Benefits of having only 1 child?

[TheOneTed]

Shamelessly posting on AIBU for traffic.

I'm TTC and it's been nearly a year. I know others have been trying for far longer than me, but I'm starting to lose hope.

I already have one DD so know I am very lucky to have her. Please can people share positives about having one child? I always said I'd TTC for a year and then stop as I don't want it to become a huge stressful process and I am already late 30s.

Thank you in advance :)

Thank you to all the contributors.

Our final IVF recently failed and my toddler will be an only.

I’m wracked with guilt for DC and this has made me feel better.

I was an only until 11 and with that age gap you could argue have always been an only.

It wasn’t a happy childhood and was a driving factor in wanting 2nd child, but I’ve come to realise that’s due to my parents and not being an only.

No bickering.
No having to make sure everything is fair*.
You can do things you'd never be able to do with two, because you can move on when they get bored without the other being annoyed because they were still interested.
You don't have to think "can we afford it for both of them" when deciding about things like private schooling or hobbies.
No juggling ferrying one kid to a party and another to swimming at the same time. Child-free time during the parties!
Occasional childcare needs easily fixed with a playdate.
Easy to return the favour, and don't have to make sure all kids get fair share of having friends for tea.
Friend coming for tea will always fit in the car.
No sibling comparisons (spoken or not).

*Life is still unfair, though, when you're the only person in the household who is not allowed to help themselves to biscuits without asking.

I think having a sibling would have helped in the pandemic, but DD is quite happy to be an only.

I have an only and agree with the reasons everyone has listed.I don't regret my decision at all.

Obviously everyone’s circumstances are different, but DD is 3, and we are stopping at one for a whole variety of reasons:

• Neither of us especially likes chaos or the feeling of constantly being pulled in different directions. With DD we can be more organised, devote our full attention to her and ensure she has everything she needs. We are definitely less frazzled than our fiends with multiple DC.

• Much easier logistically and financially with things like holidays and days out. We love travel and (Covid aside) we can afford to be adventurous and take DD to some amazing places, which most wouldn’t be possible for us with 2+ DC.

• As older parents we feel like we’ve lucked out with one happy, healthy DC and don’t want to tempt fate by rolling the dice again for another child. Several friends in the same boat have done this and ended up with a second child with additional needs (in one case profound and life limiting). We feel very lucky as we are.

• I’ve been fortunate to be able to step back from my career while DD is tiny but I do want to return to work and will need to retrain once she starts school. With another DC this would push my career plans into the long grass and realistically I’d probably never return to work properly.

• The fact that we don’t need a huge house means we can afford to move into the catchment area for decent schools, think about what kind of lifestyle we want for DD etc.

• More down time for each of us. DD was a high needs baby (severe reflux, colic, non-sleeper) and the first couple of years were intense, but she’s now a very easy-going, good-natured preschooler and we feel like we have our lives back a little. Really don’t want to be plunged back into the baby stage again, and our household now feels very calm and ‘democratic’, with everyone getting to do the things they enjoy.

• Obviously nothing is entirely predictable but with just one it does feel as if we’ll be able to provide her with the best possible resources and opportunities in what looks to be an increasingly uncertain and unequal world.

We are very happy as a family of three (plus pets). DP and I both have one sibling but while we enjoyed our childhoods and there’s no animosity there we’re not close as adults, and my brother now lives on a different continent. We do have a few friends who are living out the idealised ‘best buddies’ sibling scenario (all have children close in age and of the same sex), but they are in a very small minority - bickering and rivalry is definitely more the norm!

I'm an only child and although it's just my personal experience and not a general truth, I was desperate for a sibling and still am. It can be bit lonely unless you have a large extended family, which I don't. And as a child of immigrants I had a lot of work to do in terms of finding friends and feeling a sense of belonging. I really craved the large family experience even though I know the reality is not always great of course. I would have happily had less holidays etc in exchange. And I felt very vulnerable and worried about bad things happening to my parents. That's why I want to have more than one if possible. But otherwise, I think making the effort to build a strong and consistent network of friends and extended family would really benefit an only child.

