To think public schools/boarding schools have fewer problems with bullying?

[PostingOnMN]

AIBU? To have the opinion that top public schools and boarding schools have fewer problems with bullying than non-public schools or boarding schools? Top boarding schools I mean places like Cheltenham Ladies College, Perse Upper School, or even Eton College?

Also as someone who is black or BAME I guess, meeting people who attended those schools while I was at university, I felt completely comfortable around them and their parents were really nice! Even though they had travelled to foreign countries, had multiple homes around Europe and even holiday homes in the UK! They were really down to earth and didn’t comment on my skin colour at all or make me feel any different, which is something I cannot always say. I also went to a summer course in Eton College and the teachers there were really helpful and even recommended me for a different course and helped me prepare! I found the same thing at a well known university in London.

I’m now wondering if I would like to send kids to schools like that but wondering if I’m being naive based on limited experiences?

No - one of my best friends was harmed in a lifelong way from his Private Boarding School experiences; although my DS (ASD) suffered within the State system, the harm caused is not so deep and lifelong.

Every school has bullying, whether you experienced it or not. What matters is how it’s dealt with.

Private schools have more resources and flexibility to deal with bullying. That does not mean they do, but when they do it is likely to be more effective.

State schools have far fewer resources and often have their hands tied. They are more likely to try to deal with it.

So from the above,

Best results will be those schools who really want to tackle bullying.
Then state schools who prioritise dealing with bullying.
Then the rest of schools who just pay lip service.

@PostingOnMN

Thanks *@Yarboosucks* however it seems like most people feel that I am being unreasonable and seem to have the opposite opinion

I think a lot depends on your social class in society. I don't think you want to put your kid into a school where they are in a vastly different social class than those around them.

So if you're doing well, (you mentioned you're university educated that's a positive) there is a good chance they will be fine and it's probably a good move but if you are going to struggle to pay their tuition and also pay for other things in life than it might not be the best move.

Also realise that most people doing these polls will not be people in upper social classes in society (as there is less people obviously) so the poll will skew.

As always my post will offend 10+ people.

I was educated in independent schools, and my daughter is at one having moved from a state school. My own experience of independent schools , and bar one school which I attended for a year, they were all on a par with the school my daughter is at now. In my view much depends on the ethos, values and culture espoused by the school - important to understand all independent schools all unique.

While in a state school, my daughter was horribly bullied by staff and pupils in the state school and labelled a ''problem child'' . The bullying was never addressed. 2 children in her class were removed by their parents due to bullying that wasn't addressed. Bar a minority, the parents weren't very pleasant & judgmental in a way that honestly shocked me. She's now in an independent school and thriving on all levels. Interestingly, she hasn't been bullied at all. From what she tells me any unpleasant behavior is swiftly and fairly dealt with before it can escalate. There is a strong expectation of respectful behaviour. The parents are lovely, from varied backgrounds and cultures. I've limited experience of state schools so prepared to accept my experience is not representative.

My DH went to Eton and there was a considerable amount of bullying - he escaped intact but it was miserable for many of his friends.
My cousin went to Cheltenham Ladies and was removed by her parents half way through her GCSE year because she was about to have a breakdown because of school academic pressure and a toxic atmosphere.
In general at Uni the people who I knew from top public schools seemed more likely to have been bullied than me and my grammar school friends.
What makes bullying even worse in boarding schools is that you can't escape and be with people who love you.

Really? No way.

@Pinkyxx

I was educated in independent schools, and my daughter is at one having moved from a state school. My own experience of independent schools , and bar one school which I attended for a year, they were all on a par with the school my daughter is at now. In my view much depends on the ethos, values and culture espoused by the school - important to understand all independent schools all unique.

While in a state school, my daughter was horribly bullied by staff and pupils in the state school and labelled a ''problem child'' . The bullying was never addressed. 2 children in her class were removed by their parents due to bullying that wasn't addressed. Bar a minority, the parents weren't very pleasant & judgmental in a way that honestly shocked me. She's now in an independent school and thriving on all levels. Interestingly, she hasn't been bullied at all. From what she tells me any unpleasant behavior is swiftly and fairly dealt with before it can escalate. There is a strong expectation of respectful behaviour. The parents are lovely, from varied backgrounds and cultures. I've limited experience of state schools so prepared to accept my experience is not representative.

