't realise he had SEN until he was 7. Wasn't diagnosed until 10.

But:

DTwins mean we had to buy new car. Now having to buy bigger house. Double nursery fees. Don't underestimate the constant cost. No one offers to look after two toddlers, as it's a real skill to look after twins when you've only been used to one. Nappies again. Chunky plastic crap all over the house in form of trikes and playbenches and toyboxes. Clothes. Bottles. A nursery run and a school run to juggle. Have to work on my figure for the first time, where as I pinged back after DS. Extra tickets for everything cost a blimmin fortune. Days out that would have been £30, now seem to be £100 with the extra tickets, snacks, pair of wellies and cagaoules. We'll have three universities to pay for, three weddings, three house deposits, whereas DS would have been living like little Lord Fauntleroy and set up for life if things weren't now being split three ways.

There are pros and cons. I love my big family now. I wish I'd had DTwins ten years ago. I want more now I've experienced the joy I have with DTwins, but I'd be doing it for selfish reasons, with 3 children already and my age.

My honest advice, if you're older too, is that one wonderful DD is perfect. And I'm thinking of the children, just because you can go on to have triplets at 52, doesn't mean you always should. If you have another, it might be nice. If you don't, it's not a terrible thing.

Whatever happens, be kind to yourself and enjoy your DD

No accusations of favouritism
More time, money and energy for your DD

Will your DD have cousins of a similar age?

I'm one of 3 siblings and we are all very close to one another and wanted that close family bond for our own children, but for different reasons 2 of the 3 have only been able to have one child, whilst the other has multiple. However, the group of cousins are all very close and loving (although obviously they don't see each other every day) and its a pretty good approximation of the sibling experience.

Meanwhile the 2 cousins who are only-children are going to excellent independent secondary schools whereas the larger family who could have afforded that for 1 child but not for 3 are running themselves ragged trying to find a way to escape having to use the pretty awful catchment comp.

It's just awesome. Well, for us anyway!
Some of the reasons why:

I'm not the best at organisational stuff. I find one child pushes me to my limit in that regard, organising play dates, sleepovers, parties, school schedules, after school clubs, out of school clubs... the list is endless and I find it quite overwhelming. With more than one child I would really struggle.

Me and husband have more time to devote to our hobbies that are VERY important to us both and quite time consuming. Therefore we don't feel as guilty leaving the other one holding the fort at home.

I love that we can be spontaneous. It's so easy to take one child somewhere, anywhere in fact, with minimal fuss

More money - can afford private school, work part time etc. We can afford to say yes to pretty much anything they want to do (whilst being mindful not to spoil them!)

Our house has a lovely energy about it with the 3 of us (plus an assortment of pets) but is also chilled with no arguments (apart from occasional ones with DH!)

I feel secure for the future, knowing that we will be able to help our child relatively easily with things like university, car, house deposit etc and we will still be able to retire early.

What's interesting is that a high proportion of our friends have stuck with one child. I'd say more than 1/3 of our child school year are also only children. Whenever we're out and about I see lots of parents with just one child. So it does seem to be rapidly gaining popularity. Obviously there will be some people who sadly cannot have anymore children but for a lot of people I think it's an active choice.

I'm sorry that you've not (as yet) been able to have any more but our personal experience has been nothing but positive, so it may be something that you can actively embrace?

We really wanted two, but endometriosis put paid to that.
Most of the people I know who have 2 DC, the DCs are totally different and don't get on, so no benefit of having a sibling. Amusingly- to me - a lot of DPs I know with two have to rent 3 bedroom properties as the siblings refuse to share. Instead we invite one of DSs friends to come with us so he has company he enjoys.

Now DS is a teen, life is pretty easy. One DP needed for rugby lifts etc. etc. and other can do their own thing.

It's less expensive too as don't need huge car for everyone. Or at least it was until DH decided to complete our family with rookiedog which is like having a perennial toddler for a large number of years.

Before the "lonely only" moaners pile on here:

Less stress
More money
More time, for you AND your child
Only children develop a really unique, close bond with their parents

I'm an only and am raising only child DS. Wouldn't have it any other way.

I was chatting with a 27 year old last week about having children. She said l only want one as l am an only child and l have absolutely loved my life and l want my child to have exactly the same. She sounded so happy and content with her lot.

