Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Man having his own house

90 replies

thequad · 29/09/2021 10:05

My partner who is 50 has recently divorced. He has lost his home and is starting fresh.
He currently rents and it is reasonable.
He is moving jobs which will be near his Parents home. He will live there for the foreseeable future as rents are ridiculously high in their village.
He will continue to rent current home to have a base at weekends and holidays.
He has not decided for how long he will keep current home but I am concerned that when he stops renting current home , we will have no base to meet and spend time together on our own unless it's my home, where my child lives and stays on weekends we can be together.
We currently see each other eow for full weekend.
This is a great saving opportunity for him but I expect after divorce and being financially depleted , it may be years before he will get a mortgage. Is it fair if me to expect him to rent in his home village even if it rent is high or should he stay with his Parents indefinitely?

OP posts:

willithappen · 29/09/2021 13:25

@thequad

I would really like for him to have a home of his own either bought or rented within a year or so, yes. Is that unreasonable ?

So do you not see things progressing to the point of you two ever moving in together then?

BornIn78 · 29/09/2021 13:25

I know what you mean OP, a man in his 50’s living with his parents would not be an exciting dating prospect for me.

I guess it would depend on his attitude to living there, the timescale (as he sees it) for living there, and his enthusiasm and initiative for arranging time together that doesn’t involve him turning up at yours every weekend expecting to be hosted and not contributing towards that in any way.

Cocomarine · 29/09/2021 13:28

@thequad

I would really like for him to have a home of his own either bought or rented within a year or so, yes. Is that unreasonable ?

Not unreasonable to have your own choices, no.

But also not unreasonable for him not to spend £900 (?) a month to accommodate you wanting to go round to his place instead of yours.

(£900: in my area you can’t rent for under £700, add £100 for CT and £100 for utility standing charges, contents insurance…)

What’s really bothering you here?
I reckon that bottom line, it’s about him not coming with assets. And that’s fine - I’d support you in that.

I wouldn’t want to date a 50yo who’d never lived away from parents. But a 50yo making a wise financial choice to move back there? No problem. He’s renting now, so it doesn’t sound like warning signals that he’s a sponger off his parents and you think he might sponge off you.

Why is it actually a problem for you to host him? Is it because he doesn’t pay his way and you have to feed him? Or because you can’t relax properly as you’re the “host”? It would help if you could put your finger on what your issue is.

Is it that your ideal man doesn’t live at home with mum and dad, and you actually think that makes him a failure?

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 13:28

@thequad

I would really like for him to have a home of his own either bought or rented within a year or so, yes. Is that unreasonable ?

Totally.

Maybe you should split up, & date a nice semi-detached instead.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/09/2021 13:33

It's not unreasonable for you to feel that way.
Thinking about your own financial future and what life will be like with a partner is sensible. If what life will be like doesn't appeal to you then move on. But be nice.

AndTime · 29/09/2021 13:42

I am confused. You say he is keeping his current rental, so why then would he need another one?

It seems silly to me for him to rent at all when he can live with his parents and save again for a deposit.

you can take turns paying for nights away in a hotel if you don't want him at yours.

Original poster

thequad · 29/09/2021 13:44

To
Answer.. what is bothering me is that I am overwhelmed in my Own life as a single mother of four kids.The early teenager refuses to go to her Dad and skulks around the house expecteing me to entertain her or act as taxi at all hours of day and night. There is no privacy and she is moody and difficult generally. I would love that break or privacy at weekends. There iSnt any break at all because she refuses to be left alone whereas before we asa couple always alternated weekends and I had sleep and relaxation. I know I'm
Being unreasonable deep
Down. I'm just sad it's changing. Thanks .

OP posts:

MotherOfDragons27 · 29/09/2021 13:49

@thequad

To Answer.. what is bothering me is that I am overwhelmed in my Own life as a single mother of four kids.The early teenager refuses to go to her Dad and skulks around the house expecteing me to entertain her or act as taxi at all hours of day and night. There is no privacy and she is moody and difficult generally. I would love that break or privacy at weekends. There iSnt any break at all because she refuses to be left alone whereas before we asa couple always alternated weekends and I had sleep and relaxation. I know I'm Being unreasonable deep Down. I'm just sad it's changing. Thanks .

I sympathise but with respect, that is your problem. It's unreasonable to expect him to provide you with a private space at his cost due to your own circumstances. This isn't about him at all, it's about your kids.

housewifeathome · 29/09/2021 13:49

@thequad

I would really like for him to have a home of his own either bought or rented within a year or so, yes. Is that unreasonable ?

He sounds quite sensible from your other posts.

What are you worried about?

My DH didn't have his own home (rented or owned) when we met. I did. He lived with his parents. My house was always our "base" until we got married and bought a house together. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 13:55

@thequad

To Answer.. what is bothering me is that I am overwhelmed in my Own life as a single mother of four kids.The early teenager refuses to go to her Dad and skulks around the house expecteing me to entertain her or act as taxi at all hours of day and night. There is no privacy and she is moody and difficult generally. I would love that break or privacy at weekends. There iSnt any break at all because she refuses to be left alone whereas before we asa couple always alternated weekends and I had sleep and relaxation. I know I'm Being unreasonable deep Down. I'm just sad it's changing. Thanks .

I'm sorry, this sounds very difficult.

But it also sounds like your DD is crying out for your attention, & overwhelmed or not, you're the only parent left to give it to her.

If you are serious about your b/f, why not enjoy each other's occasional company over the next couple of years, while he bases at his folks' & saves, & you focus on bringing your DD through her current growing pains?

It's not ideal, but family life isn't, & your DD won't be 14 for long.
You can still have weekends away with b/f. Especially if he isn't wasting money on rent!