My experience of both sectors is good wrt bullying although I think independent can really be good.

Is your dd boarding? As I think that’s a separate thing again.

There’s an independent school in Somerset - not a top public school but famous - that is absolutely famous locally for bullying. I think someone already alluded to it upthread. It baffles me that anyone still sends their children there. Maybe everything has changed?

I went to a boarding school. Bullying certainly happened, and as people point out was made worse by virtue of the fact that the safety net of going home every evening wasn't available.

The best bit is if you’ve got a ‘personality clash’ aka bullying, the boarding staff got you to room together. So it was endless 24 hours a day torture.

And then there were the ‘dodgy’ staff members.

Happy days. Let me ring my therapist..

I wouldn’t be surprised that these elite people are so great because they are so much better than the likes of us.

@Shewholovedthethebanhills a particularly sporty one?

Every school has bullies, but some schools deal with it better. Private schools are no exception.

You're joking right?

Even if you avoid a bully at school and have particularly good teachers who stamp bullying behaviour out, at some point in your life you will meet a bully. The trick is to learn how to stand up for yourself and not become a victim. It’s a life lesson we all have to learn at some point sadly.

All schools have bullies, but some choose not to deal with it.

My husband went to a well known boarding school, he was bullied throughout his time at school, it wasn’t limited to the students either.

My ex had a bone broken by a bully at a top public school. Admittedly 30 years ago but still

@MarshaBradyo she is at a boarding school yes, but a flexi-boarder.

I have had only good experiences at two top UK boarding schools.

Of course there must be exceptions, but all the pupils and staff I encountered were kind, very well mannered and they absolutely treated all races with respect and genuine friendliness.

At one school my DC (UK white) shared a room with a pupil from a different culture and ethnicity. There was never an issue.

A different DC at a different school had a long term relationship with a pupil who was of a different ethnicity.

In both schools, I can't recall a single problem.

I think private schools vary. DS attends an academically selective school, low grade bullying does go on but the pupils are quick to support their peers and report incidents. DS has been known to pull up a few individuals when he sees obvious bullying, and he is not the only one.
There is a gender fluid boy in his year who has been identifying as a girl for the last 3 yrs. School dealt with it internally without involving parents. Introducing policy involving the pupils, so many parents are still unaware of the situation. It is lovely to see how accepting they are of this pupil. Some caused problems but they were predominantly the pupils who cause problems for everyone.
In contrast the other local private school made a real song and dance about gender fluidity and opened up discussion to parents with regard to gender neutral toilets and changing rooms. It caused a great deal of problems.
I have frequently found the biggest bullies are parents who think because they pay fees they can bully teaching staff. Children who see their parents successfully bullying someone will adopt similar behaviour.

there is more opportunities for staff to continue the bullying of a pupil at boarding school; there is no escape, there in the evenings, overnight, early morning, and not allowed out of the building.
it is a pressurised environment. like a prison.
i know whereof i speak.
OP, i think it's rather sad that you seem so impressed to receive ordinary courtesy from those around you.
if anyone ever comments on your skin colour, any adult
of average intelligence, and under 80 years of age, just walk away. don't even answer them. that is not normal, and that is not acceptable.
suggests you've had some v bad experiences earlier. sorry for that.
can you say which london univ impressed you, by the way.

Yes bullying at my girls school was hideous.

I went to a top boarding school. Bullying was rife as were class differences. I was teased because I didn't ride, ski or have a dog.

I'd hope pastoral care is far better these days but did feel very worried when i heard my friend's daughter was going to the same school.

Aw bless you OP. Thats one of the saddest and funniest things Ive ever read.

I went to a private girls school, left in 2008. There was no bullying at all. Manners and etiquette were drummed into us from day one, we were to stand when an adult entered the room, “yes Miss” or “no Miss”, we weren’t allowed to eat in uniform unless in the dining hall etc. The school motto was something about courtesy. This wasn’t a super expensive or well known school, just a ‘bog standard’ private girls day school with a reasonable amount of diversity.
I keep in touch with a fair number of old school mates and I’d say we have all grown up to be pretty decent humans so something clearly worked.