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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid Dilemma!

89 replies

sh5278 · 28/09/2021 21:52

So.. any advice would be HUGELY appreciated.

I have chosen my bridesmaids/flower girls: my sister (Maid of Honour), my fiancé’s daughter and his nieces. Originally, I only wanted my sister and fiancé’s daughter. But, knowing his brother and brother’s partner, if I didn’t have their children as flower girls, then we would be bad mouthed to the rest of the family. So, we stretched the budget, and said that we would have them included too. Problem solved. But.. no.

My fiancé’s brother’s partner had pulled me aside, and told me she can’t wait to plan my hen, and wants to buy her own bridesmaid dress, EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE ALREADY ANNOUNCED MY BRIDESMAIDS/FLOWER GIRLS. I laughed it off, but she has mentioned it AGAIN since then. We get along ok.. have had some arguments in the past, but I simply do not want her as a bridesmaid. My mum does not like her, and she’s overpowering. My fiancé claims she has a fear of missing out. I really don’t know how to approach this subject without being blunt. However, if I was blunt with her, she would make things VERY difficult.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I let her be a bridesmaid if she really wants to, and has said she will buy her own dress!?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2021 22:27

However, if I was blunt with her, she would make things VERY difficult.

No she won't, unless you allow it. Fgs, it's time to make some boundaries and stand up for yourself. Do not allow people to emotionally terrorise you and hold you hostage with their bullshit. Tell her she is not a bridesmaid, and if she kicks off, you can exclude the lot of them from your wedding.

Original poster
sh5278 · 28/09/2021 22:31

@GloomAndDoom
I have 3 flower girls: my fiancé’s daughter, and his 2 nieces. Fiancé’s daughter will be 7, and is best friends with her cousin, who will also be 7. If I cut the flower girls to just my fiancé’s daughter, both girls would be upset as the mother (who the post is about) has already gone on about it to them both. My first thought was to cut it down to just having my sister as my MOH and fiancé’s daughter as the flower girl, but now the other child is too aware of what is going on, and I do not want to upset her.

It isn’t an over the top wedding, we aren’t having a wedding breakfast due to funds and my fiancé’s strong feelings towards not having one, but having 50 at the ceremony, and 130ish at the reception.

OP posts:
erictries · 28/09/2021 22:32

Just be consistent. If she says "I can wait to plan your hen" reply "my sister is planning it"
If she says "I'll buy my own dress" just reply with "that won't be necessary. We are all sorted thanks".
Don't invite her to bridesmaid dress fitting. Just go with your sister. Yes you'll need to involve her with the flower girls, but I'd keep it low key and buy off the rack if you can, therefore not making a big day of it, that she would hijack.
If she says " can I be your bridesmaid?" Just answer, "I asked my sister"
Don't engage and play it down around her every time it's brought up

Littleduck83 · 28/09/2021 22:33

Just smile and say “ohh I don’t think you need a special dress just to keep an eye on the flower girls”. Then tell her that your MOH is your only adult bridesmaid, and that’s exactly how you want it, but you’re so pleased that her beautiful girls will be taking part.

Janaih · 28/09/2021 22:36

She wants to wear a princess dress. She'll most likely wear one even if you say no... please try and put her in her place though. Such people sail through life being a pita because people agree to their ridiculous demands for a quiet life.

steppemum · 28/09/2021 22:40

I think you should just laugh and say - but your girls are the flower girls, you can't be a bridesmaid as well, that would be silly!

SevenOldLadies · 28/09/2021 22:41

If the youngest is 2, I can kind of see why she’d expect / want to also be a bridesmaid.

Second what others have said about getting her to look after the flower girls. Maybe get her to get a dress in your wedding colours if she wants to fit in.

selflove · 28/09/2021 22:47

I had the same situation.

BIL (to be) was DH's best man. Their two daughters were flower girls, and their son was page boy. BIL's partner asked me if she could be a bridesmaid too, because her kids & partner were, and she'd feel excluded if she wasn't, and they would look odd as a family if the dad & 3 kids were in the bridal party, it would look like she wasn't part of the family etc.

So I said no problem, added her as a bridesmaid. It just wasn't the hill I was willing to die on, I didn't care about adding an extra bridesmaid at the end of the day, whereas she really cared about the idea of "missing out" so it was fine with me

justmaybenot · 28/09/2021 22:49

@sh5278

So.. any advice would be HUGELY appreciated.

I have chosen my bridesmaids/flower girls: my sister (Maid of Honour), my fiancé’s daughter and his nieces. Originally, I only wanted my sister and fiancé’s daughter. But, knowing his brother and brother’s partner, if I didn’t have their children as flower girls, then we would be bad mouthed to the rest of the family. So, we stretched the budget, and said that we would have them included too. Problem solved. But.. no.

My fiancé’s brother’s partner had pulled me aside, and told me she can’t wait to plan my hen, and wants to buy her own bridesmaid dress, EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS THAT I HAVE ALREADY ANNOUNCED MY BRIDESMAIDS/FLOWER GIRLS. I laughed it off, but she has mentioned it AGAIN since then. We get along ok.. have had some arguments in the past, but I simply do not want her as a bridesmaid. My mum does not like her, and she’s overpowering. My fiancé claims she has a fear of missing out. I really don’t know how to approach this subject without being blunt. However, if I was blunt with her, she would make things VERY difficult.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I let her be a bridesmaid if she really wants to, and has said she will buy her own dress!?

