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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Man having his own house

90 replies

thequad · 29/09/2021 10:05

My partner who is 50 has recently divorced. He has lost his home and is starting fresh.
He currently rents and it is reasonable.
He is moving jobs which will be near his Parents home. He will live there for the foreseeable future as rents are ridiculously high in their village.
He will continue to rent current home to have a base at weekends and holidays.
He has not decided for how long he will keep current home but I am concerned that when he stops renting current home , we will have no base to meet and spend time together on our own unless it's my home, where my child lives and stays on weekends we can be together.
We currently see each other eow for full weekend.
This is a great saving opportunity for him but I expect after divorce and being financially depleted , it may be years before he will get a mortgage. Is it fair if me to expect him to rent in his home village even if it rent is high or should he stay with his Parents indefinitely?

OP posts:

yoyo1234 · 29/09/2021 10:18

Will not renting his current home potentially help him financially (maybe to getting back on the property ladder )?

Original poster

thequad · 29/09/2021 10:23

He doesn't own it. He is a tenant. He has lost his home to divorce.

OP posts:

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 10:24

If you don't live together, then it is unreasonable for you to "expect" anything in terms of his living arrangements.

Original poster

thequad · 29/09/2021 10:27

Ok. Is it fair that our together time is at my house all the time.
We could stay at his family home but as we only spend eow together and a night on alternate weeks, Our privacy and together time should be a priority given our age etc.

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/09/2021 10:28

Is it fair if me to expect him to rent in his home village even if it rent is high or should he stay with his Parents indefinitely?

No, its not fair to expect him to pay high rent just so you have a place to meet up on weekends and holidays. He’s just gone through an expensive divorce and lost the family home. There is no way he can recover financially and get back on property ladder if he is paying high rent costs for a place he barely uses.

I suggest you meet half at yours, a quarter at his parents and a quarter on weekends away/hotels. It would be cheaper for him to take you away for a weekend once a month than to pay rent every month.

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 10:28

This is a great saving opportunity for him

Not if he retains his current rental, just to use at weekends.
He's 50.
If he wants to go back down the mortgage route, he'd need to save a massive deposit to be able to qualify for ownership again.

But it's his decision, isn't it - & being recently divorced, does he even know what he wants yet?

catfunk · 29/09/2021 10:30

YABVVU, Not ideal but this is his current situation. Take it or leave it I say.

vivainsomnia · 29/09/2021 10:31

You are jumping way ahead. He is keeping his current rental place. Surely one main driver behind it is to continue to spend time with you there?

What happens in months or year is for future discussion. Why would you want him to pay more now for what might maybe happen in the future?

It makes no sense and that demand would likely and rightly annoy him.

greensteps · 29/09/2021 10:35

“Ok. Is it fair that our together time is at my house all the time.“

Yes. Why not? What’s wrong with your house? Have you considered renting another one so that you have somewhere else to go?

yoyo1234 · 29/09/2021 10:36

When I said about renting his current home I meant as it is cheaper than renting in the more expensive village his parents are in. I think it is unreasonable to expect him to be even more financially hard up after an expensive divorce.

Spindrifting · 29/09/2021 10:37

You sound like you’re putting the cart way before the horse, if he’s already decided to retain his rental for the moment so that you have a base other than your house! How long have you been together? Why is having him at your house if it’s only every other weekend such a problem, if he does decide to stop renting? Are you prepared to help pay his rent for the sake of being able to stay at his sometimes?

user1471457751 · 29/09/2021 10:37

If he's keeping his current rental, why can't you just go there?

Akire · 29/09/2021 10:41

makes no sense to rent a home at full market rent if he is hoping to get a Mortgagee again. At 50 he has limited time left so he needs save massive money to pay of huge amounts to even get one in first place.

Long term would you be happy for him to move in with you and have no assets? Or ideally would you like him buy his own place and at some point both sell up and bring equity together?

If he can save massive amounts with staying with his parents then I would put up with it for the term buying tickets enable him get on the ladder again. Nice as it is have different place to go at weekends it is money down drain. He could be sharing expenses at yours for when he stays so you are not paying for everything.

Cocomarine · 29/09/2021 10:41

You would have him waste money on a rental that he doesn’t need, just through some odd sense that it’s “fair” to not spend all your time together at your place?

Absolutely fine to make a decision about being with someone that depends on their assets. But a bit odd to care about being in one house rather than another.

Cocomarine · 29/09/2021 10:46

Regarding getting on the ladder again, and saving a deposit…
That might not even be relevant.
There may be a delayed sale of the former marital home as part of the divorce settlement, or he may have taken his share of marital assets in the form of retaining more pension which he can access when he’s 55.

Long term, fine to understand his financial position and how it will impact you.
Short term, just let him stay at yours. Why wouldn’t you? Are you jealous of him getting some perceived free ride with his parents?

JustAnother0ldMan · 29/09/2021 10:46

If he’s 50 and single, he could potentially never afford another mortgage, unless he has some kind of financial interest left in his ex family home.
(I’m 50, and couldn’t afford to buy another house on just my income now)

EL8888 · 29/09/2021 10:48

I don’t think it’s your call about his living arrangements. He who pays the piper, calls the tune etc. But l don’t think it’s all on you to host all the time

“Our privacy and together time should be a priority given our age etc”. Not sure what your age has to do with it?

girlmom21 · 29/09/2021 10:49

YABU. You don't always want him at your house - you want to always be able to go to him.

If you want him to keep a shag pad that he wanted to stop renting, you should contribute half IMO.

Aprilx · 29/09/2021 10:58

I think you are being breathtakingly selfish. I have never had a helping hand from parents so have got myself where I am (a home owner) and at my current age if 51, the thought of having to start again would be very frightening.

How he chooses to go about climbing that hill is up to him not you. If you don’t like it then you can walk away.

godmum56 · 29/09/2021 10:58

Your partner is recently divorced....was it a long divorce or have you not been together long or were you the OW?

Cocomarine · 29/09/2021 10:59

If you only see him EOW and a night midweek, sounds like you fit that around contact arrangements for your own child.
So - you’re expecting him to accept your constraints, but don’t want to accept his.

AIBU to expect my girlfriend to get a babysitter (and pay for it) because she only makes time to see me when her kid is with their dad?

Cocomarine · 29/09/2021 11:00

@godmum56

Your partner is recently divorced....was it a long divorce or have you not been together long or were you the OW?

Do we have to go around asking every person dating post divorce if they had an affair?

PooWillyNameChange · 29/09/2021 11:00

Would a hotel 2 weekends a month not be much cheaper than rent?

2miz · 29/09/2021 11:00

For eow and alternating it would be better for him just to rent an air b and b or a hotel room for privacy rather than renting a place just to use for r weekends and holidays. If he needs to save money, renting a place just as a base seems such a waste of money.

spotcheck · 29/09/2021 11:01

Our privacy and together time should be a priority given our age etc

Surely have m getting back on the property market is the priority?

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