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Original poster

DP didn't understand why there was a vigil for Sabina Nessa?

77 replies

Doesntgetit · 26/09/2021 20:31

Sabina's murder happened in the borough where I live. I am so shocked by it, I thought this was a reasonably safe area for women, and would think nothing of walking alone at 8.30 as she did. Indeed during lockdown I would often go for walks at 10pm or later. It's tragic and I hope that they have now caught the man responsible.

Anyway, over the past week the murder and then the vigil has of course been on our local news.

DP said to me of the vigil why are they doing that? I said well because she was killed, women are fearful etc, and he said well why doesn't anyone protest about all the men who die every day? That men too are fearful and more likely to be attacked. And then went on to say that it hadn't been reported to be a sexually motivated crime so could as easily have been a man.

I honestly didn't know what to say to that, so left it there saying it was very sad and I hope they catch the person responsible.

I'm not rethinking our relationship over this exactly, but it has rather thrown me. We've been together a long time and in general he's sensitive and caring. Cruelty to children, animals etc is something he loathes, he's rescued injured animals etc, yet I can't believe he just didn't get it.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 26/09/2021 20:34

I don’t think he was being uncaring as such, but maybe wondered why this murder got so much attention, whilst people (of both sexes) get killed everyday, without vigils etc.

Goawayquickly · 26/09/2021 20:39

It's quite simple. Sabina's brutal murder felt personal to you as you're a woman in the same area doing the same things she did.

If your DP feels strongly about male murders then he can help organise vigils for those victims.

GettingUntrapped · 26/09/2021 20:40

He missed the memo that the world is waking up to the gigantic and ever present oppression of women by men. The vigil is part of that awakening. Of course men kill other men too, but it's mostly men.

Macncheeseballs · 26/09/2021 20:40

Yes it's pretty insensitive of him

FlorenceWintle · 26/09/2021 20:41

He’s a man so of course he doesn’t get it. But he should listen and allow himself to be educated.

I commented that there wasn’t very many men there and my DH said ‘well, no, I wouldn’t go, it’s a woman’s issue and I wouldn’t be welcome’. I got rather cross and said it’s not just a woman’s issue, it’s everyone’s issue including men! He backed down sharpish and apologised!

Toomanyradishes · 26/09/2021 20:43

I would point out that next time a man is murdered he is welcome to organise a vigil, and that he is also allowed to protest men being killed if he wants. But unless he wants to do that it rather sounds like he is complaining about (mostly) women protesting women being killed but having the teremity to not complain about men being killed (e.g. how dare we not do their job for them)

RobertaFirmino · 26/09/2021 20:44

Men are free to organise vigils for any murdered male they like. Just as they are free to mark Int. Mens Day and set up men's groups. Lets face it, the majority of them are just too fucking lazy (NAMALT etc)

ThePlantsitter · 26/09/2021 20:45

I live in the same borough, with daughters too. DH said he thought they should have fewer street lights (can't remember why) and when I said 'no they bloody shouldn't' didn't understand why or the Paddington stare I gave him while he was trying to work it out.

They're not used to living the life of people who feel vulnerable all the time and plan accordingly. It's really irritating. Sabina Nessa's murder is so tragic and enraging.

Northernlurker · 26/09/2021 20:47

Any man whose response to a woman centred event is 'but what about the men?' is a man I wouldn't be with.

Sabina has been the victim of a brutal act of Male aggression. She isn't the first, she won't be the last. The vigil was to bring focus to this awful crime, offer people a space to grieve and give her family some support. The only reasonable response to such an event is to get alongside it.

Sorry op, looks like he's a twat.

Original poster
Doesntgetit · 26/09/2021 20:50

He doesn't see that being a woman automatically makes you vulnerable. He has also been a victim of assault (by a woman) so considers it's not as simple as women are at risk from men.

OP posts:
Pemmican · 26/09/2021 20:52

He's a bit thick then, isn't he?

Namechangeforthis88 · 26/09/2021 20:53

Having worked in prisons, I'm more familiar than I probably wanted to be with the details of a whole load of murders, many of which didn't make headlines. I'm going to suppose they were a more representative sample. Based on that I'd say it's quite unusual for a murderer victim to have been targeted by a stranger.

SparklingLime · 26/09/2021 20:53

That would throw me too, OP. That he doesn’t have the insight or awareness to try to look at from another’s perspective, ie yours.

Has he ever held keys in his hands ready to try to defend himself against a larger and stronger attacker? Arranged to ring to confirm he’s safely home? Worried all the way home that he should not have walked, that he’s putting himself at risk, that he’s made a potentially dangerous error?

He could read this:
www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-london-58665603

ElizabethTudor · 26/09/2021 20:54

Eugghh, he just doesn’t get it, does he.
If you can be bothered trying to explain it to him, this is an interesting article

Sabina Nessa killing: Does following the 'rules' keep women safe? www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-58665603

BluebellCockleshell123 · 26/09/2021 20:54

Many men just do not understand this issue.

My lovely DH said something similar and I was shocked.

I had to spell out the actual numbers of women who are attacked by men, compared to women attacked by women or men attacked by men.

He simply couldn’t believe that I felt had to be permanently aware of my surroundings or that I always have my keys between my fingers every time I am out walking on my own. He just doesn’t have to think that way.

CattingT · 26/09/2021 20:56

Tell him he's welcome to arrange vigils for all of the male murders Hmm

Spyro1234 · 26/09/2021 20:58

He's a man... Like my husband. He has no idea what it's like to be a women, constantly keeping an eye out, watching over your shoulder, avoiding walking through certain places...my husband is a very typical Straight White Male and I'm trying to open his mind to things like this. He is starting to understand 😬

Original poster
Doesntgetit · 26/09/2021 20:58

He's come close to being mugged/ assaulted a few times (by men) - a lot closer than I ever have - luckily for me, I'd hate to have been in that situation. Which I think for him reinforces it's no more dangerous to be a woman than a man. Based on us as a very narrow sample.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 26/09/2021 20:59

Hmm there are vigils for other murders though? If you live in the borough then you live in the same one as me and there was a vigil for a young boy who was killed, the vigil for him was yesterday so it does happen 🤷‍♀️

Shoxfordian · 26/09/2021 21:02

Seems like your partner isn’t a feminist
I wouldn’t stay around someone who doesn’t understand this type of thing

TooWicked · 26/09/2021 21:04

and he said well why doesn't anyone protest about all the men who die every day?

Well yeah, why doesn’t he?
Have you asked him?

I suspect what he meant was why aren’t all these women who are holding the vigil for Sabina doing the same for men, because ya know, women can’t ever do anything solely for women without centring or at least acknowledging men.

lottiegarbanzo · 26/09/2021 21:11

So why has he never organised a vigil for a murdered man? Because he expects 'them' to do it? And who are 'they' exactly?

I'd suggest he does a bit of research into recent male murder victims in your area, then decides which ones he'd like to remember via a vigil. Then tries to persuade other people to join him in arranging this vigil.

Then reflects.

billy1966 · 26/09/2021 21:13

He sounds a bit dim OP.

Etinox · 26/09/2021 21:16

Your husband is a twat
He’s also wrong, there are very often vigils for male victims.
here
here
here
3 vigils in the last few months for men killed.

letsallchant · 26/09/2021 21:59

Can he name any men who've been murdered walking home in a similar way, without googling? When is he going to seek out and attend a vigil for one of them?

I bet he can't. I'm sorry he's had the experience of being assaulted but it seems to have made him feel he's somehow more at risk of being murdered, rather than attacked but surviving. This is not the case for women who are literally in fear of their lives.

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