Just say you always promised your sister she'd be your bridesmaid and always planned on just one adult bridesmaid, then thank her for letting her kids be the flower girls but of course you're looking forward to her being at your hen and wedding and so on. Job done!
Chloemol · 28/09/2021 23:05

No is a complete sentence

I am going to plan you hen

No ( although you could your moh will do this)

I am going to but my own bridesmaid dress

No

Etc etc

Alternatively your partner needs to have a word with his brother to tell the GF to stop, it’s not going to happen and if it continues you won’t have the lids as flower girls either

TyrannosaurusRights · 28/09/2021 23:07

Just make sure you pre warn your photographer, hair and makeup people, florist and venue coordinator. Otherwise you’ll find she’s in all the ‘wedding party only’ photos and front centre of the rest. Good, experienced wedding staff will just manage her away.

Boredhimtodeath · 28/09/2021 23:29

If she says about buying her own dress can you pretend to misunderstand and just say no they are my flower girls so I can sort them the same as fiancé’s daughter. Then if she corrects and mentions her own dress laugh and say I didn’t know people bought guest dresses- especially those only invited to the evening do!

Don’t tell her the colour or style of your bridesmaid dress!

HeadPain · 28/09/2021 23:29

[quote sh5278]@SevenOldLadies
Yes, she’s the mother of 2 of the flower girls. One of her daughters will be 2 at the time of the wedding, and the other will be 7. The 7 year old is quite unruly, so I’m already worried about the day.[/quote]
I said YANBU and she shouldn't be a bridesmaid if you don't want her to be, but reading this maybe you should have her as one so she can look after/control the kids. Maybe she is concerned about leaving her 2 year old and the unruly 7 year old that you're worried about. I suppose she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid to do that though.

WomanStanleyWoman · 28/09/2021 23:29

Here’s a thought - could you get flower girl dresses for the kids to try on in one colour, then buy them in another? That way if mad SIL is planning to ‘accidentally’ turn up the same colour as the bridal party, she’ll be in for quite a shock Grin

Daisylg · 28/09/2021 23:53

Your not being unreasonable but you should have just said “ don’t be daft my sister is planning my hen” she’s trying her luck because me she thinks you will just go along with it. If she says it again simply say but your not my bridesmaid? I have one adult, my sister, and Stepdaughter and OH wanted his nieces so that’s why they have been chose.. “ cheeky mare Grin this is your day don’t be bullied into anything, if she causes a scene then it’s one less mouth to feed at the wedding Wink

Derbee · 29/09/2021 00:40

If your sister is the only adult bridesmaid, surely it’s easy? When she talks about the hen do “my sister is organising everything”. When she talks about a dress “I’m not having adult bridesmaids. I’m having flower girls and a MOH” repeat repeat repeat

TheTeenageYears · 29/09/2021 01:42

I think you need to ask your fiancé to have a word with his DB. His family are already dominating the bridal party and there's no reason why you should add another adult as a bridesmaid when you don't want to.

QueenBee52 · 29/09/2021 01:59

Just cancel the Wedding ..

This is not the Wedding you planned so stop everything in its tracks until you are able to tell her to BACK THE FUCK OFF ..

Good luck

Onlinedilema · 29/09/2021 07:46

Just Tell her no.
I also think you are being very brave to include a 2 year old and an unruly 7 year old but it's your wedding.

GloomAndDoom · 29/09/2021 07:52

She might just think she is needed to supervise the flower girls? But yeah you need your DH to say no, he can mumble something about wanting to keep it small.

PP made a good point about mentioning it to the photographer. I mean she is going to want to be in some of the photos with her child but you don't want her getting in every single photo of the bridal party.

WouldBeGood · 29/09/2021 07:57

You do need to be blunt with her. Tell her that your sister is the MOH, you’re not having adukt bridesmaids, and that it’s all under control.

On no account let her come to dress shopping/fittings!

This is not her thing and it’s just incredibly cheeky to try to dominate it.

PlonkyWillyWonky · 29/09/2021 08:02

Is this your wedding or hers?
Be as blunt as she is
Let her sulk, it's your big day not hers

FelicityPike · 29/09/2021 08:08

Elope!
Just you, dp, dsis, dsd, best man & maybe your parents.
Then have a party at night to celebrate. Especially if you aren’t having a meal.

Original poster
sh5278 · 29/09/2021 09:00

For those saying about being brave for having the unruly 7 year old, and 2 year old:
If we didn’t have them as our flower girls; then there would be hell to pay. I’m having them to keep the peace, and because I know future DHs family would expect them to be involved. Family politics, and all that. I don’t mind her being involved whilst they walk down the aisle, luckily it’s a short one! Grin
The plan being that her children get ready at her house, and meet me there. With budget being limited, hairdressers for the flower girls is a no go (luckily future Step Daughter’s mother trained as a hairdresser so is doing her hair for me)
As for photographer, we know him, he is related to future DHS. He knows who is related, who is who and everything else.
It does make me feel, after reading comments, I need to make her realise that my only adult bridesmaid is my sister. And, play it up about the flower girls. I still feel that she’d beg (as that’s how it feels). However, I do feel that there’s going to be tension from my side of the family, because my mum is aware of her wanting to plan my hen do (well, she wants to give me 3 for some bloody reason).

My sister will be 18 soon, and is super excited to be such a big part of my wedding. And, I know if DH’s ‘SIL’ tries to take over, then there will be major tension, and my mum will say it how it is, and maybe a bit more Blush.

I really don’t mind her children being flower girls, or her being in some of the bridal photos, but I know if I had her as a bridesmaid, she would take the opportunity away from my sister, and make it about her. She’s already spoken to future DH about me ‘not liking her’ because she feels anxious. DH put it down to the fact it was because I hadn’t asked her to be my bridesmaid.

Families, eh?

OP posts:
GloomAndDoom · 29/09/2021 09:17

Big up your sisters role then? She has no right to take away from your sister's role as bridesmaid.