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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP didn't understand why there was a vigil for Sabina Nessa?

77 replies

Doesntgetit · 26/09/2021 20:31

Sabina's murder happened in the borough where I live. I am so shocked by it, I thought this was a reasonably safe area for women, and would think nothing of walking alone at 8.30 as she did. Indeed during lockdown I would often go for walks at 10pm or later. It's tragic and I hope that they have now caught the man responsible.

Anyway, over the past week the murder and then the vigil has of course been on our local news.

DP said to me of the vigil why are they doing that? I said well because she was killed, women are fearful etc, and he said well why doesn't anyone protest about all the men who die every day? That men too are fearful and more likely to be attacked. And then went on to say that it hadn't been reported to be a sexually motivated crime so could as easily have been a man.

I honestly didn't know what to say to that, so left it there saying it was very sad and I hope they catch the person responsible.

I'm not rethinking our relationship over this exactly, but it has rather thrown me. We've been together a long time and in general he's sensitive and caring. Cruelty to children, animals etc is something he loathes, he's rescued injured animals etc, yet I can't believe he just didn't get it.

OP posts:
ThePlantsitter · 28/09/2021 08:20

I grew up in the Yorkshire dales and my best mate was sexually assaulted by a man on a moorland walk (managed to escape) and a group of blokes in a van tried to stop my car, while making crude gestures, in the middle of nowhere when I was about 17.

It's not London. It's men.

GloomAndDoom · 28/09/2021 08:28

If your DP feels strongly about male murders then he can help organise vigils for those victims.

I'd say this. It's not up to to those who organised this vigil to organise a vigil for your DP to attend for the victims he feels strongly about.

NewlyGranny · 28/09/2021 08:41

What ThePlantSitter says:

"It's not London. It's men."

Damnit, they've got everywhere.

Sceptre86 · 28/09/2021 08:50

The issue is your husband and quite a lot of men like him feel this way, it isn't a competition vigils can be held for men too the ones woupd be on them though to organise. My dh doesn't feel vulnerable in the same way I do if I am out on my own, particularly later on in the evening. We have daughters and a son and he is very much aware of male violence against women and understood that had I been anywhere near the vigil I would have attended nd he remarked that he would have come along too.

I don't think it is ltb territory but I would be dismayed.

dottiedodah · 28/09/2021 08:53

Your DH doesn t"get it as he is not directly affected by the issue! Many women in London and other big cities/towns in the UK ,cannot walk home at a reasonable time without fear of being attacked/raped or killed.Not by other women ,but men! Many men are tragically killed yes ,however often they are involved in fights ,alcohol issues and so on .They also do not have to worry about walking home alone ,or to meet a friend in the early evening .We live on the South Coast ,in the Summer a young girl was enticed away from her friends, and into the sea by a young lad who then raped her FFS. On a Crowded beach in broad daylight! Still looking for this person ,Unless this sort of far too common incident towards females is addressed by Vigils,curtailing of violent porn ,and some films as well ,then how will it ever stop .Maybe show DH some of our replies and see if he changes his mind and "gets it" or not!

Helpwithcat · 28/09/2021 09:00

Men are primarily killed by other men so if he wishes to be angry at anyone, it should be directed towards his own sex.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/09/2021 09:14

Vigils are a nice thing to do for a grieving family to show community support and spirit. But they don’t change anything. The male violence still continues.

dottiedodah · 28/09/2021 09:17

FrozenoutofCostco .Unless you live on the moon ,this is a nationwide/worldwide issue.Are you honestly telling me that nothing like this goes on in Leeds or Huddersfield?

LizzieW1969 · 28/09/2021 09:35

@dottiedodah

I live in Leeds and of course it does! Hmm

LizzieW1969 · 28/09/2021 09:47

I know, though, that Leeds is a completely different world to rural North Yorkshire, so I get what that poster meant; I don’t know why she just focused on London, though. Confused

GoingOutOutNEVER · 28/09/2021 18:17

There wasn’t a vigil for the female PCSO that was murdered just after Sarah Everard either. Still no idea if her killer was caught.

