I know I am but I’m still going to vent

[CallASpade]

Currently on holiday in a very wet part of Scotland with my husband, baby and in-laws. The holiday was the in-laws idea. We initially declined to come for various reasons - holidays with a baby of this age don’t really feel like holidays, the baby sleeps very badly when away from home, felt like it would be a lot of work for not much reward.

The in-laws begged us to agree and promised to help with childcare while on holiday so it was a break for us too. We agreed on that basis, which was silly really because the one reliable thing in life is that offers of childcare are often made by people who will never actually follow through on that offer when the chips are down.

As predicted, the baby is sleeping abominably. We’re all sharing a room which means we disturb one another, and when she wakes up she can see us so she gets up fully instead of going back to sleep. She has been waking for the day at 4am daily.

We have asked my in-laws if they could just have her for a couple of hours from 6am to 8am so we can get a bit more sleep before getting up for the day. They keep on agreeing to this and then just… not getting up. The past three mornings they’ve come in at 9 / 9:30am saying how well they’re sleeping here and how unusual it is for them not to wake at 6 like they normally do.

They’ve then had the cheek to be overtly disappointed and a bit snarky about us not being up for activities like 12 mile rainy hikes and dinners out because we’re shattered from being disturbed all night then getting up at 4am.

The fault is obviously mine for allowing myself to be talked into a trip on the basis of promises that I knew I probably couldn’t rely on, but AIBU to be annoyed that they couldn’t even set an alarm for one morning to ensure they got up and gave us a break on the trip they insisted we come on?!

Thank fuck we’re going home today.

Asking people to get up at 6 is a big ask.
Can you find another slot that would allow you to nap, and doesnt rely on people getting up early?

Holidays get better.
Babies then into toddlers who Dan ve bribed to stay in bed til 5.30. Then they morph into secondary kids who dont wake til 6.30, and only get you out of need once in a blue moon. It gets better!

Is it clear that you're all awake at 6am to them?

Either let baby sleep in grandparents room or get up at 4.00am, make breakfast loudly, put the radio on, if baby is crying walk up and down outside their room with baby.

As soon as the ILs appear dump baby and go back to bed.

Alternatively would the ILs take baby out in the afternoon for an hour or two? So you can have a nap or just some rest?

If they offered to take her at six, I'd have sent my husband to wake them, as agreed. Too late now, of course. I'd never allow myself to be talked into something by them again. Burn this into your mind for future reference! 😉

@Xiaoxiong

But YANBU. The worst is when people promise to help and then "forget". The disappointment is enormous, in proportion to your desperation and lack of sleep, I remember it well.

I’m right there with you. I remember sobbing on the return journey home through sheer exhaustion.

Felt like I had been there as paid staff working the whole time to facilitate everyone else’s holiday. Grandparents got to relax, so activities, watch grandchildren playing. I got to do my usual chores but in a more sleep deprived way.

Didn’t get better until we booked a family package holiday to the med with a kids club and everything geared to kids, and went on our own.

I really feel for you, but you have been unreasonable to just put up with this for the whole holiday without making the situation change.

So they said they would help with childcare and agreed to do an early shift but didn't. So that means that the discussion in which they agreed the early shift didn't conclude with specific arrangements - like agreeing that you would deliver baby, bag of nappies, change of clothes and toys, to their room at 6am.

You have been grumpy and overtired for daytime activities but you haven't been specific and coear to them about why, and what they need to do differently.

And when the holiday was being booked you really should have specified that you needed an extra bedroom for the baby. Yes that would bump up the price by a few hundred but it might have been worth it for the sleep.

You have every right to expect your needs for sleep and rest to be accommodated, especially on holiday. You are perfectly reasonable to be annoyed that this hasn't happened but it really does sound like you have chosen not to assert your needs and to expect others to discern how unhappy you are and to make changes without being told. It would be nice to assume that everyone is sufficiently empathic and aware to make this unnecessary but that's just not how it is.

Can you move the cot to the living room ? DS was a ghastly sleeper if we were all in the room together, but a lot better without distractions,

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

Sounds miserable can you or your DH take turns sleeping on the sofa?

Also thank you for this.
I am pregnant with my first and its a good reminder to never go on holiday with my mil...

Nah you might be ok - if you are lucky and have a MIL like mine. She always gets up at 6am with the kids when she stays/we go away together. Actually since they escaped their cots they invade her bed at 6am instead (we had to get them a colour changing clock to stop them getting up and going in there at 4am in summer).

My SMIL and own mother are another story. But they also would never offer and then not follow through.

Oh sorry I see you're going home today, but I'd try putting the cot in the living room/bathroom/anywhere but your own room for any future trips.

YANBU.
I went away with my whole family for a weekend - multiple sisters and parents. At the time my partner couldn't come (his family stuff). So with a 5 month old and a 2 year old (the only kids) off I went knowing it wasn't a good idea.

