AIBU to think the bar for men is low?

[CecilieRose]

Inspired by the post about 'decent men', this question has come to my mind.

I follow a woman on Instagram who did a shoutout post to her boyfriend last weekend for cancelling his plans so she could go to the doctor about the mastitis she was suffering from because of breastfeeding. She called him a 'hero'.

Like, honestly? This is where the bar is these days? A man is a hero for cancelling plans to watch sport in the pub to look after his OWN CHILD while his partner is at the doctor? What on earth was he thinking even going to the pub all day with a sick partner and six-week-old baby at home?

She was also raving about how great he was for 'helping' carry the baby out of the hospital when they were taking him home. She'd just given birth and had a long and awful labour - he's a 6'4 huge man! And there she was acting as if he's some god for carrying his own child in a car seat.

It makes me want to weep with how little so many women put up with. And not only put up with, but think is great, and boast about. I find it genuinely a bit pathetic and also wonder what on earth they've put up with in the past to think the absolute bare minimum is 'amazing'.

AIBU?

Yep I agree, all glorifying couple goals nonsense. Honestly the things men do that people think deserves a belly pat they wouldn’t say out loud in person. One giant brain fart which unfortunately stays permanently online.

Women are still held to much higher standards than men YANBU

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

Dd and I say of our respective fathers, 'They didn't sexually abuse us.' We acknowledge that our bar is very low. It's like that because so many men are abusers of one kind or another.

This is such a powerful remark, my mum actually says this about my dad that ‘at least he’s never hit her’. Yeah because emotional abuse and being a selfish pig is okay.. great thread as it’s a real eye opener to something which needs to be brought further into conversation!

Lol yeah that example is so low! Jesus!

I agree it's low and it's frustrating other women seem to perpetuate it. Like calling dad's parenting babysitting.

Perhaps I'm living in a bubble but among our friends and acquaintances (mostöy early 40s) the men all seem to be capable of carrying out household and childcare tasks regularly, to a decent standard, and without needing to be praised for doing so.

I’ve started calling it out when people praise DP for basic parenting. E.g MIL or even my Mum will say “oh isn’t DP good, giving baby DD a bath and getting her ready for bed” and I will say “wow, you must think I’m really amazing then with all the things I do for her every day”

I do think the bar is much lower for men. My own Mum has completely different expectations for my brother compared to me and will often say things about DS “oh that’s boys for you” or “oh it’s a boy thing” she is getting better as I’ve started picking her up on it everytime.

Absolutely. I hadn’t realised my bar is pretty high due to a fab dad and both sisters and I have husbands that do a lot. Both Dh and I surprised when having dd1 that Dh was consistently repeatedly praised by numerous medical staff at the busy London hospital for being “amazing”. He was just being his normal self - made me wonder what the other men were like as one man being normal helpful and caring was something to be remarked on...

YANBU. My own personal standards for men are high and I would rather stay single than compromise on them. I've been single for 7 and a half years.

Yes it always amazes me the crap my otherwise strong female friends are willing to put up with from their 'partners'.

It also pisses me off when they are complying about them not looking after the kids or helping round the house then expect me to bitch about my DH and when I don't (because he actually functions as a adult) I get told 'ooo you've trained him well' no I just didn't pick a waste of space to be my partner in life.

I agree, but still so many of them manage to limbo under it. Impressive really.

Some people are very weird about the stuff they "shout out" about on sm, which may be more the issue here.

You're certainly not wrong, OP. I put it down to women engineering that their lives are "kept together" by the men in their lives, when in fact, these women are keeping everything together e.g bills, kids, outings, medical appointments etc and are keeping up the facade so the Big Man doesn't feel like a failure.

It's very hard to call men out on their bullshit/inadequacies, for a variety of reasons. My sons are young but I'm actively planning on them not burdening their future partners with this pretense.

I suffered through this shit in my marriage because I was socialised into it.... Then at some point he had depression and it was even more vital that I kept up the charade. Then for various reasons the marriage ended. Never again!

I had a brief encounter after my divorce with someone and couldn't stomach pretending he was measuring up when he simply wasn't and that encounter quickly ended.

The bar for men isn’t even on the floor it’s underground! Completely agree OP. A friend of mine once said a guy she was dating was ‘a really good guy’ because he offered to use a condom the first time they had sex and didn’t get annoyed about it! My jaw was on the floor. I told her that was such a basic expectation and he doesn’t deserve a medal for thinking about contraception and she was all ‘oh but so many men don’t…’

I honestly don’t know what the answer is, I think there’s so much internalised misogyny in women that they think it’s normal for men to be like this and unquestioningly accept it. Men don’t question it either. society makes it into a cute joke. Massive culture change is needed

When you are treated badly though; the tiniest shard of thoughtfulness or kindness.. or even just not being horrible to; make such a difference. Believe me it would make you over the moon too if you weren’t used to it

How low the bar for men, how high for women really hit home after my mum died.

I live over 100 miles away and don’t have a car. My brother lives 200y around the corner from our parents’ house, walks past it every time he walks the dog.

My aunts were surprised I wasn’t going over every week to batch cook and clean for my dad. (DF is perfectly capable of cooking and has a cleaner) My brother was heaped with praise for popping a couple of times a week for a cuppa.

I sorted out the whole funeral, all the arrangements in line with Mum’s wishes. Nothing said. My brother was praised for giving our dad a lift to the cemetery. 🙄

@Doomscrolling that is so sad and must have made a difficult time more distressing

@LobsterNapkin

Some people are very weird about the stuff they "shout out" about on sm, which may be more the issue here.

I've always felt like the worse the relationship, the more they put lovey dovey photos and messages on social media, or boast about how good it is. As if they're trying to convince themselves, almost?

My aunt used to fawn over my uncle and how he took out the bins ("he's so strong!"), gave her a hug in public ("he just loves me so much!"), or filled her tank with petrol ("he would do anything for me!). In reality, he was an abusive drunk so I think many women do it to focus on the small good things. Buy actually, that make the bloody bar even lower! (i.e. he doesn't hit me ALL the time so he must be good)

My abusive exdh took our dcs on holiday a few years ago and made a big deal about how he would be "lonely". Turns out folk were falling over themselves to help the poor single dad! They got upgraded to a far superior caravan, people were buying him drinks and offering him dinner! I have taken my dc away many times and never had any such offers! Boils my piss.

In many ways my OH is great. He does his share with the kids, does a fair amount of cooking and does lots of things around the house. Sometimes he’ll tackle the really annoying jobs I just don’t want to do, because he knows I hate them.

What I really don’t understand is why the f can’t he empty his pockets before he sticks his clothes in the washing basket and for the love of god a towel will not dry in a crumpled heap on the floor. He’s a pretty intelligent guy usually.

And no, I don’t pick the towels up and I take any pocket filled clothes out of the basket and leave them on the floor by his side of the bed!

@goinggently, it did rather confirm I was right to move away from those relatives with such old-fashioned perspectives.

I was gobsmacked reading the attached post from the “Laugh With Mummy” Facebook page the other day.

The worst part, she has 92 THOUSAND followers… who AGREE with her and think it’s “just how men are”.

It’s so so sad.

I would think they are absolutely shit partners.
I once had an ex who was useless and selfish yet anytime he made me a cup of tea ( maybe once every 4 months) I would thank him profusely and make him feel like a hero and I only realised it many years later.
It's because I'd never had a good man in my life before so to me this little act of kindness was genuinely amazing.

Attached is the “Laugh With Mummy” blogger’s response when people told her she needs a better husband who will treat her like an equal.

… Apparently we just need to “get a sense of humour” and put up with men treating women like shit.