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Original poster

To ask DP to move out because of his cat…

110 replies

CatWoesman · 30/09/2021 13:56

DP and I have been together for 2 years.

We decided 5 months ago to move In together.

DP was renting a flat whilst I own my house, so we decided that for now, DP would move in with me and we would look to buy a place together next year.

So far, living together has been great, I love having him around and we are getting on so well.

There’s just one BIG problem.. his cat, Betty!!

He’s had Betty since she was a kitten, she’s now 7 6 years old.
She’s always been an indoor car (her choice) and I’ve always been pretty fond of her.

When I suggested he move into my house, I of course expected Betty to come too.

She’s never been an issue, always well behaved at DP’s house so I didn’t expect any issues from her at mine…. 🙄

The first week of her moving in, she began to pee outside of her cat tray.
She had a trip to the vets, several £100’s later and it was determined that there was no medical reason why, and that it must be behavioural.

We bought her some cat friendly plug ins Incase she was feeling a bit stressed with the move.
We bought an additional cat litter box so she could take her pick.

None of these things have worked and Betty is continuing to piss all over my house.
It started off as just on my landing, but now it’s wherever she fancies.

Not only is she pissing, but she’s also taken to scratching my sofa (which was brand new only last year) and is regularly sick which seems to always be on my rug.

My house is really starting to stink because of her.
I had a friend over a few days ago and she commented on how bad it was.(it really is bad, not matter how much cleaning we do)

We’ve since taken Betty back to the vet and again paid for more tests (including another urine sample) but all is well.

She was nothing like this at DP’s house so I can only assume she doesn’t like her new home.

It’s been 5 months now and she’s still not settling down.
She gets lots of attention, we both wfh several days each week so she has company, she has several cat beds to sleep on (one which she used as a toilet so we threw away) and always has ample supply of food and fresh water.

I’m not going to be that person that asks DP to rehome his cat, nor would I ever want or expect him to.
But honestly I don’t want her in my house anymore.😣

DP is good, he cleans up after her and I know he feels bad about her behaviour, but I don’t feel there’s many more options other than asking them both to leave.

I’ve never personally owned any animals as I think this is the reason why.

I’ve always been very house proud and now
I’m extremely embarrassed by the smell.

I’m at my wits end.

OP posts:
Backtoreality1 · 30/09/2021 14:30

Leaving the back door open could be the problem. She is insecure in the house, and leaving access open like that means that she will be highly stressed. I assume that there are other cats in the neighbourhood as well who will not appreciate her encroaching on their territory.

If she has been raised as a housecat, this will be WAY too much stimulation for her. Take her back to one room, then one floor. Shut the doors and try and give her some security.

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 30/09/2021 14:31

Presumably if your do rented then he's not going to be able to move out to his previous home?

Not sure that moving poor Betty yet again is going to help.

Peeing everywhere shows that she's stressed out and unhappy. You would be best placed to find the solution unless you never want to live with your dp - cats can live 20+ years!

It sounds possible that you moved the cat to the new house without too much thought, and assumed she'd settle, and cats just don't work like that.

You've had some great advice upthread, the LitterTray topic is always brilliant, or take a look at someone like Jackson Galaxy (the my cat from hell guy) who does a lot of behavioural stuff and explains how to "catify" your home so your cat is happy.

Good luck OP.

SpindleWorld · 30/09/2021 14:33

@Backtoreality1

Leaving the back door open could be the problem. She is insecure in the house, and leaving access open like that means that she will be highly stressed. I assume that there are other cats in the neighbourhood as well who will not appreciate her encroaching on their territory.

If she has been raised as a housecat, this will be WAY too much stimulation for her. Take her back to one room, then one floor. Shut the doors and try and give her some security.

Absolutely this. Very good advice. She needs to feel cozy and safe, not exposed.

Have you tried Zylkene, btw? Better for many cars than a plug in.

Also, how sure are you that she isn't being bothered by fleas? It only takes one biting away for a sensitive cat to be unhappy.

Sparticle · 30/09/2021 14:33

Have you tried using a Feliway plug-in to calm her down? The poor thing is probably really unhappy :(

fallhappy1 · 30/09/2021 14:33

I agree with limiting to one room for the time being. Do you have a spare bedroom, second bathroom you can use?

