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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am but I’m still going to vent

125 replies

CallASpade · 29/09/2021 06:16

Currently on holiday in a very wet part of Scotland with my husband, baby and in-laws. The holiday was the in-laws idea. We initially declined to come for various reasons - holidays with a baby of this age don’t really feel like holidays, the baby sleeps very badly when away from home, felt like it would be a lot of work for not much reward.

The in-laws begged us to agree and promised to help with childcare while on holiday so it was a break for us too. We agreed on that basis, which was silly really because the one reliable thing in life is that offers of childcare are often made by people who will never actually follow through on that offer when the chips are down.

As predicted, the baby is sleeping abominably. We’re all sharing a room which means we disturb one another, and when she wakes up she can see us so she gets up fully instead of going back to sleep. She has been waking for the day at 4am daily.

We have asked my in-laws if they could just have her for a couple of hours from 6am to 8am so we can get a bit more sleep before getting up for the day. They keep on agreeing to this and then just… not getting up. The past three mornings they’ve come in at 9 / 9:30am saying how well they’re sleeping here and how unusual it is for them not to wake at 6 like they normally do.

They’ve then had the cheek to be overtly disappointed and a bit snarky about us not being up for activities like 12 mile rainy hikes and dinners out because we’re shattered from being disturbed all night then getting up at 4am.

The fault is obviously mine for allowing myself to be talked into a trip on the basis of promises that I knew I probably couldn’t rely on, but AIBU to be annoyed that they couldn’t even set an alarm for one morning to ensure they got up and gave us a break on the trip they insisted we come on?!

Thank fuck we’re going home today.

OP posts:
Eastie77Returns · 29/09/2021 12:09

I don't think they offered to do the 6am shift. As I read it, the OP asked if they could and they agreed. They may have felt they couldn't refuse without sounding rude or didn't really think it through.

The reality is if they are not awoken by the baby at 6am they are unlikely to proactively get up and go and get her at that time.

OP, in your position I would make plans to leave. It sounds miserable. Explain to your in-laws you are exhausted. This might prompt them into actually offering to put baby in their room overnight.

Stickyblue1987 · 29/09/2021 12:27

I think you're being unreasonable. You and your dh should take turns in having a lie in. Then at least you're getting sleep at least one in two nights. That's surely what most parents expect to do (well we did anyway and still to this day take turns with dc at weekends/ holidays).

My parents are very helpful but I would never expect them to get up at 6am to look after my dc- it's their holiday too and they should be able to rest. You're the parent of a baby so I think as parents you need to suck it up. The very early morning obviously doesn't work for them. Why don't you suggest you go back to bed when they actually do get up?

ShuddaBeenMe · 29/09/2021 12:27

I would pack up and go home.

VeganCow · 29/09/2021 14:57

That would piss me off that much Id confront them directly- "I only agreed to come away with you because you said you would get up early to let us catch up on sleep, and you haven't done it once. Please remember this when we refuse your further requests to come away again"

Aprilx · 29/09/2021 15:10

@VeganCow

That would piss me off that much Id confront them directly- "I only agreed to come away with you because you said you would get up early to let us catch up on sleep, and you haven't done it once. Please remember this when we refuse your further requests to come away again"
But they didn’t say that, they said they would help with childcare. I expect they meant in the afternoon or the evening and were very surprised to be asked to get up at 6am or have the baby in their room!
StormyTeacups · 29/09/2021 16:27

Why aren't you and dh taking it in turns to sleep in?

PinkSyCo · 29/09/2021 21:23

YANBU. You sound like you’re having an awful time and I would be fuming with my in-laws for going back on their word of helping with childcare, that is if they do actually realise how badly your baby is sleeping every night. Do they help out with your DD at all during the day?

baffledcoconut · 29/09/2021 22:03

I’m still waiting for help with my newborn.

My newborn is 7 now. It just never materialised but the stories of how hard it was when my husband was a child were rife. Yes it is fucking hard- help me out here!

Go home. Drink wine. Chalk it up as a terrible experience to never repeat. Never expect help and plan for doing it alone. You have my sympathies.

Bertiebiscuit · 30/09/2021 18:08

Your in laws are selfish, inconsiderate and frankly insensitive - so just try to always remember this when in future they want to see their grandchild /grandchildren, just remind yourself and them how crap they were when you really needed them - just bear that grudge and pay them back. They sound awful

CallmeBadJanet · 30/09/2021 18:18

@MargosKaftan Non sleeping baby, so true. Everyone told me just to get him into a routine.Duhh! He was in a routine, just didn't want to sleep. We didn't go on holiday with anyone else. Mind you the fecker won't get out of bed before 12 now 🙄

CheesyWeez · 30/09/2021 18:19

I hope you're cosy at home now OP.
When the inlays say "We had a nice holiday didn't we?" Please reply "You did, but we were up every day at 4am with the baby"
If they say they helped, remind them that they only offered but did not actually help.

