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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP off sick but going for day out.

124 replies

CharlieBrown65 · 29/09/2021 18:24

My boyfriend has had covid for the past two weeks; he's been quite poorly with it so as a result I've done everything around the house, monitored and organised building work we've got going on as well as working full time as a teacher. I've driven an hour's round trip to get his prescription as well as any other bits he's needed collecting and cooked every single thing he could possibly need. My anxiety has been sky high because of the whole thing.

He has told work he's too unwell to return to work until next week at the earliest which I agreed with as I don't want him to rush back too soon. He's just announced he's going out shopping and for lunch in a town an hour away on Friday to meet some friends.

Am I allowed to feel annoyed? I'll be in work whilst he's off sick having a day out. I'm prepared to be told I am!

OP posts:

ShaneTheThird · 29/09/2021 21:03

www.webmd.com/lung/coronavirus-incubation-period

Incubation period of around 14 days. If you have no symptoms or your symptoms start to improve you can go out again by day 10 as you're no longer suspected of being contagious even though covid can show in your system for 90 days after.

donquixotedelamancha · 29/09/2021 21:05

I've had covid. I've just gone back after two weeks off, thinking I felt better, and it was a big mistake- I'm really struggling.

You'd be mad to go back in the classroom before the fatigue is substantially better.

ShaneTheThird · 29/09/2021 21:05

Also in the nicest possible way op, if he has been stuck isolating for 2 weeks and you are the only person he has seen it makes sense he wants to go out and see his friends instead. I was stuck isolating with dp for ten days and couldn't wait to see other people.

Please don't feel disheartened I'm sure he appreciates all you do for him and it was you being a nice caring partner that's helping him recover.

daisychain01 · 29/09/2021 21:06

@FishesWithWishes

That's 100% gross misconduct if his work find out he's lost his job.

No it is not gross misconduct and he would not get the sack for going out to get some fresh air and try to get back to good health.

I'd absolutely support any colleague or direct report who's had COVID and feels up to going out and enjoying a few hours out of their sick bed (provided they had completed the correct number of self-isolation days).

Being ill and taking time of work does not mean you have to stay imprisoned in a darkened room and feeling even more crap. Getting outdoors, breathing fresh air and clearing your head is not "gallivanting". That's an inhumane way of looking at this.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/09/2021 21:06

He's taking the piss.
Small outings when recovering from a physical illness all good, but an hour away? Shopping isn't an easy, relaxing activity as he'll be on his feet and in crowds.

And no appreciation for you at all!

Original poster

CharlieBrown65 · 29/09/2021 21:07

@CinnamonJellyBeans

It seems that you are unsure whether he is genuinely incapable of doing light housework, or simply malingering.

If he has underlying medical conditions, you can look forward to him being unavailable to do anything every time he is unwell, whether this be from genuine incapacitation or a desire to sit on his arse while you do everything.

If you think looking after one incapable person was anxiety inducing, you may want to reconsider any plans you have to have children with this man. How do you fancy finishing work, doing the nursery pick up and then feeding and cleaning up after the pair of them. Sounds like a lifetime of drudgery. I hope he is bringing a lot more to your relationship than demanding a hot water bottle like a querulous old man.

Next time he is sick, take care of his basic needs and no more. You've shown him that you will step up and then some by taking apart the kitchen on your own. Next time, he'll probably want you to build a conservatory whilst feeding him soft boiled eggs and giving the invalid version of a blow job because he's too exhausted to have proper sex.

Why did you take the kitchen apart on your own?

The anxiety came from looking after someone who was struggling to breath with oxygen levels that under normal circumstances would have warranted an ambulance as well as being concerned that I would catch it! I have no issues in looking after someone who's unwell, I like to think he'd do the same for me.

The kitchen had to be taken apart as the builders were coming to demolish the kitchen walls and they were unable to push it back.

OP posts:

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/09/2021 21:07

@CharlieBrown65

I'm not sure if this is at me 🙈 I have no questions with him being ill or going to meet friends. Its the fact it's a two hour round trip that's the issue as well as shopping and lunch.

A load of people are missing THIS point! Also if his friends were really his friends they'd come near to see HIM not the other way round/

ThePlumVan · 29/09/2021 21:08

God leave the msn alone you sound like his Carer.

Original poster

CharlieBrown65 · 29/09/2021 21:11

@ThePlumVan

God leave the msn alone you sound like his Carer.

I've felt like it this week 😂 he has absolutely needed it as he was so unwell with it! If he's off out shopping he can make his own cup of tea 🙈

OP posts:

middlingmess · 29/09/2021 21:29

My boss would go ape-shit if they saw me out and about if I had called in sick...my life would not be worth living!

My partner I've lived with has had really high work ethics (white collar) and would be if I didn't drag myself into work instead of swanning around socialising.

I'm a woman though, maybe it's different for men?

Wazzzzzzzup · 29/09/2021 21:32

@middlingmess

My boss would go ape-shit if they saw me out and about if I had called in sick...my life would not be worth living!

My partner I've lived with has had really high work ethics (white collar) and would be if I didn't drag myself into work instead of swanning around socialising.

I'm a woman though, maybe it's different for men?

