To hate the term 'Cool girl'

[EmotionalSupportBear]

Especially the way its used on here, like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

I'm currently single.. but yes, i let my ExH have female friends, and i let him dress however he liked, and i let him go out whenever he wanted.

Its not being a 'cool girl' its not been done for 'good wife brownie points' [boak] its about believing that your partner loves you and wants to be with you, and trusting that.

If they're going to stray, they will stray, and no amount of trying to prevent them from living their life alongside yours will prevent that. (ftr i left mine because he WAS an abusive twatbag)

No-one is virtue signalling. Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women with this 'cool wife' shit.

@MarshmallowSwede

Look.. do you.

There was a post about a woman who didn’t want her husband wearing nail polish. And a bunch of posters put their super hero save a dick capes on to make sure men were not being harmed.. telling the OP she was a homophobe.

And I certainly used “cool girl” for all the ladies swooping down like super hero to protect the honor of men above all
Else!!!! … when a woman is telling you why she does not find it attractive that her husband wants to paint his nails. And she explained why she had concerns .. yet she has to examine her bias and she’s the problem because she’s homophobic.

Cool girls tell a woman to accept any and everything from a man.

This isn’t about female friends or anything. And if your justification is your previous abusive relationship as to why it’s ok to say a woman is a controlling twatbag.. but no one should say “cool girl” you don’t help your argument.

So you keep saying twat bag and I’ll keep using cool girl. No one looses any sleep. Because we are strangers on the internet and really none of this matters and no one cares.

And a bunch of posters put their super hero save a dick capes on to make sure men were not being harmed..

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Meh. The homophobe thing was fine - it was homophobic to say that a man who paints his nails must be gay. Not wanting to be married to a gay man also got her called homophobic, i think, and that was wrong.

I like the shorthand of Cool Girl (Cool Wife, "not like other girls") when it's used correctly. When it is used, as it so often is here in an attempt to shut other women up, it's a shitty thing to say.

@OneTC

The thread its being rolled out in at the moment is pretty galling yeah

what thread is that?

Hmmm, I agree that you can't and shouldn't force people to see things the way you do.
I don't think you should write someone's opinion off just because you personally don't understand where they're coming from. Which calling posters "cool girl" does.
It has to work both ways. Some people can have views that are actually harmful to minority groups and I don't agree that they should spread their hate. In our own lives, we set our boundaries. As long as we're not hurting someone as a result, then we should just accept that everyone is different.

@Theoldprospector

Love the use of ‘cool girl.’

It also perfectly fits with its film use that it requires two audiences, not only the man the subject is attempting to put on the pretence for but also a second audience to admit/boast about it to.

I think there's a new manifestation of 'cool-girlism' that needs the first two audiences of men and approving 'allies', and also a third audience, @Theoldprospector, one that will be deemed to disapprove and be prudes.

It's like the blue-haired babies pandering to kink thinking they're on some bloody human rights crusade.

Without some sort of disapproving audience they'd feel invisible, like toddlers without attention falling into a little existential crisis of mashed up play-doh.

@MarshmallowSwede ok, so take out the twatbag bit.. telling your partner what they can or cannot do, is controlling, and abusive.

If you can't accept your partner for who they are, and feel the need to control their looks/behaviour/social life/friendships/fashion choices, then you are being abusive.

Leaving your partner to be themselves, is how it should be, and it doesn't make anyone a 'cool girl' to not feel the need to impose boundaries on someone elses life just because they choose to share it with you.

I always use cool girl correctly.

Whenever a woman or group of women swoop in to make sure men are being centred, or the honour of men is centred above the concerns of women.. yeah. I’ll be there to point out their bullshit.

I have a strict “no dick pandering” policy. And I don’t appreciate that a woman isn’t allowed to not want certain things in her marriage without being called a homophobe.

Dick pandering is a sign of a woman who is male centered and puts men above herself. So I will argue that “cool girls” are women with a very male centric and male focused view of the world.