I have a 3 year old and have just had twins. I of course don’t regret them and never will, I adore them but I already miss the one to one time with DD. I feel like I missed out a year of her life with pregnancy.

My body is ruined this time around, I’ve gained 4 stone.

Money! We have a 4 bed, but with just one we would have been able to buy DD a house/ car/ possibly private school if she wanted and endless adventures.

Holidays. I dream of going back to Thailand, Sydney, Paris, Florence and taking her with me. I still plan to do nice holidays someday but it will be kids package holidays for a long time. Plus I doubt we’d be able to go every year.

Dates with DH or going away together. Going out to dinner, investing in our relationship. Can’t imagine we will have many opportunities! We are passing ships at the moment.

Spending money on clothes! Or just on myself. Hair/ nails/ makeup. I love spending money on myself. .. but I will always put my babies first.

I have two and want a third but I can definitely see the advantages of having one.
The biggest one for me is time. My eldest is 5 and is getting really interested in all sorts of things. I would love to really explore his interests, play with him more and go on days out that are easier with just one. Also foreign holidays would be possible and easier. His best friend is an 'only' and I'm amazed at how much his parents know about him, how closely they follow his education and the thought that can go into their weekend plans rather than just managing chaos and refereeing.
Also they dont need to divide and conquer, but equally they can get time alone if they want to pursue other interests.

Having said that, now I have two I want a third as in my mind I've already lost the benefits of having one and a third wont change that but will give the other one someone to play with when I spend time with the other.
There is no right way to have a family, but I can definitely see the huge advantages in sticking at one.

I feel really guilty writing that! Just to clarify again I wouldn’t change my beautiful babies but I can see the benefits of one.

I have a friend who can only have one, her little girl is lovely and they are very happy as a 3.

DH is an only and is the most dependable, caring, kind, clever person I know.

We have an only and it's perfect for us. Some advantages:

• you only ever go forwards, as they get older and you can 'do' more (e.g. holiday activities, restaurants, enjoying the same TV programmes, family events), sports that we now do together, you never then have to go back to the nappies and pram stage. Every achievement is a step forward.

• Arranging holidays, travel etc. much easier and cheaper.

• We get time for ourselves. And she gets our attention. And....a big one for me actually....my career has taken off since DD was about 2 and I don't think I would have had the focus or the energy for that if I then had more children. And I love my job and find it incredibly rewarding. I can do this and still have time for everything DD needs.

• She gets learns to be independent and self-sufficient....sometimes has to amuse herself and at 10 is a pretty expert creator and editor of videos.

• We can 'indulge' in her interests in a way that would be more difficult with more. E.g. she has a pony and competes at the weekend and it takes a lot of time and energy. With siblings, that would be difficult if not impossible, she might get one weekly riding lesson....we wouldn't change for the world what we have been able to provide.

• It's easy to ask for support when we need it, my Mum and Dad are of an age where they would struggle to look after a younger child for us now, but DD is 'no trouble at all'...they tell me, so we can go out if we want etc.

• This could sound like she's spoilt....I hope she isn't...but when she asks for anything, we only ever have to consider that request on its own merits, not compared with others or other things that are happening...e.g. can a friend sleep over, can I go to xyz event, can I have a new item of clothing....we can just say yes or no, and no worrying about 'well sibling will want one too', or 'we will be setting a precedent for sleepovers' etc.

@KellyABC

I'm an only child and although it's just my personal experience and not a general truth, I was desperate for a sibling and still am. It can be bit lonely unless you have a large extended family, which I don't. And as a child of immigrants I had a lot of work to do in terms of finding friends and feeling a sense of belonging. I really craved the large family experience even though I know the reality is not always great of course. I would have happily had less holidays etc in exchange. And I felt very vulnerable and worried about bad things happening to my parents. That's why I want to have more than one if possible. But otherwise, I think making the effort to build a strong and consistent network of friends and extended family would really benefit an only child.

Did you not read the bit where OP said that she could not have another child?! She asked for positives to cheer her up. What is the point of telling her about negatives when she can’t change her situation? That’s really unkind.

That sounded a bit like I referred my second, that's not the case at all. I love having two but can see the huge benefits in one as well.

