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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married after 11 years together and 1 child?

93 replies

glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 21:49

Am I?

My dp is dead against the idea & always has been. Sample of his argument: 'what is the point... its just a piece of paper... uneccesary fuss and expense...blah blah'. But I want to get married and always have.

This row flares up every time someone we know gets married (like his best friend who has just announced his wedding & prompted this latest row).

Would make my life a lot happier if I could just accept the situation, but I hate the fact that he dosent want to marry me.

Its really boring to keep rowing about the same thing- but we just seem to be stuck.

Today he said he would 'just to stop the nagging' and that I'm making his life a misery. I told him he was emotianally retarded and he could poke his very romantic offer.

Argh! Anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
moondog · 06/12/2007 21:50

Tell him about legal and financial benefits?

Write him a letter telling him how much it would mean to you?

moondog · 06/12/2007 21:51

Doesn't have to cost.
(My wedding retailed at £60. That was our choice.)

Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 21:51

Are there any?

Can I write it in blood?

Seriously, I could do that. Hmm. Better wait till I have calmed down tho.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 06/12/2007 21:53

sorry to mention this...but if anything happened to one if you, you would find out its a very important bit of paper

Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 21:55

Your quite right Kristina- I have occasionally mentioned stuff like that to him (like the house is in his name only) but I think he thinks Im exaggerating or something just to get him down the aisle.

OP posts:
moondog · 06/12/2007 21:56

Yes,as a MNer found out when her dh died suddenly on holiday last year.
Even thoguht they were married it was hard.
Without it, she would have been stuffed.
She posted a lot about it,with a specific thread that jolted a lot of people into marriage.

Yorkiegirl is her name if you do a search.

SpeccieSeccie · 06/12/2007 21:57

Do you want the marriage or the wedding? Cos if it's the marriage then there really isn't much unnecessary fuss and expense' - you just get yourself down to the registry office and fill in the form with two witnesses. Less trouble than getting a mortgage.

moondog · 06/12/2007 21:58

Why would anyone think that someone they love wants to 'trick them'??

That is so weird.

Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:05

Id like both speccyseccie- but Id settle for the registry office no family or friends job that is about all that he would do- its just that I know he dosent want to.

So no matter how we did it Id be marrying a man who dosent want to marry me.

Which is just too tragic and Id rather not bother at all. To my mind it should be a celebration not like hes forcing himself to eat a worm or something.

Thanks moondog- theres a lot of messages but I am having a look.

OP posts:
seeker · 06/12/2007 22:05

Proper wills, statements of paternal responsibility and sensible ownership of joint assets - sorted. No need for marriage.

Speaking as one 25 years unmarried with 2 children.

hotmama · 06/12/2007 22:06

I haven't posted on mnet for ages - but I have just had to post! Just really lurk nowadays - but still pick up gems of information.

I totally know where you are coming from.

I have been with dp for 26 years (I'm now 40) and have 2dd's.

He isn't really bothered about getting married but I am - and wanted to be married before I had a child.

I want to get married before dd1 starts school - starts in 2009.

I have no doubt that dp loves me and I love him - but I do want to be Mrs X - don't want a 'wedding' just want to be a wife.

Just wanted to post a solidarity hug.

seeker · 06/12/2007 22:11

And I'm the one who doesn't want to be married - dp would be up the aisle in a heartbeat.

Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:12

hotmama thank you! I feel exactly the same. I really wanted to get married before the baby came but no such luck.

Still get stupidly excited every xmas/ birthday/ holiday thinking he might propose . And then get really moody when it dosent happen... thought I'd get accustomed to the situation but it hasnt happened yet!

And he has said for years 'one day we will' yes but yes but I dont want to get married at 60 with a zimmer frame .

I hope you get yours, but god, 26 years thats probably a silver anniversary you could have had?!

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:14

Seeker I think thats it- if its your choice not to marry its all well and good.

But its not my choice. Its hard when your the person who wants to be married and your in a relationship with an aisle dodger

OP posts:
maximummummy · 06/12/2007 22:18

me & dp have been together for 8yrs and have ds who is 3yrs - i don't want to get married i never ever have - i really don't see the point - but i can see the financial benefits/security - but i don't want to be mrs.XXXx or feel i belong to him officially -
i don't think y a b u but i dont think he is either - but i'm so sorry it's making you unhappy

hotmama · 06/12/2007 22:21

Glitterkitty - at least I have got a sparkly ring.

Was bought for my birthday a couple of years ago. Not long after I had dd2 by emer cc and had an infection - think it was a feeling sorry for me present! Don't mind as it is still a sparkly ring.

Absolutely no progression towards getting married though.

KristinaM · 06/12/2007 22:22

I Am married but i am not Mrs X either

if we were not married i woudl be worried about the legal stuff. do you have all that sorted out??

TheYoungVisiter · 06/12/2007 22:27

I was with DP (now DH) for 13 years and one child before we got our acts together and tied the knot.

He was fairly "what's the point?" and in a way, so was I as I don't think it has anything to do with your commitment to each other or anything like that, but in the end it was the legal/ practical reasons - that if either of us died we would have to pay inheritance tax on each others estates, we wouldn't get each others pensions, you don't have the same rights as next of kin in some situations (like if he was in a coma or something).

I never doubted his love for me but it just seemed more practical to get hitched tbh. I was jolted into it when my aunt's partner died intestate and she had an awful time - lost the house etc as it all went to his family.

Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:28

No, no legal stuff sorted Kristina. I wouldnt know where to start tbh. Everything is his. I think he might be paranoid that if we split up I'll get half or something and nick his house.

Well done on the ring hotmama, no rings here in fact I have sworn NEVER to wear any ring until its my engagement one.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:29

Thats what I need! Solid evidence for marriage! More! More!

OP posts:
TheYoungVisiter · 06/12/2007 22:30

Has he made a will? Have you? At the very least he needs to sort out what happens if he dies.

southeastastra · 06/12/2007 22:31

i know - we need to get wed been together 18 years.

Original poster
glitterkitty · 06/12/2007 22:35

Just typed out TYV evidence and texted it to him at work.

OP posts:
fishie · 06/12/2007 22:37

second all that young visiter said (again - i am your stalker...)

dph and i got married a couple fo weeks ago, it was just a small event. it does cost a wee bit more than £60, there is giving notice fee and marriage ceremony cost so it was about £140.

we've been together for 15 yeras, 1 child. he was very resistant to getting married initially, but i didn't push it too much, just said that there was no reason not to and pointed out the benefits. turned out he was mainly worried about having a WEDDING, which was really not somehting i wanted either.

i do know exactly how you feel, suggest you find out exactly why he is resistant, does he think things will change? will his friends take the piss? make him go on an unwanted stag night? otherwise one is in the very difficult position of living with someone who is not willing to commit.

PaulaYatesbiggestfan · 06/12/2007 22:38

been together 18 years

no desire at all to marry, i recently tookhis name and LOVE it

maybe it is because i know he would - i just dont want to fix what is not broken

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