To think public schools/boarding schools have fewer problems with bullying?

[PostingOnMN]

AIBU? To have the opinion that top public schools and boarding schools have fewer problems with bullying than non-public schools or boarding schools? Top boarding schools I mean places like Cheltenham Ladies College, Perse Upper School, or even Eton College?

Also as someone who is black or BAME I guess, meeting people who attended those schools while I was at university, I felt completely comfortable around them and their parents were really nice! Even though they had travelled to foreign countries, had multiple homes around Europe and even holiday homes in the UK! They were really down to earth and didn’t comment on my skin colour at all or make me feel any different, which is something I cannot always say. I also went to a summer course in Eton College and the teachers there were really helpful and even recommended me for a different course and helped me prepare! I found the same thing at a well known university in London.

I’m now wondering if I would like to send kids to schools like that but wondering if I’m being naive based on limited experiences?

@MrsAvocet

I've just remembered that the friend I mentioned in my earlier post wasn't even allowed to use his own name at school as it was "foreign". He was allocated a British name which he had to use at all times. I'd like to think that things have improved now, but this was only the 1980s not the time of Tom Brown's Schooldays. I was shocked when he told me.

My husband boarded in the early 2000’s at a very well known boarding school, all students had an ID number and it was on their soap dish, uniform etc. Children who weren’t white, or who were different like my husband (he has a physical disability) we known by their number rather than their name.

These posts are very sad

Especially if it’s changing that much from a generation ago

My sons went to a top boarding school and left within the last 5 years.
Bullying was nipped in the bud. The introduction of girls changed the dynamic immensely a few years ago and housemasters and matrons are engaged and proactive, and the pastoral net has very small holes and manages to catch more than I could believe.

The teachers and the pupils are much more closely bound together than at day schools. If fact one of my sons still regularly meets up with his entire A level english class (including the teacher) for drinks. Because of this the teachers understand the quirks of a child at a more indepth level and this really becomes evident at parent/teacher evenings.

The ethnicity, wealth and religion of other pupils became irrelevant pretty quickly as far as I could see. My sons brought a united nations of kids home for weekends (were allowed home every weekend although not weekly boarders) and it wasn't unusual to have 4 extras for sunday lunch.

Post school, they keep in touch pretty closely with school friends and meet-ups are regular and phone calls and message groups are frequent.

They have had an easy confidence with adults for many years, a pretty well developed sense of obligation (if they promise, they deliver), and even if I say so myself, are charming.

If you choose the the right fit for your child then it can be the best choice, and you can't compare the experience of 30 years ago with the experience of today.
Boarding schools, and the world, have changed.

Problem with threads like these is that much of anecdotal contributions are from people who attended an independent school quite literally decades ago. Things have moved on a bit since then (as it has with state schools as well) with much more emphasis on pastoral care with accusations of bulling being taken more seriously. With the rise of social media it is much harder for schools to bury their heads in the sand.

Everyone’s Invited did put a spot light on schools

Although not sure it included general bullying. Something like that could work but students won’t use personal SM to expose it

The only person I know who went to a supposedly 'top' boarding school is a nice chap who was horribly racially bullied due to the fact he's of Chinese descent. He's not even that old - still a young man - but the impact of the bullying remains, despite years of counselling/therapy.

Open days etc are just for show, you see the glossy bits and meet the pupils who've been specifically selected (as per my own private school experiences). With boarding school I think you just couldn't be entirely certain wether you were dropping your DC off at a caring, supportive, inclusive learning environment, or if you were simply throwing them to the wolves. If it's the latter, then you probably won't know until some damage has already been done.

I was privately educated. I went to two different schools. Both had the same issues. It’s naive to think that public schools are free of bullying.

In my experience bullying was rife (and when it was addressed it was swept under the rug with no consequences), there was a disgusting hierarchy according to wealth and the poorer kids weren’t allowed to address the richer ones (even though the poorer ones would be considered wealthy by most normal standards) and staff were just as awful.

@Stifledlife

Thanks for this post - this has been my experience 100%!

It's a shame this kind of thread attracts woeful tales of third hand negative anecdotes.

Our experience of modern boarding has been super positive. My DCs are all at university now. Their faces light up when they remember their school days. And they still go on holiday with their old friends.

Not everyone will experience the same.

I have great friends from boarding. I still saw bullying

Although yes a while ago so we’d need more up to date accounts

Students often won’t say much, maybe anonymously online if a site allows it and is publicised

The private school my kids used to go to was very multicultural despite us being in a predominantly white area so I can well believe there is less racism.

But bullying was rife.

The same at the boarding school dd went to (she was a day pupil). The state school I moved ds to for secondary had far less bullying but he was aghast at the level of racism there.

[quote PricklesTheHedgehog]@Stifledlife

Thanks for this post - this has been my experience 100%!

