DP didn't understand why there was a vigil for Sabina Nessa?

[Doesntgetit]

Sabina's murder happened in the borough where I live. I am so shocked by it, I thought this was a reasonably safe area for women, and would think nothing of walking alone at 8.30 as she did. Indeed during lockdown I would often go for walks at 10pm or later. It's tragic and I hope that they have now caught the man responsible.

Anyway, over the past week the murder and then the vigil has of course been on our local news.

DP said to me of the vigil why are they doing that? I said well because she was killed, women are fearful etc, and he said well why doesn't anyone protest about all the men who die every day? That men too are fearful and more likely to be attacked. And then went on to say that it hadn't been reported to be a sexually motivated crime so could as easily have been a man.

I honestly didn't know what to say to that, so left it there saying it was very sad and I hope they catch the person responsible.

I'm not rethinking our relationship over this exactly, but it has rather thrown me. We've been together a long time and in general he's sensitive and caring. Cruelty to children, animals etc is something he loathes, he's rescued injured animals etc, yet I can't believe he just didn't get it.

He’s hypercautious himself about the risk to men from women because he’s been on the receiving end. That’s understandable. Humans are really crap at assessing statistical risk.

Some men seem to get very upset about women putting time and effort into issues that only affect women. What about domestic violence against men/prostate cancer/men’s suicide they’ll exclaim (whilst doing not one tiny thing about those issues themselves).

I think it’s because many men have the ingrained assumption that caring is something women do for men. When women don’t prioritise their needs it is perceived as active neglect - a dereliction of our natural duty.

I always ask if they get upset that the Cat’s Protection League isn’t doing enough to help dogs, or if they worry the British Heart Foundation doesn’t give enough of a shit about people with diabetes or cancer.