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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think the bar for men is low?

99 replies

CecilieRose · 30/09/2021 19:51

Inspired by the post about 'decent men', this question has come to my mind.

I follow a woman on Instagram who did a shoutout post to her boyfriend last weekend for cancelling his plans so she could go to the doctor about the mastitis she was suffering from because of breastfeeding. She called him a 'hero'.

Like, honestly? This is where the bar is these days? A man is a hero for cancelling plans to watch sport in the pub to look after his OWN CHILD while his partner is at the doctor? What on earth was he thinking even going to the pub all day with a sick partner and six-week-old baby at home?

She was also raving about how great he was for 'helping' carry the baby out of the hospital when they were taking him home. She'd just given birth and had a long and awful labour - he's a 6'4 huge man! And there she was acting as if he's some god for carrying his own child in a car seat.

It makes me want to weep with how little so many women put up with. And not only put up with, but think is great, and boast about. I find it genuinely a bit pathetic and also wonder what on earth they've put up with in the past to think the absolute bare minimum is 'amazing'.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 01/10/2021 12:33

100%

I am fully sick of the applause of dads for doing the basics of parenting.

goinggently · 01/10/2021 12:35

Yes women's bars are too low... but it's also a factor of fragile male egos that need massaging and praising for doing the tiniest of things. Women seem programmed to keep them happy at all costs, lest resentment creeps in and there are consequences.

I am so fed up of this stuff :(

Beowulfa · 01/10/2021 12:46

I have a friend whose husband uses the term "babysitting" for the odd occasions he has to actually be in charge of his own children. He also insisted on calling his mother round to help on the rare nights out my friend had, as it was "too much" for one person to do on their own.

And yes, as I get older, I've realised that a huge chunk of the population would rather been in a mediocre or outright shite relationsip than be single. Such is the status of single people (especially older women) in our society.

Original poster
CecilieRose · 01/10/2021 12:46

@JudgeJ the woman is an acquaintance in my industry and posts a lot of useful work-related stuff, but cheers for the catty judgemental comment. Bit ironic for someone who posts on Mumsnet to imply that following someone on Instagram is stupid and pathetic. Nice assumption making too to assume she's an 'influencer' - she isn't.

OP posts:
Popcornriver · 01/10/2021 12:49

The bar is definitely too low for some men. You see it on here a lot but in real life too. All of the 'he's useless at washing up, I take the dishcloth off him' or 'what a fuss he was making trying to get the nappy changed, I did it myself' usually with a laugh at the silly men.

Adults who 'don't know' how to turn on a washing machine but get a round of applause for taking out the bin. It's absolutely ridiculous. The Christmas posts will start soon about how shit it is that women are responsible for all the shopping, wrapping, booking things and preparing food. Women need to stop putting up with it.

Popcornriver · 01/10/2021 12:51

And of course mumsnet will be full of posts at Christmas from posters who have done everything to make sure their family and partner have an amazing day but will be upset there's not even a lousy box of chocs under the tree for her. And other posters will accuse her of being grabby!

Fallagain · 01/10/2021 12:54

I’m always surprised and worried when women who have strong females as children do this.

Original poster
CecilieRose · 01/10/2021 12:54

@Beowulfa

I have a friend whose husband uses the term "babysitting" for the odd occasions he has to actually be in charge of his own children. He also insisted on calling his mother round to help on the rare nights out my friend had, as it was "too much" for one person to do on their own.

And yes, as I get older, I've realised that a huge chunk of the population would rather been in a mediocre or outright shite relationsip than be single. Such is the status of single people (especially older women) in our society.

It's also really, really expensive to be single. It costs me an absolute fortune to live alone. I'm sure there's an aspect of necessity there as well, outside those who want the 'status' of being in a relationship.
OP posts:
the80sweregreat · 01/10/2021 12:55

A colleague of mine is in her 40s , newly single and dating a divorced man who sounds absolutely awful : buntings of red flags , let alone one!
He just uses her and seem to only be interested in friends with benefits type arrangement and gets the hump if she goes out , but he is allowed to do what he wants.
She will defend his dreadful behavior too.
My own dh may not be perfection , but he seems a saint compared to this chap. She does say that she realizes he isn't that bothered about her, but she carries on with this ' relationship' because she hopes he will change at some point. I doubt he will to be honest.
It's depressing how men can use women like this , but what is worse is they are allowed to get away with it.
I don't understand why she doesn't move on and just dump him!

Keke94LND · 01/10/2021 13:00

YANBU and this is something I was thinking about recently, we set women to a much higher standard than we do men, I don't know why, but even within my own friendship group for example, I hear things like 'does your boyfriend help out with the house work?' And when they say yes everyone's like 'oh that's really good' ...erm a grown up man should do his housework. One of my friends is currently pregnant and her boyfriend had gone out binging all night with his friends and was telling us about it, and another friend said oh he's probably just letting off steam before the baby comes .. i thought well good for him but my pregnant friend can't do that can she? Why do men have to let of steam before the baby comes whilst women prepare for the baby to come? It's the same with marriages, why is it his 'last night of freedom?' And why do men get praised for doing the right thing when with women it's just expected?

BreadPita · 01/10/2021 13:02

It's sort of relative, isn't it?
I always think back to that OkCupid study that showed that most women think that most men are below average in attractiveness.
Statistically, it makes no sense, but I think we alla understand where it was coming from.
In terms of children, relatively few men compared to women seem to actively want to parent so of course the ones that do get more adulation than a woman doing the exact same thing.

