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Original poster

Is it weird to grieve for someone 28 years after their death?

96 replies

Sofiegiraffe · 26/09/2021 15:05

My mum died almost 30 years ago when I was just a little girl. Too young really to remember very much about her, other than how poorly she was, e.g. there was often an ambulance outside our house when we got home from school to take her back in again, or I'd find her collapsed on the sofa etc. These are my only memories of her, I have no happy ones. I have other memories that are worse than these (like the night she died), and I'm genuinely traumatised by those. I recently had a baby and I have only just now started to grieve for her. It has hit me like a tonne of bricks how much I miss and need my mum. I'm so fucking angry that she died. And I'm hurting so much. Why is this happening almost 3 decades later?! I'm feeling the rawness of it as though she died only last week. Not sure why I'm posting other than to get this out and see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

OP posts:
Coffeeonmytoffee · 26/09/2021 15:08

No it’s perfectly normal. My dad lost his mum when he was 23 and he was unable to talk about her right up until his death when he was 86.
I’m sorry for your loss and the obvious trauma you felt and continue to feel.
You need to speak to someone and to think about how you can celebrate her and deal with your grief.

IamJuliaJohnson · 26/09/2021 15:11

I think that’s pretty normal - it’s a time when you really really need that maternal care and it’s devastating that you don’t have it. My mum is alive but has lots of health complications and complex needs including being in a wheelchair which meant that ultimately she was unable to come and help me when my kids were born. And boy did it hurt! Especially when everyone else had their parents in and out all the time providing all sorts of support. It still smarts even now when people have babysitting on tap etc.

I have in-laws but they were very pushy when my babies were small, trampling all over boundaries and so that wasn’t an option either.

CharlotteRose90 · 26/09/2021 15:12

No it’s perfectly normal. There isn’t a timescale of when to grieve. I lost my best friend 10 years ago and I still miss her and cry a lot . I’m so unbelievably sorry for your loss .

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 26/09/2021 15:15

I think that’s pretty normal - it’s a time when you really really need that maternal care and it’s devastating that you don’t have it.

Exactly this. This is how I feel. I need my mum so badly right now. I'm so angry that was taken from me.

OP posts:
letsmakethishappen · 26/09/2021 15:15

Very normal. My mum passed 25 years ago me too it hit me hard after having a baby. Everyone needs their mum after having a baby I think. She passed before my 16th so I remember her very well.

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 26/09/2021 15:16

@letsmakethishappen

I'm sorry to hear that Thanks it's so, so hard without your mum isn't it

OP posts:
MilkWasABadChoice · 26/09/2021 15:16

Having a baby will likely trigger all sorts of thoughts and feelings - not all positive! - about your own mother. That’s true if she is alive and perhaps more so if she has passed away.

I’m sorry you have such sad and troubling memories. It’s easy to suggest therapy, but if nothing else please don’t think you are odd or wrong to think about her.

Dontbeme · 26/09/2021 15:18

Perfectly normal, I lost my mam when I was eleven, thirty years ago and I still miss her and at times cry that she's not here. I want her to know and celebrate the good things in my life and hug me over the sad things. I don't have children but when my nieces and nephews became the age I was when my mam died it made the loss tender again as I could see just how young and vulnerable I was and how much I still needed a mother, with age I have a deeper more complex understanding of what that young loss means. Be kind to yourself OP 💐💐

jenthelibrarian · 26/09/2021 15:20

My mum died when my own [now adult] kids were quite young. I was angry, and continue to be angry, that she was so young herself and that I lost her support. My kids lost their gran and realistically I couldn't expect them to remember her much.
My love and my sympathy to you.

ParkheadParadise · 26/09/2021 15:20

That sounds really hard @Sofiegiraffe
When we have our own children we probably need our own mums more.
It's definitely not weird to grieve all these years later, please let yourself grieve and tell your family how you are feeling.

Daftasabroom · 26/09/2021 15:20

I lost my best friend when we were 19/20. We were classic best buddies. I'm crying now.

HeadPain · 26/09/2021 15:22

No, its not weird at all Flowers

Merryoldgoat · 26/09/2021 15:23

It’s complete normal. I grieved for my mum when she died when I was a teenager but 20 years later during pregnancy and early motherhood it was worse.

It’s a very weird thing. If you haven’t lost a parent early it’s very hard to understand.

