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AIBU?

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Original poster

Man having his own house

90 replies

thequad · 29/09/2021 10:05

My partner who is 50 has recently divorced. He has lost his home and is starting fresh.
He currently rents and it is reasonable.
He is moving jobs which will be near his Parents home. He will live there for the foreseeable future as rents are ridiculously high in their village.
He will continue to rent current home to have a base at weekends and holidays.
He has not decided for how long he will keep current home but I am concerned that when he stops renting current home , we will have no base to meet and spend time together on our own unless it's my home, where my child lives and stays on weekends we can be together.
We currently see each other eow for full weekend.
This is a great saving opportunity for him but I expect after divorce and being financially depleted , it may be years before he will get a mortgage. Is it fair if me to expect him to rent in his home village even if it rent is high or should he stay with his Parents indefinitely?

OP posts:
spotcheck · 29/09/2021 11:01
  • surely him ...
LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 11:02

@thequad

Ok. Is it fair that our together time is at my house all the time. We could stay at his family home but as we only spend eow together and a night on alternate weeks, Our privacy and together time should be a priority given our age etc.
But why should privacy and together time be a priority? You are coming across very controlling.

You don't have a right to tell him what to do. Of course you don't have to stay with him.

AryaStarkWolf · 29/09/2021 11:04

@thequad

Ok. Is it fair that our together time is at my house all the time. We could stay at his family home but as we only spend eow together and a night on alternate weeks, Our privacy and together time should be a priority given our age etc.
Why don't you go to a hotel every second time then. It's unreasonable to expect him to pay rent just so you have somewhere to meet every second weekend, yeah, massively unreasonable actually
Flickeringgreenlight · 29/09/2021 11:04

Our privacy and together time should be a priority given our age etc.

Surely the priority is him trying to build a secure future for himself once again. If that means living with his parents for a while and meeting at yours for the foreseeable then so be it. I don't understand the issue. You should absolutely try and change your mindset on this one and be a bit more supportive.

womaninatightspot · 29/09/2021 11:16

@PooWillyNameChange

Would a hotel 2 weekends a month not be much cheaper than rent?
I thought this. Somehow hotel sex is always better. Massive beds with billowy white sheets and no one is responsible for hoovering etc. You could even just book it for Saturday nights and spend Sat/ Sun doing fun stuff exploring the sights. Book somewhere further afield to keep things fresh. I think it could be quite fun if you had the right mindset.
spotcheck · 29/09/2021 11:26

And op
You have kids- you can't spend the ' priority' time together because of your kids.
Tis a bit unfair to ask him to put himself at financial risk because it is convenient to your situation. A bit selfish, I think.

HardStaringBearFromDarkestPeru · 29/09/2021 11:28

I think a lot of people - both women & men - end up starting again financially post-divorce.
If he gives up his flat, he might be able to save a deposit quicker.
However it is very likely now that he is back, financially-wise, to where he was at least 20 years ago ie saving for a deposit or paying rent with properties now even more expensive.
Provided he doesn't start hinting about moving in to your home & he pays his way when he does stay at yours then the situation will unfortunately have to continue like this.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 11:45

I am now wondering exactly what his finances and choices about where to live have to do with the OP? Poor bloke. Gets out of one marriage and then has the new partner take over and tell him what he should do

Lifelines11 · 29/09/2021 11:55

Yabvu

In a true and fair partnership the partner who is more financially viable should be able to support, to a fair degree the other partner. Of course the other partner can't be a cocklodger and shouldn't be6 a financial liability to the other. They should be trying to improve this situation. You aren't in a partnership OP.
If you were, your patnerr could stay at his parents using the spare income for weekends away with you and saving for a deposit. And stay at your house for the privacy when possible.

Not long after I met my dp now dh, I had to leave my job on a settlement agreement. With his agreement I used the money to retrain and later moved in with him. I paid for our food bills for a year and he covered the utilities. The next year when I was working I covered all the bills and he went back to study. That's a partnership.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 12:04

But they aren't living together. So OP doesn't get a say.

Lifelines11 · 29/09/2021 12:08

When we weren't living together and I was working I paid more as I had more income?

Youdoyoutoday · 29/09/2021 12:21

You sound a bit bratty here, OP.
Surely you must realise a man of 50 is going to need a massive deposit for a new mortgage so he's better off not renting and saving the money?

And why can't you spend time at your house? How old are your kids?

Pffffft · 29/09/2021 12:34

And what would you say if he said something aling the lines of ‘Seeing as I can’t really afford another home of my own and rent is extortionate would I be unreaonable to say that she should move her child out every other weekend to a family members home so we can have alone time.’

Not sure it would go down well with you either.

MotherOfDragons27 · 29/09/2021 13:06

Am I reading this right? He's living with parents (or will be) and you want him to keep paying rent on a place that will be empty most of the time just so you can go there to have a shag twice a month? Why is it a problem that he comes to your house every time you're together? Is there a reason you don't want him there?

When I got with my partner he came to my house to visit me as my children would be in bed when he'd visit on an evening. He lived with his parents and I'd stay there sometimes when my kids were with their dad. Couple of time he paid for a hotel night away for a treat. But never would I expect him to rent somewhere purely as a shag pad just because I didn't want him at my house each time? This is bizarre.

MotherOfDragons27 · 29/09/2021 13:07

Also at the age of 50, with no significant deposit it is VERY unlikely anyone would give him a mortgage.

Thehop · 29/09/2021 13:10

You can’t expect him to pay high rent just so you have a shag pad eow!

You’ll have to shuffle shifts for your house and him book a hotel once or twice a month.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2021 13:15

Your boyfriend's living arrangements are none of your business, honestly.

willithappen · 29/09/2021 13:15

How old is your child? Where does child go while you are spending time with your partner?

I think you are BU here, a lot. You can't expect him to keep a place just so you have time to spend together. Circumstances change so either you go to his parents and spent time there or he comes to yours and you figure stuff out. It shouldn't be on him to ensure you have a 'private' space if it's you wanting it

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/09/2021 13:16

Do you actually mean that you don't want to spend your life/time with someone who doesn't have a home of their own?
Cos if that's how you feel, you should just own that. Cos you know that logically yabu.

Holly60 · 29/09/2021 13:16

Yep either share the cost of renting somewhere or pay for a hotel when you want.

You can’t expect him to fork out for something he doesn’t want just because it works for you.

Original poster
thequad · 29/09/2021 13:17

I would really like for him to have a home of his own either bought or rented within a year or so, yes. Is that unreasonable ?

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 29/09/2021 13:21

@thequad

I would really like for him to have a home of his own either bought or rented within a year or so, yes. Is that unreasonable ?
Yes. It isn't your business where he lives, and it doesn't sound like he can afford it right now. You can't dictate to him where he should live.
AlexaShutUp · 29/09/2021 13:22

Of course, you can decide that the relationship is not for you if you're unhappy with the financial decisions that he is taking. What you don't get to do is decide how he spends his money.

MotherOfDragons27 · 29/09/2021 13:23

@thequad

I would really like for him to have a home of his own either bought or rented within a year or so, yes. Is that unreasonable ?
Yes, it is. Why would you like him to have a home of his own within a year? What difference does it make to you?
Driftingblue · 29/09/2021 13:25

I’m trying to understand this. He divorced and had to find work. He got a new job, but it’s far from his kids? So he is staying with his parents while he works and then goes back to his rental for when he has his kids?

You don’t mention him having children, but I can’t think of any other reason for him to keep renting his old place.