That's not "high work ethic". That's unreasonable work ethic. I have very good work ethic. Doesn't mean I will go in when I am still recovering from something that serious. BUT! I would go meet someone to keep sanity after 2 weeks.

ejhhhhh · 29/09/2021 21:45

If he’s well enough for a day trip, he’s well enough to do a shed load of household chores before he goes. Give yourself the rest of the week off and make him do them. And don’t take care of him like that when he’s sick again.

BoredZelda · 29/09/2021 21:55

You are allowed to feel however you want. Why wouldn’t you be?

SusieBob · 29/09/2021 22:06

Some people really don't like their other halves, do they?

"You feeling a bit better? Great! Get yourself straight back to work, don't forget to go to the shops and oh by the way the fucking washing better be done too!"

ThePlumVan · 29/09/2021 22:10

I've felt like it this week 😂 he has absolutely needed it as he was so unwell with it! If he's off out shopping he can make his own cup of tea

Get yourself a night out booked it sounds like you need it

Muchmorethan · 29/09/2021 22:15

@CharlieBrown65

He really has been ill enough to be looked after which I absolutely don't resent..we were on the phone to the GP yesterday as his blood oxygen had dropped far too low. I'm just struggling to see how it seems ok to go out for the day when he's supposed to be so ill.

What had it dropped too?

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 29/09/2021 22:22

I was off with a rotten cold a few years ago and was really worried about being spotted out for a walk in the park by one of my students. I messaged my manager to explain I had gone out to get some fresh air, and was concerned I had been seen out of the house - he actually phoned me (unheard of) to tell me not to be so stupid. He said that it would have been a different story if I had run into someone down The Ritzy at midnight, clutching a pint of vodka, mind. (The fact I could barely speak, and my job is lecturing, probably helped though.)

Spidey66 · 29/09/2021 22:27

Ok ill give that OP shouldnt be doing so much for him while hes complaining he cant do these things because of covid, yetvis ablecto meet friends, indicating he can do these things.

However I stand by saying that if you've had a significant illness you can't be expected to go from too poorly to leave the house to going straight back to work without testing the waters first. To use me as an example....broke arm near shoulder 2 weeks ago. They were hoping it would get better byv sling alone, but is going to need surgery tomorrow. I expectvive got at least 6 more weeks of sick leave as it's a nasty break. It's my dominant arm. Currently I can't even wipe my arse, wash or dress by myself. I can use a tablet a bit but typing with one finger using my wrong hand is difficult and tiring and full of typos . To work properly I have to use an official laptop with my work software. Sorry, cant do that with one hand.

I expect hi will need physio after the op and a period of rehabilitation. At present i have high levels of anxiety I'm going to fall or something and make it worse. My rehabilitation will include having to negotiate public transport and shops to enable I can do so safely. I can't do this from jy house, obviously. But I don't believe I should be sacked for meeting a friend for lunch to ensure I can travel independently of my husband before returning to work.

I'm also expecting to engage with occupational health priorvto returning to work tonensure my workstation is ok and/or to establish a phased return to work eg maybe working pt at first to avoid crowds by public transport if I am scared of my arm not healing properly if I'm in crowds. My arm will never be the same after my particular injury, I will find it hard to hang onto rs is.

And you know what....yeah I do think a weekend away will be good for my physical and mental health before returning to work. Thankfully though I work for the NHS who, while I won't take the puss with, will be supportive of getting me back to work safely.

Spidey66 · 29/09/2021 22:28

Apologies for typos.....more evidence of how I'm unfit for work lol

CheersToTheWe3kend · 29/09/2021 22:42

I mean, lunch and shopping with friends is maybe slightly taking the mick. I wouldn't want to put myself in the awkward position of being seen having tooooo much fun!

Although I have always tested myself before going back. So for a spinal op I had I made myself wander round the shops with my mum to see if I could walk without my legs collapsing (again)! And after being off for 3 weeks with a chest infection (pre covid) I set my alarm for the time I would usually get up (5:30) and intended just to see if I could get up and be awake for 15hrs and whether I could manage a 12hr shift again. Suffice to say, I slept through til 12 and had to have another week off.

If he's been really poorly I'd suggest taking it easy in the first instance anyway, so he doesn't make himself feel worse and end up off on more sick leave?

DixonD · 29/09/2021 23:08

@FishesWithWishes

It's misconduct

It’s not. He’s not a prisoner just because he’s off sick. He may be feeling too lethargic to work; it doesn’t mean he can’t sit down and have a chat with his friends.

rubydoobydoo · 30/09/2021 01:23

Having had a horrible virus just before covid started, you start getting really fed up after not being able to do anything for ages, and think he's probably overestimating what he'll actually feel up to when it comes to it. He might want to but not have thought it through fully.
If it was my DH I wouldn't mind him going but I'd be worried about a drive that long and make sure he didn't go unless he was feeling a hell of a lot better on the morning of the trip, which it sounds like yours may not be.
My boss has told me off for going back to work to soon and ending up going back home again more than once, and is very understanding about testing the waters first!

liveforsummer · 30/09/2021 04:21

Gross misconduct? So people signed off long te have to stay home indefinitely?! I wouldn't have a problem with him going out and by Friday perhaps he's wanting to test how he manages out and about. Lunch with a friend is very different to a full days work. I'd stop doing everything for him though.

Quartz2208 · 30/09/2021 07:22

If he does go as well I wouldn’t do stuff for him when he invariably goes backwards as well

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