Perpop · 26/09/2021 15:27

There’s a fantastic support group called ‘adults bereaved as children’ (I think) which my husband uses and gets great support from. And a charity called winston’s wishes. Might be worth a look? Sending love x

GalaxyPostcard · 26/09/2021 15:27

Not weird at all. My DGM lost her father when she was just 16 and she still can't talk about him without getting choked up - she's almost 80 now. Flowers to you OP.

ftw163532 · 26/09/2021 15:27

Grief is lifelong.

It changes over the course of your life but not in some kind of linear trajectory towards non-grief. It winds and rises and falls according to the path of your life.

It is not something you "complete" and file in a box never to be remembered or experienced again.

You're normal. I'm sorry for your loss and what you missing out on.

Malbecfan · 26/09/2021 15:30

It's not weird at all and I understand exactly what you are going through. Mine died 24 years ago next week, suddenly, 3 months after our wedding. At the time, I was the strong one, looking after my dad and my useless waste of space of a sister. Then when DD1 came along, I found it really hard. My dad has been amazing and although normally based 200+ miles away has done his best to be hands-on and supportive.

I do think you should get in touch with someone who specialises in grief to talk through how you are feeling. Motherhood is completely overwhelming even when you have your mum there, so to be bereft is doubly difficult. However, I still cling to the thought that I don't have to watch my mum age, or to see her lose her faculties. She is frozen in time in middle age, only a year older than I am now.

Take good care of yourself and your little one Flowers

Original poster
Sofiegiraffe · 26/09/2021 15:31

@Merryoldgoat

It’s complete normal. I grieved for my mum when she died when I was a teenager but 20 years later during pregnancy and early motherhood it was worse.

It’s a very weird thing. If you haven’t lost a parent early it’s very hard to understand.

ThanksIt is so strange isn't it, how motherhood brings these things so freshly to the surface.

OP posts:
LoislovesStewie · 26/09/2021 15:35

It's quite normal; my mum died 54 years ago, and I still haven't got over it. I had a bit of a cry the other day about it, nothing happened I just felt sad she had missed so much.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 26/09/2021 15:37

I think it follows on from the “children are resilient” idea- there’s a thread running currently.

I seemed to be expected to just carry on as normal. Children adapt, children are resilient. The idea that children move on easily. Added to the fact I was the oldest so felt I had to step up and support my remaining parent.

As such I don’t think I ever grieved. I just buried all my feelings, shut my emotions down and survived the following years.

My dad died almost 40 years ago now. I was there, in pretty horrific circumstances. I’ve never talked about it.

I think children should have counselling after events like this.

ManifestingJoy · 26/09/2021 15:38

My situation wouldn't be as big a loss a losing a mother but we had a student living with us when I was 16-18 and he was one day older than I am. He died in a car crash just after getting in to college to do engineering. I still think of him and the life he never got to live. On the day before my birthday I think of him and another year he missed.

ParkheadParadise · 26/09/2021 15:42

@ftw163532

Grief is lifelong.

It changes over the course of your life but not in some kind of linear trajectory towards non-grief. It winds and rises and falls according to the path of your life.

It is not something you "complete" and file in a box never to be remembered or experienced again.

You're normal. I'm sorry for your loss and what you missing out on.

This is so true. Grief is lifelong
LakieLady · 26/09/2021 15:42

I don't think it's weird.

I lost my best friend 23 years ago. I still think about him at least once a day, often a lot more, and miss him terribly.

Oddly, I don't have the same about my DPs. I think it may be because they both had dementia, and in a sense I "lost" them long before they died, iykwim.

Kanaloa · 26/09/2021 15:44

I think it’s totally normal for grief to come in cycles throughout your whole life. Not the same situation, but I only started grieving how shit my mother was when my kids got older. As a kid I just thought oh well this is how things are but now I look at my daughter and think why didn’t they see me like I see her.

I imagine you will feel it again when your daughter starts school or big life changes etc. It’s totally natural. I wonder if there is a possibility you feel a fresh wave of pain now as well because you are able to see it from both sides now. So your loss plus your mother’s loss.

BiLuminous · 26/09/2021 15:44

No it isn't weird. My mum isn't dead but she abandoned me and the grief of that hit me hardest when I had my own children. Not having someone to get advice from or just have around like my friends do was hard. I'm ok now but it really got me with my first child.