Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the term 'Cool girl'

99 replies

EmotionalSupportBear · 27/09/2021 13:49

Especially the way its used on here, like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

I'm currently single.. but yes, i let my ExH have female friends, and i let him dress however he liked, and i let him go out whenever he wanted.

Its not being a 'cool girl' its not been done for 'good wife brownie points' [boak] its about believing that your partner loves you and wants to be with you, and trusting that.

If they're going to stray, they will stray, and no amount of trying to prevent them from living their life alongside yours will prevent that. (ftr i left mine because he WAS an abusive twatbag)

No-one is virtue signalling. Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women with this 'cool wife' shit.

OP posts:
OneTC · 27/09/2021 13:52

The thread its being rolled out in at the moment is pretty galling yeah

Suprima · 27/09/2021 13:56

@EmotionalSupportBear

Especially the way its used on here, like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

I'm currently single.. but yes, i let my ExH have female friends, and i let him dress however he liked, and i let him go out whenever he wanted.

Its not being a 'cool girl' its not been done for 'good wife brownie points' [boak] its about believing that your partner loves you and wants to be with you, and trusting that.

If they're going to stray, they will stray, and no amount of trying to prevent them from living their life alongside yours will prevent that. (ftr i left mine because he WAS an abusive twatbag)

No-one is virtue signalling. Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women with this 'cool wife' shit.

It isn’t a term used that often though.

The only time I see it being used is when posters incite a pile-on for a OP not being cool with their partner going to a strip club, or deem them ‘controlling’ for wanting their partner to arrange a nice date for them, rather than investing so much energy in female friends.

Women who support the sex industry and are desperate for other women to accept the scraps of male affection, or tolerate shit relationships, are insufferable ‘cool girls’ and I honestly couldn’t give a shit about upsetting them.

And miss me with the ‘degrading other women’ nonsense- I have never met a MN ‘cool girl’ who wasn’t doing the same….whether it was calling a left at home wife ‘unhinged’ or ‘controlling’, or standing up for all men’s right to be dry humped by strippers.

Polkadots2021 · 27/09/2021 14:00

@EmotionalSupportBear

Especially the way its used on here, like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

I'm currently single.. but yes, i let my ExH have female friends, and i let him dress however he liked, and i let him go out whenever he wanted.

Its not being a 'cool girl' its not been done for 'good wife brownie points' [boak] its about believing that your partner loves you and wants to be with you, and trusting that.

If they're going to stray, they will stray, and no amount of trying to prevent them from living their life alongside yours will prevent that. (ftr i left mine because he WAS an abusive twatbag)

No-one is virtue signalling. Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women with this 'cool wife' shit.

This is why I don't use social media,clearly 'cool girl' is the new phrase driving everyone mental. I have no idea of this new meaning and am unbothered completely by this and every other stupid social media thing. Just stay away from social media and you won't notice any of this let alone get worked up and angry about it!
MurielSpriggs · 27/09/2021 14:01

I thought it was cool wife. I've always been pretty happy to be identified as one.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 27/09/2021 14:02

like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women…

Oh the irony… Hmm

MultiStorey · 27/09/2021 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Biancadelrioisback · 27/09/2021 14:07

I've been accused of it loads on here for not always agreeing with the "LTB" posters, who think we should all leave out partners for the tiniest thing.
Or if I agree with the "husband/partner" on a thread.
It's like we all have to think a certain way or automatically side with the OP (providing they are a woman).

I know what actually makes someone a cool wife/girlfriend is giving up their own integrity to satisfy their partner, but on here you're a 'cool girl' if you don't mind your partner having a female friend....because some posters just can't accept that other women think differently to them and so MUST just be saying that to seem cool to their partners.

Original poster
EmotionalSupportBear · 27/09/2021 14:08

its not new, i've been on here for 14 years under different names, i've seen it used under various guises along the same lines the whole time i've been here.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmotionalSupportBear · 27/09/2021 14:11

@Biancadelrioisback

I've been accused of it loads on here for not always agreeing with the "LTB" posters, who think we should all leave out partners for the tiniest thing. Or if I agree with the "husband/partner" on a thread. It's like we all have to think a certain way or automatically side with the OP (providing they are a woman).

I know what actually makes someone a cool wife/girlfriend is giving up their own integrity to satisfy their partner, but on here you're a 'cool girl' if you don't mind your partner having a female friend....because some posters just can't accept that other women think differently to them and so MUST just be saying that to seem cool to their partners.

Exactly Bianca, thank you, thats exactly how its used on here, not how its meant to symbolise.. and for those women who ARE what its supposed to mean, i do think they need help/support.

But i am not a 'cool girl' for not giving a fuck if my other half wants to waltz around in a skirt with eyeliner on.

OP posts:
Poetnojo · 27/09/2021 14:14

@InTheNightWeWillWish

like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women…

Oh the irony… Hmm

GrinGrinGrin
Ionlydomassiveones · 27/09/2021 14:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RobinPenguins · 27/09/2021 14:16

That’s not what cool girl means though. I haven’t really seen it being used on here to know if that’s the context, but if it’s as you describe then the term is being used incorrectly.

brittleheadgirl · 27/09/2021 14:17

@InTheNightWeWillWish

like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women…

Oh the irony… Hmm

You literally couldn't make it up!!! HmmHmm
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 27/09/2021 14:18

I loathe it because it's such a misnomer. The posters it's applied to seem absolutely nothing of the sort.

It's just online nonsense like so many other things are, which don't exist in real life (thankfully).

MurielSpriggs · 27/09/2021 14:20

@Ionlydomassiveones

If you are a ‘cool girl’ because your boundaries are steel thick and you know your man has integrity then your choices and thinking are perfectly logical - so why should the phrase bother you?