It's a shame this kind of thread attracts woeful tales of third hand negative anecdotes.

Our experience of modern boarding has been super positive. My DCs are all at university now. Their faces light up when they remember their school days. And they still go on holiday with their old friends. [/quote]
All that means is that your kids weren’t bullied at school. My son luckily hasn’t been bullied at school. I’m 100% sure bullying still happens at his school.

It’s my belief though that anywhere with a large amount of kids or teens will have bullying. If a school says they have no bullying I am immediately suspicious and presume they just have a culture of sweeping it under the carpet/denying it. I would much rather a school says yes this is our bullying policy and what we do if bullying is seen or reported.

It’s not nice but it’s a fact of life, in my experience it happens everywhere.

have not RTFT. Am laughing my head off at the idea that a boarding school would have fewer instances of bullying.

unless it has changed A LOT since my day

You tend to come out nice at the end, but there are often sticky bits in the middle. Enormous effort is made to prevent bullying, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen at all. And when it does happen, if you're boarding then it's extra hard because you can't get away from it at the end of the day.

I think it's about picking the right school for you. Bear in mind that (and I really hope this doesn't sound rude) in my experience most of the BAME students at the top fee paying schools will be from overseas. The non-white contingent at my school was Nigerian, Mexican and from Hong Kong. This isn't a bad thing at all, and it's amazing to have friends all over the world, but it does mean they are less likely to have Black British friends, which is a shared experience you might want your children to have, or might not be worried about.

I always thought the bullying was worse in the places you mention OP.

I’ve been bullied by people who come from boarding and public schools etc maybe in a different way from ‘normal’ bullying. I’d say though it was worse.

Extremely naive, yes.

There is absolutely bullying at boarding schools, always has been. I know two boys who left a famous public school and another warned not to go there because of it, in the last couple of years.

I also know women who went to co-ed or co-ed in sixth form boarding schools who experienced bullying from the boys.

One of my best friends hated Cheltenham - it may have changed now but it was a very conservative school.

@baffledcoconut that’s the one, yes.

The people I know who suffered the worst bullying at school were at public/private school.
But I like to think it's changed.

Tldr: I was expelled from my boarding school aged 16 because I was being horrendously bullied and no-one gave a damn.

No bullying in private schools- have you ever been in a private school yourself, OP? It's absolutely rife.
And it's all to do with status.
If you're on the 1st hockey/rugby/netball/cricket teams then you're fine, bordering on hero worshipped
If you're 'popular' then you're fine
If you're in the arty/drama crew then you're fine
If you're high up in the CCF (armed forces-lite for teenage kids) then you're fine
If you're one of the popular teacher's favourites then you're fine
If mater/pater have loads of £££ then you're fine, mainly because you're the one supplying the school with coke/weed.

If you're none of the above then quite frankly you're stuffed. Imagine coming from a single parent, scholarship family turning up in second hand uniform from the uniform shop. And speaking with a strong regional accent suggestive of one of the lower classes. I was bullied from the day I stepped foot in my secondary school to the day they asked me to leave. The teachers did bugger all to stop it. In one case, the teacher was just as bad, if not worse than the other kids in the class. I've still got one of my school reports that plainly said that I need to learn to make less of a target of myself.
In the end I adopted a 'you don't care about me, I don't care about the school' attitude and raised merry hell. Because that was the only way I knew to deal with what was going on.
And thanks to the bullying teacher who told me I was a nobody, would go nowhere in life and would end up living on the council estate I came from. You may now address me as Dr Troll.

You may now address me as Dr Troll.

High five. Medical or academic?

have not RTFT. Am laughing my head off at the idea that a boarding school would have fewer instances of bullying.

unless it has changed A LOT since my day

I think the point a few on here are labouring to make is that personal anecdotes from attending boarding school 25+ years ago are not really much use when attitudes to child welfare in both the state and independent sector have come on leaps on bounds. That is not to say bullying does not happen, more a case that attitudes have changed significantly and it is addressed way more seriously then yesteryear.

@DillonPanthersTexas

have not RTFT. Am laughing my head off at the idea that a boarding school would have fewer instances of bullying.

unless it has changed A LOT since my day

I think the point a few on here are labouring to make is that personal anecdotes from attending boarding school 25+ years ago are not really much use when attitudes to child welfare in both the state and independent sector have come on leaps on bounds. That is not to say bullying does not happen, more a case that attitudes have changed significantly and it is addressed way more seriously then yesteryear.

I would like to know how it’s changed.

If there’s still a hierarchy as some have mentioned how are those at the bottom helped

Often it comes out later as when at school children keep it in.

Maybe it is very different, everyone’s invited site shows a lot still goes on

Bullying in the private school I taught in was very much the teacher led. Bullying and appalling behaviour in the staff room, from tutors to students and obviously amongst students. This was around 2000 - 2006