To think public schools/boarding schools have fewer problems with bullying?

[PostingOnMN]

AIBU? To have the opinion that top public schools and boarding schools have fewer problems with bullying than non-public schools or boarding schools? Top boarding schools I mean places like Cheltenham Ladies College, Perse Upper School, or even Eton College?

Also as someone who is black or BAME I guess, meeting people who attended those schools while I was at university, I felt completely comfortable around them and their parents were really nice! Even though they had travelled to foreign countries, had multiple homes around Europe and even holiday homes in the UK! They were really down to earth and didn’t comment on my skin colour at all or make me feel any different, which is something I cannot always say. I also went to a summer course in Eton College and the teachers there were really helpful and even recommended me for a different course and helped me prepare! I found the same thing at a well known university in London.

I’m now wondering if I would like to send kids to schools like that but wondering if I’m being naive based on limited experiences?

However, I’ll also say that high standards were drummed into us too. A ‘B’ is a sub-standard grade. It’s an outlook I struggle with still, I hold myself to impossible standards which inevitably means I feel like a failure quite regularly. I still have happy memories of school though.

Everyone I know who boarded (would be mid 00s this) was HIDEOUSLY bullied, most of them still have therapy now for it.
Private day school I think unlike the state sector there isn’t the duty to keep a child in education so if there is a little shit they just get kicked out (in my experience of a very posh day school)

I went to a boarding school in the mid 2000s. I was bullied horribly including having my property stolen and having a girl throw a cup of scolding water at me and relentless verbal bullying. I ended up with severe depression and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital aged sixteen - the school did nothing because the main perpetrator had a father with a senior legal position and she was head girl. About ten years on, the experience still effects me every day and I've been diagnosed with PTSD.

Of course, this is just my personal experience, but I think its naive to think that severe bullying isn't a feature of all, or most public schools.

I went to two and I also taught at one.

My school days were a misery. The public boarding school I worked at was toxic. All of them rife with the worst kind of bullying and never ever dealt with. Even sexual assault, goading towards suicide. They made those perpetrators prefects and the one who was worst to me was Head Boy.

Went to one state school, worked at loads. The bullying was different. Often more violent but less psychologically and emotionally damaging. And far, far more exclusions and even prosecutions for bullying.

The motto in the schools I attended and the one I worked it was, "a bit of bullying is character building".

Boarding shields parents from seeing bullying.

For the bullied it's 24/7, not just between 9am and 3pm. Paradise eh?

I went to one of the most famous public schools, just as it was going co-ed. Bullying was extreme. Horrific. The “low status” boys suffered unrelenting physical violence- one boy I knew was thrown down a flight of concrete stairs in his boarding house every single day one term. He didn’t dare tell anyone outside the school, and the boarding house staff knew but did not care - it was regarded as unremarkable. He was picked on particularly because he was south Asian. One of the girls in my boarding house was subjected to a mock rape - in a dining hall, in the presence of the dining hall staff. Nobody stepped in to stop the attack. The daily sexism and racism was off the scale.

These people now run the country, either in the Conservative party or the big investment banks. I have no doubt they can appear charming when you meet them.

The only person I know who went to one of the big public schools, has ongoing trauma that has affected the rest of his life, from severe and unrelenting bullying.

People often travel within work and their dc get sent to private schools so yes in that respect there can be far more diversity than local schools.

If one child is causing so many issues that that kids complain then I guess there is more motivation to be keep the mass happy

• caveat now that is.

Yes sadly it is seems boarding schools for some have been horrific prisons of abuse of all kinds

Don't forget the sexual abuse and drug problems too OP.

High school is hell for so many kids. The worst thing in the world is to send kids to live there without their families.

That’s the thing @dontbenastyhaveapasty, they have a way of coming across as so charming when you meet people them (the men especially) that it’s almost hard to imagine they would be capable of doing those things you’ve described (although I do believe you).

I went to one of the schools in your list. Bullying was rife!

@PostingOnMN unfortunately BAME students are often subjected to far greater bullying at these schools (speaking from experience).
Apologies, haven't read the rest of the replies so probably repeating what has already been posted.

I went to one of the schools you mentioned.

To be fair, with respect to racism, I think it was ok.

But every other type of bullying was rife.
Boarding schools can be the most horrific places for bullying. There is no getting away from it, no going home, same girls during the day, evening and night time.
You don't tell, because then you are a snitch and that makes it 1000 x worse.

I am ashamed that I didn't stand up for some of the girls who were bullied. At the time, it was self preservation.

Oh OP, bullying happens everywhere and probably worse in boarding schools. Worse because you don't even get to escape after school and take a break, like day students.

I never went, thankfully, even though we'd wanted to. But I know many who did. Terrible experience for many. I know it's not the same for everyone.

You've seen Everyone's Invited right?

My husband was a day boy at a boarding school. Bullied every single day for 7 years. Private schools are hotbeds of this!

You wouldn’t know it for the charming children and their parents you meet but don’t be fooled OP!

Steppemum guess we were at the same school!

I've just remembered that the friend I mentioned in my earlier post wasn't even allowed to use his own name at school as it was "foreign". He was allocated a British name which he had to use at all times. I'd like to think that things have improved now, but this was only the 1980s not the time of Tom Brown's Schooldays. I was shocked when he told me.

My DD is mixed race and now goes to a private school. She doesn't board, but there is the option there. I moved her from the local state school, so have seen both sides.
One of the things I love about it is that they have kids from many different countries, ethnicities and religions there.
Some of the parents are obviously loaded, but many are just normal working parents.
I'm sure bullying must go on there as it does at every school, but I've not come across it or heard of it at all. One of the things I've noticed, is that if there are any friendship issues or something you want to talk about, it's fine to email the teachers. You always get the impression you are taken seriously. This is not because the teachers are necessarily any better than state schools, it's just that they have smaller classes and more time. The other thing is that parents tend to be more engaged, so the general level of behaviour is better.

I think every school is different, so you have to visit and see which is the best fit for your child. Ask about bullying. A good school won't mind talking about how they deal with any issues. If they claim it doesn't happen at all, alarm bells should ring!!

I went to state school myself, but moving my daughter was the best thing I did.

I would suggest that you look at Everyone's Invited to see how high class private schools deal with peer to peer abuse

As far as I’ve always understood they have a worse problem with it.

My experience of being at university wher ea vast majority were private/ public school, although I wasn’t bullied myself , supports that idea.

Unfortunately our experience with public boarding school is many children were bullied openly and this was not nipped in the bud, just swept under disagreement umbrella unless official written complaint was made (which doesn’t happen often). Almost every house and every class will have their victim. You would also be surprised at some teachers there - you might have read now and then a scandalous story about a teacher fired from top boarding schools due to racism/sexism etc - well I would say these are only the ones somebody had courage to complain about…
Day private schools generally are much better.

It seems a bit naive to presume there is no bullying in boarding schools because an adult you knew who was at boarding school as a kid (and whose parents have multiple holiday homes) was polite to you. Or because a teacher at a summer programme helped you as they were being paid to do.

I mean if you come to the supermarket I work at (in an area of extreme social and economic deprivation) I’ll be nice to you. But that doesn’t mean there is no bullying at the local high school.

Bullying happens everywhere and has nothing to do with social class. When I attended public school I stuck out like a sore thumb because I studied hard and was seen as a nerd. The smoking, swearing girls were seen as the cool ones. Those same nerdy qualities were seen as something admirable at the private school that I attended later and those that were deemed ‘too common’ were bullied there. No environment is bully free I’m afraid.