*regretted

I was an only until I was 10, when my brother was born.

After that, all family outings had to be things that a much younger child would appreciate, so no trips to museums, galleries, stuff like that. And he used to trash my stuff, the little fucker!

I also used to be expected to "keep an eye on" him while DM got on with cooking dinner and stuff, and I was shit at that. I'd have my nose in a book and look up to discover he'd got hold of something he shouldn't have or was doing something dangerous.

A friend who teaches 5 & 6 year olds reckons that only children come to school with much wider vocabulary, she presumes because they've spent so much time talking to adults, are more confident and more focussed.

@TempsPerdu

Obviously everyone’s circumstances are different, but DD is 3, and we are stopping at one for a whole variety of reasons:

• Neither of us especially likes chaos or the feeling of constantly being pulled in different directions. With DD we can be more organised, devote our full attention to her and ensure she has everything she needs. We are definitely less frazzled than our fiends with multiple DC.

• Much easier logistically and financially with things like holidays and days out. We love travel and (Covid aside) we can afford to be adventurous and take DD to some amazing places, which most wouldn’t be possible for us with 2+ DC.

• As older parents we feel like we’ve lucked out with one happy, healthy DC and don’t want to tempt fate by rolling the dice again for another child. Several friends in the same boat have done this and ended up with a second child with additional needs (in one case profound and life limiting). We feel very lucky as we are.

• I’ve been fortunate to be able to step back from my career while DD is tiny but I do want to return to work and will need to retrain once she starts school. With another DC this would push my career plans into the long grass and realistically I’d probably never return to work properly.

• The fact that we don’t need a huge house means we can afford to move into the catchment area for decent schools, think about what kind of lifestyle we want for DD etc.

• More down time for each of us. DD was a high needs baby (severe reflux, colic, non-sleeper) and the first couple of years were intense, but she’s now a very easy-going, good-natured preschooler and we feel like we have our lives back a little. Really don’t want to be plunged back into the baby stage again, and our household now feels very calm and ‘democratic’, with everyone getting to do the things they enjoy.

• Obviously nothing is entirely predictable but with just one it does feel as if we’ll be able to provide her with the best possible resources and opportunities in what looks to be an increasingly uncertain and unequal world.

We are very happy as a family of three (plus pets). DP and I both have one sibling but while we enjoyed our childhoods and there’s no animosity there we’re not close as adults, and my brother now lives on a different continent. We do have a few friends who are living out the idealised ‘best buddies’ sibling scenario (all have children close in age and of the same sex), but they are in a very small minority - bickering and rivalry is definitely more the norm!

Lovely post and very much echoes our situation and thought process, especially the rolling of the dice as a lucky older parent who had a healthy child.

I've an only dd9 (couldn't have anymore). Despite the initial grief and guilt, I am so pleased with how things have turned out. It's amazing parenting one and I love being able to give her all my love and attention. Pros for me are:

-we are so close. She is so loving and no fighting over who gets to have all the cuddles on the sofa :-)
-life is easy. We have a happy, fun and calm home . No sibling rivalry
-I can afford to work part time and term time only. I do also run my own practice on the side but flexibly and from home
-holidays don't cost a bomb
-only 1set of activities to work around. Dd does a sport competitively which means out of house 3 evenings per week
-can have her friends over whenever
-when she has a sleepover at cousins or friends house dh and I get a bonus night off!
-will be able to afford to help her set herself up when she's an adult- university, car and house deposit etc

My dd does have cousins of a similar age (who we relocated to be nearer) so she's never lonely. I think having a support network is hugely important.

DP and I are both the eldest of two, and we were both well behaved children while our our siblings were more challenging. It makes sense to us to stop after the well behaved first child and not have the naughty younger one

Our ds is an only and he loves it and so do we. It wasn’t planned for him to be an only child but to be honest we are so pleased he is, life is simpler and he just slotted right in. It is not us and the kids it is just our little trio.

