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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP off sick but going for day out.

124 replies

CharlieBrown65 · 29/09/2021 18:24

My boyfriend has had covid for the past two weeks; he's been quite poorly with it so as a result I've done everything around the house, monitored and organised building work we've got going on as well as working full time as a teacher. I've driven an hour's round trip to get his prescription as well as any other bits he's needed collecting and cooked every single thing he could possibly need. My anxiety has been sky high because of the whole thing.

He has told work he's too unwell to return to work until next week at the earliest which I agreed with as I don't want him to rush back too soon. He's just announced he's going out shopping and for lunch in a town an hour away on Friday to meet some friends.

Am I allowed to feel annoyed? I'll be in work whilst he's off sick having a day out. I'm prepared to be told I am!

OP posts:

Wazzzzzzzup · 29/09/2021 20:08

I not you

Nowomenaroundeh · 29/09/2021 20:10

I think yabu but just a little.

Is it possible he is hoping he will be able to attend the lunch? I don't think he's taking the proverbial with his employer, it's only a lunch on his last sick day.

I'm assuming he is being paid and going back to work on Monday?

I think he should express some appreciation your way though and plan something for you both.

Original poster

CharlieBrown65 · 29/09/2021 20:12

@Thatsplentyjack

So he's going out on Friday and back to work on Monday? I don't really see the problem. He's probably desperate to get out for a while. He can just do some things around the house now he's feeling a bit better. "Monitoring building work" and cooking for 2 people for a couple of weeks can't have been that stressful

We dont currently have a kitchen so I've had to take apart and uninstall the entire kitchen on my own as we couldn't have anyone help us due to him having covid. Getting home from work at 6:30 each day and doing that has not been fun 🙈 We are currently cooking off a plug in hob and that's all we have which has meant it's been slightly more stressful than usual! He has other medical conditions which meant I've had to do an hour roudn trip to the hospital on two occasions to get tablets as well as coming home to strip the kitchen..

I have no issues looking after him and would gladly do it for as long as needed! Its been a lot on top of the above.

OP posts:

Original poster

CharlieBrown65 · 29/09/2021 20:14

I'm not sure if this is at me 🙈 I have no questions with him being ill or going to meet friends. Its the fact it's a two hour round trip that's the issue as well as shopping and lunch.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/09/2021 20:14

I think probably ok to meet friends, although it does sound a bit of a tiring day and not 100% sensible.

However it does suggest he’s now milking it a bit asking you to do things for him I’d stop that now.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/09/2021 20:16

I think I’d be getting takeaways in your shoes! Or microwave meals if you can access the microwave

CyclingIsNotOuting · 29/09/2021 20:17

I wouldn’t be happy about the driving.
The rest is fine.

westcountryboy · 29/09/2021 20:23

@FishesWithWishes

That's 100% gross misconduct if his work find out he's lost his job.

No it isn't! Unfit for work doesn't mean unfit to leave the house. He doesn't need to isolate any more as long as he doesn't have a fever. It's silly for people to go straight from bedridden to back to work. He should be gradually building up his activity and seeing how he feels because the fatigue can last ages.

Saying all that, if he's feeling well enough to go out for the afternoon then he's well enough to do some bits around the house. It's also a bit silly to go on a jolly because if people from work see him, they will think he's skiving.

TintinIsBack · 29/09/2021 20:32

Honestly he has been so unwell with it. Yesterday he tried to do some house work and his blood oxygen dropped really low. Its why I'm so confused about the whole thing.

He is stupid.
Serioulsy, if only yesterday he still had issues with his oxygen levels dropping, driving two hours and meeting up with friends isn’t a good idea. He is going to struggle.
I agree that he shouldn’t be at work. He also shouldn’t be doing so much all in one go just yet.

What I would resent A LOT is of he is doing that and then is expecting you to still run after him, cooking all the meals etc.. because.. he is shattered by the whole outing.
Please tell me you are not going to carry on mothering him now that he is ‘better’.

MrsClatterbuck · 29/09/2021 20:32

@FishesWithWishes

It's misconduct

Don't think so

TintinIsBack · 29/09/2021 20:36

Btw about the mixed messaging from him

His oxygen levels don’t lie. If they are still dropping like this that easily, I’d say he is still ill. I wouldn’t doubt that, nor would i doubt the fact he is not fit to go back to work.

I do question his sanity for wanting to do that much in the day. But he might also well think he can do because he is feeling better (whilst not moving and doing very little).
I might have been guilty of over guesstimating my own abilities in the past

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 29/09/2021 20:36

The bit that's not tying up is the fact he had low blood oxygen yesterday and you've been saying he has been unwell.