I have one DD12 and I always felt like I'd have more but just hasn't worked out for me. But! We have the best time together, nice holidays, she also does numerous activities, and I can give her my time. I also think about helping her in the future financially will be easier. She used to ask for a sibling when she was about 5 but now she just is like now way!
You mention grandchildren - I am one of 4 and she is the only grandchild so it doesn't always mean more grandkids! X

More money for all the things that you need to raise a child You make more effort to socialise so that they have friends to play with when they are young. No bickering with siblings No sibling rivalry when older. A close relationship where you have more time to spend with them I loved it

We never actually planned to just have one, but now we're all (including DS) really happy with it.

As well as all of the above, we find that it's more of an 'equal' relationship of three people rather than a divided them (kids) and us (parents) situation. Of course, we parents are in charge and we don't treat him like another adult - and his needs and (often) preferences come first.

Being the focus of two adults who are both looking out for your best interests, putting only you first and not needing to consider any other children along with you is a very nice position to be in.

plus thinking well into the future..financially speaking..supporting with driving lessons, first car, supporting through university, first property, help with wedding

Yes - and thinking even longer term than that, although it can be difficult having to arrange the second funeral and the aftermath all by yourself (although you'd hope they would have a supportive spouse to help them by then), inheritance is straightforward (assuming there is an inheritance and no care fees etc). If you have five children, they will have to get together to sort and sell your house, probably with a lot of disagreement and many joint decisions to have to make, and end up with a decent chunk of money each; if you just have one, once the second parent has gone, an entire house is simply theirs to do whatever they want with in their own good time - move in themselves, rent it out, give it to their own child(ren) to live in, sell it, whatever.

Yes to the cousins thing. I'm an only. My cousins are all siblings.

Our parents, similar people and incomes. I did everything I wanted, not through being spoiled but more, there was no " you can't do that dance class that's the night Fred does his football". I went on more holidays. But company wise, all of us lived within walking distance so I was never lonely, so I had the benefits of someone to play with.

I am an only.

My parents both managed to sustain and be successful in interesting careers and I was “always along for the ride” so got to experience lots and go to cool places all through childhood.
I got a lot of attention and time dedicated to things I liked and wanted to do.
I grew up incredibly close to my parents and had lots of cousins and friends so never grew up lonely.
My parents had fewer outgoings so I grew up in a beautiful house in a beautiful area.
I had lots of financial help when young to buy first property.
I hate the only is lonely and onlies are selfish narrative that you sometimes hear - I’ve always maintained good friendships and relationship.
My mum sadly died when I was in my early 20’s which was obviously AWFUL but it’s meant that myself and my dad are so close and we got through it together. I don’t think a sibling would have made it easier if you see what I mean - it was a tough situation no matter what.

Dd i(13) is not bothered about being the only as she knows she gets more resources (money, attention etc). If we had two then one of them would have a tiny bedroom and I would not have a space to work so we probably would have to live somewhere else. She might have to face looking after us when we are old but then my brother moved to the other side of the world so I was in this situation anyway.

There are so many benefits.
No bickering, no worrying if you are spending similar amounts at Christmas or birthday or checking amount of presents match, no worries about clashing activities and obviously having more money to spend on holidays and extra curricular activities.
I never intended to have one child but it's worked out great. I am one of 5 and although I get on well with my siblings, it's honestly too many people. Every meet up or gathering is too chaotic for my liking.

I have two children now but my first was an only child for 4.5 years. While I'm very happy we were able to have another child I'm also confident he would have had a rich and fulfilling childhood, and life, as an only child.

My dd said that her friends said she was the 'mum' of the group, which she found a bit annoying but it is because she is the one always trying to look after the rest so she is not in any way spoiled or selfish. She is self contained though and able to entertain herself and enjoys her own company as well.

We have an only child, now a teen and we would not have it any other way. She has never, ever wanted a sibling. I see the main advantages as:
lots of one to one time with us
plenty of funds to allow her to pursue her interests
travelled the world
has met and spent time with lots of interesting people through our work
We've shared the childcare absolutely equally & she has never been to a childminder / creche, which suited us
she is independent, feisty, clever, funny, interesting, emotionally mature and has a really wide circle of friends

I read lots of casual prejudices about 'only children' on here, particularly about them being selfish or badly behaved because they are on their own and I have to say it is absolutely not borne out by my direct observations.

Over the years of having many of dds friends in and out of the house I have noticed that the kids who have acted the worst are from families with several kids - they tended to snatch / grab snacks or treats (perhaps because they were used to siblings getting there before them if they didn't move fast enough?). Middle children were often bossy / attention seeking, trying to control the friendship dynamic by being the 'boss' etc

It's fascinating to watch. Anyway we're a very very happy family of 3 and couldn't imagine life any other way