HateJudgmentalPeople · 28/09/2021 18:19

I can’t be bothered with men like this, who bring it around to men when it’s about women.

Anyone with half a brain knows that we women are most vulnerable walking home at night!

LavenderAskew · 28/09/2021 18:38

I can abide it anymore the whole "what about men?", "it happens yo men too".

As well it might, but something that effect women need to be dealt with separately or we'll be in a constant stalling.

Why are we not allowed to talk about issues women suffer? Could you image on a post or article about male suicide if there a comment that women commit suicide too and people need to think about that.

Susannahmoody · 28/09/2021 18:40

I'm past giving a shit about the men. It's time we focus on our own

mocah · 28/09/2021 18:43

@OP ask him, Is it women killing those men? are men now fearful of going out because of wild violent women prowling the streets at night?

Brefugee · 28/09/2021 18:45

Vigils happen for women because other women organise them. Men want someone else to take over the organisation so... they don't happen.

rocklamp · 28/09/2021 18:49

Men are predators, women are the prey, simple as that.

Men will attack other men, but they're still the predators when it comes to women. Women are automatically in prey mode whenever we venture out. We live with the constant awareness that any man, anywhere could attack, harass, rape or molest us. My dh and sons don't have to think twice about going out into our moderately rough village at any time of the day or night, I don't have that luxury.

daisychain01 · 28/09/2021 18:54

@Doesntgetit

He doesn't see that being a woman automatically makes you vulnerable. He has also been a victim of assault (by a woman) so considers it's not as simple as women are at risk from men.
Well educate him, OP, because it's absolutely that simple

If he doesn't get it, then he's lived a sheltered and privileged male life and never felt the need to get a reality check.

Since the dawn of time, women have had to watch their shadow, and curtail their activities and freedoms just to appease the patriarchy, because men are a constant source of threat, but don't need to modify their behaviour.

mumda · 28/09/2021 19:08

On my street five households have been affected by domestic violence.

  1. Woman the victim. Man in prison.
  2. Man the victim. Killed. Woman did 18 months. New bloke also victim.
  3. Woman victim. Man locked up again. Let out. Tried hanging himself. Locked up again after threatening kids.
  4. Man the victim. Ongoing.
  5. Man the victim. Woman suspended sentence.

Conclusion? It's a rough street or just no secrets.

Hallomother · 28/09/2021 19:13

I think the problem is that a lot of men have never felt vulnerable daily. Just going about their business is normal to them, they don’t have to risk assess or put up with heckling so it doesn’t occur to them how bad it really can be.

I remember once telling DH how nice it was not to be heckled while running in the park after we moved house and he was appalled that I would ever be heckled, furious that men would dare to that and utterly astonished that I just saw it as normal and had never mentioned it before.

I think if you’ve explained and he still doesn’t get it and he continues the “what about the men” attitude then there’s more of an issue. The erosion of women’s rights and the dawning realisation for some about how vulnerable you are as a woman and how you’re somehow meant to be held responsible for this - it you need to alter your behaviour to protect yourself from predators rather than the predators being dealt with - simply doesn’t compute for some.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2021 19:14

He doesn't see that being a woman automatically makes you vulnerable.

How can you find a man this stupid to be attractive?

timesachangin · 28/09/2021 19:21

How old is he that he needs this explained to him?

EmoIsntDead · 28/09/2021 19:37

@Doesntgetit

He doesn't see that being a woman automatically makes you vulnerable. He has also been a victim of assault (by a woman) so considers it's not as simple as women are at risk from men.
He's not very clever, is he?

In all honesty, if I was talking about a woman being attacked and murdered and my DH came out with 'but what about the men?' I'd be seriously disgusted with him.

debbieupper9 · 28/09/2021 20:55

Men like him are part of the problem, it’s always a competition, we can’t hold a vigil for a murder victim because she’s a woman, seriously fuck off

FlorenceWintle · 29/09/2021 08:28

@GoingOutOutNEVER

There wasn’t a vigil for the female PCSO that was murdered just after Sarah Everard either. Still no idea if her killer was caught.
He was. He was the one who smirked and stuck his tongue out at the cameras while being led from court.