If you are ‘cool girl’ because you secretly believe men are, and should be, dominant and you revel in being the stereotypical ‘little woman’ who shuts the fuck up and never questions his male superiority and machismo. Then just own it. Or have better standards.

Either way I’m glad there’s a phrase to describe the behaviour, because it should be called out. Women enabling misogyny.

Except you've managed to contradict yourself in 100 words because as you've said the phrase is ambiguous!
Biancadelrioisback · 27/09/2021 14:20

@Ionlydomassiveones

If you are a ‘cool girl’ because your boundaries are steel thick and you know your man has integrity then your choices and thinking are perfectly logical - so why should the phrase bother you?

If you are ‘cool girl’ because you secretly believe men are, and should be, dominant and you revel in being the stereotypical ‘little woman’ who shuts the fuck up and never questions his male superiority and machismo. Then just own it. Or have better standards.

Either way I’m glad there’s a phrase to describe the behaviour, because it should be called out. Women enabling misogyny.

It's not a personal bother really, as in I don't really care what people think about me and my relationship as I'm confident in it, but it's more that when poster start calling you a 'cool girl' on here, anything you say will be disregarded so there isn't much point in being on here...it's like being bullied off the platform for not having the same opinions as others.

I love this platform but there are posters who have labelled me a 'cool girl' and will jump on me across various threads to tell others to not listen to me etc.

Brefugee · 27/09/2021 14:23

It's being used in a nonsensical way to try to shut up people who don't agree with you.

And i do agree that some of the ones being called the "cool girl" appear to be saying what they're saying to be contrary.

I'll continue to ignore it, as we did, back in the day with the "I'm not like other girls" who didn't hang around with girls for, well, not really sure why. I had a great bunch of female friends and we had a lot of fun.

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/09/2021 14:24

@Ionlydomassiveones

If you are a ‘cool girl’ because your boundaries are steel thick and you know your man has integrity then your choices and thinking are perfectly logical - so why should the phrase bother you?

If you are ‘cool girl’ because you secretly believe men are, and should be, dominant and you revel in being the stereotypical ‘little woman’ who shuts the fuck up and never questions his male superiority and machismo. Then just own it. Or have better standards.

Either way I’m glad there’s a phrase to describe the behaviour, because it should be called out. Women enabling misogyny.

Because it’s dismissive, and frequently used to rubbish a perfectly valid and normal opinion held by another woman, and yes - I’ve seen it used very often towards women who simply say they don’t mind their partner having a female friend, or being on friendly terms with the mother of his children, or going on holiday with his friends.

A phrase can bother you regardless of whether you know your own reasoning and logic is sound. If somebody called you a fat cow I expect you’d be bothered by it, even if your own logic told you that you’re neither fat nor a cow.

Shirleyphallus · 27/09/2021 14:26

It’s just such a lazy way to insult someone whose personal opinions are different to your own

I also think that “cool wives” are ok with their husband’s behaviour because they’re married to generally good men. As an example, I wouldn’t care if my husband stayed out all night snd I didn’t hear from him after 1am, because he’s a decent guy who doesn’t do that kind of thing and if he did, we’d have a gossip about the night before and a bacon sandwich the next morning. And I know this, because I have done that very thing myself and that’s how he acted afterwards.

That would get a condescending label of “cool wife” on a thread but I just don’t care because we are in an otherwise respectful relationship. If he stayed out all night every week and was a bit of a dick about it and I still said it was ok, I could understanding why I would scoffingly be called a cool wife

Macncheeseballs · 27/09/2021 14:27

I'm really confused, are you saying you are a cool girl and that's cool or you are not a cool girl

FOJN · 27/09/2021 14:29

"cool girl" = insulting and degrading
"Controlling twatbag" = not insulting and degrading

I'm not a fan of either but one does seem more aggressively insulting and degrading than the other; it's not cool girl. You don't sound supportive of other women but feel personally insulted when they reciprocate the contempt.

LemonPeonies · 27/09/2021 14:29

Completely agree. My exes have all called me low maintenance or laid back and I far prefer those terms 😅. I've never had a problem with them having female friends or wanking, or watching porn. Hell, sometimes we did those together! None have felt the need to cheat either.

BiBabbles · 27/09/2021 14:33

Like most of these phrases, they have a purpose but some use it more liberally than others to the point I think it's become more nonsense than anything. I don't hate it, but I can get why it annoys some.

It is useful to have a shorthand particularly for media representations of women who make an important part of their sense of self to be 'modern' and 'open' to accepting her partner being degrading to women or pushing risky, undesirable sexual acts, especially when the media makes that seem as a positive ideal.

It's less useful when it then gets muddied by it being used by some anytime another woman doesn't have a negative opinion on something a man does that another women wouldn't like her partner doing. Like yes, the polish or even sex-related stuff - I've been called a cool girl on here because my spouse is bisexual and I'm more than okay with that, I specifically chose bisexual partners when younger, but because some don't want to be in a relationship with a bisexual man, that somehow makes my choice "cool girl". It makes the term nonsense when it's treated like that.

Ichangemynameagain · 27/09/2021 14:34

I do think it is a phase that is peddled out on MN towards women who do not agree with the OPs point of view or take the side of the men.

OP:My husband doesn't like fish but I do
MN en masse: LTB
One random OP: I don't really like fish either
MN en masse: Oh nice to see the cool girls are out in force today. Hmm

It's always with the Hmm emoji too

HTH1 · 27/09/2021 14:36

Depends how it’s used. There was a Mnetter on one thread a while ago now who used to do absolutely anything men wanted sexually (including anal) and described herself as a “cool girl”. If that’s what a cool girl is, I’m very happy not to be one!