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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid Dilemma!

89 replies

sh5278 · 28/09/2021 21:52

So.. any advice would be HUGELY appreciated.

I have chosen my bridesmaids/flower girls: my sister (Maid of Honour), my fiancé’s daughter and his nieces. Originally, I only wanted my sister and fiancé’s daughter. But, knowing his brother and brother’s partner, if I didn’t have their children as flower girls, then we would be bad mouthed to the rest of the family. So, we stretched the budget, and said that we would have them included too. Problem solved. But.. no.

My fiancé’s brother’s partner had pulled me aside, and told me she can’t wait to plan my hen, and wants to buy her own bridesmaid dress, EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE ALREADY ANNOUNCED MY BRIDESMAIDS/FLOWER GIRLS. I laughed it off, but she has mentioned it AGAIN since then. We get along ok.. have had some arguments in the past, but I simply do not want her as a bridesmaid. My mum does not like her, and she’s overpowering. My fiancé claims she has a fear of missing out. I really don’t know how to approach this subject without being blunt. However, if I was blunt with her, she would make things VERY difficult.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I let her be a bridesmaid if she really wants to, and has said she will buy her own dress!?

OP posts:

Inertia · 29/09/2021 13:51

Just to add I wasn’t a bridesmaid at my own sister’s wedding, and the sky didn’t fall in! She had family children (including mine) as flower girls/ boys, her closest adult friends as bridesmaids, and I got to have a lovely time.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/09/2021 14:53

YANBU, but should have said no to flower girls on economy grounds But I think its already too late.
Although its probably the last thing you want. Let her do it, since if you say no, who is going to take charge of the "unruly" flower girls. It could be that she was actually thinking ahead about this and that's why she offered to buy her dress since she knew she'd be dealing with them and thought it might look better if she matches? Plus if you are stuck iwth the flower girls and she withdraws co operation.

But I'd stand firm on the hen do. She can't appoint herself in charge of that. A firm hard no and 3 is just ridiculous.

But perhaps she is just genuinely trying to help?
Also I am not sure how that will take away from your sister's enjoyment. I think your DM needs to take a step back from that becuase although she's trying to be supportive, its actually making it harder for you. Your sister is your bridesmaid and you both get on so I don't think anyone else will be able to muscle in on that. Decide in advance who is doing what and stick to it.
You are paying the photographer so you need to tell him in advance what pictures you want.

justmaybenot · 29/09/2021 16:26

tbh it can be hard when you're getting married and have to either

Cave to demands or
Stand firm and worry about being resented.

I sort of caved on a lot of fronts due to all the pressure I was put under - venue, flower girls, even music, and just felt like my family's concubine or something for the day. It was stressful and not the way I wanted it, but I don't know if I could have put up with the resentment and complaining otherwise.

OP - your sister might be a bit young to really handle the future SIL on their own, but is there one female relative you trust who can just head her off and act as a buffer zone? I really wish I'd had a strong bridesmaid who could have handled that kind of stuff for me. It's so stressful when you're being pulled in so many directions so for all the posters saying 'just say no' - that's sometimes easier said than done.

Brefugee · 29/09/2021 16:37

If we didn’t have them as our flower girls; then there would be hell to pay.

my DHs family were a bunch of batshit wankers about some aspects of our wedding, and in the end I said i don't care who comes but if there is a scene or they did something i didn't like i would shout very very loudly and there may be direct violence. I have an (undeserved) reputation for being tough and it worked.

What are they going to do? Seriously, what are they going to say or do that will ruin your wedding? Because in your shoes at the first sign of batshittery I'd just say "ok, that's it you are uninvited and will remain so until you can behave". And mean it.

Notaroadrunner · 29/09/2021 16:45

Elope - solves the problem you have of seemingly keeping everyone happy but yourself.

blubberyboo · 29/09/2021 16:52

Just say firmly no my matron of honour is already sorting the hen party and I’m keen to have as few bridesmaids as possible as I insist all other guests must relax and enjoy the day

TemptedToSleepInTheShed · 29/09/2021 18:02

Oh god no. You need to put boundaries down now and say thank you but this is how it is

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 29/09/2021 19:32

I went to a wedding where the bride had invited 5 flower girls. Two nieces, my two (DH was a groomsman) and a 2 yr old from one of the bridesmaids.

