I know I am but I’m still going to vent

[CallASpade]

Currently on holiday in a very wet part of Scotland with my husband, baby and in-laws. The holiday was the in-laws idea. We initially declined to come for various reasons - holidays with a baby of this age don’t really feel like holidays, the baby sleeps very badly when away from home, felt like it would be a lot of work for not much reward.

The in-laws begged us to agree and promised to help with childcare while on holiday so it was a break for us too. We agreed on that basis, which was silly really because the one reliable thing in life is that offers of childcare are often made by people who will never actually follow through on that offer when the chips are down.

As predicted, the baby is sleeping abominably. We’re all sharing a room which means we disturb one another, and when she wakes up she can see us so she gets up fully instead of going back to sleep. She has been waking for the day at 4am daily.

We have asked my in-laws if they could just have her for a couple of hours from 6am to 8am so we can get a bit more sleep before getting up for the day. They keep on agreeing to this and then just… not getting up. The past three mornings they’ve come in at 9 / 9:30am saying how well they’re sleeping here and how unusual it is for them not to wake at 6 like they normally do.

They’ve then had the cheek to be overtly disappointed and a bit snarky about us not being up for activities like 12 mile rainy hikes and dinners out because we’re shattered from being disturbed all night then getting up at 4am.

The fault is obviously mine for allowing myself to be talked into a trip on the basis of promises that I knew I probably couldn’t rely on, but AIBU to be annoyed that they couldn’t even set an alarm for one morning to ensure they got up and gave us a break on the trip they insisted we come on?!

Thank fuck we’re going home today.

Tell the in-laws that you're thinking of packing up and going home, as the routine is better there and you aren't all up at 4am.
It sounds miserable to be honest.

Holidays with babies don't really exist if they don't go down and sleep the night.

Now you know and need never entertain the idea again.

Have they taken the baby for a few hours at all?

If not, I would be pissed off at being absolutely lied to.

Chalk it up to experience. I'd thank them for the holiday when leaving but I would also be honest and say you won't be doing it again until the baby is a lot older as it was exhausting waking at 4am daily and not enjoyable.

At least you've been proven right - that always makes me feel better

I have never gone away with another couple and an 11 month old. However if I did, I would be most surprised to find that they left the baby in my room overnight or knocked on my door at 6am and asked me to get up with the baby! Honestly mumsnet has some crazy ideas sometimes.

Ffs I remember this stuff

We would turn up at parents with a car full of stuff for a LOVELY weekend with the extended family with a baby/inquisitive toddler.

They all had a lovely weekend and I look like death on the pictures NO ONE helped me at all and the heating wouldn’t even come on at the time me and toddler got up, nowhere was toddler proof, fragile stuff everywhere etc.

Gosh makes me seethe to think of it

It's not another couple @Aprilx . It's the babies DGPs who generally wake up at 6 and said they would help with childcare.

What did they say when you told them that you weren’t up for hikes or dinners out because you were exhausted, because the help they promised never came?

Vent away. Lack of sleep is shit and add on top of that resentment because you were promised help as a reason to go and it didnt materialise. At least you know for future reference and wont fall into that trap again.

Lesson learned. You're going home today anyway.
In the future refuse any such holidays until the child is much older.
You can say the last holiday didn't work for us so we won't be doing this again.
Don't be forced into it.
Sounds like a bloody nightmare.
As for the rainy 12 mile hikes - fuck that... and I'm a hiker who does regular multi-day treks. Someone has to carry the baby in a baby carrier for 12 miles in the fucking rain. Everyone ends up wet, cold and miserable. It's all very well hiking in the rain when you really have to - if you're on a long-distance trek, or if you're caught out by the weather - or even if you're some sick fuck who likes it - but with a baby? No thanks, totally inappropriate activity for the baby!

How have you not said anything?! "Oh we slept amazing, I can't believe we're not waking up at 6am like usual!" "I thought you said you'd get up at 6am so we could have some sleep as we're not getting any and we're exhausted?"
I'd actually go knock on their door. I'm sick of being asked if my 4mo DS is sleeping through yet. No. He's not. And don't bloody offer to help if you're then not going to help. It's just cruel, you give someone hope then snatch it away.

Tell them when they ask why you're not doing fun things that you told them you wouldn't enjoy a holiday, that you're more tired here than at home, like you told them you would be, they promised to help and all they've done is tell you how amazing THEY'RE sleeping.

We went on a terrible holiday with my parents when we had one baby who didn't sleep. Very similar situation to you, except Spain so at least it wasn't raining. I said never again. This year I got talked into another holiday, this time with now toddler and new baby. Awful again. Exhausting and stressful. We should've just left after a few days but struggled on. I think the promises of help that don't appear is almost worse than no help at all. Anyway no advice, just moral support coming your way!

