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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid Dilemma!

89 replies

sh5278 · 28/09/2021 21:52

So.. any advice would be HUGELY appreciated.

I have chosen my bridesmaids/flower girls: my sister (Maid of Honour), my fiancé’s daughter and his nieces. Originally, I only wanted my sister and fiancé’s daughter. But, knowing his brother and brother’s partner, if I didn’t have their children as flower girls, then we would be bad mouthed to the rest of the family. So, we stretched the budget, and said that we would have them included too. Problem solved. But.. no.

My fiancé’s brother’s partner had pulled me aside, and told me she can’t wait to plan my hen, and wants to buy her own bridesmaid dress, EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE ALREADY ANNOUNCED MY BRIDESMAIDS/FLOWER GIRLS. I laughed it off, but she has mentioned it AGAIN since then. We get along ok.. have had some arguments in the past, but I simply do not want her as a bridesmaid. My mum does not like her, and she’s overpowering. My fiancé claims she has a fear of missing out. I really don’t know how to approach this subject without being blunt. However, if I was blunt with her, she would make things VERY difficult.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I let her be a bridesmaid if she really wants to, and has said she will buy her own dress!?

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 28/09/2021 21:56

In your shoes I wouldn't be allowing it.

I would tell her politely but straight that you have chosen your bridal party. But I am a people pleaser so I would probably also tell her that I would love her to do a reading..or play up to her and say that as she is so amazing at organising things you were really hoping she would take care of getting people seated/arranged for pics etc so that you don't have to panic about people being in the right place

Brickadvice · 28/09/2021 21:58

Tell her you would absolutely love her to do a reading at the ceremony.

Brickadvice · 28/09/2021 21:59

(and that she isn’t a bridesmaid!)

MichelleScarn · 28/09/2021 22:00

All the nos! She will take over everything! Give her a role in flower girl management?

Original poster
sh5278 · 28/09/2021 22:01

I don’t think she’d even be happy to do a reading! I think she just wants the status as a bridesmaid and won’t stop going on about it until she is. It’s so difficult.

OP posts:
SevenOldLadies · 28/09/2021 22:02

Am I right in thinking this is the mother of some of the bridesmaids / flower girls? If so, are her children old enough / reliable enough not to need her there while fulfilling bridesmaid duties?

Brollywasntneededafterall · 28/09/2021 22:05

Agree and smile and give her full charge of all the small dc...giving you chance to enjoy the day with your MOH etc!!

Nsky · 28/09/2021 22:06

How many bridesmaids do you have

Freddiefox · 28/09/2021 22:06

This is your brothers partner, by all means don’t have her, abs have your day how you and your mum want it. But you are excluding her so don’t moan when your db takes a step back from the family

Original poster
sh5278 · 28/09/2021 22:06

@SevenOldLadies
Yes, she’s the mother of 2 of the flower girls. One of her daughters will be 2 at the time of the wedding, and the other will be 7. The 7 year old is quite unruly, so I’m already worried about the day.

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 28/09/2021 22:07

Just laugh at her and ask why she thinks she would be bridesmaid, and ignore any pathetic fall out from her and the family.

Freddiefox · 28/09/2021 22:09

@Freddiefox

This is your brothers partner, by all means don’t have her, abs have your day how you and your mum want it. But you are excluding her so don’t moan when your db takes a step back from the family
Ignore me I though she was your db partner.
DoNotGetADog · 28/09/2021 22:11

Surely her doing a reading would be even worse?! Don’t give her any part in the ceremony at all - why would you?

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 22:12

Is it a large wedding? How many bridesmaids have you got? How many flower girls have you got?

It sounds like you're going to have to be firm with her. She'll probably find a way to upstage you if you let her have her way.

WomanStanleyWoman · 28/09/2021 22:13

Just keep up the hard, hard nos. Anything else just won’t go in - and she’ll hijack any consolation prize like a reading.

This is probably outing, but my best friend had a similar issue with her fiancé’s best man’s wife. She’d barely known her a year, but this woman kept trying to muscle in and appoint herself as a bridesmaid. When my friend finally got her to accept that she wasn’t going to be a bridesmaid, she said ‘Well maybe I could carry Pookie down the aisle for you on a velvet cushion’. Pookie was my friend’s dog.

LtDansLegs · 28/09/2021 22:14

YANBU! No one is owed a part in your wedding.

Could you do your best tinkly laugh and say "Oh no, you'll have your hands full in charge of the very important flower girls, you know how important that is to me that you are with them - I wouldn't dream of putting too much on your plate" or similar?

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 22:14

Maybe she thought she'd be a bridesmaid to help look after the flower girls. I think your mistake was adding more flower girls. I'd tone down the whole thing and say it was getting out of hand so you're just having 2 bridesmaids.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2021 22:15

Those asking how many bridesmaids, it's literally in the OP!

Chickychoccyegg · 28/09/2021 22:15

I have no idea why you would ask an unruly 7 year old and a 2 year old to be flower girls anyway!
who is going to look after them while you all get ready/before you walk down the isle/make sure they walk down the Isle? You might need their mum to be a bridesmaid to deal with her kids to be honest

2lsinllama · 28/09/2021 22:17

She knows full well that you don’t want her, that’s why she offered to buy her own dress. I had to be very firm with a friend who offered to sing at my wedding (she was classically trained) but then wanted a dress like the bridesmaids and was basically trying to become a bridesmaid by stealth. I told her no, she threatened to not sing, I called her bluff and she backed down. She still tried to make it about her on the day though, acting like she was Mariah Carey or something! We don’t speak much now.
At the end of the day, it’s your day so have what and who you want.

MaggieFS · 28/09/2021 22:17

Just flip it around and say you don't want more adults to detract from the flower girls. Obviously you have to have your sister as MOH, but aside from that there won't be any adults in the bridal party. All focus will be on the flower girls and you're so grateful she'll be keeping a close eye on them and making sure they are on their best behaviour.

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 22:19

@SleepingStandingUp

Those asking how many bridesmaids, it's literally in the OP!
@SleepingStandingUp it's not clear to me how many nieces they are and if any of them are bridesmaids or if they are all flower girls. Is fiancé's daughter a bridesmaid?

My sister (Maid of Honour), my fiancé’s daughter and his nieces.

freelions · 28/09/2021 22:20

I would just laugh off her comments and point out that you are only having one adult bridesmaid and that is your sister

Polmuggle · 28/09/2021 22:20

Just say 'no don't worry, one of the bridesmaids will plan the hen, that's their job!'

But equally if her daughter is 2 and a flower girl then she's goo to be involved in helping her go down the aisle, no?

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2021 22:25

However, if I was blunt with her, she would make things VERY difficult.

What would she do?

Hopefully she’ll stop her kids taking part. Win win.

I’ve got a two year old, you’re barking mad to have agreed to that.