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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate the term 'Cool girl'

99 replies

EmotionalSupportBear · 27/09/2021 13:49

Especially the way its used on here, like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

I'm currently single.. but yes, i let my ExH have female friends, and i let him dress however he liked, and i let him go out whenever he wanted.

Its not being a 'cool girl' its not been done for 'good wife brownie points' [boak] its about believing that your partner loves you and wants to be with you, and trusting that.

If they're going to stray, they will stray, and no amount of trying to prevent them from living their life alongside yours will prevent that. (ftr i left mine because he WAS an abusive twatbag)

No-one is virtue signalling. Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women with this 'cool wife' shit.

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 27/09/2021 14:39

@Ichangemynameagain

I do think it is a phase that is peddled out on MN towards women who do not agree with the OPs point of view or take the side of the men.

OP:My husband doesn't like fish but I do
MN en masse: LTB
One random OP: I don't really like fish either
MN en masse: Oh nice to see the cool girls are out in force today. Hmm

It's always with the Hmm emoji too

It's that exact post time and time again. And the stupid face thing.
Original poster
EmotionalSupportBear · 27/09/2021 14:40

i'm not apologising for the 'controlling twatbag' having been on the receiving end of an abusive marriage to someone who tried to tell me what i could wear, where i could go, who i could see, and how i was allowed to look, i will stand by my assertion that anyone who treats their spouse like that is, indeed, a controlling twatbag.

If you don't try and control your spouse/partner, it doesn't apply to you.

OP posts:
EatYourVegetables · 27/09/2021 14:40

I think using Gillian Flynn’s definition is very useful, because it gives us words to think and talk about a phenomenon that would otherwise be there as some vague pattern.

The phenomenon is women who hope that by acting as “one of the boys”, not being too demanding or girly, they will manage to avoid the traps of sexism. Only of course in the end they don’t.

So YABU.

Biancadelrioisback · 27/09/2021 14:41

@HTH1

Depends how it’s used. There was a Mnetter on one thread a while ago now who used to do absolutely anything men wanted sexually (including anal) and described herself as a “cool girl”. If that’s what a cool girl is, I’m very happy not to be one!
Obviously can't speak for that particular mnetter, but I don't think many people would voluntarily label themselves as a cool girl, it's mainly used against those who have a different opinion
LemonPeonies · 27/09/2021 14:42

I've seen it used when women have stated they actually enjoy anal/choking during sex etc though, haven't personally seen an OP state they only do those things because the men want to. That annoys me because sexual preferences being used as a put down is immature and if it were the other way round and ladies who like those things called the others boring, vanilla etc their would be uproar!

Original poster
EmotionalSupportBear · 27/09/2021 14:42

@LemonPeonies

Completely agree. My exes have all called me low maintenance or laid back and I far prefer those terms 😅. I've never had a problem with them having female friends or wanking, or watching porn. Hell, sometimes we did those together! None have felt the need to cheat either.
i dont mind low maintenance/laid back. As i said, i'm a DA survivor, so i probably am on the extreme end of 'laid back' and i get its possibly almost too laid back but i wouldn't have the time for anyone who wanted to control me, and i wouldn't do it back either.
OP posts:
MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 14:44

Are you asking for an algorithm to be written so it will be automatically removed like those who asked for Karen to be removed?

So we shouldn’t use “cool girl” but using controlling twat bag for a woman is completely fine?

You’re hilarious. I guess we should write an algorithm to remove “cool girl” like the Karen’s were asking for Karen to be removed?

SpindleWorld · 27/09/2021 14:46

@InTheNightWeWillWish

like its some kind of offence to not be a controlling twatbag of a wife/girlfriend?

Can we please just stop insulting and degrading other women…

Oh the irony… Hmm

Well, indeed. It's a very noticeable piece of hypocrisy, and a piece of thinly disguised misogyny in its own right.
Biancadelrioisback · 27/09/2021 14:46

Surely it's more about trying to raise awareness that the term is a) being used incorrectly and b) diminishing other women's opinions both of which should be something people take onboard.

Divebar2021 · 27/09/2021 14:49

Typically you will see a comment “ ignore the cool wives OP” usually in relation to a subject such as female friendships, use of porn etc. It’s used on MN very frequently. The assumption that no right minded person would be ok with their DH having female friendships and the only reason they could be possibly saying they are is to be considered cool. I’ve probably been called it because I’m liberal and some conservative women don’t like it. That’s essentially what it comes down to.

rainbowmash · 27/09/2021 14:49

I agree OP - I see it a let and it makes me want to stay in the closet re: being polyamorous in case I get accused of performing the whole thing for my male partner's benefit.

Because that's the only reason a woman would do anything, right?

Basically a lot of bitter people on here who project hard onto other people's pursuit of joy.

Divebar2021 · 27/09/2021 14:51

Oh yes! I forgot anal - a lot of posters on MN have a problem with that.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 27/09/2021 14:52

@EmotionalSupportBear

i'm not apologising for the 'controlling twatbag' having been on the receiving end of an abusive marriage to someone who tried to tell me what i could wear, where i could go, who i could see, and how i was allowed to look, i will stand by my assertion that anyone who treats their spouse like that is, indeed, a controlling twatbag.

