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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think the bar for men is low?

99 replies

CecilieRose · 30/09/2021 19:51

Inspired by the post about 'decent men', this question has come to my mind.

I follow a woman on Instagram who did a shoutout post to her boyfriend last weekend for cancelling his plans so she could go to the doctor about the mastitis she was suffering from because of breastfeeding. She called him a 'hero'.

Like, honestly? This is where the bar is these days? A man is a hero for cancelling plans to watch sport in the pub to look after his OWN CHILD while his partner is at the doctor? What on earth was he thinking even going to the pub all day with a sick partner and six-week-old baby at home?

She was also raving about how great he was for 'helping' carry the baby out of the hospital when they were taking him home. She'd just given birth and had a long and awful labour - he's a 6'4 huge man! And there she was acting as if he's some god for carrying his own child in a car seat.

It makes me want to weep with how little so many women put up with. And not only put up with, but think is great, and boast about. I find it genuinely a bit pathetic and also wonder what on earth they've put up with in the past to think the absolute bare minimum is 'amazing'.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Ozanj · 30/09/2021 19:53

I would feel sorry for her. The fact that she’s raving over non-achievements but mean their home life is pretty shit

HopingForOurRainbowBaby · 30/09/2021 19:54

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't it sort of traditional for the Baby's Father to carry them out of the hospital?!

SylvanasWindrunner · 30/09/2021 19:55

YANBU but women in dysfunctional or shitty relationships leap on tiny things their partners do and make so much of them because they just happen so infrequently. It's pretty sad.

I remember my friend raving for ages about how wonderful her boyfriend was because he'd given her a lift 10 mins down the road to go and see her dying mother. He was an utter shit, but she jumped on this tiny thing as evidence that he wasn't.

Dizzywizz · 30/09/2021 19:55

This is so odd though…surely someone will cal her out on this??

Anonymous48 · 30/09/2021 19:56

I don't understand why you would follow some random pathetic woman on Instagram.

Some women's bars are definitely too low, but I hope it's not common.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 30/09/2021 19:56

@Ozanj

I would feel sorry for her. The fact that she’s raving over non-achievements but mean their home life is pretty shit

Yes i agree.

My mum once was raving about a man we met doing his daughter’s hair and taking his children on holiday.

BakingOfTheFoodCats · 30/09/2021 19:56

Yes it is, an example is I Am a single mum to 4 children my ex isn’t involved and I do everything alone, I don’t get praised for it or told I’m doing a great job, but when my ex was around briefly, he would take them to the park once a fortnight for a few hours (literally that’s the only contact he wanted) yet he would tell me people would constantly praise him! I even witnessed it once 🙄 the bar is set very low for men just doing normal things!

mbosnz · 30/09/2021 19:59

My DH puts this as 'it's not so much that the bear waltzes well, but the bear waltzes at all. . . he said that in bemusement because he did the girls' hair and apparently that was weird. . .

Winecurestiredness · 30/09/2021 20:00

Millennial men have been babied. I say this as a Millennial myself....boys , when i was growing up got all the special treatment from female teachers, and instead the girls were picked on more. A dyslexic girl would be encouraged to try harder, but a dyslexic boy would get a big well done and extra attention if he read 1 page of a book. Now that i have two DSs im trying to be careful not to smother them or baby them....

Original poster

CecilieRose · 30/09/2021 20:02

@Ozanj

I would feel sorry for her. The fact that she’s raving over non-achievements but mean their home life is pretty shit

Yes, it must be, right? I would be furious if I was in agony from mastitis and had a colicky newborn and my partner thought it was acceptable to go to the pub. I certainly wouldn't be calling him a hero for cancelling. And I think I'm pretty laid back and non-demanding, generally.

OP posts:

Original poster

CecilieRose · 30/09/2021 20:03

@Anonymous48

I don't understand why you would follow some random pathetic woman on Instagram.

Some women's bars are definitely too low, but I hope it's not common.

She's actually pretty successful (professionally) in my field, which makes the situation even more baffling. I don't understand why she accepts so little.

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 30/09/2021 20:06

It’s like Bingo:

‘He’s such a great dad’
‘It’s only when it comes to sex’
‘He’s traditional and wants to propose’ [whilst having a child out of wedlock and living with me]

Ad nauseum.

pinkyredrose · 30/09/2021 20:06

but isn't it sort of traditional for the Baby's Father to carry them out of the hospital?!