She is a very relaxed more the merrier sort of person and other than show up in nice dresses on the day, scatter some rose petals and be in a couple of pics it was very low maintenance.

However I was landed with the 2yr old for most of the day as the mum was a full in adult bridesmaid and needed in pics, hair and make up and all kinds. She also got drunk and left everyone else to pick up the slack in a venue with a lot of open water around it.

In practise she can't do both. It is not possible.

FrozenoutofCostco · 29/09/2021 20:37

@sh5278

For those saying about being brave for having the unruly 7 year old, and 2 year old: If we didn’t have them as our flower girls; then there would be hell to pay. I’m having them to keep the peace, and because I know future DHs family would expect them to be involved. Family politics, and all that. I don’t mind her being involved whilst they walk down the aisle, luckily it’s a short one!

The plan being that her children get ready at her house, and meet me there. With budget being limited, hairdressers for the flower girls is a no go (luckily future Step Daughter’s mother trained as a hairdresser so is doing her hair for me) As for photographer, we know him, he is related to future DHS. He knows who is related, who is who and everything else. It does make me feel, after reading comments, I need to make her realise that my only adult bridesmaid is my sister. And, play it up about the flower girls. I still feel that she’d beg (as that’s how it feels). However, I do feel that there’s going to be tension from my side of the family, because my mum is aware of her wanting to plan my hen do (well, she wants to give me 3 for some bloody reason).

My sister will be 18 soon, and is super excited to be such a big part of my wedding. And, I know if DH’s ‘SIL’ tries to take over, then there will be major tension, and my mum will say it how it is, and maybe a bit more .

I really don’t mind her children being flower girls, or her being in some of the bridal photos, but I know if I had her as a bridesmaid, she would take the opportunity away from my sister, and make it about her. She’s already spoken to future DH about me ‘not liking her’ because she feels anxious. DH put it down to the fact it was because I hadn’t asked her to be my bridesmaid.

Families, eh?

You're having the 7yr old to keep the peace??? You're marrying her father! Of course she should be a flower girl ffs! Wow

QueenBee52 · 29/09/2021 20:44

You're having the 7yr old to keep the peace??? You're marrying her father! Of course she should be a flower girl ffs! Wow

missing the point entirely 🙄

Bonbon21 · 29/09/2021 21:10

Please be aware you are laying down the script for your entire married life here.
Whatever you decide/allow for YOUR wedding will be reflected in your relationship with your in-laws going forward.
They shout jump, you ask how high..
Hopefully this is the only wedding you will ever have... make it the wedding that you want, the wedding you will look back on in 20, 30 50 years and be able to say it was exactly as you dreamed..
And set your boundaries for the future.. be clear, get your future husband on your side... and tell your future sister in law NO.... just that NO!!
And put that on repeat for the rest of the family too.

Have a lovely day.. and all the best for the future.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 29/09/2021 21:53

Like a PP said, I think you should cancel the wedding until you are brave enough to stand up for yourself against his family and this awful woman, who needs to be firmly put in her place. If you can't stand up for yourself now, they'll walk all over you, and give you so many headaches once you're married, that you'll wish you had cancelled.

TheTeenageYears · 30/09/2021 16:34

Do you think DH's brother might ever get married himself? They are engaged and have two children, is it possible your wedding is acting as a substitute for her own?

MumW · 01/10/2021 13:26

You're having the 7yr old to keep the peace??? You're marrying her father! Of course she should be a flower girl ffs! Wow
The OP original wanted just her sister and her future step daughter.
The unruly 7 year old and 2 year old she is having as flower girls are her fiancé's nieces.

I agree that you need to just tell her that your bridal party is your MOH (who will be organising your hen do) and 3 flower girls, full stop and your fiancé needs to back you up 100%. Tell her you will only be having the DNs in the bridal party if she dresses them at home and meets you at the church and she'll sits at the end of a row so as to be able to stop them running around/causing issues during the ceremony and to take them outside if they are too disrupted.

Good Luck.

If you/fiancé don't put your feet down now, then I foresee boundary issues. Stand firm.

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