OP You said in your op, a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend so that was female sex-specific, and posters on your thread understandably reacted to that.

You won't apologise for it. That's your call, obviously.

‘Here come the cool wives’ is used to put down women who actually trust their partners and don’t want to control them - usually to make themselves feel better about their own controlling behaviour. They can justify not ‘letting’ their husbands stay out or have female friends. ‘It’s not me that’s wrong - it’s them’.

Of course you impose boundaries on other people’s lives if they share them with yours!

After DV I had months of therapy where week after week the therapist would point out all the different people I was failing to set up boundaries from and with.

@Theoldprospector

Of course you impose boundaries on other people’s lives if they share them with yours!

After DV I had months of therapy where week after week the therapist would point out all the different people I was failing to set up boundaries from and with.

I wouldn't say you impose boundaries...more you just make your own boundaries crystal clear and they can chose to either respect them or not.

If you really hates strip clubs and let your partner know from day dot that you wouldn't be/stay in a relationship with someone who visited them, and then they have a few options:
A) respect that and not visit strip clubs
B) visit them anyways and accept that you'll either roll over for them or end the relationship
C) end the relationship themselves because you're boundaries are in alignment.

I wouldn't say to someone that they "can't" do something, I'd just let them know what my boundaries are

I’m a cool girl. I don’t want to police my partner. I don’t want to police anyone. It’s not an attempt to pander to men.

Also, there’s something about not being a cool girl that infantilises men- as if women have to keep them the men and children in check because they can’t be trusted.

@MarshmallowSwede ok, so take out the twatbag bit.. telling your partner what they can or cannot do, is controlling, and abusive.

Depends what the thing is, surely? I certainly feel I'd have the right to tell a partner they couldn't sleep with other people, take illegal drugs, drink drive, harm our children or put them in danger, speak to me abusively or physically hurt me, gamble away our shared money, and many other things. Fortunately I don't need to tell dh he can't do those things, but there are certainly women on here who do.

I've only really seen the 'cool girl' thing used on here about porn use, strip clubs etc. Or sometimes wrt a partner's female 'friend' when it's pretty obvious from the OP that friendship is not what's going on.

I think the main problem with the women on here who are called “cool wives” is that they assume because their DH doesn’t cheat/ has never cheated, that no other man will or has.

So a woman comes on with concerns about a new friendship her DH has, and the “cool wives” struggle to see outside of their own life and immediately call the woman controlling etc when actually, she’s never had concerns before, but her gut is telling her something specific about this situation. And the cool wives are essentially gaslighting her and telling her not to listen to her gut. It’s horrible and silencing and not at all supportive. Plus it’s just plain wrong!

I had never cheated, was not the type to cheat, never went looking for any other man. Then one day my husband questioned me over a guy I was suddenly talking about a lot and messaging a lot, and you know what…he was right! I had developed emotional feelings for this other man (I was in denial and this had never happened before with anyone else), and my husband’s questioning reminded me what was at stake and I cooled things off with OM. If DH had been on dadsnet and they’d all told him off for being controlling and not being a cool husband, he’d have risked me taking things further than I meant to and who knows whether we could have pulled it back from there.

I’ll say it loudly for the “cool wives”: being suspicious of your partner’s new/changed behaviour does NOT make you controlling! They are probably hiding something and your gut is your friend!

Yeah it's just started being used to describe any poster who wouldn't be phased by something the OP/other posters is. Often something that's genuinely a matter of preference, too...

OP: My husband likes football now and I am very upset, AIBU?
100 posters: YANBU, HE IS A MASSIVE DICK.
1 person: I can't see why this would bother you really
Everyone else: Oh here comes the Cool Wife

If it's being used in the original sense - i.e. a woman putting up with something she wasn't actually comfortable with in the aim of seeming more desirable to a man - then I've got no issue with it. But on here, more and more it's being directed at anyone who dares suggest any woman might occasionally need to give her head a wobble cos she might be overreacting. And it's VERY ANNOYING.