1984Winston · 30/09/2021 14:36

You need a behaviourist, is she insured? If so it may be covered on her insurance. She's not a happy cat, if you work with her you can sort this out though, don't give up yet

tiggerwhocamefortea · 30/09/2021 14:37

Is Betty a Tabby?
Because Tabby's are nuts and territorial and stubborn - you won't change her 🤣. My DH came with a cat - 10 years in she still despises me 🤣

GalaxyPostcard · 30/09/2021 14:37

[quote CatWoesman]@Aquamarine1029

I just don’t understand why she’d be unhappy.
She’s moved from a small 1 bed flat to a 3 bed house where there’s much more space for her to roam around.
She has a front and back garden, the back door
is always open and she can roam into the garden if she chooses.

She’s a really loving cat and It upsets me to have them both leave, but It’s making me more upset about my lovely home being ruined.[/quote]
This is the problem. My cats freaked when we moved from a tiny studio just me and two DCats to a bigger house with my DP. They were used to smaller spaces. Confide her to two rooms and ease it out when she's ready.

tempchecked · 30/09/2021 14:39

Surely the issue is for the owner, your DP, to sort out and not you!

He must be aware of the problems, the smells, the destruction of furniture etc. Is he happy to live with this? It is your house after all.

I would put the matter back to him and get him to solve it, right now actually.

1forAll74 · 30/09/2021 14:39

Can you not get Betty to go outside at all. I always feel sorry for cats who can't go outside, as it's in their nature to explore and do what cats do. It must be very boring for cats to just sit around the house all day, and not get some proper exercise. I have three cats,and apart from one of them sometimes scratching the sofa, they like to be outside mostly. I have a cat flap, so they can do as they please all day. Non of them have ever made any mess in the house, apart from bringing dead mice in at times.

I would not ever tell someone to leave, because of a problem cat, or get it rehomed, as rehoming it, it would still have problems in another different home.

MissCreeAnt · 30/09/2021 14:40

As others have said, small room with a hard floor for at least 2 weeks and then "let" her out into the rest of the house slowly. Shut her back in her safe place every night. Security is more important than freedom.

We adopted a cat with urinary issues. She ended up with a well insulated outdoor shed for night time, but she was a very outdoorsy girl. I don't think she was insecure with us, but you can't always undo previously learned habits/needs.

Your DP moving out would solve the problem for you, but it might cost you your relationship and it doesn't seem very fair on his future landlord (assuming he'd be renting).

Remaker · 30/09/2021 14:42

Cats don’t think woohoo big house garden aren’t I lucky! It is terrifying to them if they aren’t used to it.

The slightest thing sends my two cats into my bedroom and under the bed. That’s their safe space. If we have a lot of activity, visitors, tradespeople etc I put them in my bedroom and shut the door and they are happy and relaxed.

Betty needs a safe place where she feels comfortable. One room ideally with everything she needs in it. Then you can gradually introduce her to the rest of the house.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 30/09/2021 14:57

I agree with previous posters, limit the space she has, ideally 2 rooms, one with food and water, one with litter. Downstairs with hard floors ideally and see if that helps. If not then yes she or they both have to go.

Has he offered to have your carpets professionally cleaned and/or replaced if necessary? And have your sofa reupholstered? Because I would be reconsidering living with anyone who was prepared for me to take the financial hit for their damage.

spiderlight · 30/09/2021 14:58

As others have said, all the extra space is too big and scary for her. She needs one smallish, safe space in which to settle, and then very gradual, calm reintroduction to the rest of the house at her own pace.

This stuff is your best bet for clearing the smells.

Kindleandacuppa · 30/09/2021 15:04

Do you clean with Zoflora OP? My friend swears that there is ammonia or something in Zoflora that causes cats to mark their territory by peeing anywhere it is used, not sure if there is truth in it as I've never used it myself

GraceAnatomy · 30/09/2021 15:12

I had a cat who pee'd the carpet when we moved house. It really was not pleasant at all. There were a few spots where he kept going back to and urinating in the same vicinity. You need to make sure you clean the area really really well, Betty's pee could have gone through to the underlay and she will still be smelling it then marking it again.

Pet Remedy plug in worked better for our situation over Feliway. Puppy pads over the areas where the problem kept reoccurring and gradually take them away.