AngeloMysterioso · 01/10/2021 13:06

YANBU

I remember a recent thread where one woman said one of the reasons she knows her husband loves her is because he never tells her she’s ugly or a whore.

I mean… what????

Blossomtoes · 01/10/2021 13:09

I suspect that a lot of men go along with procreation for a quiet life and this is the result. If men had their way I reckon there would be far more childless couples.

MarshmallowSwede · 01/10/2021 13:24

The bar for men has always been on the floor.

Men get medals and accolade for spending time with their own kids.. you can’t “babysit” your own children btw.

Doing things like making a child breakfast, bathing the baby, or doing pigtails on a little girl gets a man a ticker tape parade and a medal. These are just things fathers do.

Women need to stop acting like a man doing the bare minimum is so great. I certainly will say thank you tk my husband for helping when the baby is born, but I expect him to parent his own child. I’ll expect him to thank me for being mother to his child and us to appreciate one another for parenting. That’s normal.. but men don’t need praise for doing what they are supposed to do.

sHREDDIES19 · 01/10/2021 13:26

I actually despair of such women who accept such a low grade ball bag in their lives. I have a fab dh, I wouldn't be married if that wasn't the case as I have high expectations, as should we all. Women often take the load, get little (or no) praise in return whilst men are the heroes for doing something completely mundane. Things will never change if we don't change. We have to start expecting more to get more I'm afraid.

Marguerite2000 · 01/10/2021 13:28

@HopingForOurRainbowBaby

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't it sort of traditional for the Baby's Father to carry them out of the hospital?!
Not in our hospital. A midwife/auxillary had to carry the baby to the car.
Marguerite2000 · 01/10/2021 13:34

@Blossomtoes

I suspect that a lot of men go along with procreation for a quiet life and this is the result. If men had their way I reckon there would be far more childless couples.
I actually agree with this, unfortunately. I think some women do have to settle for a crappy coparent if they desperately want a child themselves. You also get the odd woman who likes to do everything themselves, or replace their partner with their mother.
Youseethethingis · 01/10/2021 13:39

My DH is prone to the odd "mannouncement" about doing a load of washin and hanging it to dry for example.
I laugh and ask him if he would like a dinosaur sticker or a gold star in his workbook.
I think the penny is starting to drop.
I did have to make quite an effort to stop thinking him for doing this he should be doing anyway and that's probably where the mannouncing started.

TractorAndHeadphones · 01/10/2021 13:43

YANBU.
Landlady praised DP for cleaning up mess + doing the laundry when she came around to fix something.
My own mother letting my father get away with doing fuck all and complaining that he uses too many dishes when making one thing.
But doesn’t tell him to wash the dishes?
Men babysitting their own children is the worst.

marplemead · 01/10/2021 13:44

YANBU. I didn't realise how bad it was until I started reading the posts on the Relationships board.

For a lot of women, I imagine the low expectations are a result of their own childhood experiences and lack of self esteem. However, I don't think that is always the case. Growing up, my dad was useless, my mother was subservient, my brothers were treated better compared to me and my sister, and my self esteem was pretty low.

I was determined to break the cycle, and chose a DH that didn't treat me like a housekeeper/nanny. He's not perfect, but does his fair share of household chores and childcare.

I can't see anything improving if so many women are willing to put up with so little.

TractorAndHeadphones · 01/10/2021 13:47

@Youseethethingis

My DH is prone to the odd "mannouncement" about doing a load of washin and hanging it to dry for example. I laugh and ask him if he would like a dinosaur sticker or a gold star in his workbook. I think the penny is starting to drop. I did have to make quite an effort to stop thinking him for doing this he should be doing anyway and that's probably where the mannouncing started.
DP used to do the laundry and leave it out unfolded on the bed. I simply ignored it and when to sleep. When asked I pointed out that laundry covers washing, drying and folding . Which we had agreed on.

He gets it now and the clothes are put away every time I get to bed :)

Btw DP claimed he did a bit of the dishes once in a while and used it as an excuse for the laundry but I pointed out that I didn’t ask him to do that. In fact him washing dishes actually ruined my plans because I need enough for the dishwasher. He now sticks to his own chores.

TertiusLydgate · 01/10/2021 13:47

My own bar is set extremely high, but I agree, many women have theirs set lamentably low.

I have several friends that praise their OHs if they do the washing or ironing or cook a meal.

Enablers. Every. Single. One.

LaBellina · 01/10/2021 13:51

Sadly YANBU, OP.

I often go out during the weekend and DH takes care of DS so I have a few hours to myself. So many people have commented on ‘how lucky I am’ and ‘oh not all men are like that, their husbands don’t do any ‘babysitting’. Whilst I think people would say nothing if my DH would go to the pub every weekend and I stayed home with DS, they would see that as completely normal.

TractorAndHeadphones · 01/10/2021 13:51

@Blossomtoes

I suspect that a lot of men go along with procreation for a quiet life and this is the result. If men had their way I reckon there would be far more childless couples.
While this may be true said men are also happy to claim credit etc for their offspring’s achievements or enjoy their company when grown up…
goinggently · 01/10/2021 13:56

We have two laundry baskets... one for my clothes, one for his. It's just been that way since we moved in together. I do my washing, he does his own, though we might say "do you have any whites? etc".
I think this is completely unremarkable, but when it's come up in conversation with friends they think it's extremely weird. Like I'm supposed to be doing all his washing or something just because we live together? Is it weird...??