But how does he know he will be well enough to go out on Friday?
I'd stop doing everything for him if he's feeling well enough to be making plans like that tbh. And if he is only working a few hours next week I feel he is basically taking the piss and stringing it out

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 29/09/2021 20:37

And I imagine he needs to have a negative pcr or LFT before seeing his mates cause I doubt they would want to catch it..

squishymamma · 29/09/2021 20:38

OP, you're amazing doing all that for him. Especially with such anxiety. Hope you have a well-earned break this weekend.

Anyway, came on to say that this sounds like something my DH would do - not because he wants to take the piss, but because he genuinely believes he will be better in 2 days. He's probably going crazy after being stuck in isolation, his mates suggested this and he jumped at the chance without thinking it through. Have you tried talking to him about it? Maybe if you reason with him and bring up the things you're concerned about (like the drive) he'll realise it maybe isn't such a good idea after all. YANBU for feeling how you feel though, it's totally understandable.

Original poster

CharlieBrown65 · 29/09/2021 20:39

@TintinIsBack

Btw about the mixed messaging from him

His oxygen levels don’t lie. If they are still dropping like this that easily, I’d say he is still ill. I wouldn’t doubt that, nor would i doubt the fact he is not fit to go back to work.

I absolutely believe they don't lie, I know he's been so ill! Its not been nice to see and I have been trying to persuade him to do a phased return when he does go back.

I just feel a bit annoyed? I don't know if that's the right word that I'm running round after him whilst working and now he's ok to go out for lunch and shopping!

OP posts:

Spidey66 · 29/09/2021 20:50

What if someone was off for mental health issues and was advised to go to the gym? Or visit their mum/best friend?

What if someone was on their own and had to go to Tesco’s/Boots? What about appointments or support groups? Is that ok by MN standards?

Spidey66 · 29/09/2021 20:51

Basically it depends on circumstances imo

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 29/09/2021 20:54

Maybe because you've been doing everything for him and the house and the first thing he feels able to do is to go for lunch with friends. Not you.

TintinIsBack · 29/09/2021 20:55

@CharlieBrown65, is that about you feeling taken for granted when you’ve done a lot of effort during those last couple of weeks (which I think is fair enough. I would have done the same)?

But by choosing to spend his energy to go and see friends rather than on the house/cooking dinner/easing your load again it feels like a slap in the face?

JudgeJudee · 29/09/2021 20:55

@FishesWithWishes

That's 100% gross misconduct if his work find out he's lost his job.

Hello.

I’m a Labour Court adjudicator and here to tell you that it 100% is not gross misconduct.

ShaneTheThird · 29/09/2021 20:56

@JasonMomoasgirlfriend

And I imagine he needs to have a negative pcr or LFT before seeing his mates cause I doubt they would want to catch it..

Well that would be extremely pointless wouldn't it given you're not supposed to test for 90 days after being infected.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 29/09/2021 20:58

Really @ShaneTheThird?! But how do you know you aren't contagious anymore?!

CinnamonJellyBeans · 29/09/2021 20:58

It seems that you are unsure whether he is genuinely incapable of doing light housework, or simply malingering.

If he has underlying medical conditions, you can look forward to him being unavailable to do anything every time he is unwell, whether this be from genuine incapacitation or a desire to sit on his arse while you do everything.

If you think looking after one incapable person was anxiety inducing, you may want to reconsider any plans you have to have children with this man. How do you fancy finishing work, doing the nursery pick up and then feeding and cleaning up after the pair of them. Sounds like a lifetime of drudgery. I hope he is bringing a lot more to your relationship than demanding a hot water bottle like a querulous old man.

Next time he is sick, take care of his basic needs and no more. You've shown him that you will step up and then some by taking apart the kitchen on your own. Next time, he'll probably want you to build a conservatory whilst feeding him soft boiled eggs and giving the invalid version of a blow job because he's too exhausted to have proper sex.

Why did you take the kitchen apart on your own?

Talktalkchat · 29/09/2021 21:01

@FishesWithWishes

That's 100% gross misconduct if his work find out he's lost his job.

No it isn’t.

Apiddleawiddle · 29/09/2021 21:02

Yanbu to feel stressed out your nut, it's a lot to handle. However your partner is allowed to go out and as others put it 'test the water' and socialise a bit. Covid can leave people feeling drained even if they are technically well. I know it has caused anxiety in some people as an after effect. I have copd and when I have had a flare, it leaves me feeling like my nerves are shot, drained, sleepy, but it's also good to get out and do little non stressful things to build the energy back up and stretch the legs before getting back to the norm. I have had time off from work in the past due to mental health issues due to stresses at work and the doctor recommended I go out and do something fun, no responsibility, even have a few drinks and relax. So I went to a gig in a pub 😄 hey, it was prescribed! Haha.
It's fine to be stressed and even fine to express to him that maybe on another day he can take on some responsibility and take some off you so you can then go out and do something to relax too. Talk to each other about it. My partner and I are open if we start to feel there is too much on one individual before it gets to a point of resentfulness so talk to him and see if he can help give you a break too op. You deserve it, you're a trooper taking it all on 👏

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