If you don't try and control your spouse/partner, it doesn't apply to you.

Having different boundaries doesn’t mean someone is a “controlling twatbag”. Especially considering the “cool wife” is most often used with women who are happy with their partner visiting strip clubs or watching porn. So you are lumping in all women who have different boundaries to you and those who are actually controlling their partners. You’re just throwing derogatory comments at anyone not as OK with their partner’s behaviour as you are but complaining about having the derogatory comment of “cool girl” thrown your way.
Tal45 · 27/09/2021 14:57

Personally I hate the term controlling twatbag when it's used just because someone else has different boundaries but heyho, we're all different.

MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 14:58

Look.. do you.

There was a post about a woman who didn’t want her husband wearing nail polish. And a bunch of posters put their super hero save a dick capes on to make sure men were not being harmed.. telling the OP she was a homophobe.

And I certainly used “cool girl” for all the ladies swooping down like super hero to protect the honor of men above all
Else!!!! … when a woman is telling you why she does not find it attractive that her husband wants to paint his nails. And she explained why she had concerns .. yet she has to examine her bias and she’s the problem because she’s homophobic.

Cool girls tell a woman to accept any and everything from a man.

This isn’t about female friends or anything. And if your justification is your previous abusive relationship as to why it’s ok to say a woman is a controlling twatbag.. but no one should say “cool girl” you don’t help your argument.

So you keep saying twat bag and I’ll keep using cool girl. No one looses any sleep. Because we are strangers on the internet and really none of this matters and no one cares.

LittleGwyneth · 27/09/2021 15:02

There seems to be a general attitude that if you like certain things which are surprising to the average MN user, you must be pretending to make men like you more.

I did sex work, I enjoyed it, I know first hand it's possible for it to be a positive experience. I wouldn't do it again now, and I wouldn't advertise it as the perfect career choice, but it worked for me at the time. I also really enjoy sex, and enjoy things other than gentle missionary with lots of candles. I'm relaxed about my partner going to a strip club (though to my knowledge the only time he has done so since we've been together was with me, or when there has been a stripper at a stag do.) By Mumsnet standards I am a 'cool girl' which I find sad, because it strips of me of agency. I'm not stupid or brainwashed, I just have a different view of sexuality from some other people. There are plenty of things (like not hanging up damp towels) which I'm very, very not cool about.

Mumoblue · 27/09/2021 15:03

My ex liked to frame me being uncomfortable about his obvious emotional affair as me “not letting [him] have friends!”. It was a load of gaslighting wank.

It’s okay to have different opinions on what’s okay and what’s not in a relationship without going “Well I’M okay with this, unlike these obviously controlling horrible nag women!”- that’s when people start throwing around the term “Cool Girl”.

SirenSays · 27/09/2021 15:05

There was a post about a woman who didn’t want her husband wearing nail polish. And a bunch of posters put their super hero save a dick capes on to make sure men were not being harmed.. telling the OP she was a homophobe

Maybe they were rightly pointing out that painting nails or liking some nail polish doesn't make a man gay, it's a lazy and offensive stereotype.

Sofiegiraffe · 27/09/2021 15:07

It’s just such a lazy way to insult someone whose personal opinions are different to your own

So much this. I hate it too.

FurzeMinister · 27/09/2021 15:07

"I'm currently single.. but yes, i let my ExH have female friends, and i let him dress however he liked, and i let him go out whenever he wanted."

You're part of the problem - but I'm pretty sure you know that and this thread is a wind-up.

IWillFindYou · 27/09/2021 15:09

This is what ’cool girl’ means.

It’s the woman who’s whole personality is what the ultimate male fantasy is.
They don’t have an own personality, it’s just a manifestations of mens desire.
They don’t have a backbone, nor self-respect.
They pander to men.

To hate the term 'Cool girl'
FurzeMinister · 27/09/2021 15:09

In case that wasn't clear: no, in an adult relationship you do not "let" your partner do anything, nor do they "let" you do anything. You decide together what to do. FFS.

NotDavidTennant · 27/09/2021 15:15

The phrase "cool girl" was all the range on here about eight years ago when Gone Girl first came out. I can't say I notice it much these days. I though it had gone the way of other defunct Mumsnet phrases like "hairy-handed trucker".

Theoldprospector · 27/09/2021 15:15

Love the use of ‘cool girl.’

It also perfectly fits with its film use that it requires two audiences, not only the man the subject is attempting to put on the pretence for but also a second audience to admit/boast about it to.

MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 15:16

. There is the association of nail polish with being feminine. The OP has the concerns based upon previous experiences with her husband and other concerns.. painting ones nails is a stereotypical feminine thing. Yet pointing this out and saying you don’t want a man who does stereotypical feminine things got her called a homophobe. Hence the cool girl being used.

Women are actually allowed to only want to date and/or marry men who are masculine and gender conforming. If we are ok with gender non conforming men then we have to accept that only being attracted to masculine men for that very fact that they are gender conforming is also ok. That’s not homophobic.

The honour of men must be protected at all costs.. even when a woman is expressing concerns. That was my point.. no matter what a man is doing, His honour is what is more important over the concerns of a woman. And that’s what makes a woman a cool girl.. her willingness to disregard the concerns of another woman in order to protect a man at all costs.