Regarding scratching sofa, try put a cardboard scratcher (I buy them from B&M. £2) in front of the area she goes to. My cat loves them, especially when they've been freshly sprinkled with the catnip sachet that comes with them.

I hope you can find a solution. I get that it's stressful and I found it really repulsive so I can understand your viewpoint. I used to worry my house was stinky even after the problem stopped.

DancesWithTortoises · 30/09/2021 15:16

You've put up with it for far too long. He has a cheek expecting you to tolerate this. Cat needs to go, with or without him.

Your house must stink.

user1471538283 · 30/09/2021 15:18

Poor Betty. The space is probably too big for her. Our two prefer the french doors shut because another cat might come in (and one did). When we first moved DGirlcat spent a lot of time in the bathroom with her litter tray because it was quiet and dark, might that work?

DGirlcat has a box with her favorite blanket on top of a unit and she goes there when she is feeling unsettled.

TheNoodlesIncident · 30/09/2021 15:19

You said she's an indoor cat by choice, then She has a front and back garden, the back door is always open and she can roam into the garden if she chooses.

If you replaced your front door with a revolving door, how safe would you feel? This is a cat who has been used to and preferred the confines of an indoor space. She felt secure in her previous place, she does not feel secure in her new surroundings as shown by her peeing everywhere. She is soiling to mark her territory that can now be accessed by any other cat in the neighbourhood.

I would suggest you do as PPs have suggested: confine her to an enclosed space (one room to start with), keep the door closed so she cannot get outside - and she will understand that other cats cannot now get in - and treat any peed on areas with products aimed at getting rid of pet odours (we also have a Bissell carpet and upholstery washer for the inevitable accidents and pee/poo/vomit stains, it's very effective).

Don't bother with Feliway, it's crap. It will not remove the anxiety that the cat will be feeling. Nice high places for her to go to, removal of odours from previous incidents and a strong feeling of security should make things a lot better. I hope you can try this first before asking your DP to leave with the cat. Betty will be feeling very stressed, lots of people don't recognise signs of stress in animals but they are often there (like dogs licking their lips when they are anxious, etc)

Fluffycloudland77 · 30/09/2021 15:20

He’s not cleaning up after her properly if you can still smell it it’s because he left we’re in the carpet. He needs a carpet shampoo machine ASAP if he can’t spot clean.

If you’ve got a miserable cat confining her to one room will only make her more miserable though. You can’t just lock her in a bedroom on her own with nothing to do.

It could be as simple as putting her on Cystease capsules mixed in with her food but really why hasn’t he found any of these solutions himself?.

HyacynthBucket · 30/09/2021 15:20

Cats don't like changed surroundings. The advice used to be when moving, to start them in a single room and let them gradually explore outwards after several days. As she was used to a small flat and only indoors, perhaps the extra space, including access to the garden, has spooked or overwhelmed her. Could you start again by keeping her in one room that she gets familiar with, then gradually opening up the rest of the space, bit by bit?

MrsPaddyGrant · 30/09/2021 15:20

It might be overwhelming for her and cats are very attached to locations. i'd do what previous posters have said and reduce the amount of house she has access to. When i adopted my cat from cats protection they advised that i left him in a bedroom with his food and litter tray and gradually allowed him further access to the house.

She's obviously distressed and unhappy and its behavioural.

ThreeLittleDots · 30/09/2021 15:23

Don't just get rid of her, she's a family member and it's not her fault.

If you use the correct anti-enzyme cat wee cleaner then you shouldn't be able to smell it at all. You can get a special light to show up any patches you've missed. Once they can smell their wee in one spot they will carry on going there again and again.

Agree with PP that it sounds like stress and she feels unsafe. Confine her to a small room and start again.

A behaviourist is a good idea.

Undertheoldlindentree · 30/09/2021 15:30

If your back door has been open most of the time in summer...could passing cats be scaring her into marking her territory? Is she responsible for all of it? Do you see her doing the weeing?

I once rehomed my cat to family for repeatedly weeing all over the kitchen when I had a newborn baby. A few days later, I saw a neighbour's cat enter my kitchen through the cat flap, wee in the area I had been blaming my cat for, and calmly walk out!!