After a couple of years, if you still feel committed, you & b/f may be in a much better place, childwise & financially, to start putting together the kind of life you might want to share together.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/09/2021 13:57

@thequad

To Answer.. what is bothering me is that I am overwhelmed in my Own life as a single mother of four kids.The early teenager refuses to go to her Dad and skulks around the house expecteing me to entertain her or act as taxi at all hours of day and night. There is no privacy and she is moody and difficult generally. I would love that break or privacy at weekends. There iSnt any break at all because she refuses to be left alone whereas before we asa couple always alternated weekends and I had sleep and relaxation. I know I'm Being unreasonable deep Down. I'm just sad it's changing. Thanks .

You don’t need a ‘base’ as PP have said. A hotel or similar Will still give you a place to meet…

1forAll74 · 29/09/2021 14:10

He might be better off with his parents for now, especially as you are not pleased with what he thinks is best for him. He has things to think about, and sort out, so don't demand anything from him.

HaveringWavering · 29/09/2021 14:15

I don’t understand how him having a place addresses the issue of your DD refusing to go to her Dad’s? Where is she when you spend weekends at your boyfriend’s house?

Original poster

thequad · 29/09/2021 14:20

She would sometimes agree to go to her Aunts who she gets on very well with or a sleepover at a friends

OP posts:

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 14:30

@thequad

I would really like for him to have a home of his own either bought or rented within a year or so, yes. Is that unreasonable ?

Of course it is! You don't get to decide his living arrangements. It sounds like this is about your own living arrangements and the fact they aren't ideal with your DD - in the nicest possible way, this is not something he can or should fix.

It might be worth considering splitting with him and spending time with your daughter - teenage years are shit! And perhaps finding a man with a suitable property who can provide a place to get away from your child(ren). Let him find a partner who does get involved in his living arrangements.

willithappen · 29/09/2021 16:42

@thequad

She would sometimes agree to go to her Aunts who she gets on very well with or a sleepover at a friends

So surely just keep this in place and both of you can spend time at your house on your own and in privacy?

MoreStuffingMatron · 29/09/2021 17:34

Buy a caravan & park it in your drive/garden for your romantic rendezvous, OP. When the DC are older add a tow bar to the car & go away together on weekends!

If he ‘lost’ the house did he not receive sufficient equity for a house deposit? Or did he keep his pension intact in exchange for the house? What I am trying to say is that surely he must have received a fair share of the matrimonial assets?

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 17:37

What I am trying to say is that surely he must have received a fair share of the matrimonial assets?

Is that actually the OP's business though? And even if she knows, it has nothing to do with her what he does with it

Fireflygal · 29/09/2021 17:42

It's fine for you to be sad but you can't force him to make financial commitments that don't suit him. I personally wouldn't like to date a man who lived with parents because it would mean I had to host all the time.

sadie9 · 29/09/2021 17:44

Your partner should be involved in planning about you and his future together. Have you discussed this with him.
Privacy is not a right unfortunately when you have 4 kids.
If you had a partner/husband living there you'd have to find ways to have sex or else wait til they were all out. You couldn't hope to get the house to yourselves for an entire weekend.
You'll start resenting your DD for wanting to be in her own home!!
She's entitled to be there and doesn't have to be turfed out.
Things will definitely change as your kids get older. They may not want to go to their Dad's when they are supposed to - and that's their right to choose that.

MatildaTheCat · 29/09/2021 17:50

I’d say there’s a good chance he won’t much like staying with his parents and will keep his rental going if the distances and logistics make it viable.

I get your point but in reality unless you are very serious then his decisions won’t centre around your relationship. As it stands he’s chosen to keep the house so things may not change anyway.

Nightbringer · 29/09/2021 17:54

@thequad

To Answer.. what is bothering me is that I am overwhelmed in my Own life as a single mother of four kids.The early teenager refuses to go to her Dad and skulks around the house expecteing me to entertain her or act as taxi at all hours of day and night. There is no privacy and she is moody and difficult generally. I would love that break or privacy at weekends. There iSnt any break at all because she refuses to be left alone whereas before we asa couple always alternated weekends and I had sleep and relaxation. I know I'm Being unreasonable deep Down. I'm just sad it's changing. Thanks .

But that's not his issue to sort.

You want him to pay a huge amount in rent near is parents or rent an entire house so you can spend 4 nights a fortnight together?

Essentially, you want him to pay out extra because your teen doesn't want to go to her dad's?

If its that's important to you, you pay for a weekend 'shag pad'

Waspsarearseholes · 29/09/2021 17:57

You want him to keep paying rent on a house for you to 'escape' to four days out of 30 because your four children don't give you a break. That's essentially what you are asking him to do. Pressuring him into buying a house within a year because you find your daughter's behaviour difficult. Where does his financial security factor in to your little escape plan? Or doesn't that matter to you at all? You are so, so unreasonable.

LukeEvansWife · 29/09/2021 18:05

If he's been divorced fairly recently then I don't imagine he's going to be rushing to share his life with anyone, particularly if your life is as complicated as it sounds.

Plus seeing him one weekend every fortnight doesn't sound committed enough to have a say in each other's lives

Pinkdelight3 · 29/09/2021 18:08

Our privacy and together time should be a priority given our age etc

Well, you know, me and DH hav got two DCs and have no privacy or together time. Many couples your age don't either unless they go to a hotel for a break from it all. Would love DH to buy another house so we have somewhere to get away, but you know, most people have financial limits whether they're single or not.

He'll live with his parents. You live with your 4 DCs. Neither is ideal, but this is how it is. You can't expect him to splurge on an expensive rental that he doesn't need. Makes much more sense for him to save money.

Flip

1 2 3 4