I feel your pain. We also agreed to a 'restful' holiday with the PIL and our non-sleeping baby. The promises to get us to agree were them taking baby out for a walk when they got up so we could have a few hours' sleep, taking turns to cook, them babysitting for a few hours a couple of evenings so we could go out. Reality was PIL refusing to leave the cottage unless we all went out together, occasionally looking after baby in the morning but making so much noise any sleep was impossible (and tapping on the door every few minutes to see if we wanted a drink/were awake yet/what we wanted to do that day etc), babysitting one evening but calling us back after 15mins because baby wouldn't settle (ie didn't just sleep, as we had explained), DH and I doing all the cooking. The best bit was when DH said he'd take them all out for a few hours one morning so I could have a break- and they insisted on staying with me.

We had some really lovely holidays with just us and out baby- with no particular plans so we could just lounge around if we were tired.

I fell for this every time. It is absolutely enraging isn't it? My parents would always make noises about how exhausted i seemed etc, and they told me to come and stay with them "you won't have to lift a finger, we will take DS after he has been fed and get him back to sleep for you etc etc". Was there any fucking sign of them during the night? No there was not. I remember also going to bed at 7pm because the baby had gone to sleep and I knew he would be awake again in two or three hours, and my dad expressing surprise. "It's only seven o'clock!"
My parents are lovely people. I know they wanted to help. Looking after a baby all night would have been massively difficult for them and a huge ask. But then why say you will do it?!

I think asking them to get up at 6am with your baby is a bit much. I wouldn’t dare! In my mind, helping out with childcare means perhaps babysitting so you can have night at the pub, or amusing your DC so you can have a shower alone, or entertaining them whilst you eat lunch...not getting up at 6am to look after them. There are two of you after all. And you don’t need to get up and start doing anything too strenuous..put the tv on, give her some toys. It’s frustrating, definitely, but don’t let it put you off holidays. If you have a poor sleeper, use holidays to get plenty of early nights, some nice lunches out and some fun trips out in the morning. My friends child got up at 4am on holiday- she has 2 others - and they were all in the playground by 6am (!), on the beach at 8.30 and back for lunch and a glass of wine by 12.30! In bed by 6pm! A bit different, it worked for her!

Can you go home early.

I would, and just tell them that baby isn't sleeping well and you are both shattered, so are going home so at least a bit better sleep.

And if they say that they will get up early so you both can have some more rest, ignore them as you know it won't happen..

Oh - and I know they said they would get up at 6am with the baby, but they probably thought you wouldn’t actually expect them to do to it! (And tbf, you didn’t - otherwise you’d have woken them).

There is something about being away from home surroundings that makes even usually helpful DPs and ILs turn into less helpful versions of themselves.

I remember treating DPs to an expensive trip to say thank you for looking after DS and listening to DF moan that they couldn't get the radiator in the room to work correctly and have to manage outings with baby DS to work around seemingly unmissable rigidly scheduled times for morning coffee, lunch and afternoon tea.

I found it baffling as whilst DF has always been a selfish soul DM was great at home at looking after DS and being an enormous help.

We never went away with them again.

Why aren't you or your husband asking them to make good on their promise?

Ah that’s shit for you, bet it feels like they are rubbing it in a teeny bit going on about how well they are sleeping!!!
I think they should be offering to take the baby for a few hours during the day, maybe not a 6am as that’s still quite early, but to at least give you some down time. I do remember our first holiday with DS1 and PIL came, we had a lovely hotel in Ibiza, and every day I felt utter rage when everyone waltzed off to the buffet and got their plates of food and I was left wrestling a screaming DS into a high chair, when he wanted to be out and crawling around the dining room, or when they all settled down for a nice snooze in the sun, What the hell was I thinking?!? After that We did SC until the kids were all a bit older.

I would happily agree to helping with childcare duties if going on holiday with relatives with a baby. However, I would mean in the day time and evenings and would be pissed off if someone thought I should wake up at 6am to look after their baby.

Scotland and hiking in the rain I agree is not a holiday.
Sorry they aren’t giving you any child free times.

You just need to make sure the baby wakes them….

Why are aren’t you and your husband taking it in turns to get a lie in? One of you get up with the baby, the other sleeps. Maybe swap at 8am for a couple of hours more sleep for the early riser. All ready to start the day at 11am.

I do sympathise though. I have bad sleepers and they’re always even worse on holiday.

All those who don't think it's reasonable to look after a grandchild at 6am for ONE DAY on a holiday

• that's when it really matters to the parents and actually makes a difference to their wellbeing
• don't offer if you're not going to do it.