We shared a room, the baby woke all night and then the 2 year old was up at 5am. I was exhausted. The straw that broke the camels back was when I left the 2 year old with them all in the living room with his pyjamas while I put the 5 month old to bed; and no one dressed him. I'd just been staff so they could coo at them it felt, the next morning I packed up at 5am and was gone by 7am. I was soooo done.

Frankly, I'd tell them what I thought of them. You only came on this holiday because of the help that was offer and it has been totally misearable because oft he pair of them being utter liars. My mother was quite old when my children were born. She came to give me a rest and she got up and took care of the baby and she was in her seventies. Your in-laws have an utter cheek to be banging on about their great sleep in the circumstances. They deserve calling out for putting you through this. I should say I am not Anglo-Saxon so I don't feel obliged to pretend that everything is all right for the sake of politeness. Still you'll probably be choosing their resthomes in due course. My mother was in a delightful chandelier lit resthome with fresh flowers and Belgian chocolates.

Why are people making suggestions when the OP said they're going home today 😂

This brought back memories OP. My DC are 14 and 16 now but I remember it well, you have my sympathies. I hope she sleeps better in her own bed tonight 🤞🏻

Ugh I remember 'holidays' like that except my now exH was like the op's PILs and I did all wake ups on my own all week while he slept blissfully unaware until 11am every bloody day and I was up snd out with the kids at 6am!

I feel your pain op. But mine are now 19, 16 and 13 and sleep like logs and holidays are great fun now. Hang in there!

I know it's too late now, but you should have dumped the baby on your in-laws whenever they got up and then gone back to bed.

I think it's a bit silly to expect someone to take your baby from 6am.
If the baby is in your room, what was your mil supposed to do... Stand outside your room trying to work out if baby was awake, not knowing if you were.
She might have been embarrassed to come in.
I would have never wanted my mil walking in...
I guess they thought cus they didn't hear baby she was asleep.
It is much more reasonable to ask them yo take baby for an afternoon, preferably out so you can relax, have rest etc.

Yes we had something very similar with both sets of GP on our first holiday with our first dc. It was like we were on different time zones!

We (well me really) were up at 6 and pretty much ready to go out at 10:as had exhausted all things to do. Everyone else was just surfacing then and were ready to go out after about 20 cups of tea by which time it was lunchtime for dc. It was really tough and not remotely enjoyable.

By the 3rd dc I had learnt to be more direct with asking for help, not martyring myself by doing everything. Family holidays then worked quite well as we all got chance to unwind as the go would play with the dcs a bit.

You have my sympathy.
We had one memorable stay in a glorious hotel with floor to ceiling window that let in light at dawn.
I moved the cot into the bathroom and baby slept much better. DH had to use the reception toilet if he needed to go after 7pm.

Lesson learned don't go away with them again. They aren't going to help. Had they wanted to they would have seen you were tired and offered help instead of being asked. They would then have set alarms to wake up to take her off you. They didn't, that speaks volumes. Refuse the offer of a holiday, that isn't a holiday for you but you still need to act grateful for.

Looking after the baby between 6-8 is a very specific request...but it sounds like when it didnt happen, you did nothing, so that right? Your husband disnt knock on their door and hand the baby over, you didnt disappear back to bed for the rest of the morning when they got up at 9.30? Why didnt you just hand the baby over when they did get up and go back to bed for a sleep? If 6-8 wasn't working I'm not sure why you didn't ask for help with something else instead

I would put it down to a bad experience and next time refuse the offer !

@Droite

I know it's too late now, but you should have dumped the baby on your in-laws whenever they got up and then gone back to bed.

That's what I would have done.

The first rule of babyhood is, assume you’re on your own and any help is a welcome relief.

I think we’ve all been there, like a previous poster said burn this into your memory and say no next time. I only holiday to suit us now, no one in our family can or will offer help so they don’t come with us, which sounds selfish, but if you’ve been up since early morn and are ready to go out, have lunch at 11.30 etc, it’s not going to work.

I never did holidays when the DC were little as they're not holidays, just more stressful. We did go to stay with family and they did help, but I would never have asked anyone to look after DC that early. That's on you - and a baby could be up a that time wherever you are for the first year or so. Makes more sense to suck that up but get them to look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon so you can nap. So on the 6am thing, YABU. But they shouldn't be guilt-tripping you for being tired, fuck that.

YABU to think holidays with babies aren’t holidays
YANBU to expect them to help when they said they would. That’s really shit of them. I hope she settles back into a better sleep once you’re home

We actually had a super holiday when DS was about a year old in the South of France. Helpfully he slept through from 12-2 meaning we could enjoy excellent 3 course set menu cheap lunches and relax in the cottage in the evening. There was an indoor pool and jacuzzi on site and DS would sit in his car seat at the side for a good few minutes.
We put DS in the living room at night when he went to bed.
Maybe the key to success is a) not bringing ILs b) not going to Scotland ( although to be fair we've had some great weather over the past few months) and c) having somewhere else for baby to sleep