Honestly, the most annoying thing about the term "cool girl" is the fact that there's already an existing term for someone who is genuinely pandering to men. Google "pick me girl"!

And, of course, the standard response to obvious pandering... "Did he pick you, though?"

@InPraiseOfBacchus

Honestly, the most annoying thing about the term "cool girl" is the fact that there's already an existing term for someone who is genuinely pandering to men. Google "pick me girl"!

And, of course, the standard response to obvious pandering... "Did he pick you, though?"

Pick me came after cool girl. It's a newer expression for the same thing.

If it's being used in the original sense - i.e. a woman putting up with something she wasn't actually comfortable with in the aim of seeming more desirable to a man - then I've got no issue with it. But on here, more and more it's being directed at anyone who dares suggest any woman might occasionally need to give her head a wobble cos she might be overreacting. And it's VERY ANNOYING

This is the problem, it’s overused and incorrectly used here. I mostly see it used to put down women who don’t have an issue with their partners having female friends, having a good relationship with an ex (often the mother of their DC), having phone contact with female friends, not being prepared to share their phone PIN etc. Laughably, if the thread was posted from the point of view of a woman who said her partner didn’t want her having male friends, wanted her passwords etc there would be an onslaught of ‘controlling’, ‘abuse’ etc but when women behave similarly they’re championed for not trying to be a cool girl.

Well, this one's bound to end well ...

What's interesting and entertaining about this thread is the number of times controlling behaviour is brought up. And, in particular, the wording of the OP in terms of the frequent repetition of the phrase 'I let him' do this, and 'I let him' do that.

It would never occur to me that I was 'letting' my partner do anything whatsoever. I'm not his mother. I'm not his keeper. If he wants to go out I have no power to stop him, and wouldn't want to anyway. I've no desire to watch or police his every move.

There would, however, be consequences for our relationship if he crossed certain lines: for example if he treated me with a lack of consideration, stayed out all night without telling me, or did anything which supported the sex industry.

There are plenty of people on MN who will apparently go to any lengths to excuse the most hideous behaviour from men, or who will urge an OP to put up with abuse because 'he might have a mental health issue, or be distressed'. There are also ones who repeatedly insult victims of DV and sexual abuse for daring to talk about what men have put them through. If a woman dares to have boundaries, by these people's reckoning, she's some kind of shrill harpy.

As far as those types are concerned, they are a menace to other women and 'cool girl' is the mildest possible riposte for challenging that. There's a better word for it. 'Handmaiden'.

If I'm a cool girl then my husband is a cool boy too.
The lady with the issue with nail polish- the issue with us cool girls was that she was directly linking him experimenting with nail polish to being gay and that's a big leap to make.

Pick me.. cool girl. It’s a word for a dick pandering woman.

A woman who is dickmatized and as others have said, excuses any and everything that men do.

A woman who centers dick in her life.. aka men are her main focus and she will allow any and everything in order to not be single.

Also a woman who puts her super hero cape on to come and chastise other women who criticise men.

Dick pandering by another name. You can also call these women clowns. Because they put up with bullshit from men that one only finds in a circus.

So like I said… do you. Dick pander all you want. But the rest of us are free to call women out on said dick pandering.

YABU, OP. On MN the default assumption is that your partner should not speak to members of the opposite sex alone and you should check his phone each night.

Therefore we need a term for those few weirdos who let the side down by not controlling their men properly- cool girls is the MN term.

If I'm a cool girl then my husband is a cool boy too.

No, it doesn't work that way. A man being jealous of your friends or checking up on you is an abusive dick- your husband is normal but you are letting the side down if you don't have a tracker on his phone.

OP: Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women

Also OP: like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend

ok to call people with different boundaries controlling twatbags while moaning about insulting and degrading other women. Righto.