Wrong thread?

romdowa · 30/09/2021 20:08

If my dp was going to the pub when I was ill with a 6 week old baby , I wouldn't be praising him for coming to his senses and cancelling 🙄🙄 some women really do set the bar low though and it's shocking

PartyPotato · 30/09/2021 20:36

Yeah it makes me pretty sad when I see it too. I have zero tolerance for men who don’t pull their weight.

salviapages · 30/09/2021 20:37

Agree, honestly I wasn't aware just how low the bar is until I started reading MN.

Some of the posts here I just despair. The amount of posts I've seen that are like 'I work FT and have 2DC and do all cooking and cleaning but my husband did 1 load of laundry today and wants a BJ in return and he called me a bitch because I was busy breastfeeding so asked if I could give him his BJ and ten minutes did I do something wrong?'

(Not trying to victim blame and abuse is something different, I'm just talking about posts on here describing complete dickheads that make me wonder how anyone puts up with them)

Siameasy · 30/09/2021 20:41

Yanbu and it tends to be women enabling this nonsense and pandering to the whole “boy dun good” thing. Women see their mums accept the bare minimum and think it’s normal.

We then end up with a situation where my BIL was praised to the moon by my MIL for “doing so well” at his DC’s birth. Did what so well? Provided the gamete?!

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 30/09/2021 20:43

I didn't realise for years how low my bar was.

After my childhood not being abused was where I set it at. Then when I was abused it was 'just a slap' and 'he didn't beat me up it was just a hit', then it was 'he never broke a bone'....

Then I had daughters and realised that what I want for them is what I should want for myself too.

Now I model what I want for them (took a lot of heartache and a very long time).

On that other thread one person said 'Men don't murder women every day' as though 2 a week was some kind of flex and they should be applauded.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 30/09/2021 20:50

Dd and I say of our respective fathers, 'They didn't sexually abuse us.' We acknowledge that our bar is very low. It's like that because so many men are abusers of one kind or another.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/09/2021 20:57

And whenever a man messes something up that an average 5-year old can do (often strategically), the reactions are 'aww bless, the poor darling' and 'but at least he tried to help out!'

Moonface123 · 30/09/2021 21:03

But this begs the question then why is it most women seem incapable of living without a man in their lives ?
A lot of women shouting from the rooftops regarding men's poor behaviour, yet at the same time enabling it by putting up with stuff they shouldnt.
A lot of women desperate to leave relationships, yet an awful lot also whinging and moaning about being on their own, finding a man is their only answer, jumping straight out of the fat into the fire, and repeat.
I live happily alone, l am not looking for anyone else, but l don't know many others in real life that have same mentality.

Anonymous48 · 30/09/2021 21:27

@pinkyredrose

but isn't it sort of traditional for the Baby's Father to carry them out of the hospital?!

Wrong thread?

From the OP:

Original poster

CecilieRose · 30/09/2021 21:41

@Moonface123

But this begs the question then why is it most women seem incapable of living without a man in their lives ? A lot of women shouting from the rooftops regarding men's poor behaviour, yet at the same time enabling it by putting up with stuff they shouldnt. A lot of women desperate to leave relationships, yet an awful lot also whinging and moaning about being on their own, finding a man is their only answer, jumping straight out of the fat into the fire, and repeat. I live happily alone, l am not looking for anyone else, but l don't know many others in real life that have same mentality.

I genuinely think a lot of women feel smug about having a partner, as if it makes them better than single women. That's also why they boast on social media so much.

I ran into an acquaintance a few weeks ago, one of those who is always posting about her 'amazing' relationship and she really patronisingly told me she hoped I'd meet someone soon. I said 'oh, I'm not single, I've got a partner...been together two or three years now' and she looked really shocked. I never post about him at all (or post on social media much in general tbh) and that's obviously alien to her that someone wouldn't shout it from the rooftops.

OP posts:

Siameasy · 30/09/2021 22:41

Many many women have been brought up to think the man is in charge and that they are less than a man. I know plenty of women like this and it’s not a generational thing because some of them are in their 20s

We only need one man to continue the species remember that

JudgeJ · 01/10/2021 12:30

@Anonymous48

I don't understand why you would follow some random pathetic woman on Instagram.

Some women's bars are definitely too low, but I hope it's not common.

AN old lady question but Why do people 'follow' non-people on any social media? Are their own lives so pathetic? Who is stupid enough to be 'influenced' by 'influencers'?

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