Advantages:
We have never needed a babysitter, family argue over who has him and I have loads of friends who would have him at the drop of a hat

To be honest we don’t need a babysitter that much as it’s so easy to take him with us and fun. Recently we went to an event and thought bugger it let’s make it into a 2 night event. We got a hotel (so much easier to fit just one child in a standard room) we indulged him in his love of trying fine dining restaurants and at the event he got to try so many different activities which just wouldn’t have been possible with more and it meant while he was doing the activities we could enjoy watching him and taking a million photos and not being distracted by siblings running off etc. He really appreciates us being able to watch him doing activities and it means we can always go to everything and give him our full attention.

You don’t have to worry about keeping different ages happy and you can tailor make days out to just stuff they love so no moaning just pure enjoyment for all and it’s so much fun planning a day out with quirky things they adore and favourite restaurants etc.

No making sure presents at Christmas. Friends have such a hard time making both cost but also size of the pile look equal but with ours we just buy what we want sometimes we spend a lot sometimes less it just depends what he has asked for but there is no worrying about fairness.

He can do all the activities he wants both in terms of time and money. We still struggle to fit everything in but I would have to really limit him if he had more. It also means our weekend don’t feel like one constant taxi service between activities. There is still time for us to relax and enjoy our weekends.

Private school, the experiences he gets are incredible and we couldn’t afford to send more than one. Also with school it is easy to keep up with what nights he has what prep and who is best friend is or who is the sworn enemy that week, put extra effort into dress up costumes etc. It is also easier to host and take him to play dates. With only one if you doing something where it would be nice for him to be with another child then people with multiples are normally very pleased for you to borrow their child for day particularly if it is to do something they would be difficult for them to do with siblings in tow. As they are friends rather than siblings they are the same age and generally don’t fight like siblings so it is less stressful.

Our ds has never asked for a sibling and is really proud to be an only child and regularly points out the reasons why to us and others.

I would say the only thing I find is some milestones. It’s the silly thing but when he is out of his last car seat it feels like a big thing and when you realise you don’t have a toddler anymore and the next one I am waiting for is not believing in Father Christmas which I will find hard but to be honest if I had 4 I still think I would find those things hard work with the youngest reaching them.

Also no comparisons....I do remember both my sister and I being miserable at various times about comparing our achievements or experiences....even if it's not said in such a way, it is felt. DD gets to be who she is and we celebrate that in its own right. Also....I spent many years at high school being referred to as 'xxx's sister'.

Oooh....also our home is fun but relatively calm and quiet and relaxed....it doesn't ever really feel chaotic in the way that other parents often feel.

Fit the whole family round the dinner table easily at Christmas in the future.

Fewer chances to have ILs you don't like foisted on you.

I'm not a people person, and the realisation that multiple children would result in potentially even more grandchildren/ILs than I could manage was a revelation!

@HaveringWavering I didn't mean to be unkind, it's just that not many people commenting here seem to be only children, and I think that other perspectives might be valuable. I really feel that if you have an only child, it's important to make sure they have some more people in their life than just the parent/parents and that building a consistent social life for the kid is way more important than some of the benefits that people are talking about here e.g. more money and holidays. That's my experience - and my fertility issues also mean that having more than one kid is very difficult.

I know it's silly to think as my DD is only 3 , but I've always liked the idea of lots of grandchildren.

I'm an only child who now has five DC. My mum isn't lacking in DGC compared to her friends and siblings.

As equal parents we share the load rather than always having 1 each, loads of 1 to 1 time, kid gets all the opportunities. Not sibling rivalry. No worry that one sibling may need to be responsible for the other when older. One means we can afford to give a good inheritance and afford our own care if needed without burdening her.

I don't know any families who chose to have 1 that regret it.

Kids aren't owed a sibling.

On balance the chance of two+ growing up seemed unlikely as i know more people who dont like, see or closely socialise with their own siblings. 3+ seemed more likely and we didnt want 3.

We love being a family of 3.

The main benefit for me is we all love it. Dd says often she loves it and we can do everything for her, with her, lots of clubs etc. She does more clubs than I could do with another. I love the quiet too, so does she, win win.

@KellyABC I was very conscious of this too so my daughter does lots of clubs mainly dance and has a great group from there, she has lots of cousins and is close to her grandparents too. She is also quite close to some of her friends parents so has other adults in her life who can support her.