WithMyEncyclopedia · 30/09/2021 18:24

OP It's one thing to not enjoy a holiday but it's EXTRA rage-inducing when you predicted every aspect of it and still got talked into changing your mind. You want to believe something will magically change to make dc sleep/ you feel relaxed and energised on zero sleep but deep down you know it won't...

First holidays with a baby are always a chore, it does get better honest! They'll be so much different next year (even if their sleep is still crap).

WithMyEncyclopedia · 30/09/2021 18:28

We (well me really) were up at 6 and pretty much ready to go out at 10:as had exhausted all things to do. Everyone else was just surfacing then and were ready to go out after about 20 cups of tea by which time it was lunchtime for dc. It was really tough and not remotely enjoyable.

Oh god yes this!

Namechangedididittoo · 30/09/2021 18:30

When my daughter was 6 months old (many years ago) we went on holiday with in laws (now ex) mil said she would look after baby while we did an activity we were gone an hour and a half,on getting back she handed me dd and said she poo’d around half hour ago so will need changing😡

Pixxie7 · 30/09/2021 18:34

Could you perhaps ask them to have baby for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I think specifying a time between 4am is a bit off if I am honest, but a couple of hrs in the afternoon would enable you to catch up on some sleep.

Neonplant · 30/09/2021 18:35

Why didn't you ask them to have the baby once they got up or at a reasonable time? I think offering to help with childcare probably doesn't mean the 6am to 8am slot to be fair.

I don't really think it's fair to blame them when you said yes. How are they to know it was a begrudging yes? I think in future you owe it to yourself and the people you're around to only do things which actually work for you. Rather than doing things and seething.

BiscuitLover09876 · 30/09/2021 18:38

They are being very unreasonable!

bringincrazyback · 30/09/2021 18:44

@SandysMam

I think it’s unreasonable to ask anyone to take your baby at 6am and unless this was the specific plan when you booked, YABU. Give them the bag for the afternoon so you can have a nap but don’t be angry with them for not taking her at 6am.
Even though the ILs are normally up at 6 from the sounds of it?

Really unreasonable of them to put so much pressure on the OP to come on the holiday then renege on their promise and act pissy they're tired, imho.

thetesdybears · 30/09/2021 18:46

You should have just sent ur husband in with the baby to wake them up.

He cld just have said ur turn now we need some more sleep. They offered so I'd have def woke them up to take over!

bringincrazyback · 30/09/2021 18:49

YABU to think holidays with babies aren’t holidays

Depends on your definition of holiday, surely?!
To me a holiday means relaxation. A trip with a baby is more 'trip' than 'holiday' imho.

Neonplant · 30/09/2021 19:04

I can't believe how entitled people on this thread are. To think an offer of help with childcare means you should be woken up at 6am on holiday to do the childcare you offered is fucking wild and massively entitled.

It's not their child. Why should they go without sleep to look after your kid? Just because they offered childcare doesn't mean they will do it when they would be sleeping.

And people say being a parent doesn't make you selfish and entitled wow!

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 30/09/2021 19:13

I agree that when these offered to help with childcare, I doubt they meant at 6am. So I do think that was a slightly cheeky assumption you made. After the first morning of that not working though, why didn’t you have a conversation about it: ‘hey MiL we’re really exhausted after such a bad night and obviously the early morning thing didn’t work out so what would suit you in terms of helping with Dc?’ And if whatever was agreed didn’t work out the next day, you explain politely that you’re heading home because the holiday isn’t working for you without the support you were promised. Then you follow through and leave. Why stay and have a shit time without properly attempting to solve it? I can see why you’re disappointed but honestly I don’t think you have handled this brilliantly by asking for help at a time that is really a bit unreasonable and the just staying put and seething when that (and nothing else) was forthcoming.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 30/09/2021 19:15

And agree with PPs wondering why you and DH didn’t at least alternate lie ins while the other one got up with the baby, that would have helped a hit surely.

fallhappy1 · 30/09/2021 19:17

Kudos to you for staying there. I think I would have just gone home after the first couple of nights of no sleep. Agree with other PP ask PIL to take LO for one night so you can get some sleep and have at least one day to enjoy without being severely sleep deprived.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 30/09/2021 19:17

I feel your pain. For many years we holidayed with in laws. They were good in that most days we could pop to the shops for an hour (via the pub), while they watched the children do an activity or watch tv, they might take them for a walk. What did annoy me is they would disappear just before bed time every single night and come back after bed time and monopolise the tv. Dh and I got no time alone on an evening which we really missed.